


In the In Between

by simplyabbey



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: A/B/O, ABO, Accidental Mating, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alpha/Omega, Ben is a mess of issues, Dom/sub Undertones, F/M, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, M/M, Mental Illness, Mild BDSM, Non-con touching, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Violence, Rey has commitment issues, Rockstar!Ben, there is a happily ever after so no one panic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:14:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 93,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24595093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/simplyabbey/pseuds/simplyabbey
Summary: Alpha rockstars are like tissues. One time use. So why does Rey have such a hard time disposing of guitarist Kylo Ren after a night of indulgence? She’d blamed it on her omega pheromones and his alpha allure the first time. But the longer she dances with the devil, the more she sees the fire inside him isn’t as fearless as he wants her to believe.
Relationships: Finn - Relationship, Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey & Ben Solo, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 338
Kudos: 512





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to my clusterfuck, ladies and gentlemen. This story is inspired by the Beartooth song "In Between" and the idea that Adam Driver's glorious face could use a bit of metal in it. And that his arms could use a little ink. I'm about 1/3 of the way through writing this, so I hope I'll be able to post this regularly. I'd planned to hold off on posting until it was completely finished, but I'm an attention whore who needs input to keep chugging along, apparently.
> 
> Warnings: Rey has some obsessive-compulsive issues and is in counseling for it (thank god) so there will be some discussion of that as well as the childhood trauma that sparked her problems.
> 
> This work is unbeta'd, so any mistakes belong to myself and Grammarly.
> 
> I'll be posting the chapter's inspirational song with each chapter through Spotify. If you're a fan of alternative music and would like to see the full playlist, you can see it here: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7uH42SmxdNVmL42D0ytsjH?si=eG9ACRqESBmRFeSxDbmhsw Not every song will be associated with a chapter, but attributes to the overall feeling of the story.
> 
> Cheers!

[ ](https://imgur.com/IvCVicB)

This song's inspiration: "Losing My Mind" by Falling in Reverse  


Rey’s already feeling that gluey, awkward kind of sweat starting to cover her skin, and there’s still seven more hours of business ahead of her before she can even begin to think about taking a break. Amilyn is on her ass today, which is to be expected because booking concert events make her the most anxious. And it’s especially stressful when the band is in the alternative style. The musicians are less troublesome than other genres (besides those easy-going country boys), but the fans are crazier. And as her assistant, Rey’s responsibility is to make sure that Amilyn doesn’t know how fucked up everything. At least, until their debriefing after the weekend.

Amilyn Holdo, Rey’s boss, is the Performance Experience Manager for the Temple Center. Temple Center is a dynamic venue fitted with a permanent stage and ample floor space that makes it the perfect space for most large-scale events. It’s versatile enough to serve a wide range of clientele, which means the staff has to be adaptable. Presentations and city events keep the teams occupied to be sure, but the biggest money-makers are the musical acts that the center books on most weekends. When the booking department lines up an event, they pass on the information to Amilyn, and she disseminates the information to the various departments for their assignments. It’s Rey’s job to manage the small details so Amilyn can focus on the bigger picture.

It’s a job Rey is grossly under-qualified for when considering the requirements most people in her position would have to meet. She has no experience or education in event management. Realistically, Rey doesn’t even have a college degree. But she’d managed a small pawnshop for a while, and her bookkeeping skills are impeccable. And with an actual honest person onboard, the shop saved buckets of money and managed to avoid a few charges of selling stolen merchandise. It was the only thing she brought to the table during her interview, and yet, shockingly, Amilyn had hired her after only a brief introduction. It made Rey all the more determined to do it right.

Rey spent most of the morning compiling the data and sending it out to the different departments. Everyone from hospitality to visual effects has to work at concert events, so it’s a lot to put together. And Rey’s struggling with the outside security firm they’ve hired for the night. It’s taken two hours to untangle a web of issues into organized lists of instructions for everyone, but she finally gets the information out to everyone via email. The confirmation emails are slowly back, but not from everyone, which is typical, but still frustrating. She’ll soon undock her tablet and make her rounds to ensure everyone is performing as expected.

One of the last tasks Rey has left is to review any hospitality riders presented to the center. She starts with the headliner band’s first, as is customary. There’s a digital copy already on the way to the hospitality team. Still, Rey always prints the riders to post them on each dressing room door as another reminder of the expectations. But as she watches the paper scoot out of the print tray, an eyebrow begins to rise at the first line of text that appears.

_There is no one outside of the band members or the band manager permitted in the dressing room of Kylo Ren (guitarist) before the concert._

It’s odd. Rey expects the requests for privacy, but usually, the demands are a bit more specific. She’s used to requirements like ‘No photographing the band members.’ Or sometimes the more definitive request of ‘No groupies.’ Or the more specific ‘Provide controlled access to fans (aka ‘Let us have access to the non-homicidal, slutty groupies’).’

Luckily for Rey, it’s an easy request to meet.

She’s surprised to see the rest of the hospitality rider is short. They’d like bottled water of a particular brand, and they’d appreciate only vegetarian food selections. She verifies they haven’t requested any guest tickets, which is surprising but not unheard-of. Their dressing rooms have private bathrooms, so she doesn’t need to arrange access to those, and they have plenty of rooms available to meet the number they’ve requested. She needs to make sure the organizer for the center’s merchandising oversight department has all the information for the merch they’re entitled to sell. The center offers the dedicated booth already built into the building to headliners, so she’ll need to do very little for that. Really, it’s all rather cut and dry.

She browses through the rest of the riders for the smaller bands, rolling her eyes when she comes across a few rather presumptuous demands. She’s grown used to the requests of the newer kids enjoying the power of demanding sparkling grapefruit water and fresh avocado mash on bagels. Those little notes have asterisks next to them, indicating that the band was informed of the limited capacity to accommodate those requests. But they will anyway because Amilyn demands nothing but perfection. And so Rey has to make sure it happens.

She drops the riders with the hospitality staff, informing them she’ll be back later to confirm they’ve met all the conditions, then makes her rounds to the other coordinators to verify they have everything they need for when the bands arrive. She exchanges heated words with a frantic box office manager when a staff member calls in sick, but she remedies the situation with some rearranging of cross-trained staff. And while it’s stressful to encounter problems, the challenge is one of Rey’s favorite parts of the job. Rey can’t think of a single concert event she has overseen where at least one thing didn’t go wrong. It’s why she never stops moving and checking every department, no matter how competent they may be. And it’s during her rounds that she eventually has a moment to speak with her best friend, Finn.

She finds Finn leaning against one of the concrete walls of the service corridors. He’s examining something on his tablet, lifting his head every so often to confirm an individual item is present in the equipment storage room. When he realizes her approach, he lifts his head and gives her a warm smile, teeth bright against his deep skin. She gives him a smile in return, moving to rest her body against the wall beside him.

“Had a moment to breathe yet?” her friend asks, eyes twinkling as he takes in the small chocolate brown hairs that have escaped her high bun and are now sticking to the skin of her forehead.

“You know I haven’t,” Rey replies, a smirk on her lips as she elbows him in his ribs.

Finn’s smile drops for a moment as he asks in a more serious tone this time, “How are you feeling? Better?”

Rey sighs, throwing her head back to look up at the ceiling. “It’s like each one is a little worse. I’d give anything to put them off more than every six months.”

Rey’s heat ended five agonizing days prior. She’d promptly been to her doctor’s office this morning to have her suppressant implant replaced after the inevitable cramping and bleeding of her “failed” heat had ultimately stopped. The doctors always say “failed heat” as if managing NOT to get knocked up while being horny and desperate and miserable is a bad thing. Being an omega is mortifying enough. And the suppressant options to keep her heat at bay and reduce the risk of getting pregnant don’t improve the experience much. She could take a daily pill or get a monthly injection to keep her heat way indefinitely, but the doctors recommend at least one heat a year to maintain reproductive health. The hassle of taking daily pills, or getting monthly injections, proved too much for even her well-organized mind. So Rey moved to the implant a few years ago. She’d convinced herself having a heat every six months was better than having random ones when she missed too many days of her pills or forgot to go in for her injection. But some days, especially the days immediately after the new, more intense heats, it’s hard to remember it’s the less tedious option.

“Have you mentioned it to your doctor?” Finn asks, and Rey turns her head to see his expression is one of worry. “It can’t be normal for you to be so sick afterward.”

Finn is a beta, so he doesn’t have a comparable experience to commiserate with her. But he’s been Rey’s best friend all her life and seen her at her worst more than a few times. In desperate moments he’d even tried to help her out while they lived together. He’d try to fuck her hard enough to take the edge off for the first two days when she isn’t yet screaming for an alpha’s knot. But there had been an especially horrific accidental heat a few years ago thanks to Rey forgetting to go in for her injection. After that, they decided there could be some things, even the best of friends aren’t supposed to witness. And Rey had finally broken down and gone in for the implant. Sure, it only lasts six months. But it’s still better than having a heat slam into you without warning.

Rey’s cheeks bloom crimson as she quietly says, “They recommended finding an alpha to help me, which is the usual suggestion. But this time, they wrote me a prescription for a sedative to help if I can’t find one.”

Finn’s startled expression is a mirror to what Rey is sure her face had looked like in that doctor’s office. It’s the face she makes every time they give the gentle suggestion of an alpha’s help when she tells them how miserable her heats are on the implant.

“Wow.”

“I know,” Rey sighs. “I know there are apps out there you can use to help Omegas in heat and Alphas in rut. Maybe I’ll try one out next time and see what happens.” She’s intentional in the way she says the last part flippantly as if the idea hasn’t kept her up every night obsessing.

“I don’t like it, Rey,” Finn says vehemently. “There could be serial killers on those things. Or freaks. I heard a story about a beta who pretended to be an alpha to get an omega in heat to sleep with them. They bought this fake knot thing and tried to hide it from the omega until it ballooned so big it almost squeezed his dick in half.”

Rey lets out a short, loud laugh. Finn’s protestations ease the frustration conversations about her heat always bring up. Leave it to Finn to state something so organically humorous to make the situation comical. “Maybe I’ll find myself a sexy rock star tonight to put on speed dial for the next one.”

“You laugh now,” Finn solemnly remarks while fighting off a grin. “Most of these rock gods are alphas. It’s like it’s a prerequisite to being able to play the guitar. You could do worse.”

“Did you get your instructions?” Rey asks, glancing away to look at her wristwatch to derail their current conversation’s train of thought. “There’s a fair bit of equipment coming tonight, and I didn’t get a confirmation message back from you.”

Finn doesn’t point out her apparent deflection, but instead raises his tablet and gives it a wave. “Got it this morning. Nothing I can’t handle, we’ve got the spaces all squared away for them, and we’re ready to help with the stage setup if they need us.”

Finn is the equipment manager for the center. It’s his responsibility to ensure the bands’ teams know where their instruments, stage equipment, and other tools go. He also has to help coordinate the changing of instruments on the stage and make sure everything runs smoothly between acts.

Rey remembers the majority of their childhood watching Finn tinker with old guitars and pianos he found in garbage cans and thrift shops. He’d ultimately gotten to the point where he learned enough to be able to flip them and make a profit. If Finn had come from a family with money, it would have been possible to open a shop of his own. But instead, he’d found this job working for Temple Center, and it seems to be something he genuinely likes doing. The position requires management of more than the instruments some acts bring with them, but Finn doesn’t seem to mind the other parts of the job. And he’d been the one to get Rey the job working as Amilyn’s assistant.

Rey gives him a huff and rolls her eyes as she raises herself from the wall. “You could have saved me the trip over here if you’d sent a reply message back.”

“You could have saved yourself the trip over here by trusting that I know what I’m doing,” Finn retorts, raising an eyebrow at her. “But you can’t help but be a control freak and micromanage us all into oblivion. Luckily, it’s what makes you good at your job.”

Rey knows better than to take the statement personally. Instead, she gives him a knowing look before turning away and continuing down the hall. Her hurried strides carry her quickly down the corridor, her modest black skirt swishing around her knees as her short heels clack on the polished cement floors. He yells something at her retreating back, but she doesn’t bother to turn around and ask him to repeat it. Rey is used to their banter and usually loves having a verbal sparring partner, but she has a job right now. And, as Finn so kindly pointed out, she’s a control freak.

\---

Two hours later, Rey stops by her office to grab a granola bar and jot a few notes in her journal for reference later tonight. Rey obsessively journals, which has turned out to be a far healthier obsession that her previous coping mechanisms. Her other pastime is photography, which gives her a creative outlet but doesn’t give the same organizational reprieve of journaling. She takes notes of everything that happened in the day and how she felt about it, then compiles it into a complete entry at the end of each day. It was something her therapist had suggested to relieve her anxiety and help her sleep after a bout of exercise and diet obsession had lead to a borderline anorexia nervosa diagnosis. Rey had obsessed about diet and exercise, attempting to better control her response to stress, or so the doctor had said. And so they’d worked to come up with a solution to help her mind digest everything that had happened logically. Supposedly it allows her to unpack her brain practically. She spills all the events, fears, and triumphs onto paper in a way she can review and process. No matter how exhausted she is, Rey always takes the time to journal before going to bed for the night. And between the Prozac and the journaling, she has to admit there’s been a drastic improvement.

She scribbles in hasty cursive, making only a shortlist for the moment. First, she marks down her conversation with Finn, cheeks flaming with embarrassment but persevering nonetheless. Then, she scribbles her irritations of issues she’d had to resolve that anyone with a brain could have managed and yet the level of control she’d felt managing the problem herself. But finally, she jots in her pride in her teammates who’d pulled together well despite issues that arose. It’s soothing to her, and it takes the edge off until she has time to write a proper entry later.

Polishing off the granola bar, Rey takes a moment to look in the mirror of her makeshift desk. When Amilyn hired her, the center repurposed a dressing room into an office for her rather than making room for yet another workspace in the already crowded offices. As a result, her makeshift desk features a large mirror she attempts to ignore during the day. But because a part of her work requires she interacts with clients, it does come in handy from time to time. As she suspected, the little hairs she’d felt sticking to her forehead are now a forest of wayward baby hairs. She grabs the small comb she keeps in one of the drawers and smooths them down to the rest of her dark brown hair. The tiny bit of mascara she’d brushed on earlier has smudged under her eyes, so she takes a moment to wipe it away and apply a fresh coat. A dusting of powder of her forehead, nose, and chin addresses her oily, sweaty skin for now. Considering she’d hardly worn make up before starting this job, it’s practically a full glam look in Rey’s book. 

The radio at her hip buzzes to let the teams know the equipment buses have arrived, and that the buses holding the performers are about two hours behind them. She makes her way to the dock doors, pleased to see Finn already present and barking orders for his team to direct the equipment to the designated areas. The bands’ equipment managers are leading their teams as well, already coordinating the transportation of stage equipment to the designated backstage areas and storage rooms Finn has appointed for them. She confirms Finn has a list of equipment the performers have on their buses, and he brushes her off with a roll of his eyes and a terse reminder of “Don’t you have someone else to micromanage?”

Rey doesn’t know why she ever bothers to hover or double-check his work (besides her previously mentioned perfectionist streak), because Finn is the master of his job. Just as her radio is crackling to announce the arrival of the performer buses, the equipment ones are simultaneously pulling away to make room. Rey pulls up a screen on her tablet and hits a few prompts to alert the hospitality staff. A robotic voice crackles on the radio, transmitting the message to the small hospitality radio channel.

The center gives headliner buses the priority, and Rey wants to be present to confirm everything is the way they need it. She’s quiet as she waits in a corner until a staff member opens the exterior door, greeting the small group she assumes is the headlining band. There are three males and one female who all appear to be about Rey’s age dressed how she would expect members of an alternative group to look: dark jeans, graphic t-shirts, and a plethora of tattoos covering exposed skin. Another male accompanies them, dressed in a suit and appearing to be a decade or two older.

Rey knows from her notes that the name of the headliner band is The Knights of Ren. They’ve been headlining tours for about three years now, and this is their second trip through Coruscant. The previous one had been their first tour, just before Rey had started working for the center. Finn had been here at the time and said it had been a well-managed show. No complaints about the band members, although the groupies had been a bit of an issue, and their crews had been efficient and well organized. She’s hoping today will be a repeat of that.

Rey lifts her body from where she’s propped on the wall, intent on approaching them and introducing herself. That is until she realizes they’re in the middle of an argument. One of them, a huge man with thick, jet black hair nearly to his shoulders, seems agitated. She can faintly hear his voice, deep and growling, saying something to his band-mates that sounds decidedly pissed. The other males are all in various modes of trying to calm him down, their voices mimicking those of someone trying to calm a startled animal. The female has her arms crossed, and her body language displays how childish she thinks the whole display is.

“Let’s just get you to the dressing room, dude,” one of the men, who Rey sees has beautiful tanned skin and dark brown hair, urges the big one. “Snoke can find out where the rooms are, and we’ll get this settled.”

“This is getting old, Ren,” the other male, a redhead with exceptional, pointed features, says stiffly. “You’re a grown man who’s been through this a hundred times. Pull yourself together.”

Rey decides now is the time to intervene since none of the other staff seem keen on approaching the agitated group. Rey leaves her corner to make her way to introduce herself, bracing herself for the confrontation. But the older man, the one in the suit, sees her coming and quickly strides over to intercept her. He looks frustrated, and Rey immediately bristles at the irritation on his face as he takes her in.

“Is anyone planning on getting us settled, or are we expected just to stand here tonight?” He demands, his voice deep with the gravel of a man who never misses his evening cigar.

“Find out where the _fuck_ they’re keeping my guitar!” the large one yells in their direction, voice deep and booming off the service area’s concrete walls. “I’m not giving my girl to just any idiot, Snoke.”

“I’m sure my staff is waiting for your clients to gather before interrupting,” Rey says pointedly. She gestures with clear intent in the direction of the angry giant. “But if you’re ready, I’d be happy to have someone show you to your rooms. Your...clients...can give their equipment to their own teams if they’d prefer.”

Rey waves over a nervous member of the hospitality staff. The small girl was unostentatiously hidden behind the curtain, having made herself scarce when the mood of the newest arrivals became evident. She shuffles over slowly, giving Rey a nervous smile.

“Should I show you to your rooms now?” The girl asks, her voice wavering only slightly as she takes in the man’s withering stare.

“Clearly,” he snaps at her, turning away on his heel.

_No._ Absolutely _no._

Rey has grown accustomed to eccentric people. It comes with the job. She can handle those that are perhaps a bit more demanding than they ought to be. But she does not abide by clients being verbally abusive towards her staff. And she’s going to make that very clear to this proud, entitled man right this second before one more intolerable word oozes out of his mouth.

“Mr. Snoke,” Rey calls for him tersely. Her tone makes him freeze, and she knows she’s caught the band members’ attention as well, based on the sudden silence on the other side of the space.

_Good._

“I expect,” she continues, her tone firm, “that you and your clients will treat my staff with nothing but respect during your time with us. I can assure you that you’ll receive nothing but professionalism from them in return. If I hear otherwise of your actions, I will be sure the other venues on your tour are aware of your...expectations.”

Snoke’s face begins to turn purple as he fumbles for a response, and Rey knows the band members are surveying her curiously. She can practically feel the burning intensity of the big one’s glare cutting into her, but she ignores them. Giving an exacting look to the mortified girl before turning on her heels herself and striding away, the only sound at Rey’s back is the continuing clack of her heels.

She knows she’ll need to circle back later to make sure they’re not causing problems for her staff and to make sure the other bands get settled. But for now, she doesn’t have time for diva egos. She has another million and one things to get done before she can sit down, and she’s ready to be done with this exhausting exercise in accomodating the entitled.

\--

It’s ironic how, just as Rey is confident they’ve settled everything, and she’ll finally be able to sit for a moment, that the world begins to unravel around her.

It starts with the unmistakable sound of something slamming into a wall and shattering as she turns down the hallway to do one final check-in before the show begins. Her head whips around, realizing instantly that the sound came from one of the Knights of Ren dressing rooms. Previous experiences lead her to conclude that someone is throwing a bit of a fit, and she has an assumption on whom it is.

Rey crosses the hallways in four fast strides, burning anger of her own rising in her. It’s been a long time since someone got violent in the dressing rooms before the show even starts, and her interaction with Snoke earlier left a bad taste in her mouth. This band has developed a sense of immunity since the last time they were here, and Rey is ready to put the giant in his place.

In retrospect, Rey realizes she should have grabbed someone with security to come with her. But, she argues to herself, then there would have been a witness to her shame. And it starts in the moments following her wrenching on the doorknob and shoving open the door to what she assumes if the fabled Kylo Ren’s dressing room.

But as the door thuds into the wall, and she takes a breath to yell, something horrific happens. Her words catch in her throat, an aroma curling at her nose and nearly bringing her to her knees. Pure, undiluted male alpha pheromones drench the air, scented with something profound, thick, and warm like molasses and cinnamon. It’s rich and spicy, and good lord is it the best thing she’s ever smelled in the entire world.

Rey’s never experienced the scent of an alpha off of their blockers, never met anyone stupid enough to do it in public. Not without a mating bond to take the edge off. So she’s not sure if all alphas smell this amazing, or if it’s unique to the looming figure staring at her from across the room. Kylo’s shoulders are heaving with heavy breaths, and his face tinged red as he takes her in.

“What are you doing here?” Kylo demands, the anger in his voice barely registering to her scent-addled mind. “Get. Out.”

Rey shakes her head, struggling to remember what brought her to this moment. After a breath in which she attempts to gather herself and only serves to sedate herself further, Rey manages to get out, “You threw a lamp. What the fuck?”

Kylo’s face turns from anger to frustration as he rakes his fingers through his hair, tugging at it as he admits, “It’s that smell. _Fuck._ What is it? Who is it? And where are they?” His words are erratic, and Rey considers that he doesn’t even fully register her presence. His eyes are unfocused, staring at her without quite seeing her.

“What...what smell?” Rey asks, wondering if he’s as entranced with the smell as her. Maybe it isn’t him emitting that intoxicating smell. Perhaps he’s an omega too, and he’s also going as crazy as she is at the scent. But that’s impossible because there’s no way this man could be an omega. Everything about him screams ‘alpha.’ If he’s anything other than an alpha male, she’s lost all grasp of how their twisted world works.

“ _The omega_ ,” he breathes. “I can smell them. Where are they?”

Rey’s brain stutters. As far as she knows, there are no other omegas on staff. While employees aren’t required to share their designations, most omegas need to make their supervisors aware of the need for leave time for their heats. She doesn’t make it her business to note who leaves for three or more days at a time on a somewhat regular timeline, but it’s usually something that comes up in the office gossip. She knows for a fact they’ve talked about her, so the fact she wouldn’t have heard about anyone else would be odd. Maybe it’s one of his staff members who’s forgotten their suppressants. She, of course, knows how easy that is to happen.

And then, he’s moving. He’s walking towards Reys, bringing that smell closer with him, and her head is spinning faster and faster. Kylo’s hands push her shoulders to the wall so firmly there’s sure to be bruises tomorrow. His face is so close to hers, and she’s sure her knees are about to give out as she takes him in. His pupils are blown full and black, and his expression is desperate. Even then, Rey can’t help but register the small details of his appearance. Like the small ring on one side of a slightly too large nose. And the bar through the opposite eyebrow. There are also tattoos on his neck, and she has the strange urge to bend her neck to run her tongue over them. She imagines photographing that neck, perhaps with his face hidden in shadow with only the dimmest light behind him to set him in a halo….

She’s lost to the moment of just looking at him when he speaks again, voice low and demanding. “You have to tell me where they are. I have to-”

And then he stops. This colossal, overwhelming mass of a man who’s gripping her so tightly she’s sure her arms are about to split in two stops mid-sentence. His nostrils flare as his eyes grow wide, and slowly, he tilts his head. He leans forward and, much to Rey’s horror brings his nose to her neck. A short exhale along her skin makes a shiver rush down her spine, and then...he inhales.

“You,” he groans. “It’s you. Omega, Omega, Omega....”

She hates her designation. Hates it when people refer to her as “omega” instead of her name. Hates the assumptions people make when they find out. Hates how the things they know about her are suddenly seen through the filter of an omega. But the way he says it, the utter reverence with which he speaks is...utterly delicious.

“That’s impossible,” Rey gasps, suddenly realizing her predicament as she feels dampness begin to pool in her core. It speaks to the deepest part of her omega, the pleasure of hearing her designation spill from his lips. “I’m on suppressants. You can’t smell me.”

“It’s you,” he repeats more firmly this time, his lips ghosting over her skin as he speaks. “What the fuck is an omega doing off her suppressants here?”

Finally, finally, the anger bubbling under the surface of her awareness breaks through the haze of the smell of an unblocked alpha. Rey brings her hands up to press on his chest, trying to stop the progression of the events currently spinning out of control. Her eyes nearly roll to the back of her head when her palms slide over his firm chest, the shifting fabric sending a fresh wave of his smell over her. Kylo purrs, thinking she’s actively participating in the embrace. She wonders with more than a hint of embarrassment if he can smell the slick beginning to leak from her, knowing he probably can. It has the added benefit of making his grip on her arms loosen enough that she takes the opening to shove against him as hard as she can. She’s confident that had he not been so lost in his intent to get his nose as close to her neck as possible, she wouldn’t have succeeded in getting any space between them. But he stumbles back, shocked by her unexpected reaction.

“No,” he gasps, moving to step toward her again to pull her back into his embrace. She ducks under a long arm, skittering foolishly further into the room in an attempt to escape him. He whips around, expression furious and hurt. “Don’t run, Omega.”

“Stop calling me that,” Rey gasps out, hand to her thundering heart. “My name is Rey. And there’s no way what you smell is me. I’m on suppressants.”

“Omegas go off suppressants all the time to get our attention,” he snarls at her, his anger flaring again now that she’s put some distance between them. “And none of them smell half as sweet as you. You’re lying.”

“I’m not-”

Rey doesn’t get the chance to finish her counter reply, because suddenly two more people are shoving their way into the room. It’s the two other males in his band, the brown-skinned one leading the way with eyes wide.

“What the fuck, Ren,” the man snarls, eyes darting between the two of them. His eyes linger on Rey’s frightened expression and wide eyes before turning to Kylo, who’s standing impossibly tall with a heaving chest. “We leave you alone for TEN MINUTES, and you manage to find and corner her.”

“She,” Kylo begins, pointing an accusing finger at her, “came in here of her own volition. She came in here, and she could smell me, and then I could smell her....”

He says ‘her’ with a hint of reverence, taking a step forward in Rey’s direction again. Rey’s instincts want her to step toward him too, closer to that heavenly smell. But her brain is belatedly kicking into gear, and instead, she steps away from his approaching figure.

“You SMASHED a lamp into the wall,” she says, squeaking as his expression goes dark at her retreat. “Of course, I came to investigate.”

“If you run, I will chase you, Rey,” he promises darkly. His name on her lips is evidence that he’s conscious enough to remember her sharing that fact with him. “And I will like it. Perhaps you should,” he adds, lips curling wickedly. “The chase would be fun.”

There’s an exchanged look between the two other band-mates, and Rey sees them nod in agreement before the redhead says, “You should go now, miss.”

“No,” Kylo snarls, launching himself toward Rey. His band-mates grab him, holding him back from Rey and stepping aside to clear the doorway.

“Go NOW,” the tan one says. “GO!”

Rey doesn’t hesitate. She races for the door, hearing it slam the moment she’s through it and keeps running until her heels hit the next corridor near the equipment rooms. Gasping, she turns to press her back against the cold cement before sliding down to sit dazedly on the floor.

What just happened? How did that go from her being fully prepared to tear an entitled brat a new asshole for destroying company property to him nearly...what? _Claiming_ her? Kylo Ren is insane. What sort of man goes off his blockers in public? Was that why they’d asked the staff to stay away? Thinking about it, Rey is almost sure it’s the case. And she fully intends to inform Amilyn of the lapse in ethics this group seems to think they can get away with. Just...just as soon as she can figure out how to tell her without admitting to just how horrifyingly she’d handled the interaction herself.

“So,” comes a cold voice. “You’re the one who got Kylo Ren even more riled up than usual.”

Turning her head, Rey finds the sole female member of the Knights of Ren leaning against the wall near her, a pair of drumsticks in her hand. She’s taller than Rey, with a sturdy build and confident demeanor. Her golden blonde hair is cut high on the sides with a mop of curls tousled on top, and her eyes are sharp as she stares down her nose at Rey.

“I beg your pardon?” Rey asks dumbly, sharing up at the woman.

“I don’t smell what all the fuss is about,” the woman says coldly, raising an eyebrow. “I can’t even smell you. You’re not off suppressants.”

“Where were you five minutes ago?” Rey sighs, leaning over to slide her fingers over her face. “I seem to have been unsuccessful in trying to convince your friend of that.”

“Ren’s an idiot,” the woman snarls, smacking the sticks against the opposite palm. “He doesn’t know his head from his ass, and his temper is childish. He’s prone to making shit up when his blockers wear off.”

The sensation of horror curls in Rey’s stomach at the implications of the woman’s bitter words. It’s almost like it’s a regular occurrence. Her eyebrows shoot into her hair as she demands, “Tell me that’s not intentional.”

The woman doesn’t respond but instead gives Rey a saccharine smile. Then she suggests, “I’d stay away from him the rest of the night if you want that pretty neck intact at the end of the night.”

And then the woman walks away, leaving Rey’s jaw on the ground and heart in her stomach.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so very much to all of you who left some form of feedback! I'm almost halfway done with writing this, and I'm so in love with the storyline. We may have to bump the chapter count up one or two if my writing under-paces my outline, but we'll just leave it where it is for now!
> 
> Just a reminder, this is unbeta'd so any mistakes belong to me and Grammarly :)

[ ](https://imgur.com/F5klMkL)

Inspiration Song (and also the titles' inspiration!):

Rey isn’t sure how long she remains there on the floor, throwing herself a pity party. But it’s the most extended break she can ever remember taking in the middle of the workday. Things have gone decidedly sideways, but she’s beginning to finally draw herself together when the crackling of the radio pulls her through the last bit of fog that’s weighing down her mind.

“Niima,” comes a voice sharp as a whip even through the filter of the radio’s unimpressive speaker. “Where the _hell_ are you?”

Shaking her head, Rey takes a deep, steadying breath at the sound of her boss’s voice commanding her through the radio waves. This is precisely the wrong moment to have a mental breakdown, and yet that’s precisely what she’s doing. Amilyn will be emphatically unimpressed by the fact Rey is shirking her duties because a rock star decided to fondle her in a dressing room.

Dear lord. It sounds tacky even in her own head.

Stumbling to her feet, Rey brings the radio to her lips and depresses the large yellow button on the side to open the channel’s communications. She prays her voice doesn’t sound as unsettled as it feels when she says, “We had a minor incident in the dressing rooms. I’m on my way.”

“Minor incident?” Amilyn’s voice cracks back. “Care to explain?”

Rey sighs, pressing her fingers to her forehead as she says, “Just a broken lamp. Pure accident. It’s handled.”

There’s a pause, and then, “Fucking musicians.”

Rey’s smile returns to her momentarily, her boss’s candor a balm to her shot nerves. She’s always appreciated the way Amilyn never holds back. It can make things stressful when you’re on the wrong side of her temper, but you always know where you stand. Skills in skirting tough subjects were a course of life her boss apparently missed at some point.

“Agreed.”

\--

If there’s one thing her job is suitable for, it’s a distraction. Once Rey returns to the center’s administrative level, there’s not much time for thinking about brooding musicians who smell like an orgasm wrapped in chocolate. There’s a hiccup with the sound system, and the lead technician has mysteriously disappeared for yet another smoke break. When Rey finds him, it’s evident he’s been smoking more than just tobacco, but it’s not an incredible sight for this particular employee. She tells him off for a bit about unapproved breaks, but it’s clearly not penetrating because the smile he offers her is a bit too sedate for someone being reprimanded. Luckily he’s been doing the job long enough to fix things half asleep, so Rey turns on her heels and strides off to the next disaster.

The first act is a local group, and they don’t have enough experience or clout to have a full VFX team to coordinate with. This means the vast majority of any light and sound work falls to the center’s team, so there are a fair bit of kinks to work out as things progress. The following band and the Knights of Ren have tech teams to handle most of the work, so once the first act is over, everyone has a moment to take a breath and regroup before teardown. She wanders up from the back offices lodged behind the stage, relief flowing through her when she crosses off the last bullet on her list for the performances.

Rey lifts her eyes from her tablet, realizing she’s absent-mindedly wandered to the wings of the stage. She knows the middle man group has wrapped up because Finn’s been squawking on the radio about equipment turnover for about twenty minutes. This means The Knights of Ren will be setting up stage now. 

She doesn’t usually watch any of the musical performances the center hosts. It’s not that she’s uninterested. In fact, music played a significant role in her persevering sanity in her youth. It’s more so that there’s typically a looming list of new tasks that must be undertaken to ensure the bands’ exits from the venue runs as smoothly as their entrance. But tonight...well, tonight Rey is willing to place a bit of trust in the other teams and linger a bit. Because she’s not sure that she’ll be able to tear herself away now.

Rey isn’t sure if she’s relieved or disappointed to see that Kylo’s station on the stage is opposite of the wing she stands in. His head is bent as he tunes his guitar, hair covering his face from her view. She can tell from the set of his shoulders that Kylo is antsy, although something tells her it’s from excitement and not nerves. He must be happy with whatever he accomplished because when he raises his face to look at the man set in center stage, his lips are curled into a cocky smile.

Rey’s heart nearly stops when she sees that smile. He’s seemed to be nothing but a grumpy brute since the moment he stepped into the center. It’s nice to see his lips turned upward, even if she can already tell it’s still not quite a genuine smile of joy. His brown-haired bandmate, apparently the singer, reaches over and grabs him with what Rey thinks is a laugh. She’s surprised and relieved to see the two jovial together when last she saw it seemed Kylo would happily rip the man’s arm off.

She can hear shuffling and talking from the crews working around her, along with crackling in her radio as teams communicate during the sounds and lights check. They’re usually things she’s overseeing with them, coordinating information between the center’s staff and the bands’ teams and ensuring everything gets into place as quickly as possible. But now...now, Rey can’t take her eyes off Kylo. It’s unsettling to have this sudden obsession with drinking him in because she knows nothing about him other than his smell is absolutely intoxicating. But it’s as if the longer she watches him, the more fascinating he becomes. He seems to carry a rain cloud with him, one that keeps his demeanor hard even when he’s so obviously in a position he feels confident in.

And then, slowly, the chaos around her begins to slow as the crews’ tasks are completed, everyone settling against walls or on nearby chairs to watch or listen. And it’s Kylo who brings the crowd before them to whoop in excitement as he runs his pick over the strings of his guitar in an intentional melody that catches their attention. He grins over to the singer, who laughs as their redhead friend, who is apparently the bassist, rolls his eyes. The singer turns back to drums where the female who’d been so dismissive of Rey earlier is sitting. Her face is stoic, nearly bored, as she flicks a drumstick in some sort of signal to the rest of them. Kylo turns back to face the audience, and then the sharp sound of his guitar bellows through the speakers.

The music is...not something Rey would have ever picked out herself to listen to. Kylo’s guitar dominates the space, the melody hard and heavy as the bass drives the notes through with a punch. It’s abrasive, yet the longer she listens, the more it begins to make sense to a part of her she’d long since buried. Raw and broken, it pulls on a place in her heart that still feels all the frustration and anger of her youth, during which everything was spinning so out of control she thought she would die from the agony of it. It was a time when she’d felt like the only way to bring herself back to sanity was to just scream and scream into her pillow, kick and punch anything she could get her hands on until all the intensity finally burned out in her.

A shiver runs down her spine when, instead of singing, a low growling voice echoes through the vast space. Her eyes dart to the singer, but she’s surprised to see his lips nowhere near the microphone. His head is dropping forward slowly to the beat, and he’s bouncing on his feet, but he’s not the one growling out the lyrics. She shifts her gaze to Kylo and finds it’s _him_ making that sound that tugs at something primitive inside her. The words are about feeling on top of the world, but knowing you’re going to fall and shatter. That it’s hard to remember who you are when the air is too thin around you. And she’s amazed to watch that he has no problem keeping up playing his guitar while he’s so invested in the song, fully committed to everything he’s throwing down on that stage floor.

It’s not just him for long. After only a few measures, the singer does take over. And his voice is the one Rey expected. Bright and beautiful with his own grit, the words spill like a mournful cry to match the anger in Kylo’s lines. The crowd must know these lines better because more of them are singing along now. Rey’s a bit frustrated, wishing Kylo would do it again so she could watch the raw intensity with which he pours himself into the words that he grinds out. But it’s clear that he doesn’t mind because, without the requirement to focus on words, he’s able to throw himself into his instrument. And suddenly Rey can’t decide which scenario she likes more.

Every second of his time on stage screams that he’s an alpha in control, and it seems to Rey as if she can smell him even from this far away. It’s real and organic, and everything her biology tells her she should be pursuing. And she hates that it’s this way. That one whiff is all it takes to make the most intimate parts of who she is scream and claw for a way to breakthrough. She’s spent her whole life trying to suppress the pieces of her that are the omega, to ignore instincts that feel so integral to who she is. She’s made herself nearly bankrupt on the stupid suppressants and runs the other way at the slightest sign of an alpha. She’s almost sick at the thought of those abhorrent instincts drawing her toward everything she’s tried to avoid.

And yet, something else draws her to him too. Maybe it’s the same thing that brought her to Finn. There’s a sensation being kindred spirits of sorts—another person who’s been given the short end of the stick in life. Like no matter how many people out there are screaming his name, it will never be enough. No matter how much praise he gets, no amount of validation or obsession from anyone will ever slake his yearning. Because he didn’t get it from the right people when he needed it, and no one else will ever substitute no matter how he tries.

Yes, that’s something Rey can relate to.

Rey imagines what it would be like to photograph him on stage like this. Her fingers itch with a sudden, intense desire to capture him in glossy ink and paper. Like in the dressing room, she envisions what it would be like to snap a photo of him at this moment. Perhaps not from here, but a bit further back. Where the brilliance of the stage lights him up from behind, an ethereal god of music. Or perhaps from upfront, where she can look up at him and snap a moment of him standing on top of the world.

And as if some magical pull tugs at him, Kylo’s face turns between songs, and his eyes meet Rey’s. She can see the crudeness there of unsuppressed power and rage and a lust for more. She can _tell_ he’s still not on his blockers, but she doesn’t think that’s the reason for the primal intensity she sees in him. She’s sure there’s more happening under the surface, something that breaks free when he’s on stage. And his face settles into an expression of utter determination as he lifts one leg in her direction while already playing the notes for the next song the singer has prepared the audience for. Rey senses his intention and vehemently shakes her head, pointing the finger at him to urge him to stay on stage. He doesn’t lose a note, and while Rey is impressed yet again at the mastery of his instrument, she’s sure a lot of what he’s doing is muscle memory. He gives her a look, and she knows he’s seconds away from abandoning the stage to pursue her anew.

So Rey does the only thing she can think of to keep him there. She points at herself, then at the ground, and finally back at him.

_I’ll wait for you here._

And there it is. A real smile. It’s devilish and not at all innocent. But it’s real, and it makes something odd catch in Rey’s chest somewhere between joy and anticipation that she can’t explain. Especially as she has no intention of keeping her word.

But it’s enough to get him to focus on the music, even if he does turn every so often to make sure she’s still standing there. And she does, listening to the singer banter with the crowd between songs, right until they play their last note. And then, as the lights on the stage go dark, Rey sees Kylo nearly rip the audio cord from his guitar as he throws it to a crew member before turning toward her with eyes of determination.

Then Rey, like the coward she is, runs away.

\--

Apparently, Kylo broke more than a lamp when he got back to his dressing room. Luckily, according to Amilyn, it was the bands’ own stuff this time.

“Fucking musicians,” she snarls again, echoing her words from earlier. “Seriously, if they didn’t bring in so much goddamn money, I wouldn’t let them within a mile of this place.”

Rey stays quiet, listening to her boss fume as they quickly gloss over their final tasks for the night. It’s always the downhill trek of the night as the bands’ teams can handle the dismantling and packing without any need for coordination from the center’s side other than a few helping hands. But the hospitality team had reported to Amilyn the rather impressive temper tantrum Kylo had thrown, which has Amilyn stomping and snarling into Rey’s makeshift office to demand they meet with the legal team to go over the contracts for performing acts again.

“I don’t care about the repercussions,” Amilyn huffs as she paces the small open space in the middle of the room. “If I hear a word of _any_ alpha going off their blockers in _my_ center again, I will personally jam a bottle of the shit down their throat. You know I couldn’t give two shits about someone’s designation.” She pauses for a moment, survey’s Rey’s reaction to her words before continuing, “But I _do_ care when a lack of self-control threatens the safety and well being of my staff and my facility.”

Rey’s nervous, absentmindely rolling a plastic water bottle between her hands to give her something to do while she thinks. The small ring on her right middle finger clicks against the plastic as it rolls, the paper label making a crunching noise beneath her palms. “We don’t know that’s what’s happened.”

Amilyn immediately stops in her tracks, then slowly turns to face Rey head-on. Her expression is mildly annoyed, yet slightly uncomfortable as she says, “Rey, I know what happened in that dressing room. You and I both know that man was off his blockers.”

Red blooms on Rey’s cheeks, flushing down her neck and to her chest as the mortification settles in. It suddenly feels like every moment of professionalism she’s strived to maintain has been dashed upon the rocks that rim an ocean of disappointment. One stupid man has reduced her to just her designation to her boss, a designation that deems her weak and unfit for anything more than being the basket to hold an alpha’s young. Pitiful.

“Oh, come now.” Amilyn’s tone is clipped as she scolds Rey. “Don’t look at me like that. You and I have worked together long enough for you to know you being an omega is the furthest thing from my mind. But he put you in real danger tonight, and I won’t stand for that.”

“He wouldn’t have hurt me.” Rey shocks them both with her sudden, impulsive need to defend him. Yet she knows the words to be accurate as she says, “I was never in any danger with him. He just...he was just a bit raw, and intense.”

Amilyn’s nostrils flare as she considers Rey, considers her words. Rey braces herself, preparing for a masterful correction that she surely desperately needs, but when Amilyn’s mouth opens, it’s not her voice that fills the space.

“Amilyn, Rey?” comes a distorted voice through the radio. “The band, er, the Knights of Ren I think it is. They’re... they’re asking for you. They’d like to talk to you before they leave.”

Rey’s heart quite literally stops in her chest. She’d been more than ready to simply hide here in her office until they left, never to be seen again. Then Finn would have retrieved her, laughing mercilessly at her all night and probably the rest of the week until he finally moved on to something new to tease her about. However, she hadn’t prepared herself for the potential that she’d be forced to face them again.

Amilyn doesn’t give Rey a chance to respond. Instead, she lifts her radio and gives a curt, “Copy.”

When Rey’s heart restarts, it plummets into her stomach.

“Come on,” Amilyn says, closing her eyes and taking a bracing breath before saying, “Let’s go get the groveling over with so we can get this fucking night over with.”

\--

Kylo’s nowhere to be seen and Rey is surprised that the predominant emotion curled in her chest is disappointment and not relief. Instead, only the three other band members and Mr. Snoke stand by the exterior doors that lead to the bus loading area. They all shake hands for a moment, and that’s when Rey finally learns the names of the rest of The Knights of Ren band.

The singer’s name is Poe Dameron, and he appears to be the only one out of the three that actually goes by his first name. The redhead bassist is named Armitage Hux, but he chooses to simply go by Hux. And the drummer’s name is Gwen Small, but she’s somehow acquired the nickname ‘Phasma.’ Mr. Snoke doesn’t bother to reintroduce himself to Rey or Amilyn, and he doesn’t even bother to offer a handshake. He merely stands back to observe, beady eyes narrowed in distaste every time they fall on Rey.

“We wanted to apologize for Kylo,” Poe says, his voice rich and full in a way she’d missed before in the dressing room when he’d encouraged her to leave. “I promise you, he’s not normally like this. Tonight was an anomaly, and I assure you he’s more than a little shaken up about what happened.”

“So, your errant guitarist doesn’t normally make a habit of going off his mood-stabilizing blockers?” Amilyn’s voice is like a whip as she cuts through Poe’s apology. Poe flinches, and Amilyn’s eyes shine with a hint of triumph. She’s wanted to knock these idiots down several pegs all night, and this Poe fellow has provided the opening she’s been looking for.

“Well, actually he does,” Poe admits, eyes blinking in surprise. “The blockers...well, he doesn’t take them before shows. It’s never been a problem, but something really set him off tonight.”

Rey doesn’t miss the way his eyes dart to her and then away again, and she knows what problem he’s referring to. Her. _She_ was the problem tonight. For some reason, her mere presence was enough to send him over the edge into a caveman space so deep and dark that he hadn’t been able to pull himself out of it.

“I’m sorry about what happened, ma’am,” Poe says after a moment of awkward silence in which Rey is fighting away tears. “Is there...is there anything we can do for you before we go?”

Yes. Rey needs to start this whole damn night over again. She wants to go back to this morning when the coffee had been in perfect proportion to the amount of creamer she had left in the bottle. When the last chocolate chip muffin in the plastic tin on her counter had still been soft and delicious after five days being open. When one of her favorite songs had come on the radio on her way to work. When things had been orderly, settled, organized, and just the way she’d always strived for them to be.

And now all she wants to do is run until her lungs give out.

“Air,” she says, darkness crowding the edges of her vision as she feels herself beginning to spiral down into that well of the endless night she’s come to know too well. “I...I need air.”

And she’s darting away a third time tonight, using the muscles in her legs to carry her swiftly away from the thing that’s making her heart hammer in her chest. She doesn’t have a plan, other than to escape. Her ill-advised high heels make that clicking noise again, and Rey lets out a small, muffled scream behind her closed lips as the sound adds to the mounting tension in her chest. She doesn’t pay any attention to where she’s going until her hands hit the metal push bar of an exterior door, and suddenly she’s breathing in the bracing night air.

The door slowly closes and clicks shut behind her, but Rey doesn’t give more than a passing thought that she may have just locked herself out. Her keys may be in her pocket, or they may still be sitting on her desk. For now, the cold brick at her back and cooler air in her lungs make the blackness start to ease. She forces herself to focus on her breathing, to make the breaths come in slowly and leave even slower. Inhaling roses, blowing out candles. Back and forth until her breathing goes back to normal. There’s a soothing smell on the breeze tonight, a warm spice that steadies the tremors in her hands and calms her racing heart.

A smell she recognizes.

It’s not as intense as before, but still there in a soft, delicate way. Like the faint smell of bread baking in the oven, that moment before it’s entirely done and the scent is just beginning to waft out to tease the baker.

Kylo.

Rey’s eyes burst open as she turns her head in either direction until she sees him posed similarly as she just a few yards down the wall from her. He’s bringing a cigarette to his mouth, his face expressionless as he simply watches her ease herself out of a mental breakdown.

“Did you get tired of the bureaucratic bullshit happening in there too?” 

It doesn’t make sense to Rey that his voice would be so smooth and crystalline after having just growled his way through 45 minutes of stage time, followed by a lung-annihilating cigarette break. Then again, few things about this man have made sense since she first laid eyes on him.

“Your friends are leaving soon,” Rey says dumbly, watching the end of his cigarette light up cherry red in darkness lit only by a single bulb over the door between them.

“They’ll wait,” he says indifferently, a curl of smoke easing out with his words.

He still hasn’t turned to look at her, so the only part of him Rey can make out is his profile. The side facing her is the one with the small silver ring in his nose, and when he tilts his head back to let loose the rest of the smoke in his lungs, the ring catches the light for a split second. It serves as a distraction for only a moment, but a second later, Rey finds the words spilling unbidden from her lips.

“You seem better.”

Kylo tilts his head ever so slightly to toss a dark glance in her direction before turning away again, closing his eyes as he brings the cigarette between his lips anew. “I took my blockers after the show.”

Relief pours over Rey. “That’s good.”

Kylo scoffs. “Don’t try so hard to sound relieved, baby. I can still smell you.”

Rey knows her first reaction should be to voice her distaste at the unearned pet name. But instead, it’s the second sentence out of his mouth that catches her attention the most. “That’s impossible, Kylo. I’m on suppressants, and you’re back on her blockers. Anything you’re smelling is in your head.”

“Damn it!” he snarls, turning to stride toward her. He’s before her in the time it takes her heart to squeeze a beat, the hand holding the cigarette now planted on the wall beside her head. He keeps his fingers pinched around it as he glares down at her, the small trail of smoke curling unpleasantly by her face. She can see his tattoos on his arm beside her, a black and white design she can’t make out with bits of solid color placed within. She wants to examine them, trace her fingers along the lines to explore him for just a moment. She nearly raises her hands, but his next words slam into her like a freight train.

“Stop fucking lying to me, Rey. I’ve been doing this long enough that this trick is old and tired. You’re not the first omega to show up at my feet off suppressants and trying to catch my attention.”

Rey isn’t sure what horrifies her more: the fact that women actually _do_ that, or the fact that he thinks she’s brainless enough to be another one.

“Fuck _off_ , Ren,” she says with a gnash of her teeth, shoving at his chest for the second time tonight. “I’m not going to repeat it, so here’s your last chance to get it through that thick alpha skull of yours. I’m. On. Suppressants.”

“Bullshit,” he retorts. This close, Rey can see his dark amber eyes have flecks of green in them that glimmer in the light of that small bulb over their heads. His breath is filled with spearmint’s clean scent, and the tobacco’s harsh cut runs against her cheeks before trailing to her nose. “I blamed it on my blockers before, but I’ve got a fresh dose on board, and I can still smell you.”

Fed up, Rey decides to end the argument once and for all. Scoffing, Rey shoves her arm between them, twisting to reveal the soft inside of her upper arm where the small, fresh incision from her implant insertion lives. And while the incision is indeed minute and discreet, she knows it’s visible to him when they’re standing this close to each other.

“I had it implanted yesterday morning,” she says with a huff. “It’s fresh, and my body has had plenty of time to put it to use. I promise you, Kylo, I’m not making this up.”

Kylo stands frozen for a moment, staring at the evidence of her honesty with an expression of fear and confusion. Slowly, he raises the hand that’s not pressed into the wall beside her head. He brings it up between them, allowing one finger to brush over the incision and just a fraction of an inch downward, pressing gently to feel the small rod that lives under her skin.

“I can smell you too,” she admits softly to the side of his face. “And if you really did take your blockers, it doesn’t make any more sense than you being able to smell me.”

“You’re really not shitting me,” he breathes, turning his eyes to meet hers.

No, she really isn’t shitting him. It’s not as intense as before, but it’s there. It’s a warm, twisting smell that glides over her skin like a blanket. It soothes her everywhere it touches, and yet at the same time, it sets all her nerve endings ablaze. It’s manageable now, rather than the all-encompassing force it was earlier. She can appreciate it better, detect the subtler notes of hickory and sandalwood she’d missed before. Warmth begins to curl inside her, Rey has the urge to-

Purring. The hulking brute of a man standing before her is suddenly purring as his eyes darken. The sound makes her knees shake, and she nearly falls to the ground as the strength goes out of her. But suddenly, he’s there. He presses Rey against the wall and holds her steady, the hand previously tracing her implant now somehow cradling her head. He doesn’t say anything, instead choosing just to stare at her a moment longer as he brings his cigarette to his lips. He takes one last pull off of it, the burning embers at the end lighting up his face in a haunting way for just a moment before he throws it to the ground and crushes it beneath the sole of his shoe.

Then, he closes his eyes, face screwed up in concentration as if he’s attempting to make that last bit of nicotine last. And then slowly, he lets it go. Rey braces herself for the foul air to hit her face, but he turns slightly to allow it to drift in the wind away from them. She can still catch a brief whiff, but when he turns back, she now has a new experience to ponder.

Because suddenly, Kylo’s lips are on hers.

At first, the only thing Rey can process is that they’re softer than she thought they would be. They press against her insistently, warm and silky and utterly intoxicating. Up close like this, closer than they’ve ever been, the pulsing of his pheromones is more definite in the air than she thought possible between the hazes of their suppressants. She just exists there, pressed between the only thing holding her up and the only thing holding her steady.

And then, as if by instinct, her hands rise between them to run along the ridges of his chest. Her lips start to move against his as her fingers climb the hill of his shoulders. When they reach his neck, Kylo presses her harder against the wall until their bodies are flush. Their chests move together as they attempt to take little puffs of air in between kisses, and when Rey’s fingers finally find their way to Kylo’s hair, he groans. His tongue moves along the seam of her lips, pleading for entrance. And when she gives his hair a gentle tug as her fingers card through his locks, his responding growl makes her gasp. It gives him the opening he needs, tongue sliding inside to coax her own into tangling with his.

The taste is exquisite. Even the cigarette’s flavor on Kylo’s teeth is exhilarating, the bitter spice blending with the heavy, sweet notes of vanilla and molasses. Rey’s been kissed before. Rey’s had a man between her legs in the past, in more ways than one. But even just a kiss from Kylo blocks the light of any former lover’s memory.

The hand previously holding the cigarette is now at her hip, thumb twisting and pulling at her shirt until a small piece comes untucked from her skirt, allowing him to press his fingers against the skin underneath. Kylo’s fingertips are cold from the night air, and they make Rey jump when they meet her heated skin. They don’t move any higher than the swell of her hip, gently brushing back and forth to skim against her. His lips leave hers to trace trails along her cheek and over, teeth lightly ghosting over the scent gland below her ear and at the base of her throat where it meets her collar bone. The sensations are a crush of pleasure burning through Rey, making her gasp at the contact.

Kylo groans into her neck, his grip on her hip tightening as he nips at her collarbone gland a bit harder this time. Rey’s cunt clenches as she hears him take a deep breath, breathing in the pheromones that are bursting now from the glands he’s teasing. His breathing sounds ragged as if he’s barely holding on to himself.

“Rey,” he grinds out, his voice carrying a wave of that growl she’d heard on stage. She whimpers, and she feels his lips curve into a smile against her skin. “How do you have the sweetest, softest skin I’ve ever kissed? I couldn’t decide earlier if I liked your hair up where I could see your pretty little neck, or if I wanted to see it down and feel it brush over my thighs while you suck on my cock.

_Whoa._

This is another moment that strikes Rey as if she should be putting this man in his place. But she doesn’t. She is a full, willing participant in what is happening, and she can tell by the way he says it that he’s not saying it to be crude. He’s not saying it to assert some strange male dominance on her or as a peacock display of masculinity. He’s raw and honest with a willing partner, and she sighs against his skin.

“I hate wearing it up,” she admits in a moment of shocking mental acuity she didn’t think she’d possess in a moment like this. “But it’s easier when I’m trying to get things done.”

He hums in approval at her attempts at conversation. “It certainly has its advantages,” he says as his lips skate across her jaw to the other side where he finds her other glands swollen and waiting.

Rey has never been with an alpha before. As an omega, the world assumes any alpha will make an omega cream their pants at just the sight of them. But in reality, the presence of most alphas is...unpleasant. They all feel too intimidating to her, dangerous even. She can’t smell any of them like she can Kylo, but she gets enough of a hint if they get close enough that the scent makes her stomach seize painfully. It’s as if her body is warning her that getting tangled up with an Alpha would be bad for her health. She’s always preferred the company of betas, who are scent-free and stable, or even the rare omega.

But Kylo...everything about him _sings_ to her. She wants to be annoyed by her omega biology, which wants to grab her pussy and press it against him. But the way he holds her, hand on her head cradling her while the other is rough and demanding as it inches its way down her skirt….

After a moment of contemplation, Rey decides she’s glad she wore the skirt tonight. It’d been hanging in her closet for months, an impulsive buy when she’d received her first real bonus. It’s been the considered attire several times before Rey would settle on her usual skinny ankle black dress pants. But today, for whatever reason, she’d decided on the skirt. And thank god, because Kylo’s fingers have now reached the bottom hem. The pads of his fingers, rough and calloused from a career playing guitar, are surprisingly gentle as they skin carefully over the skin the hem of her skirt kisses.

“Tell me you want this,” he begs against her skin, voice deep and raw. “I won’t be that alpha. I need you to tell me this is what you want.”

His fingers are skimming along the inside of her thigh now, barely under the hem of her skirt. And Rey says the only thing she can manage as the fog begins to roll in.

“Yes,” she gasps. “Please….”

Kylo doesn’t hesitate anymore. His fingers trail immediately upward, and they stop to tease the skin at the edge of her panties. The dip where her thigh meets her pelvis...she never knew the flesh there would be so sensitive. She can’t decide if the sensation is ticklish or sensual...perhaps a bit of both. Regardless, her breath hitches as nibble fingers ease from her hip back toward the part clenching needily.

“Kylo,” she says beseechingly. “Kylo-”

His fingers leave her, and Rey has to choke back a sob. No, no, no. He couldn’t stop, he couldn’t-

His fingers are there again, moving downward under her panties until they find her clit. He presses gently there, and Rey’s hips heave forward in a bid to get him to push harder. He chuckles, face still buried in her neck as her breath gets caught up in her throat.

“Easy, baby,” he croons, his voice again carrying an echo of the growl that had held fast to Rey’s attention earlier tonight. “Let me take care of you.”

His middle finger traces lazy circles around her, teasing with gentle pressure. He gradually increases the tempo, learning how to stimulate her that has her head falling back, and those embarrassing little noises falling from her lips. And then the finger wanders down, the thick digit slowly pressing its way along her slit.

“Fuck,” he gasps as Rey moans. “You’re so wet, baby.”

A sick blaze of pleasure glides down her spine at his words. He draws back and forth along the seam, collecting the slick before pressing inward, making a hiss draw from Rey’s lips. She’s far from a virgin, but it’s been longer than she’d like to admit. And that one finger... it’s like sin and perfection.

“I can already tell you have a tight pussy, Rey,” he says, the filthy words making her cunt clench. He draws the finger out, and she lets out a whimper of protest. But then she watches as he brings the finger to his lips and gives it a sensual lick from base to tip. A feral grin crosses his face as he adds, “And what a sweet little cunt it is too.”

Words escape Rey. All she can do is watch as he stares at her, pupils bottomless pits ringed with only the slightest bit of amber. He reaches down again, sliding two fingers in and letting his thumb work over her clit. He starts casually but works his way up, bringing her body to a fever pitch. She’s groaning, incoherent words fumbling past her lips until the pleasure crests, crashing over her. Kylo only lets her get out the briefest of noises before sealing his lips to hers, swallowing her cries in a deep kiss. She lets out a squeal into his mouth as the wetness coats his fingers, and he hums in satisfaction.

“Good girl,” he praises as he pulls away from her lips, watching as she slowly comes down from her high.

“I can’t believe we just did that,” Rey gasps, her knees shaking underneath her.

Kylos’ fingers are still buried inside her. At her words, he twitches his fingers to press against the front of her walls again. He easily brushes the place that nearly has her shooting for the stars all over, and she chokes. A dark expression crosses his face.

“It happened,” he insists. “And you’re not going to stand here and pretend like it didn’t mean anything.”

Rey lets out a startled snort. _Really?_

“Aren’t you supposed to be the rockstar acting like finger banging a chick in an alley isn’t a big deal?”

Kylo doesn’t respond at first. He merely stares at her, and Rey can see he’s debating something that clearly has him troubled. He slowly pulls his finger from her, and she has to fight back a hiss at the change in sensation. The suddenly quiet alpha adjusts her skirt without muttering a word, and she begins to feel a bit nervous at his sudden silence after so many minutes of whispering into her ear. She can see the moment he comes to a decision, a look of almost resignation on his face as he looks up to meet her eyes.

“Stay with me tonight.”

“ _What?_ ” Rey can’t help the way it comes out like a startled cry. Is he serious?

“Stay with me,” he repeats, his eyes telling her just how deadly serious he is. “We’re not leaving until tomorrow morning. We have the night. Stay with me.”

Rey raises an eyebrow, looking over his shoulder at the large buses parked in the far lot behind them. “You want me, the girl you just fingered against a wall, to climb into your rock star tour bus with you, and have sex with you all night until you leave in the morning?”

Kylo just stares at her a moment, his expression furious. It occurs to Rey it’s probably not very kind to make fun of him like this, but he can’t be serious. Nothing about this scenario makes any sense, and she’s not about to let herself fall victim to the questionable judgment of a celebrity.

And then, Kylo’s lips are on hers again. It’s not slow and sensual this time, but hard and demanding. His tongue presses forward, aggressively running along with the joining of her lips until she mindlessly grants him entry. The hand that’s never left her head weaves even more tightly in her hair, giving it a pull downwards and forcing her to tilt her face up further to give him better access. Heat spills slowly through Rey again, curling until she realizes her body isn’t as sated as she would have expected it to be after having just experienced a rather satisfactory orgasm.

He kisses her until she’s dizzy and can hardly breathe, then he pulls back and asks again, “Stay with me.”

And later, Rey will blame that dizziness when she remembers that she said, “Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't be bashful about interacting with me on Tumblr too - over there I'm simplyabbeycat. I'd love to chat with you guys!
> 
> <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Thank you so much to everyone who said "Hi" to me on Tumblr and left reviews. I REALLY appreciate the feedback. I'm glad you are all enjoying it so far, I hope this chapter meets your needs ;)

[ ](https://imgur.com/DJ6y8OL)

**Song Inspiration: Gorgeous Nightmare**   
(I definitely recommend giving this a quick listen, even if you just listen to the 29 second clip. There's a raw, dirty sexy edge to this song that just sets a mood that I tried to press into the tension between these two.

Rey’s vaguely aware of the moment he carries her into the bus, her legs wrapped around his waist with his hands supporting her by pressing against her ass. His tongue is in her mouth again, and the haze she’d felt earlier is quickly descending. There’s only him, his intoxicating smell, and the overwhelming clench in her body. She’s desperate to get closer to him, desperate to feel his skin pressed against every inch of hers. She gasps as her back meets a wall, nearly oblivious to the pain of what feels to be a cabinet handle digging into a shoulder blade.

Kylo pulls away, and Rey lets out an involuntary growl at the separation. She’s barely in control of her body, chasing after some force that seems to cling to her skin and suffocate her. It’s as if everything inside her vibrates against her will, painful, raging magma pouring into every inch of her. Burning electricity chases after it, igniting every muscle to move and grab on to anything. He needs to be  _ closer _ , she’d happily crawl inside of him at this point….

“Easy, baby,” Kylo croaks, lifting a hand to caress her cheek. “Slow down.”

She can’t. It’s not that she doesn’t want to. Rey despises this out of control feeling. It’s the same things that happen when her obsessive tendencies kick in. Her body moves without direction but instead acts at the whim of her obsessions. Her hands are tugging and pulling, clawing for something she can’t put into words. Grabbing, seizing, arching.

“Rey.” It’s a snarl now, the command in it absolute. It takes hold of her very desires, holding them tightly in his grasp. She’s still vibrating, but soon her body is pitched to listen, receive, obey. His eyes go wide at her blown pupils, unfocused gaze, and soft lips.

“Fuck.” He sounds wrecked as he takes her in. He considers something for a moment, then speaks again. His voice is firm and authoritative as he says, “Stay still.”

_ Yes. _ A directive. Something to do. Something for Rey’s brain and body to grasp at, an action that will give her purpose. She goes still, chest still heaving as she obeys. The haze settles in a bit closer, and Rey can feel a part of her slipping.

“Baby,” he murmurs, his expression a wash of awe. He brings his forehead to hers, the pace of his breath matching her own frantic inhales. “Is that what you need? Someone...to tell you what to do?”

_ NO. _ Part of Rey is screaming. Control is the only thing she has. She has no power over the world, but she has power over herself. Giving that up, the one thing she has...no. Her mind rebels against the thought, pushing away as her body echoes  _ “yes”  _ in the beating of her heart.

“I can see it, Rey.” His eyes meet hers, insistent and raw. “You need this. I can practically feel how wound up you are, and frantically you have to keep control of everything. I saw it in the bossy way you came marching into my dressing room and in how you handled Snoke. It’s your way of keeping everyone at bay by making them do what you want. But, you don’t have anyone you can trust to give you a break from handling all that power.”

An ache blooms in her chest, a massive sense of exhaustion pouring over her. How can a perfect stranger so poignantly identify what makes every bone in her body moan in frustration? Rey feels a tear cascade down her cheek as the cacophony of sensations echoes inside her.

Rey remembers a time in her life when she was without any control over anything in her life. Someone decided when she was allowed to relieve herself and was allowed to eat, or whether or not she was able to wear clothes that day. Every decision a functional human being should have been able to make was stripped away. And when she finally got free, she swore she’d never let herself be in that place again.

But...the stress of maintaining the constant grip on control is exhausting. It was something Rey’d relished before it became a burden, isolating her from everyone. But she can’t let go, because letting anyone ever have domination over her again could lead down a path she worries she’ll never be able to resurrect herself from. Her desperate need to maintain influence over every circumstance and keep everyone else at a safe distance has, unfortunately, worked far too well. Rey has only successfully managed to foster a trusting relationship with one person, Finn. It’s something her therapist had called a triumph in the face of past trauma, and somehow still Rey feels utterly alone.

A sob wrenches up in her chest as another tear falls, and Kylo’s face grows tender. He bends to press his lips to her cheeks, absorbing the tears as they fall. Humiliation joins every other emotion that’s battering her. She’s known this man all of a handful of hours, and he’s the first person she can remember crying in front of since she was 14 years old. But he doesn’t scold her or recoil. If anything, he holds her all the tighter. She doesn’t miss the erection that still presses against her hip, but he doesn’t pursue it. Instead, his hands cup her face as his thumbs trace gently along her jaw.

“Let me take care of you,” he says on a breath, a quiver barely detectable in the deep baritones that make up his voice. “I can be that person for you, Rey. You can let go with me, and I’ll take such good care of you.”

An offer, not a demand. A soft, easing proposal that has Rey’s body arching against his again. The heat is rising again, pushing aside all of the toxic feels that are swirling inside of her. For how intimidating he was before, this Kylo before her now is kind and patient. And, perhaps for one night, Rey can see what this feeling of surrender can offer her. She’s unsure whether it’s her biology or something about Kylo that calls her very soul. But a deep sense of longing fills her at the idea.

It seems Kylo can sense the moment she acquiesces, but he won’t accept that for an answer. He puts a bit of that authoritative tone back into his voice as he demands, “Use your words, Rey. You need to say it out loud, so I know this is what you want.”

A groan eases from her lips, followed by a voice so calm and clear she hardly recognizes it. 

“Yes.”

A look of victorious glee settles on Kylo’s face, but his proud grin only lingers for a moment before he presses his lips to hers again. He’s more insistent this time, demanding entrance to her mouth rather than the gentle requests for permission that he’d favored before. Something light and floating stirs in Rey as the foggy sensation ramps up, leaving her with a sensation of weightlessness. The feeling of giving in is remarkable, and Rey can feel her body clawing for him again, her desperation making an abrupt return.

Kylo must sense its revival because he pulls away suddenly. He regards her for a moment, then commands, “Your hands. Put them above your head.”

Her hands? Rey’s not even sure where they are at the moment. She presses against the smothering sensation coating her brain, searching for the limbs she’s supposedly in control of. Eventually, it occurs to her that they’re in his hair, tugging desperately at his locks. But she doesn’t know how to work them anymore, or how to make them obey what she wants.

Mercifully, Kylo raises his own hands to grab them, extracting them from his hair. He pushes them to his chest, where he gathers both wrists in one paw of a hand before raising them over her head to slam against the wall above her. The sensation is sharp enough to help her gather herself, just shy of painful.

“Leave them here,” he says, leaving no room for negotiation. Not that Rey minds, surprised at how relieving it is to simply follow the orders given to her.

Once Kylo is sure she’ll obey, he lets his fingertips slowly trail down the soft skin of her forearms, down to her elbows to the inside of her right upper arm. He trails his fingers over her collar bone, stopping to swirl over the flaming scent gland he finds there again. He smirks as she groans, then slowly brings his hands to the buttons that go in a line from her collar down the length of her skirt. He undoes the first one with surprising grace that Rey attributes to him being a man who knows exactly what to do with his fingers. Rey doesn’t know why it’s such a surprise for her when he’d already proven his skills just moments before against that brick wall. 

Once he pops the second button, he bends his head to press a kiss to the blazing skin he finds there, the sensation breathtaking. He lets his fingers dip into the exposed hollows of her collarbones before continuing to trail down to undo one button after another. He places another kiss at the dip of her cleavage, then another below the center of her everyday black bra. He licks at the skin below each cup as his fingers finish off the last of her buttons.

His hands then tug at her shirt, wrestling it free from where it was tucked into her skirt. He traces the fabric around until his fingers find the small of her back. He glides up her spine, the calluses on his fingers rough and yet tender until they find the clasp at her back. He makes short work of it, the tight constraints of her bra loosening against her ribs. He follows the line of it back to her front, and Rey expects him to order that she drops her hands. She’s beginning to grow restless without something to hold on to, and the command would be a relief. But he doesn’t. Instead, he merely raises the cups above the modest mounds of her breasts to expose them.

“Suck pretty little pink tits you have, baby,” he says in that dominating tone. “Perfection.”

“Please,” Rey gasps. His mouth is level with her sternum now, his breath easing over her to heat and cool the flesh he finds there. She can feel the slick starting to pool at her center, the deep clenching sensation returning. Desperation is starting to rise in her, and it’s almost as if Kylo can taste it on the air between them.

“Keep your hands above your head,” he reminds her. He dips his head to take one nipple into his mouth, flicking it with his tongue before giving it a firm suckle.

Rey’s head throws back, making a dull thud noise against the cabinet behind her. The pain of the knob in her shoulder is becoming more noticeable, but it’s still not enough to break the fog around her. Her hands are starting to tingle as less blood reaches them, but she’s eager to play along just a bit longer. It’s exquisite agony to not be able to run her fingers through his hair and feel the silky tresses passing through them again.

The world is fuzzy around the edges now, honed in on just him and her in their small space in the galaxy. All other sensations flee except those making her fully aware each pass of his tongue over her. He gives a slight nip at her nipple, the pinprick of pain skittering downward to make more slick gather between her legs.

He gives the nipple a sharper bite the next time, and Rey lets out a little shriek at the sudden pain. But his tongue is there again, soothing the sting. The contrast has her moaning, and when he repeats the process to the other side, she nearly loses the strength in her legs. She’s beginning to wonder if it’s actually possible to orgasm on nipple stimulation outside of a porno when suddenly he leaves them, dragging downward to place more kisses down her body until he’s kneeling between her legs.

“I’ve been wondering what this pretty little cunt looks like after feeling it come all over my fingers,” he breathed, hands slowly going to the zipper on the side of her skirt. “And you’re going to show me, aren’t you, baby?”

Rey is no wizard with words, but she would have expected to be able to say  _ something  _ in response to the dirty talk he seemed so fond of. But nothing comes to her as she stares down at him, watching him slowly peel down her skirt and simple black cotton underwear. The sight of him kneeling before her feels wrong somehow as if he shouldn’t kneel for even the mountains and the oceans if they demand it. Not this large, powerful man. And yet her body is screaming for the attention it knows it receives from someone in Kylo’s current position, and a sense of pride at knowing he’s there for her exclusive pleasure.

He unceremoniously drags her knee to his shoulder, raising a finger to slide along the inside of her thigh, which is damp from the wetness he’s inspired. He growls a low and predatory noise that has the omega inside of her preening. Her alpha can see what he’s done to her, see how ready she is for him, and he’s  _ pleased _ . When his finger reaches her folds, they both hiss at the contact, and Rey feels a million miles away from earth.

He clearly remembers what to do from before, what she likes for pressure and touch. Rey happily floats along with the smooth current that leads to an expected orgasm when, suddenly, the press of his fingers is replaced with the soft and insistent slide of his tongue. And with that, she’s thrown into the rapids with nothing to hold on to. He swirls his tongue around her clit, and his fingers slide inside of her to press and push. The pressure is a delicious burn, and Rey desperately wants to reach down and grab his hair, anchoring herself. It’s nearly impossible to process the sensations without something to hold on to, and then his fingers brush the spot that morphs the moans already spilling over her lips into a gasp of his name.

“That’s it, sweet omega,” Kylo purrs, the vibrations of his voice against her flesh adding to the pleasure. “You’re going to come for me. I can already feel you trembling.”

“Kylo,” Rey chokes out again. “Kylo, please-”

And with a smooth shift of his fingers inside her, Kylo sends her rocketing over the edge. She’s vaguely aware of the sounds of his praise, but they barely process as everything in her clenches desperately. A chanting plea echoes in Rey’s head, and it’s not until she comes down from the peak with the scent of his own arousal thick in the air that she realizes she’s saying it out loud.

“Knot, knot, knot, knot….”

Kylo seems to lose his patience for games at that moment. No coy demand for obedience comes from him. Instead, he’s silent efficiency. He removes Rey’s leg from his shoulder without a word, and she nearly crumbles on numb legs when he captures her in his arms. His lips are on hers, sloppy and desperate in a sharp foil to the perfectly executed seduction earlier in the night. His smell is saturating everything around Rey, and all she can think and feel is him. Her legs manage to wrap around his waist, his hand supporting her ass again, supporting her as he carries her further down the narrow hallway. Her bare cunt is pressed against him now, and she can feel the rigid form of his erection through the fabric of his jeans. It makes her clench again as fresh slick gathers again, ruining the front of his jeans. But he doesn’t seem to care; if anything, it seems to excite him as his scent spikes still in cadence with the way he firmly grips the flesh of her ass in his palms.

Rey had pondered earlier how they were going to manage to fuck on the small bunkbed style accomodations most buses offer their residents. Unaware of her surroundings but ready to be tossed to the side in a small bunk, she’s surprised when they don’t stop until they reach the very end of the bus. He hits a button, and she can hear the slide of the door open and then close, and the smell of leather joins the scent of him before the sharp sensation of a cold surface against her bare skin makes her flinch.

Sparing only a moment to look around, Rey can see they’re in what seems to be a sitting area with a large table in the center. Probably for meals or meetings. The fact that she’s soiling the surface with her body sends a sick pleasure through her, and Kylo must catch the spike in her pheromones because he gives her a wicked grin.

“That’s right, baby,” he says with a satisfied gleam in his eyes. “We have our meetings here, and some of the crew eat their meals here too. And I’m going to fuck you here, so every time I sit at this table, I’ll be reminded of how your pussy felt on my cock.”

Rey’s mindless as her breaths begin to come faster, his words spurring her on in his quest to make his words a reality. She tugs at the black shirt that covers his massive frame, and Kylo bows his body to accommodate her as she pulls it free. When she’s divested him of his shirt, he allows her a moment to run her fingers over his chest’s smooth skin before he bends to eliminate the rest of his clothing. He grabs something from his pocket, and when he stands up, Rey sees he has a condom packet clenched between his teeth. His hands now free of their burden, he wordlessly stands and reaches for Rey. Mimicking him, she doesn’t say a word as the man before her slowly reaches for the shirt she still wears, his fingers brushing slowly along her collarbone and shoulders as she eases the shirt down her arms. It pools around her, and he reaches up to remove her bra as well. Their eyes stay locked the entire time, each measuring each other and silently confirming the other’s consent.

And when the last barriers between them are tossed away, Kylo finally speaks as he steps between the legs that hang over the side of the table.

“I need you to tell me this is okay,” he says, voice soft but firm as he removes the packet from between his lips. His eyes are still on hers, steady and dependable. “You need to tell me you want this, and what you want me to do to you.”

The request for her consent is one of the hottest things he’s done yet tonight. A part of Rey is sad because it’s undoubtedly something he’s been taught to do by the industry, to try to minimize the risk of sexual assault charges. But she’s also learned enough about him tonight to know that while he thrives on being in charge, it’s clearly just as important to him that both parties approve of what’s happening. It builds a layer of trust she hadn’t expected and soothes a part of her she hadn’t realized was aching.

“I want you to fuck me, Kylo Ren,” she asserts, forcing her voice to be strong despite the way every other part of her is shaking. “I want you to put your cock in me, fuck me into oblivion, and knot me until I scream.”

The appendage in question gives a bob of acknowledgment at its title and Kylo groans. “Fuck,” he says, voice wrecked. “You’ve got it, baby.”

He brings the packet to his lips to tear it open, but Rey reaches forward and snatches the condom from his hands. He opens his mouth, likely to protest out of fear she’s going to attempt to make him go without, and it falls open even lower when he realizes what she’s doing instead. Rey places the foil between her own teeth, twisting the packet to help tear the package free. Sliding the thin piece of rubber out of the foil, she tosses the wrapper aside to fall with the rest of their discarded coverings.

“I want to touch you,” she says, surprised at how low and demanding her voice is. Kylo’s hiss of approval has that fuzziness pushing in further, blurring lines of rational thought and dignity into a haze of need. She reaches forward to take him in her hand, fingers gentle and teasing as she lets her thumb brush against the bead of fluid leaking from the head. Kylo makes a choked sound as she allows her hand to feel him for a few more breaths, enjoying that feeling of silk stretched over steel. And then, as her desperation to explore him in other ways begins to take hold, she brings the disk of rubber to his head.

It’s frustrated Rey before how some people try to forego condoms in attempts to not break the mood. Or worse yet, fumble through the process in a way that  _ does _ break the mood. In her mind, there’s no reason it shouldn’t be as sensual as every other part of fucking. She gives the tip of his cock another smooth swipe of her thumb before placing the condom on the tip. Using one hand, she gives it a gentle pinch creating a small pocket on top, then slowly rolls the condom down his length. She takes her time, lightly touching the pulsing veins and reddening skin as she feels his breath on her cheek grow heavier and faster.

It’s at the moment she reaches the base of him, just above where the beginning of his knot is starting to bloom, in which he seizes control again. He grabs her knees and lifts them roughly, sending her back against the table and her ass to the edge. He steps forward, and she can feel the tip of him sliding between her folds now. That first taste of contact has her whimpering, and she props herself up on her elbows to see him staring at her face with a ravenous expression.

“One more time, baby,” Kylo demands. “Tell me what you want.”

“You,” she proclaims, shifting her hips in a bid for more pressure. Her clit is pulsing now, urging her on as everything else clenches against the unbearable emptiness.

“What about me?” he asks innocently, pressing against her again. When Rey only moans in response, his next phrase has the bite of a command. “Use your words, Rey.”

He’s going to kill her like this. And she’d die a strange mix of happy and unsatisfied. The haze has now fully settled around her, her mind finding a place of complete tranquility that it sinks into. There’s no guessing with him, no wondering what to do or say. It’s a mindless sort of beautiful that brings a kind of strange peace she’d never known she needed.

“Your cock,” she huffs, raising her eyes from his enchanting chest to meet his burning gaze. “I want you to fuck me with your cock and knot me while I come.”

He doesn’t answer her with words. Instead, he bites his lip as his eyes flash, his hand moving to grip his cock. He positions it squarely at her entrance, slowly allowing it to enter her just a fraction. She lets out a sob of a noise, wiggling her hips insistently. The pressure of him is just a taste of what she’s frantic for, and her body moves to get a taste of more. She succeeds in claiming just a bit more of him before he lowers his body slightly to press his forearm against her hips to hold her still. Taking advantage of the released leg, she wraps it around his lower back and pulls in an attempt to get him deeper.

“Rey,” he snaps, attempting to gain her attention. But she ignores him. The need is right there, and he’s so close. If she’d thought she needed him before, her body will surely perish if she doesn’t get more of him now.

“ _ Omega. _ ”

The word penetrates the deepest part of her in a way her earthly name never would. She freezes, panting as her body acknowledges him.  _ Alpha, Alpha, Alpha. _ He calls to her with his words, and she’s perched to listen.

“You will settle,” he says, his voice soothing and firm. “Let me take care of you, little one.”,

The smallest corner of her brain, the one still holding that spark of fire, tries to rebel. It pushes and shoves and claws at the fog that surrounds her. She’d vowed to never let another person control her body ever again. But the part of her that’s in control now reaches out and soothes that angry sprite, allowing it to feel the comfort the fog brings. Kylo has done nothing but serve her needs since he placed his hands on her. Every primal instinct tells her this is a soul she can trust, if only for this small moment in time.

And so, she settles as he demands. She can  _ feel _ the approval radiating off of him. His lips curl into a half-smirk at one corner, and he lifts off her slightly until just one massive palm is pressed over her pelvis now. And when he’s sure she’s in control of herself again, he moves—just a little each second, letting her feel the sensation of him slowly filling her. There’s a slight bite of discomfort as he stretches her, his girth something she has to acclimate to. It’s surprising how the pain twists into something like a strange sort of pleasure. Her slick comes faster now, trying to help ease the way for him. And when he’s finally fully seated inside her, Rey’s mind goes to complete static.

She wonders if it’s like this with every alpha, or if Kylo is something special. And if that’s the case, is it that he’s special to her? Or has every woman who’s been with him felt this sort of exquisite burn? The thought makes a sticky, harsh sensation twist inside of her.

_ Mine _ .

If she’d had a more level head on her, Rey would have started sobbing and running away at the thought. But it grows like a weed in her mind, vines twisting and climbing until it’s so deeply rooted in her that there’s no pulling it out. Everything narrows to a tunnel that only sees him at the end of it, and it makes her hips roll against him.

_ Mine, mine, mine. _

Kylo pulls back slowly, and her body jerks at the loss before he pushes back in again, faster this time than before. The burn is still there, but it’s less this time. The next time, even less. As his pace increases, he pushes down on her body with his palm, and the pressure ratches her up a few more pegs. He drops her other knee now, grabbing to hold her hip so he can pull her more firmly into him. Rey takes the opportunity to wrap the second leg around him, heels digging into his back. And when he bends over to press his lips against hers, she raises her hands to his back.

It’s a whole new sort of pleasure, feeling his body move over hers. The muscles in his back are hard as they flex with each thrust, his shoulders hard and bulging as they help his arms support his weight. The weight feels heavenly against Rey, and when he breaks the kiss to move along her neck—biting and kissing as he goes—she lets her nails rake along the muscles there. He purrs as her nails dig into him, and his bites grow insistent enough that she’s sure there will be marks on her for weeks.

Suddenly, a new noise breaks through Rey’s fog. Actually, there are several voices. And someone is shouting now. They sound furious, and after a moment, she realizes they’re yelling for the alpha currently rutting into her with a fierce abandon.

“Kylo!” yells a familiar voice. “Are you fucking kidding me? Just because we’re betas doesn’t mean we can’t smell the fact you’re fucking someone.”

It’s Poe. Which means the other voices are likely Hux and Phasma. And if they’re boarding, it means the rest of the crew likely will be too. It should horrify Rey, but if anything, she grows furious. Her legs tighten around Kylo, fearful he’s going to withdraw now that his friends have arrived.

Instead, he only lets out a ferocious growl, and he lifts himself up, both hands now gripping her hips in vice grips as he snaps her against him even more frantically than before.

“Ignore them,” he commands. “I’m not stopping.”

“Please,” Rey cries, tears forming in her eyes. Even though he’s just told her he won’t, the idea of him stopping now makes her reach up and grab at his upper arms. She slides her hands around them, holding fast. “Please don’t stop.”

Kylo’s eyes grow soft for a moment, and he brings his forehead down to lay against hers for just a moment as he allows his thrusts to slow momentarily. “I would fuck you through the burning of the world,” he vows.

The words rush straight to her cunt and Rey clenches against him in acknowledgment. The tenderness stays in his eyes, but a fire burns there as well too.

They call for Kylo again, and this time Poe’s voice sounds close enough to be right outside the door.

“Kylo, I swear to god. The lounge? Really? Are you that pissed that she rejected you?”

“Fuck off, Dameron,” Kylo roars. He gives Rey a quick look that seems as though he’s quite pleased with himself. Because Poe is wrong. Rey didn’t reject him. At least...not the second time.

To Rey’s shock, the door slides open. Poe’s head pops inside, and his expression is a mix of annoyed and resigned.

“We need to get moving to the hotel, are you almost-”

And then he stops. His voice freezes as he processes the face of the person Kylo is thrusting into. He recognizes Rey, and it’s only now that horror seeps into his expression.

“Get off of her, Kylo,” Poe roars, shoving the door open. “You  _ idiot _ .”

The fear in Poe’s voice is a clear indication that Poe drastically has misinterpreted the situation. He obviously believes that Kylo has somehow managed to force himself on an unwilling omega, and a sick part of Rey wonders if this has happened before. Has Kylo had other omegas and were they less willing than her? But Poe seems suitably shocked, so perhaps maybe not.

“Get out of here, Poe,” Kylo yells, hips stilling as his expression goes vengeful. “You’ve got this all wrong, and I’m going to kill you if you don’t stop fucking  _ looking at her. _ ”

Poe is staring at her, eyes skimming over her as he looks for signs of injury. He makes to grab Kylo’s shoulder, and Rey knows that this will only end in bloodshed if he manages to make contact.

“Poe,” she snarls just before his hand meets Kylo. “Fuck. Off. And you,” she adds, shifting her glare at Kylo. “If you don’t start moving, I’m going to start screaming in a way that will  _ really _ give him a reason to think something is wrong.”

Poe starts to protest, but Kylo cuts him off. “You heard her. Get out.” His hips begin to move just the smallest bit, and Rey nearly chokes in relief as her eyes fall closed again. “Just tell the driver to head to the hotel.”

Poe snaps a reply in low tones that Rey misses before he stomps from the room, the door sliding shut behind him. There’s a soft sound of conversations behind the door, but she misses those too as Kylo’s thrusts grow sharper and more profound. He’s more forceful now as if her verbal confirmation to Poe is the reassurance he needed. His eyes are wild now, and he bends to bite at her again. At her collar bone, the swells of her breast, her chin, any bare piece of skin he can get his mouth. It’s as if he’s desperate to mark her, to mark his claim viciously, and leave it unquestionable as to whether or not she belongs to someone.

“My sweet little omega,” he croons, one hand shifting to rest on her pelvis again. His hand drops lower, and his thumb brushes circles against her clit. He brings the other under her to adjust her hips to a new angle. She lets out a cry as the shift brings the head of his cock against that spot on the front of her walls each time he plunges in. Combined with the stimulation of his thumb, Rey is dangling on the edge of orgasm.

“You wanted me, didn’t you, omega?” His tone is overwrought now, stripped bare. “You needed me as much as I needed you.”

“Yes,” she gasps, body trembling. She’s close now, and each word that spills from her alpha’s mouth inches her closer and closer. “Kylo.”

His movements hesitate for a moment, and Rey can feel him weighing something in his mind. She opens her eyes to find him staring at her with a warring expression on his face. Her instinctual fear rises as she senses his uncertainty, and then the words come that knock her senseless for a moment.

“Call me Ben.”

Her eyes widen. “What?”

“Ben,” he says, snapping his hips to hers again. “Kylo is just a stage name. My name is Ben. Call me Ben.”

She lets the name roll through her mind for a moment, measuring it against Kylo. Ben. It’s reliable and sturdy, and it surprisingly fits him. While Kylo was a harsh and brutish thing, Ben is the controlled, dominating man who stood before her.

“Ben.” She lets the word roll slowly off her tongue, tasting it for the first time. Ben’s grip tightens on her as he snaps forward again, and when she says it the second time, it comes off like more of a prayer. “ _ Ben. _ ”

“Rey,” he moans in confirmation, and suddenly he pulls away from her. Rey cries out at the loss of him, then yelps as he picks her up. He doesn’t discard her but instead flips her over, so her breasts are pressed against the table. Ben growls as she instinctively cants her hips, propositioning him unnecessarily. His hands are immediately on her again as he shoves himself back in, one tugging at her hip while one snakes back around to her clit.

“I’d imagined taking you like this,” he groans. “Imagined you spread out before me, ready to take your alpha properly.”

His thumb presses harder against her, and any ground she lost in the climb to her orgasm is quickly regained. The knot at the base of him has begun to swell, and each thrust has it dragging through her. She’s panting with him, fists clenched as she prepares herself for the orgasm she knows is going to be devastating.

And when that knot finally locks inside her, she screams as the dam finally breaks. Her body flutters around it, and her body shakes as every part of her is ignited. She hears Ben grunt above her as he joins her, and the sound has her body leaping backward for the peak again. The sensation seems to last longer than ever before, and the haze has turned to a full-on blackout. She can hear herself pleading for something, anything to ground her. Eventually, she can’t even feel the individual parts of her that encompass who she is anymore. She’s just a wash of sensation and a biological need that’s ripping through her. She’s babbling and gasping and then...a moment of completion. A warmth that spreads through her until she’s floating on a cloud. She knows he picks her up at some point, his knot locking them together for the time being. But she’s gone, in a land of dazed contentment that annihilates every part of who she is. Until only one word makes up her entire vocabulary.

_ Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben…. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Tumblr as simplyabbeycat, come say hi!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all!
> 
> This chapter was a struggle for me when I wrote it. I have been through this thing over and over again, and I'm still mildly annoyed by it. I hope everything comes across the way I've planned it too. I'd really appreciate feedback on this one if you have the time. Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to come interact with me on Tumblr (www.tumblr.com/blog/simplyabbeycat). I love answering questions and just gushing about Reylo together. It's truly one of my favorite things to talk about! I also try to make sure I get to every comment as well!
> 
> TRIGGERS: I'm probably being a bit overdone here. There's a very, very vaguely implied non-con, which isn't even true. But if you aren't able to handle it, I'll put a brief description in the end comments so you'll know what happened!

[ ](https://imgur.com/IssEikB)

Song Inspiration: "Hurricane" by I Prevail

Rey forces herself  _ not _ to touch it again. It’s become a nervous habit over the last few months, and she doesn’t need to send her mind to that place right now. Because she needs to focus on the words that Amilyn is projecting across the small conference space, and if she misses anything in her notes, it will only reinforce the idea that’s already swirling around the office.

Rey Niima is not okay.

And she hasn’t been okay since the car drove away from the man that destroyed her life.

The check is, surprisingly, still sitting in her bag. She drives past the bank every day, and for months she’s neglected to cash it. And while she knows it serves a valuable purpose, one that would set her free, there’s a particular sort of filthiness to accepting it that she won’t abide by. Letting him fuck her five ways from Friday? Sure, that’s a kind of filthy she can live with. Taking his money? No.

Even if this is his  _ bloody _ fault.

It’s a testament to Rey’s professionalism that she doesn’t sway one bit in the meeting while thinking these dark thoughts. She’s had plenty of practice, after all. But Finn has known her too long to miss the cloud that hangs over her today, and he grabs her arm and pulls her aside before she can dart off to her office like she does every time it seems like he’s about to corner her.

“You can’t keep doing this, Rey,” he chides as he pulls her into an empty storage room. “You need to take time off and get it done.”

Rey huffs, ripping her arm from his grip as she challenges him. “Leave it alone, Finn. I’ll take care of it when I’m ready.”

“You should have done it the first  _ fucking _ day,” he retorts back, his voice going low. “He had no right, and he owned up to it when he gave you that money. If you wait much longer, they’re not going to do it.”

A deep sense of despair washes over her. Finn’s words force her to confront something that she’s been studiously ignoring, something that would destroy everything. And yet….

“I can’t,” she admits, her voice small and broken. Wrapping her arms around herself, Rey feels the cold start to race over her skin at the thought. “I tried Finn. I made an appointment. I went to the bank before it to cash the check and...I couldn’t do it.”

He stares at her, eyes wide with shock as he absorbs her words. And when he finally does speak, his voice is low and soothing, as if he’s trying to coax a feral kitten into his arms. “Rey...you need to tell me what happened that night.”

“You know everything there is to tell,” she snits. “I fucked Kylo on the bus until I was blissed out of my mind, and he took me back to the hotel to sleep it off.”

She doesn’t speak his real name, which still echoes like a drumbeat in her own heart. While there hadn’t been much time or opportunity for conversation, something in Rey tells her that revealing his true name to her was an intimate moment.

“Which you don’t remember.” The words burn against her, and Rey turns her head away sharply as if they’d been a physical blow against her. “Peanut, he probably drugged you.”

“We’ve been over this,” she says, shoulders drooping. “It was the omega space. I slipped right into it, especially after-”

“After he fucking mated you against your will.”

_ The first thing Rey is aware of is the smell of Ben. Her Alpha is so warm and richly scented in a way that makes her want to burrow into the sheets and live off her olfactory system alone. It would surely be enough to sustain her for the rest of her life, just the glory of the smell of him. _

_ The next thing she’s aware of is how utterly ridiculous that sounds. _

_ The third thing she’s aware of is the arm around her tightening, pulling her back flush against a warm mass of man that’s growling against the sore skin at the back of her neck. _

_ “Good morning, my omega.” _

_ Rey flies up, the sheet pooling around her waist. The chilled air hitting her skin assures her that she is, indeed, naked. And based on the soft feel of his skin against hers, he is too. Bits and pieces from the evening come back in waves, and Rey’s breath begins to come in ragged puffs as he reaches up to place a gentle kiss on her skin. _

_ More specifically, her mating gland. And when Ben does, a sharp sting goes through her riding the waves of euphoria. Rey lets out a hiss, and she can  _ **_feel_ ** _ the wave of apology radiating off of him before he says it. _

_ “I’m sorry,” he says softly, although his tone carries a bit of smugness. “I might have been a bit overzealous. It’s definitely going to leave a very pretty scar.” _

_ He raises a hand to brush down the exposed column of her neck, his touch languid and relaxed. Meanwhile, everything in her stiffens in absolute horror. Did he...did he  _ **_mate_ ** _ her? Her hand flies to her mating gland, which is usually flat and dormant when a particular alpha isn’t around. She remembers everything inch of her skin had been inflamed, and all her glands had felt like fire. It had been an unusual sensation, but nothing compares to this. _

_ The mating gland is still swollen, the small pocket of fluid burst, and she can feel the curved line of where his teeth had sunken in, breaking the barrier in an act so intimate it is something cherished beyond all other earthly bonds humans try to create. It created a bridge between minds, merging them so completely until souls intertwined. _

_ Which would explain why she can feel his emotions bubbling along the surface of her own mind. But if she can feel him, surely he can feel the panic and rising fury in her. So why is he still touching her so tenderly? Does he not care that he had ripped away from her something she’d  _ **_never_ ** _ had any intention to forfeit? _

_ “You were sunk down so deeply into your omega space after that,” he explains, fingers trailing further down her arm. “You were so beautiful, so perfect. Rey, I’ve never seen anything more spectacular.” _

_ She whips her head around, eyes wide and horrified. His own are soft and glowing with an ember of contentment that she envies. She almost feels terrible when she sees them shift to an alarm that now matches her own. _

_ “We didn’t fuck again,” he says in a rush. “We never talked about that, and I didn’t expect you to...go there. Don’t get me wrong, you were every wet dream I’d ever had. But I wouldn’t do that. Not without you telling me to. Plus,” he adds with a cheeky grin, “You were pretty exhausted.” _

_ “The bite,” Rey gasps, voice raw and broken. “When...when did that happen?” _

_ Ben’s face drops. A sensation like dread eases over her now, the emotion foreign and somehow carrying a taste that tells her it’s not her own. It’s like the warm tang of molasses oozes over her as he processes her words. And when he speaks again, the dejected agony nearly wrecks her. _

_ “You... don’t remember?” _

_ “No, Ben,” she admits, curling her body to face him fully and somehow managing to put a bit more distance between them. “I don’t.” _

_ “You asked me to.” He shakes his head, refusal written over every part of him as he rejects the reality being laid out before him. “On the bus, in the end...you were begging me to.” _

_ “And you  _ **_believed_ ** _ me?” she asks with a yelp. Fury rises in her now, flooding through her until it reaches the hands she now had clenched in fists. They shake in her lap as she looks at him with incredulity. “You thought the omega screaming on her one-night-stand alpha’s knot actually wanted to be mated?” _

_ Ben is turning green, and Rey hates that she starts to feel bad for him. He’s clearly been entirely caught off guard, and it becomes clear to her that he really did believe that. He thought that she wanted to be mated to him, tied together for all eternity. And she can’t wrap her mind around it. What sort of man  _ **_is_ ** _ this? _

_ “I did,” he snarls, his own anger rising now too. Rey feels betrayal, fury, and...disappointment? Heartache? The last emotion is harder to place. “Clearly, I was wrong.” _

_ “You absolutely were,” Rey says, tears leaking out of her eyes. “I never...I would  _ **_never_ ** _ ….” She gathers herself, taking a breath to steady her emotions. She’s proud of herself when the next words come without the hysteria she feels. “Ben. I have no desire to have a mate. Ever.” _

_ The words shake him, and he leans away as if separating himself physically from her words will soften the blow. Yes, she’d been wrong about that last emotion. She feels it more acutely now. It’s devastation. Ben...Ben had wanted this. And Rey feels the tearing sensation radiating from her sore mating gland through her heart before it wraps itself around her lungs to squeeze every last drop of air from her. _

_ And then... it’s gone. All the emotions radiating off Ben disappear, as though someone abruptly turned off the faucet to cease the flow of them over her. She can barely mourn their loss because, in their absence, she can feel her own more clearly. Confusion and pain and her own brand of disappointment. Because she’d thought she could trust Ben, but he’d been like every other person she’d been forced to allow to have control over her. Taking things they had no right to, and giving nothing in return. _

_ He snarls suddenly, then turns away to place his feet on the floor. He doesn’t bother to grab a sheet to cover himself, and Rey is treated to the sight of his bare back and ass as he walks away. She’s surprised that, for all the ink everywhere else, his back is nearly bare. Well, sort of. Until last night. Now, his back is a mess of scratches, some of them so deep she can see where her nails had broken his skin. Tracks of dried blood trace downward and a sick sort of feeling settles in Rey’s throat. She’d marked him, and she remembers the feeling of shredding him with her own hands being an exhilarating complement to the way he’d handled her. _

_ If that was what his back looked like, what sort of damage had she done to  _ **_his_ ** _ mating gland? She can’t see it with his black hair covering it, and suddenly Rey wants to demand that he move it aside. A primal part of her wants to witness it. It wants her to process with her own eyes the claim she’d made on him, and revel in it. _

_ She squashes it like a bug. _

_ Ben doesn’t say a word when he bends to a large suitcase situated on the other side of the room, snatching up clothing before disappearing to the bathroom. Rey hears a crash followed by a terrible curse, which makes her flinch. It’s quiet so long afterward that she contemplates going to check on him until she hears the sound of running water break through the space between them. And the entire time he showers, Rey just sits there on the bed in a soppy mess. She feels like a mass of emotional wounds, all of the oozing and gushing with feelings she doesn’t know how to process. They all move in contrary patterns. Anger and relief, resentment and pity, longing and rejection. And she doesn’t know what to do with the fact that something that’s been tugging and pulling at her gently her entire life is now strung so tight it feels like it will burst. _

_ She’s still sitting there when he comes out of the bathroom, wearing the clothes he’d grabbed with a towel wrapped around his head. His face is expressionless as he watches her, and she feels just a brushing of sorrow against her before the flow is snapped tight again. He sighs and turns away, still rubbing a towel against his head to coax away the water clinging to his strands. And that’s when Rey finally sees it. His mating gland. _

_ And there’s not a single scratch on it. _

“That’s a crude way of putting that, and you know it, Finn Boyega.” Rey’s aware that he’s lashing out at him now, and that her anger is drastically misplaced. But she can’t help the boiling over of every fear, every moment of confusion, of loss...because she does feel a loss. It’s something she’s been working through with her therapist, but it’s still something Rey hasn’t been able to place. She’d never intended to find a mate and never designed to give away her freedom. And Ben had given her the money to have the mating bond reversed, so there was no harm done really. It wasn’t like he’d taken away an experience she’d hoped to have someday with someone else.

So why does it feel like something inside her is breaking?

Taking a deep breath, Rey looks down at her hands. She’s twisting her fingers together, pulling at each one until it makes a satisfying  _ pop _ sound. She closes her eyes and starts again. “Finn, I know this is hard for you to understand. But...I asked him to. At the moment, with all the pheromones and sensations and...look, some things happened that quite frankly I’m just too embarrassed to tell you about. But he made me feel  _ good _ , Finn. Better than anyone ever has. And I remember babbling at the end, talking nonsense, I honestly don’t even remember what I said. But then, something happened, and it was as if some sort of floodgate opened, and everything felt the most perfect and settled it ever has. Like some missing puzzle piece was put in. And...I think that was him biting me.”

The words come out in a rush, and when she takes a breath to look back up at Finn, she sees him staring at her curiously. As if she’s just informed him that she has a unicorn in her backyard that a leprechaun dropped off at the end of the rainbow. It’s a testament to their friendship that he just listens calmly now and spurs her on.

“I just...it’s hard to explain, Finn. I know it’s all biology, but I’m all twisted up inside. And we left things so quickly, I didn’t even try to talk to him about it. And he was so  _ upset _ , and I couldn’t stand there with him one moment more. So when the car showed up, I left. And I didn’t look back.”

Finn doesn’t say anything for a while, and Rey can see he’s processing what she’s just said. She hopes he figures it out soon so he can explain it to her. She’s been putting off so long having this conversation with him, sure all the sensation will go away as Ben’s attachment to her grows weak. Once she’d recovered from the emotional trauma, she'd get the procedure done and then tell Finn all the gory details. But now it’s all come spilling over, and she finds she understands less now than she did before.

“Rey,” he says, reaching out to place a tender hand on her shoulder. “Please tell me you’ve been talking with Dr. Kanata about what happened. Because this sounds like a royal shit show.”

Rey nods. “I have. Ever since it happened. It’s sort of a spin on an old conversation. The childhood trauma of my parents abandoning me at a police station has led to an inability to make meaningful emotional connections as an adult. She thinks this is another manifestation of that.”

Rey prays he doesn’t ask. That he’ll let the explanation go. But he’s too smart, and he knows too well how Dr. Kanata works. Because Finn is the singular person in her life that Rey has chosen to build a relationship with, he’s sat in on a few sessions with Dr. Kanata. Rey had hesitated initially, fearful that Finn would leave when her baggage was laid in front of him in its entirety. But it had been a significant milestone, and eventually, he became involved with some of Rey’s assignments.

Which means he knows Dr. Kanata would have made a request of Rey.

“And what did she suggest you try to do to address that?”

Bastard.

“Don’t throw that shit in my face,” Rey seethed. “Coming to a few sessions doesn’t make you my second shrink.”

“Bullshit,” Finn throws back. “Don’t try to back out of a confrontational conversation about your feelings, Rey. I see through it, and I’m not going to let you do it. So tell me. What does she want you to do?”

Rey throws her hands up, exasperated. She considers stomping away in a tantrum, but she knows it will only temporarily derail the conversation. Finn’s well aware of her tactics, and he’s a professional at keeping her honest.

“She wanted me to write him a letter.”

Finn cocks his head to the side as he considers her answer. “A letter?”

“Yeah,” Rey says with a shrug of the shoulder. “Not to send, but just to see what comes out on the paper. She thinks if I just write while I think about my feelings, I’ll find some clarity.”

“Have you done it?”

Rey flinches, knowing her answer won’t make the situation any better. “No, but not because I don’t want to!” She adds the last bit as she sees his mouth open to reprimand her. “It’s just...Finn, I don’t want to talk  _ at _ him. I want to talk  _ with _ him. This isn’t a one-way conversation. I have questions and...I want to see his face when he gives me an answer.”

“So, you want to see him again?”

“No!” The word is instantaneous, but it feels wrong the instant it leaves her mouth. “Yes? Maybe? I’m not sure. I think so, but I also feel like things are just going to get more messed up if I do.”

_ When Rey emerges from the bathroom after showering herself, she sees Ben sitting in one of the standard hotel armchairs by the window. He’s staring out the window, his phone swinging between his thumb and forefinger as he absentmindedly sends it spinning in circles. When he hears her come out, he sighs, then turns to face her. His face traces her body, taking in the sight of her in his clothes. He’d left a shirt and a pair of drawstring gym shorts in the bathroom for her, and she’d been relieved to have something other than yesterday’s work attire to wear. Now, seeing the pained expression on his face, she thinks she should have put the dirty clothes back on. _

_ “I ordered you a car,” he says, voice low and emotionless. “It should be here any second.” _

_ “Thank you,” she says softly, reaching up to run a hand through her damp hair. “I could have ordered one for myself, though. Do you have a Venmo? I can pay you back.” _

_ He flinches at her words, turning his head to face the window again. “That won’t be necessary.” _

_ Shaking her head, Rey throws the sack with her clothes on the bed and strides over to him. She’s struck again by how tall he is, his face at her chest as she crosses her arms to stare down at him. He doesn’t acknowledge her, still staring at the window where the parking lot holds the three buses belonging to their group. She can see them adjusting things in the lower cargo bay and people filing in and out, and it occurs to her that they’re leaving shortly too. That  _ **_he’s_ ** _ going. And she’ll be left behind with a horrible mess to manage. _

_ “Why didn’t I bite you?” she asks, the words bubbling over her lips without warning. “What happened?” _

_ Ben closes his eyes, expression pained. “You...look, Rey. I don’t have much experience with omegas. Honestly, I’ve steered clear of them most of my life. You’re all supposed to be a lot more trouble than you’re worth.” He says the last bit with a dry laugh, but Rey can tell he doesn’t mean it cruel. Honestly, alphas are more trouble than they’re worth too. “But I know what omega space is, what it can look like. And you slipped right into it when I bit you. And you clearly didn’t know what was happening, you were so blissed out. I was a cocky asshole, feeling pretty proud of myself. But I’m not a brute. I dressed you up while you dozed, and I carried you into the hotel. When we got to the room, you were...pretty insistent. But I was able to get you to sleep, and I figured in the morning when you were more settled we would talk more and you’d-” _

_ He chokes off on the last bit, the words seemingly tangling in his throat. But Rey knows what he’d wanted to say.  _ **_And you’d bite me too._ **

_ “So...we didn’t have sex again?” _

_ “No,” he shakes his head vehemently, finally turning to face her. There’s anger there in his expression, and she can tell he’s offended by the question. “Like I said, I don’t have a lot of personal experience with omegas. But I knew you had no idea what was going on, and it’s not supposed to be like that.  _ **_I_ ** _ didn’t want to be like that.” _

_ “So why was I naked?” _

_ Ben blushes now as his eyebrows come together in frustration, and Rey feels a strange sort of tug in her chest. “I’m aware that I drastically miscalculated the situation. But, I thought something was happening. And...I wanted to feel your skin on mine while we slept.” _

_ The words rock Rey. She can feel her mouth drop open a little bit, and words fail her. Her mind goes completely blank, and she can only sense a strange sort of warmth in the back of her head, a strangely comforting and yet broken kind of sensation that makes her want to rip the hair from her skull in frustration. Everything feels so contradictory right now that she wants to peel the skin from her bones to rid herself of it all. _

_ She realizes now that she hasn’t felt a single emotion from him since he’d gone to the bathroom. A wall seems to have erected between them, shutting every down tight. Had it only been her imagination? Or had something changed? _

_ A ping sound comes from Ben’s phone, and he glances down to look at the screen. He reads the message there and gives a sigh before placing it in his pocket. _

_ “The car is here.” _

_ Rey still can’t think of anything to say, so she turns away like a coward and grabs the plastic bag off the bed again, keenly aware of the pitiful sight she’ll make to anyone who sees her. She heads to the door, surprised to hear footsteps behind her. She turns around to see Ben following her, avoiding her eyes as he strides past her out the room. _

_ “I’ll walk you down.” _

_ The elevator ride is painfully quiet, each of them on opposite sides of the elevator. They’re making pointed efforts not to look at each other. And every floor they climb down, Rey’s stomach slides further into her throat. They’ve established that Rey had no intention of being mated, and Ben had  _ **_wanted_ ** _ her to reciprocate the bond. Which she also has no plan of happening. So he’s shipping her off back home to deal with the mess of a mating bite the sad omega never wanted while he goes into the world unscarred and still whole. She can’t even begin to fathom what her life will be like now. She knows some procedures can be done to reverse a mating as long as only one partner was marked. But the process is expensive, and Rey doesn’t have a lot of spare cash left over once her bills are paid. _

_ The dinging of the elevator momentarily brings her out of her thoughts, and she looks up to see Ben waiting for her to step forward first. He holds a hand over the doors to keep them open, and Rey attempts to breeze past him while holding her breath to avoid getting a more potent whiff of him. The smell of him is still intoxicating, but he’s evidently been keeping up on his blockers today because it’s manageable for her as long as she doesn’t get too close. _

_ Once he clears the elevator, he’s easily able to pass her in long strides, leading the way across the lobby with her following dutifully behind. She can feel eyes on her, watching her walk of shame, but she ignores them. She keeps her eyes trained on Ben’s back until they’re through the doors and standing in the small semicircle driveway right in front of the doors. A sleek black car idles there for her, the driver waiting there with a polite smile on their face. _

_ “Just give them your address,” Ben says tersely, “and they’ll take you home.” _

_ Rey turns, feeling the tension radiating off of him. It feels wrong to leave him this way, but she can’t deny that her own fury makes her want to lash out one more time. The only thing stopping her is the fact that, suddenly, his face looks absolutely wrecked. _

_ He then reaches into a pocket, pulling out a small folded bit of paper. He hands it to Rey without a word, and she takes it slowly. She can tell now it’s a check, and it’s folded in half. When she unfolds it, a sharp intake of breath comes at the dollar amount written there. _

_ He’s  _ **_paid_ ** _ her for her services. _

_ “It’s not like that,” he says hastily, clearly seeing the hurt expression sliding over her face. “It’s for the de-mating procedure. I’m assuming that’s what you want.” _

_ Rey doesn’t miss the question in his tone, and she looks up to see he’s staring at her ardently now. As if he’s willing her to do something, and he knows it impossible. She refuses to imagine what it may be, merely thrusting the check back out to him. _

_ “I don’t need your money.” _

_ He shakes his head, stepping away from the offending item. “Tear it up later if you want to. But I hope you don’t. I didn’t mean to hurt you or upset you, Rey. I know you won’t believe me, but that’s not who I am.” _

_ She can feel that there are words there, gently bobbing about in front of her face if she were to only reach out and take one. But she presses them down, electing for the coward’s route instead. She doesn’t say anything at all. Instead, she turns on her heel to slide into the open car door, going so far as to slide across to the other end of the leather bench. And she doesn’t look out the window after the driver closes the door, or after she gives him her address, or as the car pulls away. _

_ She doesn’t look back at all. _

Finn sighs as Rey sulks over the memory of her parting from Ben. “This is a right mess, you know.”

Rey drops her head, putting her hands into her hair and pulling. The pinch of pain centers her, and she can feel things spinning again. Her fingers ache for her notebook, her camera, something to focus on. But the pain in her scalp serves as an anchor enough for now, and she tries not to think about the backslide that particular thought represents.

“I just need a little more time to sort this out,” Rey murmurs. “I know the simple answer is to get it done. I’ve been sitting on this over two months; if things were going to get any better, they would have by now. In all reality, it’s the one-sided bond that’s making me feel this way. He’s probably long forgotten about me by now, and I’m the idiot still standing here drowning.”

Finn opens his mouth to say something but then seems to think better of it. Instead, he reaches over and wraps his arm around Rey’s shoulder. He gives her a gentle squeeze and gives her that warm smile that is the center of every happy memory in her life.

“I’ll be right here whenever you need me,” he assures her. “You just say what you need, and I’ll do it. Ice cream and brownies, an escort to the clinic, hiding a body... I’m yours.”

For what feels like the first time in months, Rey laughs. It’s genuine, and tears start to brim in her eyes as she looks at her friend. It’s too easy sometimes to let herself forget how vital Finn is to her. As another piece of who she is, he’s so ingrained in her life that she isn’t always sure what memories are just hers and what she shares with him. And she knows what she needs to do at that moment, and it’s something she should have done in the beginning.

“If you’re willing,” she says in wobbly tones, “I think I’d like to tell you what happened. The whole story, I mean.”

He gives her a teasing sigh and a shrug. “I’m sure I can find the time for you somehow. As long as you promise to skip the gross bits. I’d rather not have to hear about those, if it’s all the same.”

Rey laughs again, and the sensation is like a cleanse to her soul. She feels lighter as she says, “Considering that’s 75% of it, I’m not sure it can be avoided.”

Finn opens the door to the storage area, bowing with a flourish as he mimes for her step ahead of him. “I’ll just have to rinse my brain in bleach then.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Summary: Rey wakes up and finds out Ben bit her mating gland. She'd asked him to in her omega space delirium, but she doesn't remember it and had NO intentions of that ever happening. Ben is mortified and hurt and sends her away with a check to get a procedure to fix it.
> 
> Rey tells Finn she'd like to see Ben again one more time to hash out what happened.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys. Your kindness in the last chapter blew me away. Thank you so much to each and every one of you who took the time to reach out!
> 
> I hope this satisfies those of you who were curious about where things would go from here. We need to get these love birds back on track! I feel like scenes with lots of dialogue are the bane of my existence, so hold on to your hats. This one was a pain in the ass to write.
> 
> TW: The moralities of the bite are mused on by Rey, and she mentions being in therapy.

[ ](https://imgur.com/WqrfxnJ)

Song Inspiration: "Hello" cover by Fame on Fire

Rey still hasn’t made the appointment almost two months later.

She tells herself she’s been busy and still has plenty of time until the one year cut off. After a year, the procedure won’t work anymore. But that’s still plenty of time left, eight whole months. Sure, she’ll have her next heat in two months. And who knows what going through a heat without your pseudo-mate is like. But she’s sure other people have endured it before. And it’s not like she’s actually going to wait two more months to do it.

Her therapist has all sorts of crazy theories on why Rey hasn’t had the mark removed before, the most disturbing being that Rey has experienced a sense of abandonment so many times in her life that she is avoiding going through it again. Fulfilled mating bonds are supposed to be unbreakable, more stalwart than any other force that pulls humans together. To think that would fail as well would be the ultimate blow to her fragile capacity for building emotional attachments.

Which is ridiculous, because Rey had never wanted it in the first place. How can you mourn something that is such a blatant violation of trust? How could she not want to annihilate something that regularly reminds her of what he stole from her?

Except, it’s nearly impossible for Rey to separate her feelings from the darkness she felt in him that day. It would be easier to be upset if she hadn’t experienced his agony, fear, and self-loathing. Somehow, it seemed like he’d genuinely believed she’d wanted it. And that he’d been happy about it. How can she resent him when she could feel how wrecked he’d been when he’d realized she didn’t want him?

He’d given her the money to break the bond. So she should do it. But why did that feel like a whole new form of betrayal, but on her part this time?

But, she can’t shake the idea that her feelings are being mutated by the nature of the bond. That she wouldn’t feel this way if it weren’t for the link between them. There’s no trusting even her own feelings when there’s another factor to consider: that this is biology, and only biology.

She’d done a bit of research on the Knights of Ren when her curiosity had finally gotten the better of her. According to Wikipedia, “Kylo” and Poe had met in college and had been the founding members. Hux and Phasma had come later, and it had been the four of them for seven years. Rey isn’t intimately familiar with the way things work in the music industry. Still, she knows enough to know the singer is usually the one the media and production companies focus on as the leader of the band. But that doesn’t seem to be the case for them. Strangely, Ben seems to be one positioned in the center of promotional photos. It shouldn’t be a surprise, seeing as the band is named after his alter ego’s name. In a magazine interview cited on the page, Poe had told the interviewer that the band name came from a joke. He’d informed them that “Kylo” writes the songs, and they just perform them how he demands. So they’d called themselves the Knights of Ren to tease him years ago, and the name had stuck.

Evidently, Ben had been a bit irritable at the sharing of that particular story.

Actually, almost everything she’s read about Kylo Ren says he’s a brilliant songwriter, but also moody and prone to angry outbursts. His alpha status comes up multiple times in different articles she finds. Sometimes they discuss it as a virtue, others as a vice.

And yet, none of it sounds like the man she met that night. Well, the tendency to get angry and throw things, sure. But every other moment she’s spent with him, he’d been firm but controlled. It made her wonder just how often he went off his blockers to have developed a reputation for being a violent alpha male.

And nowhere did she see a mention of the name he’d told her was his real one. Ben. She’d scoured the internet and found no association between Kylo Ren and the name Ben. So who was the real man? The mercurial Kylo Ren, or the mysterious Ben?

The vibrating of Rey’s phone breaks her from her melancholy thoughts, and she glances down to where it’s perched at an angle against her vanity mirror. It’s a message from Finn, checking on her ETA. Rey rolls her eyes and straightens her shoulders, swiping the mascara wand over her lashes one last time. She plops the rod back in the tube and places it in the small basket with the rest of her minuscule makeup collection. She taps out a quick message to Finn, letting him know she’s leaving momentarily. Then, she glides on a dab of lip gloss before striding to her living room. She slips the tube of gloss inside her purse along with her ID and a small roll of cash.

Tomorrow is Rey’s birthday. And so, as is tradition, she and Finn are going out for dinner. After that, they’ll meet up with some friends for drinks and dancing. This frees her up to have the entirety of her birthday to herself, which is what she ultimately wants. The celebration is for Finn, and the subsequent isolation is for her.

She’s learned from past experiences that Finn won’t let up if she tries to get out of it or minimize her participation. So, she puts in the effort she’s capable of by wearing clothing appropriate for a night out. Her jeans are tight and dark wash, her shirt dipped low in the front and in the back to show off bare skin. It’s one of the few moments she’s grateful for her small chest because it allows her to go braless with no concerns. She’d slapped a few round pasties on while getting dressed to prevent her nipples from pressing conspicuously through the fabric, and that was it. She’s been wearing her hair down religiously the last four months to hide the mating bite at the back of her neck. But considering Finn knows the whole story, she decides to wear it up tonight. Their small group of friends know just enough of the story to know the bite exists, so there’s no need to hide it from them. Plus, it gets hot dancing, and she has a secret hope that the bite mark being visible will warn off any unwanted attention from other alphas.

Rey gives one last passing thought to Ben, wondering if he knows she hasn’t cashed the check yet. If he’d wanted to reach out, he could have. He knows where she works, but he hasn’t tried to make contact with her. He’d clearly written her off in the same moment he’d written the check. And it’s probably approaching time she does the same.

Shaking her head, Rey grabs her keys and strides out her front door. Alcohol. Alcohol will help her put Ben behind her for a night. Thinking of the tasty lemon cocktail her favorite restaurant serves, Rey manages to walk out of her apartment with a small smile on her face.

\--

Finn sends her a text as she’s arriving to, yet again, get an ETA from her. Rey huffs as she strides into the restaurant, letting him know she’s just walking in and reminds him whose birthday it is. She lets the hostess know she’s there to meet a friend, giving her the name. The woman takes her to a back corner table, and Rey thanks her as her phone buzzes yet again. She glances down to see a curious message back from Finn.

“Don’t be upset with me. You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to. Either way, we’ll meet you at The Border at 10.”

Confused, Rey looks up to ask Finn what he means. Except...it’s not Finn sitting on the other side of the table.

It’s Ben.

She nearly drops her phone as shock skitters through her as she registers his presence. She can tell he’s doing his best to maintain a passive, perhaps even indifferent, expression. But she can see that, underneath what she’s sure is a carefully crafted facade, he’s nervous. He stands hastily when he sees her, and he’s just as large and intimidating as he was the last time she saw him. His black hair is tousled as if he’s been running his hands through it and his bottom lip is red and puffy as if he’s been chewing on it. He’s dressed in a simple white shirt, the sleeves stretched over his immense arms.

“You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to,” he says, echoing the message from her traitorous best friend. “But I hope you do.”

“What are you doing here?” she asks, the words coming out soft and high. “How...where’s Finn?”

“He helped me arrange this,” Ben says, moving away from his chair. He steps toward her slowly, as if he thinks moving too fast will send her scrambling for the door. And he’s probably right. “I’d be happy to explain if you’re willing to stay.”

“Stay?” It’s the only word Rey can pull from her brain and make her lips form. She’s too stunned by his unexpected appearance, and even more astonished that Finn had a hand in this. He’d been pretty adamant before about this whole situation coming to an end. So what had changed?

“Yes,” Ben soothes. He steps toward her again, and he reaches for the chair intended for her. His immediate proximity brings the intoxicating aroma of his scent, and Rey has to fight the urge to close her eyes and breathe in deeply. Four months away from him seems to only have made his smell more potent, and she feels like every breath sends her heart racing just a minute bit faster. “Stay. Please.”

Despite the social nicety of the ‘please,’ her omega side reacts to the implied command in the word ‘stay.’ Without a thought, Rey feels herself drop into the chair he’d pulled out for her. He presses against the chair gently, scooting her up to the table before moving to the other side where he returns to his own seat.

Before Rey can ask for clarification on his communication with Finn, their waitress is already there to collect their drink order. Luckily, Rey is well acquainted with the drink menu and orders the lemony drink she’d been craving earlier in the evening. It’s not until Ben orders a beer and their waitress begins to leave that she wonders if alcohol is the best idea. Ben’s scent is already mind-addling enough that adding another substance may be unwise. She calls after the waitress and orders an appetizer to go with the drinks, hoping food will help steady her.

“I’ve been trying to get in touch with you,” Ben says without preamble. Both hands are clenched in fists on the table in front of him, the inky lines on his knuckles stretched tightly over the bone. The tension makes tendons stand out beneath the tattoos that encase both of his forearms and continue up past his elbows, disappearing beneath the tightly stretched shirt. Every part of him seems to be vibrating with a restrained sort of energy, and Rey’s conscious of his eyes on her face.

But she can’t bring herself to make eye contact with him. Not yet. Instead, she reaches for her silverware and removes the paper ring holding the napkin around the utensils. She folds it into random triangle shapes as she asks, “For how long?”

“Since about two weeks after you rode away in that car, when I realized you still hadn’t cashed the check,” he answers matter of factly. “I called your work, but they wouldn’t connect me with you. They told me I was on your no call list.”

Rey’s brow crinkles in confusion. “I never put you on my no call list.”

“Yeah,” Ben says, leaning closer yet again. “I found that out a week later when I tried a different tactic. I remembered a guy named ‘Finn’ texting you when we were together about a staff review you missed. I could tell by the messages that you were friends. So I did a bit of research and found out he’s the equipment manager where you work. I called and made up a story about damage to my guitar, and they put me through to him. When I asked about you, he shut me down hard. Told me he knew exactly what I’d done, and that there was no way in hell he’d give me your number. And he made it pretty clear he’d do anything possible to keep me away from you.”

_ Finn _ . Rey doesn’t know if she wants to kiss him or strangle him. She’d spent weeks agonizing over Ben so casually tossing her aside, and how strange it had seemed after the intense way he’d acted at the hotel. Never mind that she had been the one to walk away.

“I don’t know what changed,” Ben continues, “but he called me about a month and a half ago, asking me if I still wanted to talk to you. When I told him yes, he said I should come back and talk to you face-to-face and let you decide if you wanted to give me your contact information. I had a break for a few days this week, and when I gave him the dates, he told me to come tonight.”

“I had no idea,” Rey breathes. “I just thought you’d decided to leave me behind.”

“Not in the slightest.” Ben’s voice carries not a moment of hesitation, and Rey can’t stop herself this time. Her eyes dart up to his to find him staring at her with a look so intense that she finds herself unable to look away.

When the waitress shows up with their drinks, Rey is so startled she nearly leaps out of her skin.

“Sorry,” the woman says, giving them a strange look as she tucks the tray under her arm and pulls out a pad of paper. “Are you ready for me to take your order?”

Rey can’t even stomach the idea of eating right now, the spinach artichoke dip now sitting between them likely to go untouched. “Nothing for me.”

“You need to eat.”

Surprised, Rey looks back to Ben to find his eyes still haven’t left her face. But he seems a little irritated now, leaning back to cross his arms. His eyes skim the parts of her he can see for a half a second before they’re back on her face again.

“You’re thinner than the last time I saw you,” he says pointedly, frustration evident. “You’re not taking care of yourself. Please, order something. Anything.”

Again, the ‘please’ seems like an afterthought. Rey’s chest puffs in a moment of indignation, but something in his gaze makes her stop.

“A burger, then,” she says cooly. “Medium. With fries.”

“And I’ll have the same,” Ben says, unfazed by her irritation as he hands the waitress his menu without looking at her. The waitress gives Rey a concerned look but neglects to mention anything before rushing away with their menus. She must have gleaned Ben’s souring disposition, and his next words are harsher as he says, “I’m not sorry.”

“I need you to explain this.” Rey is rapidly losing patience with the man sitting across from her. His moods are so all over the place that she’s getting whiplash. Suddenly, for the first time since the hotel room, she feels the seep of his emotions over her skin. The flicker of the incomplete mating bond allows her to pick up on them, triggered she assumes by his close proximity. And he’s shakingly, earth-shatteringly nervous. “Nothing since that morning has made any sense. Why are you here? Why do you even care?”

Ben’s eyebrows come together as he contemplates her words, taking a moment to take a bracing drink of his beer in what Rey suspects is a stalling tactic. He closes his eyes as he sets it down and takes a breath, and when he opens his eyes, Rey is startled by the darkness she sees there.

“Because of the blockers.”

Okay. That’s not at all what Rey expected him to say.

He huffs, reaching a hand up to card through his hair nervously. He stops at the ends, pulling on it for a moment as he again assesses the words he wants to speak. Rey wants to interject and encourage him to hurry the words along. But she doesn’t. Instead, she waits to see if Ben intends to elaborate.

“How much do you know about how blockers work?”

Rey tells him her understanding from her high school biology class. Blockers for alphas and suppressants for omegas both deal with hormones. While suppressants control heat cycles for omegas, blockers help with an alpha’s impulse controls. Both work to reduce the release of, and sensitivity to, pheromones. She expects Ben to nod, but instead, he shakes his head.

“I’m not talking about  _ what _ they do. I’m talking about how the blockers work.” When Rey gives him a confused stare, he elaborates. “Blockers are similar to antidepressants, and they have similar side effects. When I’m on my blockers, I’ve got a better handle on myself. But, I don’t feel like...me. I don’t feel anything with any sort of conviction at all, and it’s hard to muddle through that when I need to. Something that requires creativity, like playing the guitar or writing a song, is harder. So, I go off of them before a show, and I stay in my dressing room until the last possible second until the show starts.”

Surprised, Rey slumps back in her chair. “Well, that certainly explains the lamp incident.”

Ben has the decency to look sheepish about that. “Yeah. You were...a bit of a surprise. I can’t just take a reversal med when I want the blockers to be done, I have to let them wear off. By the time we got to your center, the blockers were starting to lose their potency. I was already pissed off about having to hand my guitar over, and I was starting to pick up on your smell once we got there. By the time I broke that lamp, they were completely out of my system.”

“Is that a common occurrence?” Rey remembers the growl preceding the smashing noise she’d heard, and tries to imagine what on earth had set him off so horribly.

“Yes,” Ben admits, taking another drink of his beer. “That particular outburst was because I left my extra guitar picks in the case of the guitar. I usually grab them and keep them in my pocket.”

Rey’s eyes widen. “Seriously? You know we could have had a runner bring them to you.”

Ben snorts. “By then, I could get small whiffs of you everywhere. I’m a grumpy bastard when the blockers wear off but smelling you put me on a whole other level. I’m not sure that Snoke’s idea would have worked based on how smelling you made me feel.”

“Snoke?” she asks, wondering how that foul man plays into the scenario at all.

“He had this idea,” Ben sighs, leaning back in his chair. “He understands why I need to be off the blockers, and he manages everything around it. It’s the main reason why we went with him when we were looking for a new manager years ago. But, it’s been getting worse lately, and he’s having a hard time sweeping it under the rug when I go all raging alpha. So he suggested I pick up an Omega to have around, that maybe it would keep me steady.”

Rey’s heart stops in her chest as she processes that particular statement. Snoke had wanted Ben to keep an Omega around to...what? Be a fuck toy to keep him happy? Had that been why he’d picked her out? Was that why he’d mated her?

“I had no intention of doing it,” Ben says hastily as he sees her fury begin to take shape. “I had absolutely zero interest in having a broad around to keep happy. Every Omega I’ve met has been unbearable, and few have even smelled remotely appealing. But when you came in and you smelled so perfect, I thought maybe there was some merit to Snoke’s idea.”

“So, what?” Rey spits, leaning forward to stare him down. Everything in her begs her to scream at him, but their close proximity to other diners has her hissing under her breath. “You decided you’d fucking bite me, and that would solve your anger issues?”

“No!” Ben denies, shaking his head vehemently. “Damn it. Look, that’s not what it was. I was so  _ drawn _ to you, and you looked so beautiful when you were pissed off at me. I could see that you knew how to handle yourself, and when we got on that bus I could tell there was something broken inside of you. Something I recognized and I….” Ben sighs, then leans forward again, so they’re staring at each other intensely across the table. “I don’t connect well with other people. I never have. How I’ve managed to be a functioning member of a group this long, I have no fucking idea. But with you, it felt like the most natural thing in the world. And, when you wouldn’t stop begging me, I thought...I thought, ‘Maybe it would be easy with her.’ And the way you were acting like you would die if I didn’t, I thought you wanted it too.”

Rey feels the moment the line in the sand gets trampled into an unrecognizable mess. This entire time, she’s placed the blame entirely on Ben’s shoulders. He’d been the one in control, the one she’d stupidly  _ given _ the power to. And he’d taken something he shouldn’t have. But if she had been asking, begging, and he didn’t understand she’d already slipped into her omega space...how much blame could really be assigned to him?

She’d gone round and round the scenario with Dr. Kanata, and neither of them had been able to come to an agreement on what had happened. The entire process had been consensual, Ben had seen to that by asking her several times through their escapade. And she hadn’t said no at the moment, so if her own regrets stained the memory was that really enough to condemn him?

“But you haven’t cashed the check,” Ben says, his face growing soft. “You were so angry with me that morning, you could barely look at me. And I’ve never felt more like a pile of trash, never felt more like a brute. I thought you’d do it the instant you could get an appointment. But the check was still there in my ledger, still unaccounted for. I got curious, and I called the clinic near you, thinking maybe they were booked up. But I—well, Armie Huxley—was able to get an appointment for the next week. So, it wasn’t that you couldn’t get it. So I’m going to need you to explain that to me.”

It’s at that precise moment that their waitress interrupts, depositing their food in front of them with a plastered on smile. She’s clearly reading the air between them, and she keeps tossing looks at Rey as if she’s waiting for a secret distress signal. Rey knows how this seems between them with his commanding tone and her animosity toward him, but she’s suddenly angry at the woman for making assumptions. So when the woman catches her eye, Rey scowls at her and tells her they have everything they need. The waitress scuttles away, and Ben chuckles under his breath.

“I’m not sure that I can explain something I don’t understand,” Rey says, reaching for a french fry absentmindedly. “I’ve been arguing with my therapist about it for four months, and we’ve made absolutely zero progress as to why I haven’t just gotten it over with.”

She expects Ben to make a comment about her therapy and braces herself for the pitying stare. For a long time, she hadn’t told anyone about it. She’d even kept it a secret from Finn for over a year, even though he’d been the one to originally insist on it. Telling him she’d taken his advice had felt like some form of defeat. But eventually, the doctor had encouraged her to start talking about it more. It feels like a triumph to say it so casually to the Alpha across from her, even if she feels nearly stripped bare.

But he doesn’t say anything about it. He merely asks, “And what were the theories?” before biting off a chunk of his burger.

“I don’t have a great track record with relationships,” Rey confesses. “I grew up in foster care, and things are always so temporary. My therapist thinks I’m trying to avoid another broken relationship, no matter how small or new it is.”

“How long have you been friends with Finn?” Ben asks suddenly, catching Rey off guard. There’s a nervousness in his eyes, and Rey’s surprised to see he’s raptly waiting for her answer. He seems uncomfortable now, realizing his hastily posed question has given him away. Rey feels a bit of unease drifting over from him, and she wonders if he’s aware that she can feel what he feels.

So, as they finish their meal, Rey tells him about how Finn had also been in foster care, and how they’d met in school. They’d become joined at the hip and grew up together, leaning on each other when things were less than stellar at home. She doesn’t miss the flash in his eyes when she tells him she entered the system at six years old, but he doesn’t stop her or ask her to elaborate. Instead, he absorbs every word she says with an expression that tells her he’s tucking it all away for later examination.

And when she’s done, he tells her the story about starting the Knights of Ren with Poe, sharing more details than she’d been able to find online. He and Poe had been with another record company before departing on unpleasant terms, with their two other bandmates staying behind. Their new record label, First Order Recordings, had helped them recruit Hux and Phasma for them. It had been rough going for several months, but they had apparently found a groove that allowed them to continue performing.

Rey doesn’t realize how smoothly the conversation had started to roll until her empty plate is being carried away by the waitress, the bill placed neatly in the empty space between them. Ben immediately reaches forward and snatches up the paper. He reviews it quickly and removes a card from his wallet, placing it on top of the bill and handing it to the waitress as Rey objects.

“I tricked you into seeing me tonight,” he says in a matter of fact tone. “And considering the need for us to talk is also my fault, it seems vital that I pay.”

Unsure of what to say, Rey settles for saying nothing at all. Instead, she sits there quietly as he signs the slip of paper returned with his card before sliding it back into his wallet and standing. Rey stands with him, curious as to what he’ll say from here. But he says nothing, merely giving her a gentle smile and nodding toward the door. Rey can feel the eyes of other diners on them, and she’s sure Ben cuts a strange figure with his tattoos and piercings next to her. Rey’s never felt more plain and bland than when she stands next to him, an average woman next to an extraordinary male.

A strange tear pricking at her eye, Rey shakes her head and pulls out her phone. She pulls up the transport app, typing in the address for the bar where she’s supposed to be meeting Finn and the rest of their friends soon. She expects Ben to be arranging his own transport, or to see a sleek black Town Car come cruising into view to whisk him away like it had her those months ago. But instead, he stands there, hands in his pockets, deep in thought as she works on her phone. He picks his head up when she puts her phone down, and he gives her another simple smile.

“I appreciate you staying,” he murmurs, reaching one hand up to rub at an elbow. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay and...explain myself again. And maybe see you just one last time.”

_ No. _

Something primal in her  _ screams _ at the finality of what he’s saying. Two times before, she’s walked away from him. Once from his dressing room, once from his hotel room. Could she survive a third time? Or will she strike out on the third time?

“Other plans tonight?” she inquires, forcing her voice to stay as neutral as possible. She must avoid revealing the part of her that is, for some godforsaken reason, having a panic attack.

Ben shrugs. “Nah, I only came in for tonight. I’ve got a flight tomorrow afternoon, so I’m heading back to the hotel. It’s only a short walk from here, so I’m going to enjoy the fresh air. I know it must not seem like it to you based on that night, but actual beds and personal space are a rare thing for me. Gotta enjoy it while I can.”

Rey’s phone buzzes in her hand, letting her know her driver is approaching. She ignores it, continuing to stare at Ben instead. She feels like this moment is slipping away, and once it’s gone, it won’t ever come back again. That will be it. Which is what she wants. She never wanted to be with anyone, has felt more secure being alone. But right now, as the white Nissan Altima pulls up to the curb, she’s never felt less secure in her entire life.

“Rey?” a female’s voice comes from the driver’s window. Rey turns to see a red-headed woman’s head through the window, looking at her with a concerned look on her face. “You called for a car, right?”

“Right,” Rey answers, her voice like sandpaper in her throat. “Right.”

“I’ll see you around, Rey,” Ben says softly, his eyes burning as he stares at her a moment longer before turning away. Rey closes her eyes, and something inside her starts to shake.

“Come with me,” Rey gasps, the words spilling over her lips without warning. She scrunches up her face in embarrassment before opening her eyes again to see him staring at her with an astonished look on his face. “I mean, I’m meeting some friends nearby for drinks. Would you like to come? I mean, if you want to. No pressure or anything.”

Ben’s amazement fades to a genuine smile of relief as he answers, “Absolutely.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew. I wanted to shake Rey so many times in the last chapter that getting her to this point was a relief. But we have a ways to go to get these broken little babies in a good place.
> 
> I'm on Tumblr as SimplyAbbeyCat, and I finally broke down and made a Twitter as @abbey_simply. Which has been dangerous because the prompts on there are DELICIOUS, and I just want to sink my teeth into them all. I'm looking for more Reylo (and Dramione!) peeps to connect with, so reach out to me on there too!
> 
> And, as always, reviews are appreciated. I am still so blown away when you guys take the time to write such interactive reviews. It always makes my day!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a short work week this week, which means my children are going to make me tear my hair out. Hats off to all of you moms who stay or work from home. I seriously could not do it, and I genuinely think you are all the most amazing saints and need endless bottles of wine. As it is, I bought five bottles today when I ran away to the grocery store.
> 
> On the plus side, getting drunk during nap time helps stoke my muse, which means I cranked out a few more chapters for this week than I normally do. I like to keep a few chapters ahead in case I change my mind about something as I go, or in case I have a bad week and don't keep up with my writing schedule. Lucky for you all, my self-medication resulted in a second update for this week.
> 
> Our broken babies get to have a little fun in this one!

[ ](https://imgur.com/C625Q6f)

Song Inspiration: "Smooth" by Santana feat. Rob Thomas

Rey should have foreseen this particular issue. But all she had been able to think about before getting in the car was that she wasn’t ready to part from Ben just yet. In that pursuit, she’s now placed herself in a small, confined space with him where the air exchange is minimal. Once the door shuts behind him, closing them in together, the rush of air carries his scent to her. She’d been able to get a hint of him across the table, but the restaurant’s airflow kept things manageable. In this space, even with the slight whiff of the driver’s alpha scent, it was impossible to ignore him now.

Ben turns to her, eyes wide with surprise as he catches Rey biting at her lip nervously. She can see his nostrils flare and his own pupils dilate a hint before he reaches down to press the window button. He drops it just an inch, but as the car begins to move, it creates a breeze that offers both some reprieve.

“Heading to The Border?” the driver asks with an oblivious smile in the rearview mirror.

“Yes,” Rey says, forcing a matching smile.

The driver clicks a few buttons on her phone mounted to the dash, then announces, “Looks like we’ve got a ten-minute drive. You guys have any music preferences?”

Ten minutes? Usually, that wouldn’t seem so bad. But tonight, shut in the backseat with Ben, it could be hours away. Why? Why had she thought this was a good idea?

The same reason she’s now miserable. Hormones.

“No,” Ben supplies when Rey awkwardly neglects to answer their driver. “Thank you.”

As the car pulls away and the sounds of Top 40 come through the speakers, Rey realizes she not only has to endure the smell of him but she also now has to help keep up a conversation with him. What had seemed so natural to her at the restaurant now seems daunting.

An idea snags her. It will only buy her a minute or two, but perhaps it will give her a chance to collect herself. Lifting her phone, she looks at Ben to find him staring at the headrest in front of him, hands clenched in fists on his legs. He’s clearly not unaffected either. A thrill goes through her at the knowledge before she raises her phone and clears her throat. When Ben turns to look at her, his expression appears pained. Giving him an apologetic smile, Rey explains, “I need to let Finn know I’m on my way.”

Ben doesn’t respond except besides with a nod, as if speaking would take too much of his concentration right now. Rey quickly dials Finn, then brings the phone to her ear. It rings so long she’s worried he won’t answer until he finally does at the last second. Music pours from her earpiece for a second until Finn’s voice comes through.

“Please don’t be mad at me, Peanut.”

Rey lets out a surprised laugh. “I’m not mad, Finn. Although, we’re going to have a discussion later about boundaries.”

Finn groans. “You’ve been moping long enough. And when you said you thought talking to him would give you closure, I figured I’d reach out and see if he still wanted to talk to you.”

“Yeah,” Rey says, tone going cold. “He told me about your little stunt, trying to keep him from reaching me.”

“I did it for you,” he says unapologetically. “You were messed up for a while, Rey. I didn’t think hearing from him would have helped.”

“You were probably right,” she admits, chancing a glance back at Ben. He’s again studiously staring at the headrest’s back, but she can tell by the tilt of his head he’s trying to listen in. “But it was good to get it all out on the table tonight.”

Finn lets out a sigh of relief. “Good. I’m glad. Now you can leave him in your past where he belongs, and we can start the forgetting process with tequila when you get here.”

“Actually,” Rey says sheepishly. “He’s...in the car with me.”

For a time, only the sound of music comes through the speaker. Rey waits for Finn’s response, knowing she’s just surprised him. But she isn’t prepared for the assumption that comes with his next statement.

“Hit the button on the app to send me your location,” he growls. “As soon as you’re here, we’ll get you out of there, and I’ll handle him.”

“No!” Rey says, shocked. “No, Finn. It’s not like that. I...invited him. I wanted him to come.”

Ben turns to stare at her now, and she gives him a nervous smile. He gives her a smile in return, and a sharp pang goes through her to see a hint of wickedness hidden in it, and to feel the trickle of emotion that comes through their one-sided bond. He’s pleased she’s admitted her desire for his company to her friend, and she finds herself with the insane need to preen in front of him.

“That’s...unexpected,” Finn says on a breath.

“Yes,” Rey agrees. “It certainly is.”

“Well,” Finn huffs. “I’m still keeping an eye on him while he’s here.”

“As you should,” Rey laughs. “We’ll be there in…” She pulls the phone away to look at the time, then places it back against her face and says, “six minutes. Where should we find you?”

Finn tells here where their table is, then warns her that the rest of their group is already talking about dancing. Rey flinches but doesn’t bother to complain. Finn knows her well enough that she’ll need plenty of alcohol in her before she can be spirited away to the dance floor. She just hopes it doesn’t take so much that she loses her head around Ben.

After saying goodbye to Finn, Rey lets her phone drop to her lap with a sigh. She looks back over to Ben, who’s watching her curiously.

“How did that go?”

Rey shrugs. “He was surprised, I think. But he didn’t say much else. They’ve got a table already.”

“Tell me about your friends,” he requests as he shifts in the seat better to face her. “Who all will I meet tonight?”

Rey grimaces. “It’s...strange. Thinking of introducing them to you. Not that I don’t want to,” she adds hastily as she sees Ben raise an eyebrow. “It’s just...strange to think of them as my friends. It’s sort of a new concept for me over the years. They’re amazing people, all of them work at the center with Finn and me. Kaydel is an assistant like me, she works for the booking department. She was the first person I got to know there beside Finn. Rose works under Finn in equipment. Rose usually heads up stage set, and she bosses the big guys around like it’s nothing. And then there’s Beau. He works in advertising.”

“What should I be expecting? What are they like?”

Rey’s eyebrow furrows as she considers that for a moment, trying to think of a way to describe her friends. “Kaydel is...interesting,” she starts. “She’s the most outgoing one. It’s like the blonde hair demands it. She’s smart, smarter than most people expect. And she shoots straight when you ask her a question. You always know what to expect with her. Rose is quiet but very sweet. If it weren’t for Finn, I think I’d call her my best friend. She used to be more outgoing a year ago, but her sister was in the military and was killed overseas. She’s been quieter since then.”

Talking about Rose sends a sharp pain through Rey’s heart. She hasn’t been the best friend to Rose since her sister passed away. Finn and Kaydel stepped into the role of comforting friends well, and Rey still doesn’t have the best skills for socializing with other humans. Crying makes her nervous, and Rose did a lot of it for a while. Rey tried being there and to explain her standoffishness, and Rose had brushed her off with a smile. It was a very typical move for Rose, trying to make Rey feel better about her shortcomings when Rose herself is in genuine pain.

“I’m sure that was hard for her,” Ben says indulgently. “And hard for you guys too. It’s not easy to know what to say or do when a friend loses someone like that.”

Rey shrugs. “Everyone else was better at it.”

She waits for Ben to request elaboration, but he doesn’t. Instead, he pushes the conversation along, which Rey is grateful for. “And what about Beau?”

“Beau is a bit of a nerd,” Rey tells him with a smirk. “Which we tease him about. You always expect advertising guys to look like something out of Mad Men. Don’t get me wrong, he’s not bad looking. But, he dresses like a slob, and he’s more likely to tell you a random fact about American history than to say anything remotely suave.”

“So, your friends are all co-workers?” He doesn’t say it to be unkind, but the question still stings.

“I don’t get a lot of opportunities to socialize outside of work.”

“So, this isn’t a normal occurrence on a Friday night?”

Rey shakes her head with a chuckle. “No, definitely not. I don’t know if you noticed, but we work in the entertainment industry. We don’t usually get weekends off.”

“I hear you,” Ben chuckles. “So, this is a special occasion?”

“Yes,” Rey answers plainly. She has absolutely no intention of telling him it’s her birthday tomorrow, hence the celebration. She’ll need to send Finn a covert message to warn him against mentioning it when they get there.

Except she doesn’t get the opportunity, because the driver suddenly pulls into a parking lot and throws the car into park rather quickly.

“You guys were good passengers,” the woman says tersely. “So don’t take this the wrong way. But get the hell out of my car. I can smell you both throwing pheromones from up here, and it’s going to make me throw up pretty soon.”

Rey’s face goes ghostly pale in horror, and Ben gives a barking laugh. Apologizing, he quickly throws open the car door and reaches in for Rey’s hand. She hesitates for a second before accepting it. He quickly pulls her from the car, so fast Rey stumbles and falls against his chest as she exits. Ben lets an arm wrap around her before throwing a $20 up to the driver and closing the door. A muffled ‘thank you’ comes through the glass before their driver zooms away.

“I was going to tip her myself on the app,” Rey informs him, the words coming out breathless as his smell completely overwhelms her while standing pressed against him.

“By all means, do,” Ben says with another laugh. “The poor woman deserves it.”

Rey blushes while Ben continues chuckling, rolling her eyes as she steps away and starts for the doors of The Border. Ben dutifully follows, a small smile still curling at the edge of his lips and mischief blazing in his eyes.

Rey hits the door first, pressing it open to be met with a swell of Latin pop music. There’s a small alcove at the front with a security man checking ids, which Rey dutifully procures. He doesn’t even bother to glance at Ben’s, waving them both off with a bored expression. Then, to her dismay, she finds a wall of people already crowded just inside. Typically, Rey and Finn come to The Border because it’s an upbeat spot without the big crowds. But, it seems tonight is the exception because this is the busiest she remembers ever seeing it.

Sensing her apprehension, Ben shuffles up behind her. “Where are your friends at?” he asks, lips nearly pressing to her ear to make himself heard over the crowd and the music.

Rey turns to reply, finding her face so close to his that she can see nearly every green and yellow fleck in his brown eyes. Her words catch in her throat, and she can feel her heart start hammering in her chest. She realizes how his eyelashes are longer than is fair, and the barbell through his brow is black today instead of silver like it had been the last time she saw him.

“Rey?” he asks, eyebrows coming together in confusion. “Did you hear me?”

_ Idiot. I’m an absolute idiot. _

“At the back,” she forces herself to say. “Southern corner.”

Nodding, Ben surprises her by taking her hand and pulling her toward the crowd. He gently tries to press in at first but is mostly ignored. And then, he growls in a deep voice, “Do you fucking mind?”

The men he’s trying to pass look at him once and away, then their eyes shoot back to him again as they take in his towering frame and the pierced eyebrow raised in a stern mode of contempt. The men offer murmured apologies and step aside, making a path. Ben gently tugs on Rey’s hand, encouraging her to trail behind him.

She can’t deny that she’s impressed watching his massive form cut through the crowd like butter now that he’s got their attention. More people quickly leap out of the way, and Rey has to keep close to Ben to avoid getting swallowed back up again as they merge around him as he passes. A strange feeling settles behind her ribcage, and the unprovoked thought of,  _ “Alpha will protect us,” _ comes bubbling to the surface.

“I think I see Finn,” Ben yells back towards her. “Black man, maybe wearing a black shirt with a bomber jacket?”

“Yes!” Rey yells back. “He wears that thing everywhere.”

Ben pulls her to the side a bit, cutting through a few more groups, and then they’re at a corner booth where Finn and Beau sit chatting loudly over the music.

“Rey!” Finn exclaims when he sees her pop from behind Ben’s massive frame. “ _ Finally _ . Do you  _ see _ this crowd?”

“It’s ridiculous,” Rey says, shaking her head. “I’ve never seen it this busy.”

“Maybe they’re here to celebrate too!” Beau says with a laugh. “After all, it is her highness we’re celebrating.”

“That’s strange,” Rey snaps, giving them both pointed looks. “I don’t recall _any_ _special occasion_ tonight.”

Finn raises an eyebrow at her and gives her a look Rey pointedly ignores. Instead, she turns to see Ben looking at her curiously. She gives him a sheepish smile, then says to Beau and Finn, “I’m so sorry. This is….”

Rey stops for a second. How is she supposed to introduce him? He’d asked her to call him Ben, but he’d never said anything about everyone else. Is he Kylo Ren to her friends, or Ben-

A horrifying realization occurs to Rey. She has  _ no idea _ what Ben’s real last name is. She’s  _ mated _ to the man—well, halfway—and she has no idea what surname he goes by. Is it Ren, or does he have an entirely different last name?

Rey’s too busy spiraling to continue the introductions, but luckily Ben has a bit more grace. Smiling casually, he reaches out to Finn first, then Beau as he elaborates, “Kylo Ren. I’m a friend of Rey’s. I hope you don’t mind me tagging along. Rey and I had dinner earlier, and she was nice enough to invite me to join you.”

“No problem at all,” says Beau, his red cheeks and glossy eyes giving away his inebriated state. “The moooore, the merrier!”

“Where are Kaydel and Rose?” Rey asks, looking around for the two females she’d expected to find with Beau and Finn.

“Drinks,” Finn says simply. “I told them you were almost here, so they went to get shots.”

“Do you mind,” Rey says slowly, staring at Finn with a look she hopes conveys her desperation, “finding them and letting them know  _ what’s going on _ ?”

“Uhm,” Finn glances over her shoulder, then looks back to her with an apologetic look on his face. “Sorry, Peanut. The jig is about to be up.”

“REY!”

The squeal is the only warning she has before a pair of tanned arms wrap around her shoulders and chest in a hug from behind. The whiff of floral perfume and the enthusiasm are all she needs to know who’s just grabbed her. “Kaydel….”

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” Kaydel screeches. “Finn said you were on your way, so we got shots!”

Flinching, Rey glances up at Ben to see him staring at her incredulously, his mouth slightly agape. “You didn’t tell me it’s your birthday,” he finally says, his voice a bit rough.

“It’s  _ not _ ,” Rey insists as she shrugs Kaydel off.

“It will be in two hours,” Kaydel practically sings. “So we’re celebrating early!”

“ _ And _ ,” Rey continues, “it’s usually something I prefer not to make a big deal of.”

Boldly, Ben reaches forward and pulls her to his chest for the second time tonight. His scent had blessedly been covered by every other smell in the bar but pressed against him... it’s unavoidable yet again. His chest is hard against her, and that neck of delectable tattoos is at her eye level. She curses herself for forgetting her desire to lick them that night and vows not to forget next time.

_ Next time? _

“You should have told me,” Ben growls as he bends to press his lips to her ear. “I would have gotten you a gift.”

“Hot,” Kaydel proclaims. “Rey, are you going to introduce us to your walking tattoo billboard?”

“Kaydel,” Rose hisses, appearing from behind Kaydel carrying a tray of shot glasses. “We’ve talked about this.”

Ben doesn’t step away from Rey. If anything, he holds her tighter against him as he offers a hand to Kaydel, then Rose. “Kylo Ren.”

Rose’s brows come together for a moment as she considers something, then understanding follows. “You’re...from the Knights of Ren.”

Ben nods. “Yeah. Rey says you work together. Did we meet the night we played?”

“No, but you still made an impression. You destroyed half your dressing room,” Rose scolds, setting the tray on the table before crossing her arms. “It took two days to fix everything. I had to redo the electrical for the dressing table.”

Ben flinches, raising a free hand to run it through his hair nervously. “I’m sorry about that. I sent a check.”

“You owe me a  _ drink _ ,” Rose says emphatically.

“Done.”

The whole time, Ben’s other arm never leaves its place wrapped around Rey, holding her tightly. His hand presses against the bare skin exposed by the deep rear plunge of her shirt. His thumb rubs lazily back and forth, and Rey is having trouble focusing on anything else.

“Enough,” Kaydel scolds, sliding into the booth beside Beau. “Time for shots!”

Rose plops in beside Kaydel, leaving two empty spaces beside Finn. He smiles at Rey, looking a bit sheepish as he searches her face. Rey decides the conversation about his manipulation can wait, and instead gives him a roll of her eyes before shimmying across the bench to sit beside him. When Ben lowers his massive form to the last remaining place, Kaydel eagerly hands out the small glass cups.

With one sniff, Rey’s stomach is already rolling. “Tequila?”

“Yes!” Kaydel says with a clap of her hands. “Your favorite.”

“I tried to tell her,” Rose says to Rey sympathetically. “But, you know how she is.”

“Hush,” Kaydel scolds. “Drinking alcohol is like riding a horse. Just because you barf it up all night doesn’t mean you should never drink it again. You have to get back on the horse.”

Beau and Finn groan while Ben chuckles next to Rey. “Don’t go out often, you say?”

Rey grimaces. “Sometimes we go a bit overboard when we do.”

Rose passes around salt and limes, and when everyone has their necessary supplies, Finn raises his shot glass towards Rey with a smile. “To Rey.”

Everyone echos him, but it’s Ben’s low voice that sends a chill down her spine. Steeling herself, Rey licks the salt off the webbing between her left pointer finger and thumb before forcing herself to slam back the alcohol. Fighting off a gag at the familiar flavor and memories it brings, she quickly shoves the meat of her lime between her teeth and bites down.

Rey glances over to Ben, surprised to see his shot is still sitting full in his hand. His eyes are locked on her face, pupils widened. He glances down at the remainder of salt on her hand, then back to her mouth.

“What?” Rey asks, cheeks growing warm.

Then, without warning, Ben reaches forward to grab her salted hand. He brings her hand to his mouth before opening it to run his tongue over the last bit of salt still left there before briefly tracing it over the still damp patch where she’d run her own tongue. Rey’s chest starts to heave as Ben raises his shot to his mouth, tipping it back effortlessly without even a hint of distaste. He doesn’t bother with the lime, leaving it untouched on the table as he continues to stare at her.

“Not fair,” Rey breathes.

“You started it with that tongue,” Ben says with a dark smile, leaning back against the booth casually as if he didn’t just create a scene in front of her friends.

“Hot,” Kaydel says again. “That was quite nice, can we get a repeat performance?”

Rose scolds Kaydel while Finn and Beau groan again. Kaydel gives Rey a wink, and Rey offers her a grateful smile. As much as Kaydel can be a lot to handle sometimes, she always knows how to diffuse an awkward situation seamlessly.

After that, the group falls into easy conversation. Beau takes a turn collecting drinks for everyone, with Rose keeping notes on her phone so everyone can Venmo each other any differences tomorrow. Finn and Ben launch into a conversation about Ben’s guitar that goes far over Rey’s head, but she honestly doesn’t mind. It’s sort of peaceful, listening to their voices carry on over her as she sips on her drink. That, combined with Ben’s hand on her denim-clad thigh, his thumb again making soothing circles, sends her into a place of numb tranquility.

“Rey?” Rose calls in a voice that tells Rey this isn’t the first time her friend has called her name.

“Sorry,” Rey says, shaking her head.

“I was just asking,” Rose laughs, “If you’re going to dance tonight?”

Rey groans at the same time Finn says emphatically, “You bet she is!”

“Excellent!” Kaydel exclaims. “Beau, are you holding down the table as usual, or shall we finish our drinks now?”

Beau shakes his head, reaching a hand down to rub at his knee with a smile. “As much fun as that looks, I’m staying here with ol’ Betsy.”

Finn rolls his eyes. “One of these days you’re going to have to do the surgery.”

“Whatever,” Beau snorts. “Are you going to go fling Rey around, or is the big one doing it tonight?”

“Depends,” Finn answers, leaning over Rey to ask Ben, “Do you dance?”

Ben looks down at Rey, who shoves Finn hard in annoyance for him leaning over her like an inanimate object. Really? For a guy who was so angry with Ben a few months ago, he sure is acting chummy with him tonight.

“I’m a musician,” Bey says, a hint of indignance in his voice. “I can keep a beat.”

“He means salsa,” Rey elaborates, crossing her arms. “And don’t let him fool you, he’s no pro himself. All the five of us know how to do is bits and pieces of what we’ve picked up here. It’s barely dancing.”

“I took lessons, actually,” Ben says. His face grows a bit dark as he adds, “My mother insisted on it.”

“I have a hard time envisioning you,” Kaydel says, gesturing to his tattoos and pierced face, “taking dancing lessons.”

“My mother was a controlling bitch,” he says with a bite. “Why do you think I turned out like this?”

“Touche,” Kaydel says with a snuff. “Does anyone else manage to fuck us up quite like our parents?”

Rey absorbs this small bit of information about him, stocking it away for future reference. Rey hasn’t given too much thought to Ben’s home life, but now she’s curious. She has a hard time imagining Ben with the type of parents who think dancing lessons are crucial for their children. A rock starts to form in her stomach as it dawns on her that they likely had two very different childhoods. And yet, clearly, they both ended the same way. As fucked up adults.

“That means you’re free to dance with me,” Rose says, sliding out of the booth. “Saves me trying to find a partner.”

“Wait a second,” Kaydel whines. “You always dance with me! Who am I supposed to dance with?”

“Stay with Beau,” Rose says, finishing off her drink in one large swallow. “Or find someone for yourself.”

“Do you want to dance with me?” Ben asks, looking down at Rey with a gentle expression that surprises her as he also vacates the booth. It’s so strange to watch him go from dark and brooding to kind and attentive so quickly. As he holds a hand to her, Rey begins to wonder which one is the real Ben, and which one is the mask.

“I don’t know if you caught that part,” Rey begins as she hesitantly places her hand in Ben’s, “but I definitely didn’t take lessons.”

Ben gives her arm a pull, bringing her to stand directly in front of him. He gently coaxes her to follow him a few steps forward as he steps backward, making room for Finn to get out of the booth. “Maybe you’ve forgotten, but I think we know how to move together just fine.”

Finn makes a sound between a gag and a cough at Ben’s words, pushing past them to Rose, who’s giving him a sympathetic expression. Rey laughs, wrinkling her nose at Finn’s retreating form. Ben gives a laugh as well, his face lighting up with a genuine joy that makes Rey’s heart thump just a bit faster. And when Ben pulls her toward the dancefloor, eyes growing dark, she feels a twist somewhere near her belly button.

Because being tangled up with Ben is how she got into this mess in the first place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget I have a Tumbler (simplyabbeycat) and Twitter (@abbey_simply) that I love to interact with you guys one!
> 
> I have a prompt I found on Twitter I haven't been able to get out of my head, so I may get side-tracked for a week or so. But, it shouldn't delay the posting of me getting a new chapter on here at least once a week. But it's possible it will fly off the rails, as these things do, so bare with me. Getting a Twitter may have proven itself to be a BAD idea...!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Give our broken babies a kiss before we dive in, things are going to take a turn in this chapter....

[ ](https://imgur.com/Xa0hUDh)

Song Inspiration: 'South of the Border' by Ed Sheeran feat. Camilla Cabello & Cardi B)

(SEEEEEEE. I listen to 'normal' music too!!!)

Also, for anyone interested, here is what the bachata dance style looks like! I don't imagine Ben and Rey being anywhere near this well-choreographed...but you'll at least get where I'm going with this!

* * *

Dancing with Ben is not at all what she’d expected.

She would have never thought Ben would know how to dance more than the jumping and bobbing around she’d seen on stage. His body is too large, and even relaxed his body radiates anxious energy. And even if she had thought he would actually dance, she _never_ would have thought he’d want to do it in public.

But as they step past the fringe of people standing on the edges swaying and watching, Ben doesn’t give her a moment to think about it. He throws her away while holding her hand before giving her a pull, sending her spinning back into him. He gives her a devilish smile, and Rey feels as though her heart is going to leap through her chest.

“Relax, Rey,” Ben admonishes as she stands stiffly in his arms. “I can lead if you can follow. We’ll figure it out.”

_We’ll figure it out._ It seems like Rey’s mantra tonight, letting things carry her where they will and her just holding on and praying it doesn’t kill her. What is it about Ben that makes her act like this? Rey values control over everything. But why does it feel so absolutely freeing to forfeit that to a man she scarcely knows?

“This is barely even music you can dance salsa to,” he says with a dry laugh, wrapping a hand around her waist and taking her hand with his other. “There’s too much pop in this for anyone to take the moves seriously.”

“Hey,” Rey says, sticking out her bottom lip in a fake pout. “I happen to like this music.”

Ben gives her a teasing raise of the eyebrows, his tone a bit condescending mixed with mirth as he says. “It will do for now.”

And then he guides her across their small little space, and Rey’s surprised at how natural it feels to dance with him. After a few clumsy foot stomping episodes, eventually her body seems to predict the moves he plans to make. Once they grow more comfortable, he breaks their groove by throwing in a few embellishments. Ben lets go of her back once in a while to send her in a spin to the side, or to wrap her around him. He twirls her outward once, making her breathless as the world blurs around her.

The tingle of alcohol bubbles in her blood, making her bold. When her body touches Ben’s again, she can’t resist sliding a leg around and up his body, and he dips her low. Her leg holds her steady, pressing her intimately against him. He runs the tip of his nose up the column of her neck before pulling her up again.

She’d never thought dancing with Ben would feel this way. She’d predicted they would make their way through one awkward song, and then she’d be running away to find Finn. And while her heart races and part of her feels a pain in her chest, she can’t tear herself away from him. She lets out a shriek as he spins her again, faster this time, and she can feel the air kissing against her bare skin. When he moves to roll her toward him again, he shifts something with their hands so that she ends up with her back pressed against him.

“I love that you wore your hair up tonight,” he murmurs with lips pressed against the curve of her neck. “I can still see my bite, and so can every other alpha here. I love knowing people think you’re mine.”

“Ben,” Rey gasps, the feel of his soft lips against her making her body clench needily.

“You’re a natural,” he growls. “But you need a teacher.”

Rey thinks he’s talking about the dancing, but something in her tells her he’s referring to something else entirely. Ben nips at her skin once before spinning her away and back again to face each other. He continues leading her through two more songs, his relaxed expression frustrating Rey when she feels like she’ll never be able to breathe properly again.

Suddenly, a song comes on that has a different sort of beat to it. Instead of upbeat and energetic, it’s more sultry and smooth. Ben’s hand moves further down her back until it’s pressed against the small dimples she has there, pressing her torso closer to his. They slow, and she can feel the rapid rise and fall of his own chest.

“Do you know much about Bachata?”

The question throws her for a moment. “Ba-what?”

Ben chuckles now. “Bachata. Can I show you?”

Rey raises an eyebrow. “It’s a dance...right?”

Ben snorts. “Yes. It’s a dance. Like salsa, but different. It’s still in 4/4 time, but it’s side to side rather than forward and back. You do three step counts to one side, and on the fourth step, you just tap your foot. Then go back the other way.”

Gently, he begins to lead her in the dance the way he describes. She stumbles a few times, but Ben’s patient until she gets her bearings. Then, as she gets more comfortable, he pulls her even closer and starts to turn them. It’s a surprisingly intimate dance with their bodies flush against each other, the moves softer and more sultry than the salsa but still with the same intensity. She finds herself relaxing as her body starts to follow the steps with less and less conscious thought from her. Ben’s answering smile to her confidence is serene, his eyes softening as he stares down at her now. Rey’s cheeks begin to flame as she feels the intensity in him, the wash of something that feels like possessiveness and a childlike longing leaking through the shaky bond between them.

Rey isn’t sure if she prefers the moments where the bond is silent or where his feelings break through. It’s strange, a sort of magic in the middle of a world that seems to lack it so superbly. Geneticists have studied it and explained the basic science of how it’s possible, but Rey still never really believed it was a thing until that day in the hotel room. They’d been so strong there, a free flow of everything he was feeling. It had felt natural and disarming all at once, like not realizing the presence of the stranger on the other side of your park bench until you thought to look up. While they clearly hadn’t been there the whole time, there’s a certain sense of expectation when you lift your head up.

Rey wonders why, at that moment in the hotel room, they were so apparent when now they only leak through at seemingly random moments. What was so different about then?

And then it dawns on her. That was the one and only time Ben genuinely believed she wanted him too. As soon as he processed her rejection, he had shut it down so completely that only the briefest glimpses appeared. So what did it mean when she could feel him more clearly in these moments?

Ben encourages her to spin in his arms as they step sideway, and his hands skim over her as she moves. When she returns to face him again, he takes her hand back in his as he breathes, “Six months.”

“What?” Rey asks, slowing slightly in confusion.

“Give me six months,” Ben repeats. “Give _us_ six months before you get it done. Let me show you what being with me is like. And then you can decide.”

Dancing this intimately with him, his smell overwhelming her and his emotions rushing alongside hers, makes it hard for Rey to think straight. But she can feel the desperation in him, and she can clearly identify the longing she feels clawing in her own chest.

“Ben, we don’t even know each other.”

“So let’s _get_ to know each other,” he says encouragingly. “I don’t know how to explain it, but there’s something that tells me there’s something here between us. That this was supposed to happen.”

“It’s called hormones.”

“I’d prefer to call it destiny.”

“That puts it at ten months,” she protests. “I only have a year. After that, it can’t be reversed.”

“Then you’ll still have two left,” Ben insists. “Make the appointment if it makes you feel more comfortable. Make it for day 181. Just...let me try.”

“I’m afraid,” Rey admits, resting her cheek against his warm chest as he turns them again.

“Don’t be afraid,” Ben says softly, fingers tightening against her. “I feel it too.”

Rey takes a deep breath--intending it to be bracing--but instead, she gets a lung full of pure Ben. It’s intoxicating. And she lets herself consider it for a moment. What would be the harm in seeing how this plays out? She has the time, and she can’t deny the connection she feels to him. It feels soul-deep, and Rey finds she can’t bear to think of another person in her life walking away. Just like Dr. Kanata said.

“Okay,” Rey acquiesces. “Six months.”

“Rey….”

Ben says her name like a prayer, lifting her up in the air in another spin. And as he brings her back down, he lifts his lips to meet hers on the way.

It feels the same as she remembers, and yet different all the same. Because she knows Ben better now and had the briefest peeks into who the hulking man before her is, when before he’d only been an enigma of an alpha. And there’s a promise now that she’ll have the opportunity to learn about the things she doesn’t understand yet. It makes her a little giddy as she kisses him back, the pillowy feel of his lips on her a reminder of how it felt being with him before.

A sudden urgency comes over her, and she needs more of him _now_. His warm scent curls around her, drugging her on pure Ben. She brings her hands up, letting them comb through his black waves. They’re slightly damp from the sweat they’ve worked up dancing, and they seem softer than in her memories. Feeling the tresses sliding through her fingers again, it seems as if she could get lost in the sensation. It’s a strange thought when she considers that she’d thought she’d never experience it again. He gives her bottom lip a small nip, making her gasp.

“I think it’s time to go,” Ben asserts, his voice low and rough.

Unable to speak, Rey bobs her head in agreement as her body clenches in response to the command in his tone. Taking his hand in hers, she leads him off the dance floor toward where her friends are already waiting. Beau is still sitting where they left him, and Finn is back to sitting across from him. Kaydel leans forward over the table, letting her ass hang out, and Rose is on her way over with another tray of beverages. Blessedly, these seem to be water.

“Good moves, Ren,” Finn calls to them as they approach. “I’m impressed.”

Rose hands each of them a glass of water, which Rey graciously accepts before immediately sucking down half the glass. Kaydel turns to receive hers, and when her eyes pass back and forth between Rey and Ben, they narrow accusingly.

“You’re leaving, aren’t you?”

Finn’s head snaps up, staring at Rey. When she doesn’t deny it, he shouts, “No, Rey! No bailing, you promised.”

“It’s been my birthday for-” Rey examines the watch on her wrist, “-an hour and a half. The bar is closing in thirty minutes anyway.”

“Let them go,” Rose admonishes Finn. “You’ve forced her into having fun in your way, let her go have fun in her own.”

“Oh god,” Finn says, face screwing up in distaste. “Fine. Just...text me, okay?”

Laughing, Rey takes Ben’s emptied glass and places it with hers on the table. “You got it.”

With a few more goodbyes, Rey eagerly pulls Ben out of the bar. The crowd parts quickly this time, whether it’s because they remember Ben, or they can sense Rey’s determination is unknown. But she’s relieved because if she had to fight her way through, she would have cursed at strangers just like Ben had.

She’s a woman on a mission.

\--

They’re able to request an Uber again, and the app tells them it’s a seven-minute wait due to high request volume. Ben takes advantage of the need for killing time, pressing Rey’s back to the warm brick of the bar’s exterior wall before kissing her soundly again.

“I need you to tell me this is what you want,” Ben murmurs as he pulls away from her lips. “That you’re sure.”

A painful twist of fear rips through Rey, and she knows it’s coming from him. Her own feelings of regret intertwine with it. She’s caused this, and the uncertainty she feels in him brings a terrible realization to her. She’s broken him, somehow. He’d been sure of her intent once before, and he’d been wrong. He’s trying to trust her again.

“Ben,” Rey whispers. “I’m broken. There are pieces of me that other people have torn to shreds. And it’s taken me a lot to get to a place where I can breathe again. Opening myself up to someone isn’t something I do very well. But...one of those broken pieces makes a little more sense when I’m with you.”

Ben’s answering dark laugh is anything but joyous. “Trust me, sunshine. I know a thing or two about people fucking you up.”

“I think that’s part of it,” Rey admits. “I think I could tell that night that you’re broken in the same way I am. I just worry whether or not that’s really a healthy base for a relationship.”

An alert sounds in her purse, and their ride slides up.

“Let go, Rey,” Ben chides, taking her hand to pull her to the car. “Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. I’ll help you.”

Helpless to resist the pull to him, Rey allows him to help her into the waiting car. He slides in beside her, closing the door before reaching across the space between them. Ben’s not going to let this ride in the car feel as awkward or tense as before. He pulls her into the center seat, wrapping an arm around her. His scent fills her nose, and a blissful haze settles over her. It doesn’t muddle her senses, but rather heightens them. The feel of the leather against her back, the cotton of his shirt against her cheek, the chemically floral smell of the driver’s air freshener...everything seems stronger. And yet, she simultaneously feels untouchable, like his presence alone dims the importance of anything else around her.

They ride in silence for a while, letting the blues music coming through the speakers settle over them as they ride. Rey finds herself burying her face into him just a bit more, relishing the feel of his body against hers. She’s so relaxed that when his chest rumbles beneath her, she can’t help but jump in surprise.

“Tell me about Finn,” he says gruffly.

Rey leans back a bit, caught off guard by the strange feeling of possessiveness suddenly radiating from him. Did something just occur to him to make him feel this way, or had she missed the building emotions during her zen? Curious why this particular sentence has come from his lips, she asks, “What do you mean?”

“You seem close,” he says simply, tone still slightly annoyed. “He seems important to you.”

“He is,” Rey confesses, confused. “It’s hard to explain what he is to me, really. Finn is... he’s my whole family. I would do anything for him, and he’d do anything for me. It’s been him and I against the world for as long as I can remember.”

Another strange emotion comes to her. Resentment.

“It’s...hard,” he snarls, “to think that you feel that way about him.”

Shock goes through Rey as she realizes what’s happening. “My feelings for Finn haven’t ever transcended friendship. And before you go any further down the rabbit hole, you should know that Finn prefers men.”

Ben’s face, which had previously been staring angrily out the window, now whips toward her. “Really?”

“Really,” Rey huffs. “Not to say he doesn’t dip his toe in the female waters from time to time. But his ultimate preference is men.”

“That’s...a relief.”

“Could you be any more of a stereotypical, possessive alpha?” Rey scolds him with a hint of lightness in her voice. “Honestly.”

Ben’s eyes flash dangerously. “I’ll show you possession, little omega.”

\--

Rey feels a bit nervous as she opens the door to her apartment, pushing the door against the interior wall to make room for Ben to step in beside her. She takes a deep, bracing breath as she locks the door, pressing her forehead against the cool metal for a moment. She contemplates her sanity, wondering why she thought it was a good idea to bring him here. To her safe space.

Without warning, he grabs her shoulders and turns her until her back is pressed against the door, and then his warm, soft lips are on hers.

Ah. That’s why.

Ben’s kiss isn’t insistent like she’d thought it would be. Instead, it’s soft and sweet, like he’s trying to coax her rather than claim her. She melts into it, the gentleness surprising and disarming. A shudder rolls through her, and she raises her hands to thread them through his hair. Ben’s hands cup her cheeks and neck, his body so massive compared to hers that his hands engulf her completely.

He slowly pulls away from her, and her eyes open sluggishly to find him staring at her.

“I could tell you were starting to overthink things,” he explains, that cocky smile returning. “I thought that would help.”

“It did,” Rey acknowledges, hands sliding from his hair to rest on his shoulders. “You’re...hard to understand, you know.”

A dark eyebrow raises. “How so?”

“You’re so irritable most of the time,” she explains, “But then, like just now, you’re softer. Kinder. It’s unbalancing, honestly.”

A strange expression crosses his face, and his brows come together in confusion. “I...I am?”

“Yes!” Rey laughs, stepping closer and lacing her hands together behind his neck. “You’re a bit mercurial, Ben.”

“Only for you,” he says softly, bending to press his forehead to her. “Everyone else in the world is just...infuriating. But you... you’re special somehow. It’s hard for me to comprehend sometimes.”

Rey chuckles again, going on her tiptoes to press her nose against his. “Give me time, I’m sure I’ll prove you wrong.”

Ben shakes his head but doesn’t respond. Instead, he bends down, wrapping his arms around her. He holds her tightly against his chest, lips coming to hers again fiercely. She crosses her arms further around his neck, her head tilting to deepen this kiss. Slowly, he lifts her before he turns to walk them toward the hallway, following it down to the room at the end. Which, luckily, is her bedroom.

“Excellent,” Ben murmurs against her lips. “I guessed right.”

Rey rolls her eyes. “It’s a one-bedroom. It wasn’t a hard guess.”

“We could have ended up in the bathroom,” he defends. “And where would that have left us?”

“I’m sure we could have thought of something.”

His lips curl into a smile against the skin of her neck, which he’s now tracing down with his lips. “Remind me to revisit that idea later.”

Ben’s hand reaches up to brush along her collarbone before slowly dragging them downward, calloused fingertips scraping along the valley between her breasts. He follows the curve around one, fingers dipping into the fabric until they reach the bottom. He then brings them upward until they dance over one of her stuck on pasties. Frowning, he reaches up with both hands to grab at her shirt, pulling the fabric on each shoulder free of the wardrobe tape she’d placed there, before letting it fall over her shoulders.

Rey stands still, wordless as the sleeves of her shirt skim over her arms to let the fabric drape from the cinched section at her waist. She forces herself not to shiver as his eyes pass over her, eyebrows coming together as he stares at the pasties covering her. He reaches for one, gently peeling at one edge until it comes free. Rey wrinkles her nose as the adhesive pulls at her skin for just a second, and Ben’s breathing increases. His eyes are dark as he repeats the process on the other one, and then both nipples are bared to him. He steps forward, forcing her to take a step backward. He keeps moving, and she realizes he’s herding her toward the bed. Just before her legs touch it, he spins them around to sit on the edge with her facing him.

The silence between them is a strange sort of foreplay, and Rey realizes now that she hasn’t felt any emotions radiating from Ben since they’d left the car. She wonders if her theory is correct, and what it would mean that she can’t feel them now. Why would he be withdrawing now, of all times?

Reaching forward, Rey runs her fingers gently through his hair again, taking a moment to absorb his features. His eyebrows are surprisingly tame for a man, the black bar through his right one tipped with red gems in the balls on either end. His eyes below them dark and brooding with a glint of some mischievous intelligence. She’s sad to see the bags beneath, hinting at restless nights on what she’s sure are rather uncomfortable bunks on the bus. His nose, too large for his face and yet somehow making him all the more handsome, still has a ring through the left side. But, like the barbell through his brow, it’s black this time instead of silver. And his lips, always so soft and insistent on hers, are red and plush now from their earlier kisses.

“Ben,” she breathes, letting her fingers trail down his jaw, wrapping one hand around the back of his neck to rub at the skin there. “Ben-”

He doesn’t let her finish, suddenly bending forward to place his lips on one nipple. His lips seal over it, his tongue brushing over the peak. He suckles at her, then his teeth nip at her areola. It doesn’t exactly hurt, more pinches in a way that makes heat rush down to curl in her stomach. One hand is at her back, holding her close to him, while the other traces up to cup at her other breast. He kneads her, forefinger and thumb rolling the nipple between them.

Rey gasps, reaching fingers back up into his hair. This time, rather than gentle, she pulls roughly at the base of his locks as she pulls him closer, a moan spilling from her lips. He pulls back, releasing her with a _pop_. He blows a chilled breath over the wetness he leaves there, making shivers race down her spine.

“ _Ben_ ,” she gasps, his name passing effortlessly over her lips as it’s chased by a moan. Her body is throbbing, her center clenching on nothing as her chest rises and falls rapidly.

He switches to the other side, paying the same attention to the other nipple as he had to the first. Rey expects his now free hand to go to her other breast. But instead, it trails downward. His knuckles trace a path down to her jeans, and Rey’s core clenches in anticipation.

But...something feels wrong. Like...like Ben’s going through the motions, doing what he thinks is expected of him. The raw, vocal man from before is gone. He’s too controlled now, too intentional with his movements. And a strange choking sensation claws its way up her throat. She has to do something...anything to make him stop….

Stop what?

“Ben,” she says, voice firm. “Ben, look at me.”

When he pulls away, he looks up at her with eyes soft and pupils blown. But his expression is schooled, and Rey can see the way he clenches his jaw now. As if he’s trying to control himself. Trying to hold back.

“Yes?”

Rey closes her eyes, shaking her head for a moment. Gathering her thoughts, Rey opens her eyes to catch a moment of a dejected expression before his face goes blank again.

“I’m sorry,” Rey blurts, “about last time. I’m sorry I left that way. We should have talked more, I shouldn’t have shut you down so harshly-”

“You were correct to do so,” Ben says firmly. “I drastically misinterpreted what was happening. I _violated_ you.”

Horror washes over Rey, seizing her heart in its grip. _Violated?_

“No,” Rey exhales, dropping to her knees. Looking up at him now, she can see the leery expression that’s covering his face. “No, Ben. You didn’t do anything wrong. I told you, I’m a mess. I don’t know how to do relationships. It’s a miracle I even have someone to call a friend. I never wanted this. But it doesn’t mean….”

Rey takes a breath. This is humiliating, and also utterly terrifying. She feels a strange mix of a desire to throw up, cry, and laugh. If only Dr. Kanata could see her now.

“It doesn’t mean I don’t want to try.”

Rey nearly does sob when she can feel a bit of surprise trickle through to her. This seems to confirm her theory. When Ben trusts her, the bond holds steady. She can feel him through it when he lets her. He lets out a broken sort of noise as he reaches for her, pulling her up and forward to fall on top of him. He scoots them back, dragging her with him until his back is pressed to the wall at the head of her bed. He pulls her into his lap, his lips meeting hers in a crash that has her heart leaping, her body grinding instinctually against the hardness she feels below her. Her head is spinning, and that familiar fog is creeping in again. 

“Rey,” he sighs against her lips. “Rey, I-”

“I know,” she says, reaching between them to pull at his shirt. He lets her bring it over his head, and she tosses it instinctively toward her laundry hamper. Something glitters at his chest, and she realizes it’s a long silver chain with a plastic guitar pick hanging from it.

“What’s this?” Rey asks, reaching to hold it in her fingers. “Good luck charm?”

Ben smiles wickedly. “It must be, seeing as you’re in my arms right now. It’s from a special show. I kept it as a souvenir of that night.”

Smiling in return, Rey allows her hands to fall to his shoulders and lets her fingers trace down the ink there. She can see fully now that his tattoos encompass his hands, arms, and shoulders with more trickling down his chest. She continues downward, passing where the symbols stop at the middle of his ribs to where his skin is soft and untouched.

“Will you tell me about them?” she asks, eyes darting up to find him watching her fingers closely.

His lips curl into a smirk. “Maybe later?”

She smiles in returning, lifting her eyebrows mischievously. “I suppose we’ll need something to talk about when we’re knotted.”

His eyes widen, and his hips give a small, instinctual thrust up into her. She hisses, dipping her head to press her lips against his neck. She finds his scent glands puffed up and warm to the touch, his scent beginning to saturate the space between them. She scrapes her teeth against them, her left hand going up into his hair to drag his head further to the side. He obeys, hands now at her back, and pulling down. His short nails still manage to bite into her skin, and she moans appreciatively into his ear.

“No more waiting,” she demands, scrambling off his lap to tug at his pants.

“Rey,” he says, reaching for her. Nervousness and a bit of fear come inching through to her side of their unfulfilled bond. “We can’t rush this, baby.”

Rolling her eyes, Rey gives up on his pants to pull her own off. She manages to remove them, kicking her heels off in the process, and crawls back to his side. “Trust me, Ben. It’s not a problem.”

His nostrils are flared, and she knows her smell reaches him easily now that all cloth barriers are out of the way. But he doesn’t yank her to him as she hopes. Instead, he reaches out and gently runs his inky knuckles down her cheek, expression soft.

“I’m not a heathen, Rey,” he says softly. “Let me play with you.”

Snarling, Rey grabs his hand. She drags it in between her legs, letting it drag up her damp inner thighs before finding her center. Slick coats her, making it impossible for him to misinterpret exactly how ready she is for him.

“Fuck,” he groans, his other hand going to her neck. His thumb comes forward, brushing over the curve of her jaw. “Really?”

What else did she need to do to make him understand?

She releases his hand, moving to his jeans again. He helps her now, kicking off his shoes and sliding off his socks before shucking his pants. They join the rest of their clothes before he pulls at her, urging her to sit astride him again.

“If you’re so eager,” he growls, voice low and demanding, “then you can fuck me yourself.”

His words make everything in her clench, and that fuzziness creeps in at the edges. She reaches for him, but he stops her with a sudden, sharp panic echoing in her mind as he grabs her hand.

“Condom,” he says simply. “Fuck. I don’t have one.”

Rey freezes, horror seizing her. Had she really been about to ride him bare? She’s _never_ forgotten protection before. What was wrong with this man that he made all common sense rush out the door?

“Nightstand. Top drawer.”

Nodding, Ben reaches over to pull open the drawer. She directs him to the small red box tucked in the back corner, where a small folded strip of condoms sits inside.

He rips one free and closes the drawer, turning to her with a grin. It deflates as he sees her frustrated expression, and she can sense his confusion.

“I’m clean,” he blurts, surprising her. “I get tested regularly, and the last time was after you. And there hasn’t been anyone else since.”

“I’m clean, too,” she says. “And my implant provides birth control. But... I’d still prefer it if we used one.”

He doesn’t answer with words. Instead, he gives Rey a charming half-smile before ripping the package open. She’d fully intended on sliding it on herself again, but his unbothered reaction catches her off guard.

“You’re not mad?”

Ben’s head snaps up from watching his hands work, an expression of annoyance blending with the flash of anger that comes through. “No, Rey. I’m not mad. At all. This is not something that’s up for debate. If you want protection, I’m not going to belittle that decision. And if anyone ever has, they’re a fucking tool.”

Warmth spills into her chest, and Rey feels everything squeeze a bit tighter. Desperation claws at her, and it suddenly becomes imperative that he be inside her. Immediately. Wordlessly, she reaches for him again. Taking him in her hand, she raises herself up before slowly sliding herself back down him. A pulsing thrum sounds in her ears, everything settling to focus on their small space in the world. 

Ben chokes out some strangled version of her name, her body holding tight to him. Too tight. She’d been cocky before, expecting to be able to take him without trouble. But there’s an intense burn as she eases over his full length, and she lets out a whimper on a breath.

“Baby,” he says gently, reaching up to cup her cheek with one hand while the other goes to her ass. He places a hand there, slowing her descent. “You should have let me take care of you.”

“I’m fine,” she gasps, trying to drop her hips a bit more but stopping when the pinching sensation nips at her again. “I want you.”

“You have me,” he declares. “Just...fuck, stop a second. If you keep moving, I won’t be able to control myself. And I need to take care of you.”

His words make Rey freeze. His voice sounds absolutely wrecked, and she feels tears prick at her eyes from the sharp contrast between the discomfort between her legs and the softness in his voice. Once he’s sure she’ll stay still, he brings his hand around to rub against her clit. Rey gasps, head going back as her eyes flutter closed.

“You look so fucking good up there, Rey,” he sighs. “It’s so hard not to thrust into you like an animal. You’re a wet dream, my sweet little omega getting herself ready to ride my cock.”

“Ben,” she moans, cunt clenching greedily down on him. The sensation makes them both gasp, and she feels a fresh wave of slick help her ease down just a hair more. She feels him jump in her, and her spine arches into the sensation. Everything in her is screaming for him, and he plays her clit as expertly as he does his guitar.

“Your body was made for mine, Rey,” he croons. “So perfect. You make me feel like a fucking _god_ when you let me fuck you. So damn pretty.”

The filthier his words grow, the faster her chest rises and falls. She’s racing toward the edge, and she feels her hips begin to cant against him. Her focus narrows until all she can feel, smell, see, _breathe_ is Ben. She groans out his name, and his answering words are her undoing.

“I haven’t been able to get these little sounds out of my mind,” he admits, his free hand trailing down from her neck. “When I told you I would think of you every time I sat at that table on the bus, it was the truth. The number of times I’ve had to fight off a hard-on during a schedule review because I was staring at the same table I fucked you on...I lost count.”

She remembers that night. He’s sent her so high, soaring above the clouds. She’s there again, so close to oblivion that her fingertips could kiss it if she reached for it. She can feel how his powerful thighs are tightened beneath her as he fights his instincts to thrust forward. She feels him shake from the effort, and the idea of him so close to losing control makes her feel like a queen.

“Come for me, little omega,” he grates out, his voice carrying an edge of desperation as he flicks one hardened nipple. “Soften up that pretty little pussy so I can fuck you properly.”

Rey shoots straight over the edge, crying out as her body rhythmically clenches against him. Her hips thrust of their own volition, and she can feel a rush of slick flow through her. He curses in her ear, then words of praise are whispered through gritted teeth.

When her body begins to relax, she leans forward and props herself up on her elbows to look up at him. A wash of satisfaction slides through her, but it’s short-lived when her eyes meet his. While she feels completely satisfied, she remembers there’s still very much a main course waiting in front of her.

“It’s okay if you need a minute,” Ben says, tone obviously forced into evenness.

Shaking her head with a small laugh, Rey raises a hand to run it down Ben’s nose.

“Fuck me,” Rey commands, sitting up to let him slip further into her as she grinds herself against him. Her next word comes out hoarse, her oversensitive clit scraping against him. “Please?”

She knows it’s the ‘please’ that does it more than anything else. Taking hold of her hips, Ben pulls her body away from him just an inch or two, nearly pulling out entirely. Rey’s body already grieves the loss, the emptiness an unexpected agony even outside her heat. He gives an experimental thrust upward, sliding back in without resistance now. He continues to press forward, and Rey’s surprised at the difference. She can still feel the delicious stretch, but the orgasm he’d seen her through had relaxed her body enough to accept him. There’s a twinge of residual pain from her misguided attempt, but it’s quickly quenched by the feel of him moving in her. He goes deeper each time until his hips finally meet hers. The sensation of him suddenly bottoming out in her sends her flying, satisfaction flowing through her. She can already feel his knot beginning to swell and attempt to catch, an extra fullness building each time he moves in her.

Rey cries out, reaching forward to lay her forehead against his shoulder. She’s aware of Ben’s hands tightening on her hips, and a sick part of her hopes he leaves bruises. He’s been a paragon of control all night, but she can feel him beginning to unravel beneath her. She feels powerful and strong at having a man as large and domineering as Ben loses himself in her. His lust and reverence sweeping over her send her racing toward another orgasm, his blooming knot catching more and more.

“I’m not going to last, baby,” Ben grumbles, punctuating his words with deep strokes. He shifts his hips, letting the head of his cock brush against that spot that makes her quake with each pass. “God, you feel better than I remember. I should have put your pretty pussy on my tongue before I fucked you. Maybe I still will. Do you think you can come for me again? I want to feel that sweet cunt squeeze me one more time.”

Rey squeezes him and moans in response. The words are there at the tip of her tongue, but she can’t make them break free. A haze is settling in, but it’s not the same as their last time together. It’s a lazy sort of fog, not the mind-nubbing one she’d experienced the last time. She sits up, bracing her hands on his shoulders as she rolls her hips into each of his thrusts. His eyes are deep and piercing as they catch hers, his expression wrecked as he watches her ride his body.

“Ben,” she manages, the words a whimper. “Ben, you feel so good. Fuck, don’t stop. Please, please, please….”

Ben curses, one hand coming between them to rub at her clit as the other continues to guide her hips. Her words must be sending him over as effortlessly as his did for her because she can feel his movements become more erratic as a delicious, deep moan rips its way up his throat. She doesn’t have the breath to tell him the stimulation is unnecessary, because just as his knot swells to completion inside her, she skyrockets over the edge.

“Rey,” he says in a choked voice in her ear. “Rey...fuck.”

Her arms give out from under her, and her body collapses on his chest. The movement tugs at his knot in her, making them both gasp. A reckless part of her fumes at the condom, and she knows it’s the omega in her raging. She imagines the wash of heat she’d feel without it, the combining of his seed and her slick coating her while his knot holds it all in. The sensation has her spasming again, even as she comes down from her peak, at the idea of him properly filling her. If it’s like this now, what would it be like with her heat?

Ben presses a kiss to her damp forehead as the sobering thought begins to drag her out of her haze. It starts to take root in her mind, spreading to her limbs and making her body stiffen for reasons other than the pleasure he’s given her. Tomorrow, he leaves. He won’t be here for her heat, he won’t be here for anything. He travels all over the country, the _world_. There’s no way he’d be able to stop everything to come fuck her for three days straight. He’d asked her for six more months, but what would those look like?

Oblivious to her sudden anxiety, Ben wraps his arms around her and purrs low in his chest. The sound soothes her, immediately slowing her heart rate and calming her breathing. It fills the space that’s empty of all the words they can’t bring themselves to say. She’s never had an alpha purr to her before. It’s a strangely intimate thing, usually shared between mates or close partners. She knows she should be more alarmed that the sound comes so seemingly effortlessly to him, but the sound keeps her sedate and relaxed. And she knows she should be embarrassed, or maybe even a bit worried, as she feels herself drift toward slumber just as she’d done the last time. But Ben strokes her back in long, soothing lines, and there’s a hum of a gentle song woven into the purring rumble in his chest that’s calming to her soul. And so, yet again, Rey lets herself drift to sleep in the safety of Ben’s arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're interested in updates on things or just want to chat with me in general, check me out on Tumblr (simplyabbeycat) or Twitter (@abbey_simply). I'm going to be circling around to some other fics I have hanging out on FFN that need to be completed and posted here, but I'm always open for prompts/ideas as well! If one strikes my fancy, I usually write it. Whether it's a one-shot or a full saga is anyone's guess until I get going, but I'm always up for playing with other people's ideas, or lending an ear when you need it.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Missed you all. I hope this chapter makes up for the fact you only got one this week!
> 
> Chapter count went up three (sorry) because I didn't want to rush the end of this fic, and as I'm approaching it on my end for writing I just felt like we needed two more chapters to give them the time they need, and an epilogue to wrap it all up in a bow!
> 
> MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING FOR THIS POST: Rey discussed physical abuse, and there's some non-con touching during a fight as well. If you're prefer to skip, look for the *** and skip to the next ***.

[ ](https://imgur.com/JHQkRca)

**Song Inspiration: "Losing My Life" by Falling in Reverse**

Rey’s dreams are strange that night. Rather than a narrative or series of scenes playing out before her, she dreams in feelings and vivid, swirling colors. They started out a gently pulsing bright and yellow, feeling optimistic and bright. But slowly, they fade to a deep blue of doubt and fear. The color then begins to morph to purple as the bright red of lust seeps in, and she feels a twinge of pain at that moment. The tone quickly shifts to a deep blood red in anger, followed by blackness and an echoing burst of a forlorn fog of green.

She sleeps surprisingly soundly despite the strange dreams, and exceptionally well for someone unused to sharing their sleeping space. She’s vaguely aware a short time after falling asleep of the moment Ben’s knot disengages. He leaves the bed for only a few minutes before returning again to tuck her back into his arms, pressing a kiss to her forehead as she drifts back into her steady slumber.

And now, a strange sound pulls her from sleep. Sitting up, Rey begins to process that it’s music that’s woken her. And not just any music, but a boppy, dancey tune she hasn’t heard in years. Eyebrows coming together, she pulls herself from her bed and searches for some form of clothing she can easily snag. She spies Ben’s simple white shirt on the floor, and she pulls it over herself with a smile on her face as he scent curls around her like a cloud. It’s a rather unsettling move for an omega who likes to keep her emotional boundaries in place, but she doesn’t particularly care.

As she stands, she feels a slight ache and burn between her legs. Flinching, she raises her hands above her head to stretch. It’s an unexpected feeling. Ben’s size hadn’t been a problem the last time they’d been together. She realizes firmly now that her decision to hasten foreplay had been a drastic miscalculation. One she’ll be paying the price for, clearly.

Following the loud 80’s music streaming through the door, she heads down the hallway to the full living space of her apartment. The sitting room is small, but it makes up for it with vaulted ceilings and massive windows looking over the city below. A small table sits in the space between the living room and the kitchen, covered in piles of mail she’s sorted through but not thrown away.

And there in her small kitchen is Ben, clad only in his black boxers. It’s rather unfair how handsome he still looks even rumpled from sleep, while she surely has a bird’s nest for hair, and last night’s mascara smudged under her eyes. He’s bent over to peer into her fridge, surveying the meager offerings before pulling a few eggs from the carton she’d ripped the lid off of yesterday. He’s obviously figured out how to get her stereo’s Bluetooth to work, and the music coming from it is nothing like what she would have ever thought she’d find him listening to.

“Really?” she asks, startling him. “‘Wham!’?”

He jumps, nearly dropping the eggs. His eyes are wide when he sees Rey standing there, arms crossed over her chest with a teasing smile on her face, before growing dark as he takes in his shirt on her. It’s massive on her smaller frame, brushing a few inches above her knees. Setting the eggs down on the counter carefully, he gives her a sheepish smile.

“I’m sorry that I woke you. You slept like the dead all night, I didn’t think anything could rouse you at this point.”

“Don’t worry,” she says, grinning widely. “I like it. I’m just surprised.”

Reaching for her, he takes her elbows in his hands to pull her closer. She lets him bring her against his chest, his face breaking into a warm smile that nearly has her melting in his arms. How is it fair for this man to be so beautiful when he smiles?

“Call it nostalgia,” he says lowly, bending to press his forehead to hers and let his nose brush along the side of her own.

Then, he reaches to take her hands in his, stepping back until their arms are stretched out. Then he spins them in a circle, pulling her close again with a laugh. He wraps one hand around her waist, keeping her other tightly in his, before dancing her around her small kitchen in a graceless, silly dance that has her breathless.

She’s dancing in her kitchen with a man, like something straight out of a cheesy rom-com. And she’s absolutely, breathlessly happy as she does. It’s something she’d love to photograph, to capture the pure beauty of laughing with someone who makes her heart soar with the littlest thing. While dancing with him last night had been an experience in courting and seduction, this is pure joy and impulse.

Ben laughs, and she can’t help but laugh too. There’s a lightness in his eyes, and a sense of relief touches her. She wonders what makes him feel that particular emotion, but she doesn’t dwell on it long when she catches the notes of happiness that are interwoven within it. As the song comes to an end, she finds herself breathing heavily and beaming at him.

“Happy birthday, Rey,” he says, bending to drop a kiss on her lips before turning away to start up his attempt at breakfast again.

“You’re full of surprises, Ben-”

She stops short. She can’t finish the statement, because she lacks a vital piece of information required to complete it. She’d been ready to say Ben’s last name, but it’s still a blank. The question that had come to her last night comes bursting forth now, breaking free suddenly.

“Ben...what’s your last name?”

Ben, who’d turned to begin cracking eggs open, freezes. His shoulders tense, and slowly his head drops to his chest. Sighing, he drops his hand again to let the shell of the egg split open on the edge of her single metal mixing bowl.

“It’s Solo.”

“Solo?” she asks, the name a surprise. It’s not what she’d expected, which begs the question of what name she _had_ expected. She doesn’t have any room to judge last names. She isn’t even sure Niima is her real last name.

“Yes,” he says dejectedly, tossing the eggshells into the disposal side of her sink. “My name is Ben Solo.”

“You don’t sound pleased about the fact,” Rey observes, stepping forward to rest a hip against the counter. 

_“And the black wave radiating off you says you’re more than just unhappy,”_ she thinks. _“You’re_ **_angry_ ** _.”_

Ben’s expression is dark as he snaps, “There’s a reason I go by Kylo Ren.”

His sharp words startle her, and she’s horrified to feel tears prickling at her eyes. The man suddenly standing before her is an impenetrable force, incredibly different from the one who’d danced with her just a moment ago. The wide, open man is now curled in on himself, body held tight and defensive.

“I’m sorry,” Rey says, shoulders slumping as she takes a subconscious step away from him, away from his changing moods. “I didn’t mean to pry.”

“Then why ask the question?” he spits, turning to glare at her. “If I wanted to fucking tell you, I would have.”

“What the hell, Ben?”

Ben slams his fist down on the counter, shoulders shaking. “Leave it alone, Rey. It’s none of your damn business.”

The words slam into Rey like a brick to the stomach. They’re nothing like the kindness he’s previously shown her, a sharp foil to the effortless joy they’d shared only a few minutes ago. The sudden snap has her reeling and sends her plummeting into the dark well of her past.

A man who’d seemed so nice at the park where she’d met him with her social worker, throwing the dirty second-hand shoes at her face when she’d come to tell him they were too small. It was the same man who had been doting and kind when sitting beside her during teacher conferences. She’d thought her teacher’s praises had earned her a reprieve, but he had thrown her viciously by the hair into her room when they returned home. A man who’d suddenly poured out every drop of alcohol when the kind blonde lady started coming over. Rey’d thought that was the moment things would get better until he smashed an empty bottle over Rey’s head two months later when the woman had left them.

And now, it seems, she’s found herself in the thrall of another disappointing man. History seems doomed to repeat itself. And Rey nearly falls to the floor at the realization.

“Rey…” 

A ripping sense of horror billows out from the frozen alpha before her, but it clatters against her mind without sinking in. She’s numb to him now, her own ferocious hurt blocking her from his emotions.

“Fuck you, Ben Solo,” she snarls, turning sharply and heading down the hallway. She rips his shirt over her head, tossing it to the floor in the hall. “Get your shit and get out.”

***

She reaches her room, fuming and furious as she starts grabbing for the pile of clothes on the floor. She finds his pants and shoes, throwing them through the open doorway. She expects to see them clatter to the hallway’s hardwood for him to scoop up, but instead, they slam straight into Ben’s horrified face. Snarling, he throws them to the side and lunges for her, making her scream. She leaps away, but Ben’s hands are on her in an instant.

An instinct instilled in her from a young age makes her try to pull away, anything to get away. Because if she doesn’t get away, history tells her this will hurt. Angry men have dangerous bodies. The punishment for running will be worse if she doesn’t manage to get away, but if she can just get away and keep away long enough for his anger to settle-

“Stop,” Ben commands, his voice startling her. It’s not the voice her body had prepared itself for, the grit and scrape of a man destroying himself from the inside out. The voice of a man who’d taken nearly everything from her. Hearing Ben’s voice instead of her foster father’s should calm her, but her body keeps fighting. “For fuck’s sake, Rey. I’m so fucking sorry. Just _stop_ for one damn second.”

“Get _off_ me,” she squeals, ripping and pulling in an attempt to free herself. “Let me go.”

“Not until you calm down,” he says, desperation clinging to every syllable. Fear. Horror. “You have to stop, please.”

“I’m not trash,” Rey snarls, his words bouncing off the mental shields that spring up from her fury. Tears pool in her eyes, a traitorous few daring to tip over the edge and skate down her cheeks. She longs to reach up and wipe them away, but her arms are held tightly by his. “And you don’t get to treat me like it.”

“Omega.”

The word cuts through her, startling her enough to make her body still. A command, clear and simple. A low blow, using the power of his designation over hers. But it serves his intended purpose, and her mind reaches forward through that shield for just a moment to listen for the rest of his command.

“I don’t deserve the chance. But let me apologize,” he gasps. “Please.”

Something tears at Rey’s chest, and she tries to turn herself in his arms. But he holds her tight, refusing to let an inch of space come between them. Both of them are breathing hard, and she can feel him shaking nearly as badly as she is. She’s naked against him, his chest burning against her bare back. The vulnerability pouring off both of them is thick and uncomfortable, but it’s enough to slow her down enough to gather herself.

“Let me turn around,” she demands slowly, letting herself go soft against him. “Please.”

Ben hesitates, and she can feel the tension he still holds tight in his body. But eventually, he loosens his arms just a hair, giving her only enough room to let herself spin within them. Once she’s facing him, she looks up to capture a look at his face. She’s shocked to see his eyes are wide and wild, fear and sadness, making them shine in the morning light spearing through her curtains. Another tear leaks from her, and she lets out a growl in frustration. She still can’t wipe it away, her hands now pinned between their chests.

***

“I’m sorry,” he says, repeating his words from moments ago. His expression is open and pleading, but she can feel the well of his emotions locked away from her again. “I’m so, _so_ sorry that I snapped at you like that. It was completely uncalled for.”

“I’ll fucking say,” Rey hisses.

Sighing, Ben drops his forehead to hers. She wrinkles her nose and tries to pull away, but his arms tighten again to keep her close. His smell invades her, the rich depth of it curling through her nose to settle in her chest. It eases some of the tightness there, soothing her unsteady breathing. Center. Peace. Belonging. _Alpha_.

“Someone’s really done a number on us, haven’t they?” he murmurs softly, closing his eyes. “I lash out like a beast, and you claw back like a demon. We make quite the pair.”

“So leave then,” she snaps, unable to keep the bite out of her tone despite the softness he displays now. “If you can’t even handle telling me the simplest thing about yourself, this isn’t going to work.”

Ben huffs, eyes coming open with a glint of determination. “I’m not going anywhere, Rey. Not until we talk.”

“I tried that,” she retorts. “And it turned out just swimmingly.”

She’s done a lot to try to help herself. She opened up to Finn and trusted him in her darkest moments, put herself in therapy, and found safe coping mechanisms. It hasn’t been an easy road, but Rey’s finally begun to feel like a functional human being in the last few years. And she’s not going to let some renegade alpha destroy all of her hard work. If he wants to be a callous asshole, let him do it to some omega who can handle it. Because she can’t.

“Come back to the kitchen with me,” he says, pulling his head away from hers. Slowly, he loosens his arms from around her. He slides them to her elbows, following them down to the hands trapped between them. He takes them in his, stepping backward until their arms are taut. Pulling, he encourages, “Please.”

Something in the way he speaks cools the fire in Rey to a lower, bubbling simmer. She’s still debating where to land her first blow, but she no longer has a desire for blood—just a decent amount of pain. Scowling but relenting, Rey lets Ben pull her from the room and down the hallway. He stops for only a moment to pick up his discarded shirt on the ground, pulling it over her head and encouraging her arms through it like a child. After that, he tugs her to the small kitchen table, pulling out a chair for her to sit. She falls heavily into it, watching silently as he moves away from her to stand at the counter again. He reaches for his phone, turning the music down several levels until it fades into soft background music.

He doesn’t say a word for a while, pulling open a few drawers until he finds the fork he’s been searching for. He whisks the eggs with it fiercely and with a vengeance a little too intense for a couple of simple eggs. When his intensity builds to a level that sends a splash of raw eggs spilling over the side of the bowl, he snarls and throws the fork into the pan. Rey flinches but doesn’t say anything. His strange vulnerability in her room twisted something in her perception, and it tickles at the back of her mind. There’s more going on here than just a simple flash of anger, even though the lashing out had been uncalled for.

Ben stays silent a few minutes more, taking deep breaths in an attempt to calm himself as his fingers latch on to the edge of her countertop in a white-knuckled clench. He lets out one last long exhale, his shoulders slumping with his exiting breath. The moment stretches out, a string pulling tighter and tighter between them as he struggles for words, and she forces herself to be patient.

“My family situation is an absolute shit show,” he finally says, speaking the words to the blue backsplash above her counters. “Like I said, there’s a reason I go by Kylo Ren now. I haven’t spoken to them in years, and thinking about them is painful. It’s not something I relish talking about.”

“Then why even tell me your name?” Rey asks, crossing her arms as she leans back in the uncomfortable wooden chair. “If you hate your name, why share it with me?”

“Because,” Ben starts, turning around to face her finally. His expression borders on feral, only the additional look of beseechment keeping them this side of sane. “Rey, I _want_ you to know me. It felt good to tell you my name. It’s mine, and it’s at the core of what makes me who I am. But the name ‘Solo’ belongs to a group of people I’d rather not think about.”

The broken way he says it sends a shard of light piercing right through Rey’s heart. This big man, who’s built like a brick shit house and carries the fury of a hundred armies, is nearly brought to his knees thoughts of a family who had destroyed him.

“Then we won’t talk about them,” she says softly, uncrossing her arms to let them lay on her legs. Literally baring her heart to him. “I won’t ask about your family again.”

He considers this, silence stretching between them again. When he speaks again, it’s with a tone of conviction. “Limits.”

“What?”

“Limits,” he repeats. “We should talk about our limits.”

Rey wrinkles her nose. “Like...kink limits?”

Ben barks out a laugh, and the return of some mirth to their conversation makes a corner of her lips twitch. “Sure, that too. But I was thinking, for now, we should discuss our limits _outside_ of the bed.”

She rolls the idea around, pressing it into the corners of her mind as it unfurls. Limits? Limits. What are her limits?

“My foster father was a piece of shit who mentally and physically abused me,” she blurts. “You can’t pop off on me without warning. I’m not saying you’re not entitled to get angry. But you can’t lose it like that with me.”

Ben’s face goes pale, shock coating his features. Then, anger makes his cheeks pink. “He hit you?”

“On the good days,” she says plainly, sounding calmer than she is. “Other days, it was worse. I’m in therapy, I have been for three years. I’ve been dealing with it.”

“That’s...brave of you.” Ben’s voice is gentle as he steps toward her, leaving the mess on the counter behind. “Truly, I’m impressed.”

Rey shrugs. “Finn was the one who got me to go. I have...control issues because of everything that happened. Combined with a borderline OCD diagnosis, it led to some unhealthy habits. I got a bit carried away, and Finn convinced me I needed to do it.”

Ben stands before her now, and she can see that he’s warring with himself to keep from pushing her for more. But he takes what she offers him, and drops to his knees in front of her.

“Don’t leave without a word,” he says softly, voice a bit broken as he reaches for the hands in her lap. “If you ever decide to leave me just...tell me, before you do.”

The words wrap themselves around her, squeezing mercilessly. They’ve both clearly been abandoned, suffering the emotional scars of broken ties and crippling disappointment. The draw between them is undeniable now, and she wonders again if it’s an entirely healthy thing they have now. She knows she needs to talk to Dr. Kanata, but she isn’t sure now if she could tear herself away from him even if her therapist demanded it.

“Okay,” Rey says, giving his hands a squeeze. “No asking about each other’s families. No leaving. No lashing out. Anything else?”

“I’ll tell you about them someday,” he says, leaning forward to drop one cheek on her knee. “Just...give me time.”

Rey doesn’t respond. Instead, she lifts one hand from between them to run it through his silky tresses, somewhat knotted still from last night. Seeing him on his knees before her calms her mind, a broken man falling to her for comfort. It’s hard to reconcile this man with the one who’d lost himself earlier. She tells herself to guard her heart a bit longer until she can be sure of his true colors, but something in her knows that vivid slash of red isn’t a shade that truly belongs to him.

The sudden shrieking of Ben’s phone startles then both, making Ben curse. With a sigh, he pulls himself from the floor to grab his phone from the counter. Swiping across the screen to answer the call, he visibly steels himself before bringing it to his ear.

“Yeah?”

Rey waits patiently as he listens to the person on the phone, watching as his expression falls.

“Yeah, I know. I’ll be there. Yes, I’m fine. Everything is fine. Leave it alone, Poe. Fuck. I’ll see you tonight.”

Ben lets the phone clatter to the counter unceremoniously. His face is drawn as he brings one hand to swipe over his face before dragging it through his hair.

“I have to get back to the hotel soon,” he says dejectedly. “I need to catch my flight.”

“Oh,” Rey says, heart plummeting into her chest. “Already?”

“I flew commercial,” he murmurs. “There’s security to deal with, and I can’t miss this flight without some pretty massive consequences.”

Slowly, Rey stands. She walks across the space between them, and he watches her wearily. While this disaster has felt like a breakthrough, they’re both still licking their wounds. And the painful waves radiating off him, the burnt smell to his scent, tells her she needs to be the one to reach across the sudden chasm between them.

“I’m not ready for you to leave,” she says, reaching up to cup his face with one hand. “We’ve hardly had any time together, and there’s still so much more to say.”

Sighing, Ben brings his hand up to hers and leans into it. He closes his eyes, turning his face to breath in the scent at her wrist. When his eyes come open again, they’re determined and beseeching.

“Come with me.”

It takes a moment for the words to register. She blinks a few times, feeling rather daft. “What?”

“ _Come with me_ ,” he repeats, bringing his hands up to scoop her into his arms. “It’s Saturday. I can get you back tomorrow afternoon so you’re ready for work.”

“I don’t work Mondays,” Rey says dumbly. “I just have a staff meeting at 10 on Tuesday.”

“Even better,” Ben says with a smile that brightens his face beautifully. “I’ll get you back Monday morning.”

“How?”

Ben scoffs, wiggling an eyebrow at her. “I have my ways. I promise, Rey. I’ll get you back. Just...please. I’d really love it if you came with me.”

Rey’s heart is pounding. She can’t just _disappear_ with her rockstar alpha boyfriend without warning. Can she even refer to him as her boyfriend? What does a rockstar’s girlfriend even do at a concert? What does she _wear_?

But...oh god. He’s looking at her with a puppy dog expression she can’t help but swoon over. It doesn’t seem possible for a man with two facial piercings and tattoos up his neck to be able to pull off such a pleading expression. And not only does it soften her heart, but it soaks her legs as well.

“Okay,” she says. “When?”

Ben’s smile nearly outshines the sun peeking through her windows as he laughs and spins her in his arms. “We have two hours. Do you think you can be ready in that much time?”

Rey nods, and he reaches for his phone. He pulls up a number and hits send, and Rey realizes as the conversation goes on that he’s requesting his luggage be delivered to her apartment.

“What’s your address, sweetheart?”

She wills her body not to clench at the term of endearment. She gives him her address, and he thanks the person on the other line before hanging up. “They’ll have it here in an hour.”

“I need to shower,” Rey says softly, heart still pounding in her chest. “And I need to call Finn, let him know where I’ll be….”

“I’ll order us some breakfast while you do what you need to do,” Ben says with a sheepish expression. “I’ll just have to make breakfast for you some other day.”

Smiling, Rey puts herself on her tiptoes to stretch up and press her lips against him. He reaches up and cups the back of her neck gently as he deepens the kiss for a sweet handful of breaths. When he lets her go, Rey’s head is spinning. She steps away, giving him a shy wink before heading down the hallway toward her bedroom to snag her phone off her charger before making her way to the bathroom.

Once she’s got the shower running to pull in hot water, she sits down on the toilet lid and gives Finn a call.

“You know,” he says without so much as a hello. “A ‘I haven’t been murdered by the massive alpha yet’ text would have been helpful.”

‘I’m calling you, aren’t I? Plus, if you were actually worried you would have called or shown up here.”

“Is he gone now?” Finn asks, tone a bit harsh. “He said he could only come to town last night.”

“No,” Rey says slowly. “He’s still here, but he’s got to leave in two hours.”

She takes a deep breath. Finn isn’t going to like this. He’s the furthest thing from jealous; in fact, he’s always pushed her to find someone to be with. But the whole situation with Ben has never sat well with him. And while she’d like to think arranging everything for last night was his version of an olive branch, this surely isn’t the result he had in mind.

“I’m going with him. Just for this weekend.”

She expects him to yell. Scream. Tell her she’s being an idiot. But that’s not at all what happens.

“That’s good, Rey.” He sighs. “Look, I’m sorry. I’m sure he told you about the no-call list thing. I just...you should have seen your face that day when you walked into my apartment looking like a train wreck. You told me what had happened, what he _did_ like you’d lost a piece of yourself. I’ve seen you at your worst, and I thought I’d seen it all. And that...the way you looked that day? I _never_ want to see that again. But, the more you talked about him, and I watched you, the more I realized there was something else going on. And he was damn persistent.”

“So what? You decided ambushing me was the right way to go to help me?”

“No,” he retorts. “I was just too embarrassed to admit to you what I did. So I figured if I set you up with him, maybe you guys could work out what I almost destroyed.”

“I was devastated for _months_ . Finn,” Rey accuses. “I thought he didn’t want anything more to do with me. And it was _you_ keeping him away!”

Finn curses. “I’m sorry, Rey.”

The phone shakes in her hand, but Rey forces herself to take a deep breath. “Despite what you did, things are going well. Or maybe, because of it.”

“I’m glad,” Finn says softly. “Really, Rey. I just want you to be happy.”

“I know,” she says with a smile, drawing her knees up to rest her chin on them. “I think I am. Or I will be. I’ve barely spent any real time with him. I guess we’ll see how things go after this.”

Rey promises to send Finn her itinerary, then hangs up. Smiling, she pulls Ben’s shirt over her head and lets it flutter to the floor. She steps into the spray of the shower, hissing in relief as it coats her body. She leans back, letting the water run down her body and ease the aches in her muscles. When the water reaches the apex of her thighs, she gasps as the twinge of pain there reminds her of her errors in judgment last night.

The curtain pulls across again, and Rey opens her eyes to see Ben standing there with a heated expression on his face. His boxers lay with his discarded shirt, and he has to duck under the curtain rod to join her in the shower.

“I couldn’t get the picture of you standing here soaking wet out of my mind,” he purrs. “Do you mind?”

“Not at all,” Rey says, reaching forward to run her hands over his bare chest. She shifts forward, letting the spray kiss his body as well. “I’m glad you decided to join me.”

Ben lets out a deep exhale, reaching forward to draw her into his arms. He leans down, pressing a kiss to her forehead before taking a deep breath. “I’m sorry, Rey. Fuck, I don’t think I’ll ever stop being sorry. I didn’t even comprehend what I’d done until you were walking away. It was like...god, that’s not the person I want to be with you.”

Rey takes a shaky breath of her down, burrowing her face into his chest. “I know. Ben. We have a lot to figure out. And I’m sorry too, for walking away like that. My gut reaction is to run away when people start yelling. But it’s not fair for me to expect you’ll never lose your temper.”

“I’d _never_ hit you, Rey,” Ben says emphatically. He leans back, taking her face in his hands. “I want you to know that. And if I ever do, you call the cops and take me to the cleaners.”

Rey laughs. “You’ve got it.”

Smiling, Ben dips his face to kiss her again. It’s a different kiss from the ones they’ve shared so far. It’s not hurried or desperate or tentative. It’s gentle and caring, one of fresh starts and promises. Instinctually, Rey’s body presses up to him. She can feel him begin to harden against her, and she reaches up to curl her fingers into his hair as her body rubs itself against his growing erection. But when Ben reaches to tease her body in return, the pressure against her slit makes her flinch.

Ben growls low in his throat, pulling his hand away. “Another limit, baby. You can boss everything else around as much as you want. Be a stubborn, hard-headed omega in charge with every other asshole in the world. Teach them all you’re not a woman to underestimate. But not with me. With me, I need you to let me take care of you. _Listen_ to me.”

Rey prickles at his words. “What if my limit is being told what to do?”

Ben chuckles darkly. “I would believe that if I hadn’t already seen you bliss out to being taken care of. Don’t mistake this, baby. I’ll fall to your feet with the rest of the world in worship to you. But my form of worship is seeing to your needs. And I can’t do that if you don’t let me lead you when I need to.”

“And what makes you think I need to be bossed around?”

Ben’s brows come together, and Rey has little warning before his hand is to her center again. He finds her wet and wanting for him, but when he presses in, she gasps at the painful tissue he encounters.

“This,” he grumbles. “If you would have listened to me, this wouldn’t be an issue. It’s my own fault, really, for letting you ignore my words. My eagerness to earn your favor resulted in a stupid decision on both of our parts. And if this is going to work, you need to learn how to give me a little room to be your alpha. You’re now denying us both pleasure because of your pride last night.”

The omega in her purrs while her independent side screams. But, he’s right. She’d been hasty and ignored his words, and it has resulted in discomfort for her and frustration for him. There’d be no denying that the last time they’d been together when she’d fallen to his wishes, things had been a bit...smoother.

“Okay,” she agrees, giving him a cautious look. “I guess I’m sorry for that, too.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry for,” Ben says, reaching for the tube of shampoo sitting on the shelf in her shower. “It’s all about feeling our way through this.”

He pours a pile of shampoo into his hands before setting the tube aside and lathering it into her hair. She closes her eyes, savoring the feel of his fingers in her scalp. He takes his time, rubbing away the tension in her scalp before easing her under the spray. He repeats the process with her conditioner before letting her return the favor, each taking the time to gently bathe each other. The moment is quiet and nurturing, and precisely what they both need after the way the morning rubbed them both raw.

And as Ben towels her off, pressing soft kisses to each piece of skin he dries, Rey is finally starting to believe that everything up until this moment might just be worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *** For anyone who skipped, basically Ben came in and essentially used pressure therapy to stop her spiraling. However, Rey didn't initially want the contact and a reader pointed out that it may have been distressing for some readers. Thank you, ErinAdrienne77, for speaking up. I appreciate it.
> 
> You can blame the fact I only did one update in a week on Fran (aka galacticidiots on Twitter). They posted a [prompt](https://twitter.com/galacticidiots/status/1279764995333595136) for a fantasy story I couldn't get out of my head. If you're interested, it's called ["The Words We Bleed"](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25175503/chapters/61011061) and it's going to have a dark wonderland twist to it. It won't update as often as this, as this story is my main focus right now.
> 
> I'm on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/abbey_simply) and [Tumblr](https://simplyabbeycat.tumblr.com/) if you're interested in chatting!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This week was a bit of a bad mental health week for me. It was one of those weeks where it felt like getting out of bed was the hardest thing in the world. I felt like a bad mom, a horrible partner, and an all-around bad person in general. I didn't get to reply to comments until tonight, which I'm so sorry for, and I'm a day behind my self-imposed 1-week max for posting updates.
> 
> But here we are, and we're only a day behind. I can't even begin to express how much I appreciate all the kindness everyone has shown this story. If I could, I would give you all the biggest group hug of all time. I sincerely look forward to seeing everyone's thoughts and insight, and I think they've propelled this little fic beyond the meager thing I thought it would be.
> 
> So. My personal angst aside, enjoy this chapter of steamy fluff. I think the broken babies earned this little break from the angst.

[ ](https://imgur.com/aTziJ2m)

**Song Inspiration: "Can you Feel My Heart" by Bring Me the Horizon**

Ben’s phone buzzes as he wraps his waist in a towel, and he excuses himself to collect his bags from the hotel employee delivering them. Rey contemplates just how much money and influence one has to have to request such a favor, and decides she’d rather not know.

Running a hand towel through her hair, Rey examines the offerings of her small closet. She’s never been on a plane before, but she knows enough to understand that casual is the name of the game. But, will there be time to change before going to the venue tonight? Is she even going there, or is she supposed to wait on the bus? And if she does wait on the bus, how long is she expected to stay there?

“If you keep scrunching your face up like that, it’s going to get stuck that way.”

Rey whips around to see Ben smiling at her, leaning against the door frame with a wicked smile. His towel is slung dangerously low now, and his damp hair leaks small droplets of water that skate down his chest. Her fingers twitch with the urge to chase them, her tongue eager to taste the water flavored so uniquely by him. It’s a tempting thought, but she shakes her head and turns back to her closet.

“I hate to be this girl, but...what do I wear?”

Ben makes a humming noise, stepping up beside her. “Wear something comfortable for the ride out, we can get it washed for the ride back too. For the concert, wear whatever you want. Most of the backstage guests dress up a little, but it’s a rock concert, so don’t take it too seriously. We’ve got an outdoor show Sunday afternoon, so dress however you’ll feel most comfortable for that.”

“And...for night time?”

Ben’s answering look is teasing. “If it were just us, I’d ban all forms of nightwear. But since other people will be on the bus with us, something comfortable is fine.”

“Where...where will I sleep?”

“With me on my bunk,” Ben answers as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “It will be a little tight, but we should be okay.”

A worrisome thought creeps into her mind. “Does...does everyone else know I’m coming?”

He chuckles now. “You’re not the only one who was calling a friend while you were getting the shower ready. Everyone’s excited to meet you–for real this time–and have you along. It breaks up the monotony, having guests. Poe took care of your plane tickets for me, you’re all set to ride with me out and fly back Monday morning.”

Warmth blossoms in Rey’s chest as Ben leans over to press a kiss to her cheek. She turns to face him, and the look he gives her is one of a pure adoration that has her traitorous knees shaking. Their yelling match seems a distant thing, like a terrifying mirage. Did it really happen, or did she imagine it?

Rey wonders again at the toll this may be taking on her mental health. But, like an addict of any other vice, she’s too far gone to care. She’s so wrapped up in this man that she can scarcely pull herself away at this point. She knows she should schedule an emergency session with Dr. Kanata, but that’s a problem for future Rey.

“I’m going to go get dressed and take care of a few things while you pack,” Ben says, stepping away with a look that tells her he’d rather be sinking into her right now instead of walking toward her living room. The twist of lust that slips through from him has her clenching painfully. “We’ll need to leave soon.”

Rey nearly chases him through the door, but her rational side presses her hormones back into the locked box at the corner of her mind. Methodically, she works her way through a mental list of what she’ll need. The basic toiletries are packed in the edge of the bag with her ridiculous little baggie of makeup, and she throws a few outfit choices in the bag along with her phone charger and journal. She snags her two bottles of pills from her dresser as well, tucking them into a discrete corner of the bag before zipping the whole thing shut.

Rey makes her way down the hallway, dropping her bag on the kitchen counter with a solid  _ thunk _ . She looks for Ben, and she finds him standing in her sitting area. Dressed in a black shirt with some sort of graphic of intertwined skeletons and a set of dark grey joggers, he looks like something out of a casual comfort catalog. He’s observing one wall, one hand on his chin with the other at his waist. Before him is a wall of photographs, ranging from landscapes to portraits and candids of her friends.

“These are incredible,” Ben says emphatically. “Do you have a photographer friend? I may need an introduction next time I’m in town.”

“No need,” Rey says with a forced tone of indifference while nerves suddenly grip at her chest. “They’re mine.”

Ben whirls on her. “ _ You _ took these?”

Rey huffs, crossing her arms. “You don’t have to sound so surprised.”

“I’m sorry,” he says, turning back to survey the photos on her wall. “Please don’t take this the wrong way, but...this is unexpected.”

Humming, Rey moves to stand beside him. The photos vary in subject and style, typically influenced by her mood and mental health when they were taken and developed. Some of them are photographs of places, like the playground of an abandoned school and the incredible stairs of Coruscant’s city hall. Others are of her friends, some of them laughing and some more serious. Her favorite is one of Finn, staring out the train window on their first trip out of the city.

“It started out as something my therapist suggested,” Rey explains.” A way to capture the way I see the world and put it on paper. I journal too. It helps me process everything and work through it methodically. It’s been incredibly helpful.”

“Rey, have you ever thought about selling these?”

The question catches her off guard, and fear wraps icy claws around her throat. 

“No,” she manages. “It’s a personal hobby, not a career.”

“I’m serious,” he says, turning to look at her again with an incredulous look on his face. He gestures to the wall, saying, “You have an incredible eye. You could sell these to a gallery.”

She wrinkles her nose in distaste. “That’s not really my thing. I take photos for me, not because someone wants me to take a photo of their prized poodle or something.”

“That’s not what I mean,” he replies with a shake of his head. “God, you could….”

He stops for a second, just staring at her. And his face carries a deep, thoughtful look for a moment that has Rey confused. But just as she’s about to ask what’s going on, he snaps out of it.

“Do you have your camera here?” he asks.

“I...I do,” Rey says blandly. “It’s in my room.”

“Bring it,” he says with a teasing half-grin. “Maybe you can take some photos of us while you’re with me.”

Rey laughs and gives him a slap on the shoulder, but when he doesn’t back down, she gives a snort and heads to her room to grab her camera bag from her desktop. She’s just returned to the kitchen and stuffed it into the last remaining space in her duffle bag as Ben’s phone pings him.

“Our ride is here. Ready?”

Nerves seize at Rey’s chest, and butterflies burst to life in her stomach.

“Yes.”

\--

It’s hard for Rey to play it cool when everything about the airport is overwhelming.

The first thing that catches her off guard is when he tells her there’s a possibility that ‘Kylo Ren’ could be recognized while at the airport. Ben calmly explains the need for discretion when in high-traffic areas, especially when he’s alone or with a guest. It’s also why he’s donned a black beanie on his head and a black zip-up hoodie to hide his tattoos.

“It’s not the recognition,” Ben had explained while helping her into a similar grey hoodie on the way to the airport. “It’s always amazing to meet fans. And it’s not like we’re mainstream enough that many people know who we are. But you’re with me, and I’d rather we just get to where we need to be without causing you any drama.”

Rey’s still contemplating those words as they pass their belongings to airport security. As she steps through the large portal and holds her hands above her head, she wonders why Ben wants to keep his presence with her covert. Is it truly to prevent having to deal with the stress of questioning fans, or is there a reason he wants to keep her a secret?

She shakes her head to herself as she steps through to collect her belongings from the conveyor belt. If he was ashamed of her, he wouldn’t have invited her along with him for the weekend. He easily could have batted his eyes and apologized and beat it out of her apartment in time to make it back to his rockstar bachelor’s freedom.

And yet….

Rey doesn’t feel any different from any other couple preparing to travel together, but Ben still manages to draw stares. His height alone is enough to attract the attention of people passing by. And, even with the jacket on, the tattoos on his hands and neck are on display. He’s got both his duffle bag and Rey’s slung over his shoulder, the other arm wrapped around her waist, holding her close to him.

They locate their gate and check-in at the desk before finding a small airport bar to keep themselves entertained. They share stories and laugh over their beers and a small basket of chips and salsa followed by a simple burger and fries. When their gate announces boarding, Ben throws some cash on the table before slinging his arm back around her.

Rey feels like a teenager as they stand in line together waiting to be called. Ben keeps dipping his head into her neck to inhale her scent every few minutes, making her shiver and grin widely. He’d complained several times after their shower that his scent was washed away from her, and had detailed a few times how he intended to replace it. His grumbling about scent has only gotten louder since they’ve reached the airport, where the smells of other people nearby clash with their own. At one point, he skims his tongue over one of her scent glands, and she has to elbow him in the stomach to cover her squeak.

She’s surprised when he leads her forward in one of the first groups to board, and he explains that they’re seated in first class. She gives him a wide-eyed face when he says this, but his relaxed expression reminds her to school herself. She manages to keep her cool until he leads them to their seats, but she starts to shake as she shuffles into the place he indicates for her.

“Are you okay?” he asks after he finishes placing their bags in the overhead bin. “You’re looking a bit pale.”

Rey anxiously runs her fingers over her journal’s spiral rings, which Ben had kindly pulled out of her bag before stowing it away. 

“I’ve never flown before.”

“Baby,” he says consolingly, plopping himself down in his seat before reaching over to grab her twitching fingers within his own. “Planes are one of the safest ways to travel. I promise. And I’m right here next to you.”

“I’m fine,” she scoffs, trying to shake away his hands. “It’s just a few nerves is all.”

Ben snorts but lets her pull her hands from his, reaching down to clip on his seatbelt. He patiently watches Rey fumble with hers, not saying a word as she works out the mechanics of the thing before finally figuring out where to insert the male end. She glances up to see him looking at her with a smirk trying to pop up at the corner of his lip, and she reaches over to smack his arm.

A stewardess comes by to ask if they need anything before the rest of the passengers board, and Ben orders them each a glass of champagne. He lets Rey take a bracing drink of the bubbly beverage, then surprises her by drastically changing the subject.

“There’s something I wanted to discuss with you,” he says, his tone suddenly growing serious. “About tonight.”

The sudden nervousness radiating off him makes her already fluttering heart start to pound, and she turns to find a weary expression on his face.

“O...kay?”

Ben shifts in his seat to face her better, and he sighs before saying, “Obviously you know I go off my blockers before a show.”

“Obviously,” Rey echoes with a laugh. “I think that’s how we got ourselves into this mess.”

A smile tugs at one corner of his lips again, but his tone maintains its seriousness. “Normally, I would take my next dose at around 5 o’clock. Which would be around the time we’ll land. But...tonight I won’t. Which means it will start wearing off around the time we meet up with everyone else.”

“If you’re trying to warn me about your demeanor, I think that moment’s come and gone.”

Ben shakes his head. “It’s not about that, exactly. It’s...look, Rey. I don’t know what I’m going to be like around you with them off. If it’s anything like last time….”

Oh.

_ Oh. _

“If you’d prefer,” he says dejectedly, “I can arrange for you to stay on the bus while we’re preparing. Or maybe I could have someone run you to go see a movie, or get your nails done, or...whatever you’d want to do to relax.”

Rey’s fears from earlier come rushing through her again. Ben  _ is _ ashamed of her. He’s going to use the excuse to keep her away from everyone else as much as he can. She wonders how much he’s told them, and how much of it he’s kept to himself. Do they  _ know _ he bit her, or do they just think she’s some sort of clingy fan he can’t rid himself of?

“What...what would you prefer?”

Ben’s expression grows fierce. “If I had it my way, you’d stay by my side the entire time. I’d drag you on stage with me if I could. I want you there, Rey. But we’re in uncharted territory here.”

Relief like nothing she’s ever felt before pours over her. Ben doesn’t want to hide her. Not at all. This is purely about her own comfort, and she has a brief moment of introspection, wondering why she jumped to the worst possible conclusion. Well, she knows  _ why _ . But she’d thought she had made progress toward overcoming those self-doubts.

“Then I’m with you,” Rey says simply, reaching over to take his hand in hers. “Like everything else, we’ll... we’ll figure it out.”

Ben beams at her, raising their joined hands to press a kiss to her knuckles. The contrast of their hands together makes something wrap curiously around her heart. His hands are massive compared to hers, the skin a soft cream beneath the ink on his knuckles. Her own hands are small and tanned from free time spent outside and, tucked between his fingers, they seem far daintier than she’d ever thought before.

The rest of the passengers board as they sip their champagne glasses, and Ben tells her what to expect when they land. Apparently, a car will be waiting outside the airport to take them to the venue. It seems he’s not the only one to have gone on an adventure on their night off. Hux is also flying back from a trip home, although his flight left this morning, and he’s likely already met up with everyone else by now.

During the entire time, Ben never lets go of her hand. Which he probably regrets when take off comes, and Rey nearly squeezes his fingers from his hand as the plane shakes in its race down the runway. But as the wheels pick up off the ground, Rey can’t help but let out a squeak and a laugh of surprise when the plane catches the air. The  _ whoosh _ in her stomach and sensation of being pressed into her seat unleashes an odd sense of giddiness. Combined with the smooth waves of joy radiating off Ben, it’s a rather picturesque moment.

Rey leans over to look through the window, watching the world shrink below them. The city turns into a child’s plaything through her small view of the expanding horizon, and Rey feels something click on a fundamental level. Things that seem large can actually be so little in the grand scheme of life, each person just a minuscule piece of a more massive machine. It is a reminder that there are millions of other people living their lives, some better and worse than others. No one person’s experience outshines any others. It’s exhilarating and humbling for someone who’s always felt the world has singled her out for its cruelty.

Once the pilot announces they’re at cruising altitude, the seatbelt light dings. The stewardess comes around and offers them a refill of their champagne and a snack selection, from which they each select a tray of strawberries, cheese, and chocolates. Something tells her this isn’t the standard offerings for the passengers in coach. Settled again, Ben reaches over to slide across the small half wall partition that will give them a little more privacy.

As they eat, Ben leans over between bites of strawberry to press kisses against her mouth. She smiles, tasting the champagne and fruit on his lips with each kiss. He deepens one of the kisses he sneaks, and they savor this small little space where they can just simply enjoy each other. And when their small plates are empty, they each settle back into their seats to relax. Ben’s pulled out a notebook too, and they sit in companionable silence, each scribbling away.

Rey hasn’t had a moment since Thursday evening to write in her journal, and so she has a lot to catch up on. She writes down everything, from the moment she woke up until now. She smiles widely as she writes about their dance in the kitchen and frowning as she pours out the details of their fight. When she’s done, her hand is cramping, but her heart feels settled. As always, it feels good to put everything down on paper.

She glances up at Ben to see he’s watching her, a strange expression on his face. She realizes the contentment she feels is partly due to his own emotions rolling through to her. He reaches over to run a finger along her cheek before pressing a kiss to the skin he’s just touched. Rey smiles and tries to lean over to get a look at what he’s working on in his own spiral-bound book. She assumes it’s something to do with the songwriting he supposedly does according to the articles she read. But he quickly closes it, giving her a teasing smile.

And before she knows it, the pilot announces their descent and the seatbelt light dings back on. They begin the race toward the ground, and Rey only squeezes Ben’s hand a little bit this time as they touch down, and the engines kick in reverse to slow their progress down the runway. And Ben, the saint he is, only laughs a little at her when she curses rather rudely in a tone loud enough for most of the aircraft to hear.

\--

“We’re almost there. Yes, she’s with me. Fuck you, Poe. Did you think she wouldn’t be? Fine, except that the poor thing is a bit green. She neglected to tell me it was her first time flying.”

Rey sticks her tongue out at Ben, who makes a snapping sound with his teeth in what seems to be a threat to bite the offending tongue. She gives him a challenging look, which he returns with a scolding one of his own. She laughs, and he rolls his eyes.

“Yes, she’s a pain already. We’ll be there in ten.”

Ben disconnects his phone, then reaches over to draw Rey into his side. She smiles up at him, and she delights at watching him attempt to keep the mirth from his stern expression.

“You’re awfully feisty right now, Miss Nima,” he murmurs. “Does flying make my baby a little too spirited?

Rey laughs, nuzzling into his chest. “Maybe it’s all the alcohol you plied me with. Beer at the airport, three glasses of champagne on the plane? Anyone would be poking a bear at this rate.”

Ben hums in his chest, reaching up to grab at her hair. It tumbles loose around her shoulders, but he gathers it in one fist before tugging her head back to force her to look up at him. The man driving their car studiously stares at the road while Ben lowers his face to growl in her ear.

“Poke the bear all you want, little one. It will only make the hunt all the sweeter.”

A shiver races down Rey’s spine, and she wonders at the sudden aggressiveness of him. And then she realizes what’s happening. She glances at the clock on the driver’s dash, seeing the time set at 5:48pm. Ben’s blocker dose was due almost an hour ago, and it’s absence is becoming more and more evident.

“So you say,” she hisses back. “But I seem to remember mention of a rather crowded bunk we’ll be stuffed into. I don’t see much happening in there with your bandmates sleeping across the aisle.”

Ben snarls, the sound making her cunt clench as all of her instincts scream in excitement. She doesn’t understand why she’s goading him on. Apparently, her omega is a masochist, because she is intentionally forcing Rey to antagonize the raging alpha next to her.

“The only thing that’s going to be stuffed,” he insists into the shell of her ear, “is that sweet pussy. Make no mistake, sweet Rey. I will have you tonight. One way, or another.”

Dear. Lord.

Rey’s chest rises and falls rapidly, her heart ready to race out of her chest as his words coat her skin in fire. She feels a rush of slick dampen her panties, and she can feel Ben stiffen against her as he inhales deeply. The car’s confined space leaves no room for him to miss her smell, and he gasps against her. His hips shift, and he nearly pulls her into his lap in an attempt to get her closer to him.

He finds her scent glands, taking the time to meticulously coat each one in his saliva. He’s scenting her, covering her smell with his own. She moans under her breath as the heat goes straight between her legs, a strange churning sensation settling in her abdomen. He takes her hands in his, rubbing his glands against hers in an act that almost feels more intimate than his mouth on her. His face is screwed up into concentration as if he’s a man possessed, watching their skin slide together.

A sense of peace comes over them both as their scents become so interwoven it’s challenging to distinguish them from one another anymore. On instinct, she lifts herself up to run her own tongue over his skin, finding his scent glands warm and inflamed under his skin. Repeating his actions, she licks along his tattoos to let her smell mold into his. He groans beneath her, bending his neck down to allow her to access the side furthest from her.

And as he does, she gets a whiff of where his scent is most potent. There, in the same place as hers, is the mating gland on the back of his neck. Unblemished, it calls to her with its offensive perfection. His scent is like a flame to her moth, she draws herself up to it. Every cell in her body demands that she bend him down further, providing her the access she needs to sink her teeth into it.

_ Complete the bond. Bite your alpha. He is yours—your mate. Bite him. Bite him.  _ **_Biiite him._ **

Gasping, Rey tears herself away. Air scrapes into her lungs, eyes wide in horror at what her omega had just demanded of her. The draw had been intense, more than anything she’d ever expected. She can’t remember a single time she’d been tempted to bite him in return. And then, at that moment, it had felt as if she would die if she didn’t.

“Shit,” Ben huffs, reaching up to ruffle his hair. It seems he, too, has found a modicum of sanity. “It’s instinctive to mark you like that, especially when I know there will be other alphas around. I won’t apologize for it. The alpha won’t let me. But I’m sorry if I upset you.”

He’s clearly misunderstood the reason she looks so horrified. He must not be aware of what almost happened. What would he say if he did?

“It’s fine,” Rey breathes, placing a hand over her heart to steady it. “I understand. And my omega clearly felt the same way. It’s been an interesting day, to say the least.”

“You don’t have to do this,” Ben asserts. “The offer stands. I can arrange something else to keep you happy and content while I work. I can see you again when I’ve taken my blocker.”

“Ben. Shut up,” Rey reprimands. “I’m doing this. I’m not scared of you. The worst has already happened. What more could you possibly do?”

Nevermind that his lack of a hormone treatment seems to be affecting her just as effectively as him. She’d almost  _ mated  _ him. Then they would have been no going back. No surgery or treatment in the world can reverse a completed mating bond. God, what would he think if he knew? Sure, he’s asked her for time for them to figure out what was going on. But there has been absolutely zero conversation about a reciprocating bite at some point.

The car pulls to a stop, and Ben reaches up to run a hand through his hair again. Grinning sheepishly, he reaches over to fluff her hair around her shoulders. The move helps disguise how swollen her scent glands are right now, but it won’t do much for anyone who’s really looking. She’d already made the decision to wear her hair down to cover her marked mating gland, which Ben had grumbled about but agreed with. So, with the issue of all her glands, she won’t be getting her hair off her neck anytime soon.

The driver opens the door for them, and Ben steps out first. He turns around and offers his hand to Rey. Smiling up at him, she accepts the offered hand to let him pull her out of the car. He pulls her harder than necessary, her momentum slamming her body against his. With a seductive purr, he bends and presses an insistent kiss to her lips. She beams into the kiss, and she feels his lips move to match. He wraps one hand around her neck with the other wrapped around her shoulders to keep her near him. The hand on her neck is under her hair, pressed against the gland he’d claimed. The touch is electric, her body recognizing the feel and smell of the alpha who’d sought to own her body and soul. She grabs at the fabric of his shirt, one hand desperately tugging at the fabric concealing his chest from her touch while the other is tangled in his hair.

“Oh, for fucks sake,” comes a disgusted voice. “Do you two intend to paw at each other the entire weekend? Because it really is distasteful.”

“Fuck off, Hux,” Ben snarls against Rey’s lips. “We’ll come in when we’re good and ready.”

She tries to pull away, mortified, but Ben doesn’t let her budge. He merely purrs at her again, her body relaxing immediately thanks to her omega’s primary, biological response to the sound. He gives her bottom lip a slight nip, then soothes it with his tongue.

“Ignore him, baby,” his croons. “Hux is a cold, jealous bastard.”

“Hardly,” Hux sniffs from behind Ben. “I just have a little class.”

Sighing, Ben pulls away from her finally. Embarrassingly, Rey’s body almost seems to chase him for a moment before she can get a handle on herself. Starting, she takes a step away from him and shoots him a stern look. He merely cocks an eyebrow at her while fighting to keep a grin off his face.

Ben takes her hand, pulling them past the lanky red-head that had been taunting them a moment ago. Hux gives her a look as they go by, scanning from her feet to her hair with scrutiny. Rey does her best to school her expression into one of cool indifference when she really wants to bare her teeth and hiss viciously at the judgemental beta. Ben’s demeanor tells her that, while the two have found a balance to co-exist, this man is not a true friend.

Ben walks her up a set of stairs that lead to a service door that’s been left propped open, ignoring the smiling omega female staff member who smiles nervously as they pass her. She can feel Ben’s body beginning to practically vibrate with tension as his blockers continue to work their way out of his system, his nose flaring then wrinkling as he scents a smell he finds offensive. Rey quickly discovers it for herself as an alpha male approaches them, smelling faintly of burning pine needles and burnt sugar. Not wholly horrible, but not pleasant either, especially with the tang of blockers muting its intensity. And definitely without any comparison to Ben’s scent, which is growing stronger and more addictive by the moment.

The man glances at them, raising an eyebrow as he assesses their scents as well.

“Kylo Ren, I presume?”

“Obviously,” Ben growls, tightening his grip on her hand. “I need my dressing room and my guitar if you don’t mind. And if you know what’s good for you, you’ll stop fucking looking at her.”

The man’s face pulls back in surprise, and Rey is sure the color has drained from her own face in response to Ben’s demand.

“Ben,” she whispers, reaching up to wrap her free hand around the bend of his elbow and letting her fingernails press in firmly. “Too much.”

“Ah, Kylo,” comes a voice like gravel that makes Rey’s spine instantly stiffen. She turns to see Mr. Snoke strolling up, his face a mask of sick intrigue. He’s dressed in a suit again, impeccably fitted to his awkward frame. “Finally. I was beginning to wonder if you planned on showing. And you brought the omega after all, I see.”

“Rey,” Ben snaps. She’s startled, thinking he’s addressing her. But when she looks up at him, she sees that he’s staring down Snoke with a ferocious set to his face.

“Pardon me?”

“You will  _ not _ call her by her designation,” Ben insists, shoulders hunching as his feet shift into a defensive stance. “It is not your right, Snoke. To you, her name is Rey. Or Miss Niima, if she prefers it.”

Snoke gives Ben a scathing look. “Call her what you want, Kylo. She is what she is. Let’s not pretend this situation is anything other than it is.”

Nope. Absolutely not. This is not happening. She feels Ben’s feet move to step toward Snoke, but she steps in front of him to block his path. Ben’s face is twisted into pure fury as he glares at the foul man behind her, but she presses her hands to his chest. She anticipates that he’ll swat her hands away like a pesky bug, but she’s surprised when he actually stills beneath her hands. He glances down at her, face tinged with apology under the anger so clearly displayed. She gives him a look, then turns to face Snoke herself.

Crossing her arms, Rey says, “My designation does not negate my entitlement to your respect, Mr. Snoke.”

Snoke doesn’t even look at her. He looks past her as if she’s a smudge on his lens. An annoyance, but not impossible to overlook. He stares down Ben, saying, “I permit her presence for you, Kylo. The instant she becomes more of an issue than she’s worth, she’s gone.”

Ben roars. And not in a poetic, metaphorical way. He actually  _ roars _ at Snoke as the man turns away from them. She sees Snoke flinch, but he shows no other sign that Ben’s outburst has phased him in the slightest. Which is astonishing, because even Rey jumps and scuttles to stand behind him at the overwhelming sound. Her omega is simultaneously terrified and incredibly turned on.

Ben’s body deflates suddenly, and he wordlessly reaches behind himself to grab Rey’s arm and pull her back to stand in front of him. He bends to bury his face in her hair and neck, pressing his nose to her skin and inhaling deeply. While Rey’s frontal cortex struggles to catch up, the omega in her recognizes an unbalanced alpha in need of help. For the first time in her life, she feels a purr begin to rumble in her chest. It’s not as deep and loud as his, but the slight sound is there between them. She feels Ben start to relax into her, and he nibbles and licks at one of her glands for a moment as he reaches up to run a finger along her mating gland. She shivers, and she can feel as a wave of her scent rolls off her and to him.

“I’m sorry, Rey,” Ben breathes. “You shouldn’t have to deal with that bullshit.”

Rey sighs. “Your manager is an ass.”

Laughing, Ben pulls away to look at her. His soft brown eyes look down at her with a twinkle of affection, and she’s surprised to see that he seems to be in a bit better control of himself at the moment. Her head spins, watching him bounce back and forth between the alarming alpha “Kylo” and the affectionate man “Ben.”

“I’m afraid I’d have to agree with the lady,” the alpha man says with a sniff. “That was rather unpleasant, wasn’t it?”

Rey feels Ben stiffen against her as the other alpha reminds them of his presence, but a quick slip of her fingers beneath his shirt to trace along his skin seems enough to soothe him. He takes a deep breath, then nods at the man.

“I’ll show you to your dressing room,” he says, turning away and striding away with an air of efficiency Rey appreciates. “The rest of your group is already settled. Would you like me to take you to them, or would you like a moment to collect yourself?”

Ben turns to look at her, soft eyes darkening as the alpha in him begins to rise again. And when his words cut through the air, deep and authoritative, Rey’s omega rises in response. Like a magnet, her omega pushes and pulls with his in a dance that makes her dizzy and unbalanced.

“We’ll take a moment.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My [Twitter](https://twitter.com/abbey_simply) and [Tumblr](https://simplyabbeycat.tumblr.com/) are always open for anyone who needs to chat about this story, Reylo, or life in general.
> 
> A few people have mentioned other Reylo rockstar!Ben/Kylo fics they've read. If you know of any, let me know! I'd love to read them a build a "fics like this" list :)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone. I'm so sorry for the two day delay for this. If it helps, the main reason for the delay is because I hit my writing GROOVE, y'all. Chapter 14 is almost done! I'm thinking we may have to up the chapter count just a hair one more time, but for now I'm going to leave it. At most I think we're looking at 22 chapters, but we'll see how the final few pan out. I don't want to rush anything, but I don't want to drag it out either.
> 
> Let me know in the comments how you feel the pace is. Too slow? Too fast? I try to vary it a bit depending on what happens!
> 
> Now...on with the show!

[ ](https://imgur.com/JmdyGcJ)

Song Inspiration: "All I Want" by A Day to Remember

Ben’s lips are immediately on hers, using her back to finish pressing the door shut behind the retreating alpha employee. (What is it with this man and kissing her against closed doors, and  _ why is she even thinking that right now? _ ) His hands are fisted in her hair, tugging upward until she’s nearly on her tiptoes to keep the tension off her scalp. It renders her completely unable to move away from him, at his mercy and demand. His pelvis holds her pinned as his tongue skates over the seam of her lips, demanding that she open to him. Demanding submission. 

She can feel him spiraling down into the pit of his alpha spirit, and he’s slowly dragging her down with him. She places her hands on his chest, desperate hands skating over the vinyl skeleton couple intertwined on his shirt.

His smell... she’d forgotten how utterly delicious he smelled that night when she’d first met him. A warm, thick burning scent that incinerates everything else in its path. It’s been searing her skin deeper and deeper with each passing moment as his blockers become nonexistent. She knows she should be holding him steady, but she’s drowning in his storm. And she’s actively on her suppressants, so what’s her excuse?

“I’m so sorry, Rey,” he breathes against her lips, the bitterness of his apology coating her tongue. “I lost control. Forgive me. Don’t leave.”

His words are like ice to her heated skin, melting away and making her shiver in their wake. She tries to pull her head away, but he instinctually only pulls her closer to him. A sob of anguish crawls its way through her chest, and she can feel a tear begin to skate down her cheek. It takes her a moment to realize it’s not her own pain, but Ben’s. He’s...in pain. And terrified.

“Ben,” she gasps, reaching up to put her hands on his cheeks. She tries to pry him away, but he won’t budge. He’s spiraling, his emotions swirling further and further into that pit. She tries again, this time dropping her hands to his neck to let her fingernails scrap firmly down his skin. “Ben!”

He pulls away, and she feels another sob tear through her. This time, the agony is her own as she takes in the wrecked expression on his face. He’s broken, falling apart between her fingers like scorching sand.

“Ben,” she tries again. “I’m not going anywhere. You have nothing to apologize for. You were protecting me.”

He lets out a choked sound, dropping his forehead to hers. “I was a bad alpha, losing my cool like that. I’m a mess, Rey. You should leave until my blockers wear off.”

Fury rises in her. Who broke this man? And what place did she have thinking she could piece him back together? Yet, here she is whipping out the cement and duct tape. Because someone needs to try.

“You,” she says, bringing her hands back to his cheeks again. “Are not a bad alpha. You’re the best alpha, taking such good care of me. You wouldn’t let anyone hurt me, would you?”

A shake of the head, and then a tightening grip at her hair until delicious aches radiate at her scalp.

“You’re so good for me,” she sighs, letting her omega bubble to the surface to soothe the alpha’s ragged edges. “You protect me like an alpha should...like I want. You’re so good for me.”

Ben’s breathing grows more even as she continues on, words she can barely comprehend passing over her lips. Without thinking, she knows what he needs to hear. Words of praise, of acceptance, of appreciation. The longer she coos in his ear, the more relaxed she feels him grow against her.

When her words finally run out, silence stretches between them. It’s warm and tight, with a slight stinging tang to it. It goes on and on until eventually, Ben asks a question that nearly takes her to her knees.

“You won’t leave?”

“No,” she says vehemently, going up to the furthest tips of her toes she can to wrap her arms around her neck in a desperate hug. “No, Ben. I’m here with you. Only you.”

He releases her hair, bending to wrap his arms around her in a matching embrace as she wraps her legs around his waist and lets him carry her to the small couch. He allows himself to fall to the cushion, her body still draped over him. He leans forward just enough to free her legs and place them on either side of his legs in a straddle. The moment could quickly feel seductive the way they’re pressed together, but it doesn’t taste that way in the air. It’s a moment meant for the catching of breaths.

“I’m going to fall in love with you, Rey,” he says, causing her to grow still as stone against him. “I can feel it in every part of my body. It doesn’t matter how far apart we’ll be, how long we’ve known each other, or what we’ll have to go through to get there. I’m going to end up falling in love with you.”

Rey can’t stand the idea of the moment going cold between them, and the seriousness of his voice makes her want to cry all over again. So she says, “You say that now. Just wait until you get to know me.”

And, while the sound of her voice is light and teasing, it falls flat between them. Because there’s an absolute honesty to it that makes them both flinch, and she wants nothing more than to crawl beneath the couch and just let the passing of time turn her to dust.

She can feel Ben’s chest rise against her as he takes a breath to respond, but she’s saved as the door to the room flies open, and three betas come bumbling in.

“Kylo!” comes a deep baritone voice from over her right shoulder. “So, you haven’t managed to devour her yet?”

A snarl comes from beneath her, and Rey turns to see Poe leading the small group of musicians. Hux and Phasma aren’t far behind, each of them giving Rey and Ben scathing looks.

Poe doesn’t heed the warning from Ben’s alpha persona, electing to plop himself down on the couch beside them. Like a man with a death wish, he reaches out toward Rey with a cocky grin smeared on his face.

“Pleased to see you again, Rey,” he teases as he offers his hand for her to shake. “I’m glad to see it’s in happier circumstances.”

“Touch her, and I’ll kill you,” Ben says. And while Rey can tell he intends it to be threatening, it comes across more jovial than she thinks he set out to sound.

“Hm,” Poe says, smirking as he settles back against the cushion with his hands tucked under crossed arms. “Touchy.”

“This isn’t going to get in the way of tonight, is it?” Phasma snarls as she sits down on one of the armchairs. “Because you promised it wouldn’t, but Hux said you seemed pretty distracted when you got here.”

“Hux is a voyeuristic leech,” Ben retorts, glaring daggers at the redhead who’s leaning against the wall inspecting his nails, “who should mind his own business.”

Poe tuts, reaching up to run a hand through his hair in a move mirroring the ones she’s seen Ben do when he’s nervous. Wondering if it’s a similar tick for him, Rey decides to watch the group more closely.

“Fuck you guys. If anyone should be worried, it’s me. Did you even practice last night?”

Rey attempts to pry herself away from Ben in a valiant effort to seem like a well-mannered duo. The plan backfires when Ben snarls in detestment, trying to yank Rey back into his arms. She gives a low growl in response, and he alleviates his grip just enough to let her turn and sit with her legs propped to the side of them with one shoulder pressed to his chest. He purrs in approval, and she’s mildly horrified to find she gives him a minute purr back in acquiescence.

“Okay,” Phasma groans. “This is too fucking weird.”

She can feel Ben prepare to respond, but Poe beats him to it.

“Knock it off, Phasma. Green is an ugly color on you.”

Rey has to fight back a remark that would point out that Phasma is truly more of a shade of red than green. Her cheeks bloom with the color now, a stark contrast to her pale blonde hair.

A knock on the door sounds, and a team of people they seem to recognize arrive with the group’s instruments. Ben nearly dislodges her from his lap as he launches toward her guitar, only remembering her at the last second and wrapping an arm around her waist to keep her steady. Once the polished wood is in his hands, she begins to feel like the third wheel. He holds it in front of her, cocooning her inside his arms while he works. He glides his fingers over it reverently, already attempting to test and tune it.

Poe must catch her annoyed expression, because he laughs and explains, “Get used to it. I’m impressed he was able to leave it behind long enough to come to see you. Every other being in the world ranks below that hunk of wood and metal.”

Ben scoffs, but instead of retorting, he bends his nose to press it to Rey’s neck. He takes a deep inhale, and she can feel the intense energy that has been radiating off him drop just the smallest peg.

“Except you,” he defends quietly. “If you could be here every night that I played a shitty house band guitar, I would burn this one to ash.”

Well. Unblocked Ben is a poet. She has to remind herself that his easy words are the reason they’re conducting this exercise, why Ben goes off his blockers. The last time she had seen him off the blockers, flowery words had been the furthest thing she’d experienced. But now, she starts to understand why he does it.

“Can you teach me?” she asks, watching his fingers dance over the strings.

Phasma laughs skeptically, and Ben throws her a fierce look before turning back to Rey with an indulgent expression.

“What’s your starting point?” he asks.

Rey wrinkles her nose. “What?”

“How much do you already know?”

“Uhm,” Rey starts, suddenly feeling stupid. “Instruments...make...music?”

The snort that comes from Hux has Rey’s hackles rising, but Ben’s quick to pull her attention back to him.

“If you really want to learn,” he says, tone surprisingly stern, “you’ll have to start with the basics. But I can teach you if you want. Piano is a better starting point than a guitar, honestly, but we’ll manage it.”

“You can’t just teach me how to play a few songs?”

It’s Ben’s turn to look offended now. “I mean...yes. But, that’s sort of a cop-out. You could play the songs, but you would have no idea what you’re doing or why you’re doing it.”

Rey has the childish urge to pout. This conversation has taken an unexpected turn. She feels singled out and scolded, and it’s an uncomfortable place to be in. He’s been so indulgent of her since last night, it’s disconcerting to have him be so blunt all the sudden. It nearly feels like this morning, but without the fear that comes with it. Ben looks at her expectantly, and she has half a mind to tell him off.

But then, she stops herself. She’s been spoiled the last 24 hours by his intense desire to win her affections, and it should be a good thing that he’s being true and honest with her now. Ben’s not saying it to be cruel or to belittle her. While he may not be tiptoeing around her feelings like he has since the moment she first saw him in the restaurant, he’s not wrong either. This is something he’s passionate about, and it’s his job. Of course, he’d respond this way.

“I’d like to learn the right way,” she says firmly. “If you’re willing, that is.”

Ben’s smile is broad, his pleasure at her words curling around her like a warm blanket. Soothing and right.

“We’ll start tomorrow. For now, put your hands over mine.”

She does as he says, and he verbally guides her on her placement over his fingers. Once she’s settled like he wants, he begins to slowly move his hands. She feels a strange warmth pool in her as she witnesses up close the grace of his movements over the frets while his other hand moves his guitar pick to pluck at the strings. Together, they play a soft melody that’s an echo of what she’s sure it would sound like if it were plugged in.

Hux also tunes his bass while Phasma spins her sticks around her fingers. Ben absentmindedly guides Rey’s hands along the guitar strings during a discussion with Poe about a piece they’ve been working on. As the conversation progresses, Ben abandons their moment and launches into a heated debate on chord changes with Hux and Poe. It’s all rather benign, but she can feel the rolling energy begin to crest in the man at her back. He snarls a bit more with each passing minute, quicker to anger and faster to lash out at someone who says something he doesn’t agree with.

“I think the time is coming, Ren,” Hux says stiffly after Ben threatens to rip Hux’s throat out with his teeth during a simple conversation about the theme of their next album. “You’ve reached top levels of insufferable.”

Ben snarls low in his chest, and Poe dares to laugh.

“Don’t be upset, Kylo,” Poe teases as he stands. “I’m pretty sure today was a new record. It’s only another 30 minutes until soundcheck.”

Reluctantly, Ben hands over his guitar to Poe and his three bandmates exit the room. She expects him to continue snarling and huffing as he has been before, but he surprises her by settling back further into the couch and pulling her to him. He rests his nose against her neck, taking deep, shaky breaths. His body seems to quake beneath her, and she has to force herself not to react. She keeps her breaths slow and even, willing his breathing to match hers.

“I haven’t even given you a moment to change your clothes,” he sighs against her skin. “I’m acting like a monster, aren’t I?”

“Hardly,” Rey says, rotating her head to look up at him. “You’re more...blunt. And I can see what you mean about things coming to you more clearly. It’s hard to explain, exactly...but I see it in your eyes.”

“Hm,” Ben says, his gentle purr returning. “Remind me to show you how... _ clear _ things are for me later.”

Rey shivers. “This all seems like a twisted dream sometimes. It feels as though I’ll just wake up trying to piece together why my heart was pounding so hard, and my skin is cold with sweat. Like you’re going to slowly disappear and drip through my fingers like melting snow.”

Being around Ben has clearly made her a poet in her own right.

Ben surges forward, moving her in his arms until she’s back to straddling his legs. He wraps his arms around her, pulling her close against him as he rasps in her ear, “I’ll be here, Rey. Reminding you every day that I’m able, for as long as I can, that I want you. That you’re mine and I’m yours as long as you’ll have me.”

It’s disarming how vulnerable he can with her sometimes, and how strongly she reacts to him after such a small amount of time together. He can be abrasive and cold with other people, even those he thinks of as friends. So when those jagged edges melt away beneath her touch, she can’t help but feel disarmed and uncertain. Because how can someone be so mercurial without a manner of deceit living beneath it?

Ben sighs, then relaxes his arms to allow a bit of space to come between them. Rey knows she should say something else, something to match the words he just said. But she can’t come up with anything that seems to mirror his honesty, so she stays silent like a coward.

“If you want to change,” he says quietly, “someone dropped our bags by the door. There’s a bathroom here too, in case you want it.”

Cowardice continuing on, Rey merely nods before dismounting his lap and making toward the door. She can feel the tension in Ben mounting the further she steps from him, and her omega is begging her to return to his side while he’s so out of control without her. But her head is spinning, and she needs a few minutes to gather herself.

Stepping into the small bathroom, Rey plops her bag down before bracing her hands on either side of the sink to stare into the mirror. Her cheeks are flushed and her eyes are bright, lips still puffy from earlier kisses. She still sees glimpses of herself in the person she sees there, but she’s also been wholly changed on a level that’s more than skin deep.

How easy it would be to let herself drown in this man. To believe his words and trust in the things he says to her. The innocent, childlike person inside her desires the truth she tastes in his words more than anything, that need for emotional validation as deep and vast as an ocean. But the woman who has endured heartache from false promises of men begs for walls of steel and poison, anything to keep intruders at bay.

What Rey doesn’t know is if a way exists to merge the two together, or if she’s doomed struggle between them forever.

Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, Rey begins to catalog things that she knows to be true. She knows that Ben cares for her. She knows there’s a possibility that part of it is due to the shaky bond between them, but she also knows there was a connection between them before that happened. Something beyond pheromones and biological drives. Something that recognized broken pieces that matched her own.

She also knows that her heart has experienced the deepest wounds that haven’t fully healed. Thick, ugly scars lay on the walls of her metaphorical heart a testament to all the ways she’s been broken before. She could put all the bandaids on them she’d like, but nothing was going to make them go away completely.

And yet, Ben...Ben made these strange promises. Promises to care for her, stay by her side, and be there when she needed him. To...to fall in love with her someday. The promises poke at the scars, teasing of magical cures. And only time, she decides, will be able to say if his promises are true, or another skeezy sales pitch.

Time. That’s what she’d promised Ben, and that’s what she needs to allow herself. Time.

Deciding she’s been moping in the bathroom long enough (she really can feel Ben starting to panic), Rey goes about making herself presentable. She ditches the roomy traveling clothes to slide on a daring red skirt she’d found in her closet and the one black tank top she owns. She’d packed jewelry to attempt to sparkle it up, long layered chains with dangling charms on each one. A leather cuff and a few bracelets on one wrist, her watch still on the other. She refreshes her deodorant and perfume, then sprays on a bit of dry shampoo to liven up her roots.

It’s not perfect, but it will do. And considering Ben’s rising anxiety, it’s not a moment too soon.

Rey allows herself one more bracing breath, then exits the bathroom.

And smacks straight into Ben.

He’d clearly been waiting there, pacing outside the bathroom door like a caged lion. He immediately pulls her into his arms, pressing his nose to her neck.

“Miss me?” she teases. “I couldn’t have been more than ten minutes.”

“No more,” he gasps into her neck. “Just...fuck. Fuck!”

He rips himself away, taking her face in his bear paw hands to urge her to stare up at him. She’s shocked to see his eyes are wide and wild, pupils slightly dilated to match his feverous stare. He’s managed to work himself completely unglued in the time she’s been gone.

“I didn’t realize how settled you’d made me until you left,” he groans, bending to press his forehead to hers. He gives them a few breaths to breathe each other in, then says, “I hate that Snoke might have been right.”

Snoke? What does Snoke have to do with this?

And then she remembers. Snoke had suggested to Ben that he get an omega to keep around. That having his own little omega toy would help even his temper while he’s off his blockers. Does this mean Ben invited her here for Snoke’s benefit?

She tries to push the poisonous thought down, but it just keeps oozing back to the surface through the cracks in her fragile confidence.

She’s nearly gathered the nerve to say something to Ben when a knock sounds on the door, dragging them both from the cocoon Ben’s words had draped them in. Snarling, Ben turns his head to demand the intruder state their business.

“You’re... you’re on - ahem. You’re up, sir.”

The delicate female voice that comes through the door trembles with nerves, but Ben only barks an affirmative in response with no attempt to alleviate the situation. Huffing, he turns back to Rey with a nervous expression on his face.

“You’ll stay, right?” he asks. “If I leave you in the wings, will you stay or will you disappear like last time?”

Suddenly feeling like the worst sort of person, Rey raises a hand to wrap it around Ben’s fingers. She pulls it down until their hands are intertwined between them, and she smiles up at him.

“I’ll be right there waiting for you. I promise.”

\--

When they approach the offstage chaos, Rey feels a brief pang of longing for home. The people moving around them are organized and efficient, and with only a few seconds of careful observation, Rey can see who the leaders are. They bark out orders to their crews, and the scuttling of people to obey is therapeutic to watch. Rey’s fingers itch with the desire to grab a tablet and start issuing orders of her own.

Ben’s shoulders relax when someone hands him his guitar, and he drapes the strap over his shoulders with the confidence of a chef putting on their white hat. A piece of the overall picture sliding into place, a cherry on top. She can relate to the feeling, the camera strap around her neck a pleasant weight combined with the backstage pass lanyard. A small green all-access “PRESS” strip is clipped to the bottom, bouncing slightly as they walk. It was a surprise from Ben to allow her to bring her camera backstage without being questioned.

He turns to her then, a torn expression on his face. She can  _ feel _ that he’s eager to dart out to the stage and join his friends, but he also has no desire to leave her. He grips her hand in his, giving it a squeeze.

“I meant it when I said it,” he sighs. “I would take you out there with me if I could.”

An idea occurs to Rey. Reaching down, she releases the snap of the brown leather cuff at her wrist. She hasn’t been wearing it long, but it’s pretty well saturated with her scent thanks to the glands there. She urges him to let go of her hand so she can have both free to wrap the cuff around his wrist. It’s adjustable, and she has to put it on the very last snap to make it fit, but eventually, she gets it on.

“Maybe this will help,” she says softly, smiling shyly up at him. “Until you’re done, anyway.”

A tender look passes over his face, and he brings the cuffed hand up to drag his knuckles along his cheek. Then he smiles, bringing his hands up to his neck. He pulls out a silver chain, the one with the guitar pick dangling from it. He draws it up over his head, then immediately places it over hers.

“You’ll need one too, then,” he says with a smile. “In case you find another alpha musician to pick up while I’m gone.”

To her delight, the necklace does carry the smallest whiff of his scent. She smiles, taking it in her hand to press a kiss to the pick. His eyes grow full and dark, and she has to say something to keep them from launching at each other.

“You said this was from a special show,” she forces herself to say. “What was so special about it?”

His eyes are bright, and he whispers, “It was the night I met you.”

So much for keeping their hands to themselves. Rey’s heart bursts in a halo of brilliant light at his words, burning up as she immediately reaches up to grab him by the guitar strap and yank him to her. The guitar between them should make it awkward, but she barely recognizes it’s there other than to curse it for interfering with the full-body contact she wants. They kiss deeply, and she can feel the shock waves traveling all the way to the tips of her toes. It’s unfair, really, for a man to say things like that. Because how is a woman supposed to steel her heart when he pulls those sorts of stunts?

When he pulls away, his smile is wide. “If I knew that was the reaction I would get, I would have told you sooner. And in private.”

Rey chortles as she shoves him toward the stage. “Later, lover boy. Go play for your fans.”

He gives her a parting smirk, then jogs away from her toward the dimmed stage lights where his bandmates wait. Impulsively, she brings up her camera to catch a shot of him with the lights catching the side of his face, the smirk still plastered on his face.

“I wouldn’t get your hopes up too high,” comes a low, feminine voice. “Omegas never hold their appeal long for Kylo.”

Rey whips her head around to find a thin, smartly dressed woman with brown hair cut in a razor straight line at her chin. She holds herself with an air of self-confidence that Rey will never be able to imitate. The woman’s just an inch or two taller than Rey, but she somehow manages to look down her nose at Rey like she’s a morbidly fascinating bug.

“Ex...cuse me?” Rey replies, one eyebrow raising in a challenging look.

The woman bobs her head toward Ben. “Kylo. I figured I’d save you the heartache and warn you not to get attached. He’s been known to toss his omega toys aside without warning when he’s tired of them.”

Oh. No. She. Didn’t.

The woman reeks of omega, the sickly sweet smell making Rey’s nose wrinkle in distaste. Usually, the scent of other omegas never offends her, but this woman smells of overly sugared fruit chews and decaying flowers. She shouldn’t be able to scent the specific notes of her pheromones so clearly, which means this woman is off her suppressants—a bold decision, especially in this setting.

“And what qualifies you to give this unsolicited advice?” Rey asks, crossing her arms. “Because I distinctly remember asking exactly nobody for their input.”

The woman sniffs. “I’ve been working for the Knights of Ren for four years, girl. I handle their public appearances, so I’m more than aware of the various girls that have been discarded by each and every one of them. But by all means, continue to delude yourself into thinking he cares.”

Rey opens her mouth, prepared to spew something vile at the woman, but she doesn’t get the chance. Because like any mature, adult woman who can finish what she started...the woman strides away without a word.

“Don’t mind Bazine,” comes another female voice. “She’s a bitter hag.”

Flinching, Rey braces herself before turning to see what other female has elected to approach her. The woman before her is dressed less formally than the other, with black leggings and a white shirt with twisting “Knights of Ren” lettering across the chest. Her hair is twisted into a bun at the back of her neck. And her scent is, blessedly, beta.

“Bazine?”

The woman jerks her thumb in the direction of the retreating woman’s exit direction. “Bazine. The nauseating vulture you just had the pleasure of meeting. She’s been after Ren for years. Just ignore her.”

“I’d planned on it,” Rey says, giving the woman a smile. Bravely, she holds out her hand to the woman. “Rey.”

The woman accepts the offered hand, giving Rey a pleasant smile as she shakes it. “Tallie. I work with the crew. Will I be seeing you around now?”

“I’m around until Monday morning,” Rey answers. “So, I guess.”

“Don’t let the groupies get you down,” Tallie says as she gives Rey a wave goodbye. “Ren seems happy.”

Rey turns toward the man in question to find him laughing at something Poe’s said. He says something in response, then adjusts something else on his guitar before finally giving someone on the other side a thumbs up. Rey smiles, bringing the camera up to capture a shot of him working on stage. But just as she moves to depress the shutter button, he turns her way. He sees her standing there and gives her a broad smile. She quickly pushes her finger down to trigger the camera to take the photo. She drops the camera to give him a smile back, a warm sensation curling and settling in her chest like a lazy, contented cat.

Happy. She’s happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who's taken the time to comment. I'm sorry that I get delayed in responding, but I do try to make sure I get back to everyone who comments. I especially appreciate people who reached out when I shared my struggles the week before. Your kind words meant so much!
> 
> I'm on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/abbey_simply) and [Tumblr](https://simplyabbeycat.tumblr.com/) if anyone wants to chat! I usually just post chapter updates, but when I have time I also share writing prompts I can't fulfill myself, fic recs, and just general Reylo love!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TADA!
> 
> I managed to post this one on Sunday like I'm supposed to.
> 
> Mind the tags for this chapter.
> 
> Consider this my version of a "fix it" for a certain episode of a certain show a certain actor we love stars in ;)

[ ](https://imgur.com/IvO50dF)

**Song Inspiration: "Ivy (Doomsday)" by The Amity Affliction**

Rey remembers the feeling of watching the Knights of Ren perform in Coruscant, tinted through the eyes of a woman who was unsteady and unsure of the turn her day had taken. But now that she better understands the people on the stage, better understands _Ben_ , the experience is wholly different.

It’s utterly _invigorating_ to watch them at their craft, the music raw and deep and emotional in a way she’s never before experienced with any other melodies. Knowing Ben penned the words and music, she pays closer attention to the messages of each song. Most of them speak about overcoming obstacles, leaving behind or destroying people who abandoned you, and the emotions that come from broken bridges. Poe’s voice is beautiful and raw, while Ben’s growls punch through and add a grittiness that nothing else ever could.

And if those growls didn’t nearly have her screaming with real need, the vision of him moving around the stage is enough to have her in a puddle on the floor. Rey’s never been one of those girls to have a “thing” for musicians. She’s never really given them a second thought, even when working with them on an administrative level. They’re usually self-absorbed drama queens with a sense of entitlement and celebrity that makes her nearly ill with distaste. But Ben, with his tattoos and moppy black hair and dark clothes, is suddenly the most beautiful thing she’s seen within her universe. And as the sweat begins to drip down his forehead, glistening under the lights overhead while he throws himself into the music, Rey’s fingers start to twitch with the need to touch him.

Realizing that she’s very seriously considering walking onto the stage, she raises her camera to give her hands something to do. She tries to capture shots of Phasma behind the drums, her cropped blonde hair making sense when it’s clear she’s the one really getting a workout on stage. Rey knew the woman was strong, but watching her muscles clench and flex behind the drums is something entirely different to behold. Hux’s place behind the bass is the most natural thing in the world, his movements slow and purposeful. And Poe was born to stand at center stage, his charisma enchanting as he talks to the crowd, acting up when the song requires it.

But...no matter what she does, her camera is drawn to Ben in a matter of a few shots. He’s so incredibly alive that his smile comes readily as he and Poe feed off each other’s energy. They communicate more than the rest of the group, likely due to their history of making music together. There’s a beautiful form of trust there that the term “bromance” would never accurately describe. And Rey’s beginning to understand that Poe may be one of the few people in the world that Ben profoundly cares for.

Ben glances her way every so often, an expression of relief and joy coming over him every time he sees she’s still standing there. Her heart does a strange sort of leaping jerk when their eyes briefly meet, and she gets a thrill every time her eyes fall to the leather band around his wrist. His piece of her out there with him. She reaches up to hold the guitar pick necklace in her hand for a moment, smiling for a moment before bringing her camera back to her face to capture the moment he reaches forward to brush fingertips with a cluster of people at the front of the stage.

While Rey wants to be at Ben’s side again, she’s just as disappointed as the rest of the crowd when their set comes to an end. She has the most cliche thought that she really could have watched them perform all night long.

But, when Ben’s body is within reach of her again, that desire melts into the background as a new desire begins to take place. Because if blocker-free Ben smelled delicious...sweaty, blocker-free Ben is absolute, mind-bending perfection. His scent is undiluted and unaltered, with no blockers or scent erasers breaking it down or distorting it.

“Omega,” he purrs as he reaches her, grasping forward to take her hair in his hand and bending her back to look up. “Did you miss me?”

“Yes.”

The word immediately bursts from behind her lips, the primitive omega rising to preen at the attention of what it’s deemed to be a superior alpha specimen.

He gives her a smirk, then dips his face to kiss her deeply. When he pulls away, she can hear murmurs around them. Embarrassed, she tries to pull herself away from him. But a growl tears from his chest as his grip on her hair tightens, ensuring she says where he wants her.

“I’m not ashamed, Rey,” he grumbles. “Let them watch.”

“Is this some sort of alpha thing?” she teases. “Because I think you’ve sufficiently marked your territory.”

Another growl. “Nothing will ever be enough.”

A throat clears, and Rey can turn her head just enough to see Poe smirking at them. Sweat soaks his shirt, and his hair is stuck to his forehead. He grabs Ben by the shoulder, giving it a squeeze and a shake.

“Good work tonight, Ren,” Poe says cheerily. “Usual protocol?”

Ben grunts. “I’m going to help Rey get settled on the bus while the blockers kick in. Find a place?”

“Place called Gary’s. We’ll be back with the usual in...two hours?”

Ben nods, and Poe gives Rey a wide smile. “Did you have a good view? Good time?”

“The best.”

\--

By the time they exit the venue, they gave one and a half hours left to themselves. Which Rey plans to enjoy to the maximum with the delicious smelling alpha leading her to the tour bus.

Rey doesn’t remember much of the bus from her first time, which she blames firmly on her hormones and significant dry spell she’d endured before Ben. Determined to get a better sense of her surroundings this time, she dodges Ben’s kiss to duck under his arm and into the bus.

The steps lead to a small sort of entryway, which splits in two directions. To the right is clearly the driver’s area, and the left has a pocket door that she reaches to slide across. It opens into a small living space, with benches on each side with a flat-screen tv tucked into the far corner. Beyond it, she can see a small kitchenette that followed by a hallway lined with curtains containing the bunks.

“Welcome to my traveling home, sweetheart,” Ben says into her ear, sending a chill down her spine. “And yours, until Monday morning.”

Rey smiles, turning to lift herself onto the tippiest of her toes to wrap her arms around his neck. “Why does it feel like you should be carrying me across some sort of threshold?”

Ben’s eyes darken. “One day, baby.”

His words are tinted with a dark promise that has chills running down her spine. They should sound ominous, but instead, they have her surging upward to press her lips into a kiss against his.

‘Will you let me do this, Rey?” he asks as he slowly pulls away. “Can I have this with you? Can I take care of you?”

Rey considers his questions. He’d given in to her last night, let her call the shots and maintain the control she’s always needed in her life to keep sane. But it hadn’t accomplished much for either of them in the long-term. And she remembers that sensation of letting go from before, of letting Ben’s decisions rule while her brain took a blessed backseat for the ride. Could she do it again?

She hesitates, then reaches up to press a kiss against him again. 

“Okay,” she murmurs against his lips. “I can try.”

He growls, the sound rumbling low in his chest. She nearly lets out a squeal of delight at the sound, her omega instincts thrilled. The music of her alpha’s satisfaction has her body pitched to receive, to respond to his desires. It’s a strange mix of terrifying and utterly thrilling. Rey has never felt so simultaneously relaxed and unnerved at the same time.

“Get on all fours,” he murmurs, staring down at her with eyes black as pitch and an expression drawn firm.

Her first instinct, the wrong instinct, is to question him. Her independence burns in her chest, reaching up to claw at her with the desperation of a drowning woman. But the omega soothes it, reaching out with promises it has no business making. And yet...the omega wins as she feels her body relax into submission.

Rey drops slowly, letting her knees hit the ground before bringing her hands to the floor. Her eyes are level with his shins now, his scuffed black boots in front of her hands. She looks up at him, playing along by putting an innocent, pleading look on her face. If she’s going to play the role of good little omega girl, she’s going to make sure it grabs him by the alpha balls.

“Good,” Ben gasps. “That good, baby. Now, turn and crawl toward the bunks.”

Rey wants to cry when her body clenches at his words of praise. She shuffles until she’s turned away, her mind screaming at the vulnerability of turning her back on a potential threat while on her knees. She wonders again at her mental health when the idea makes slick begin to collect in her panties. She slowly crawls down the hallway, letting her hips dip as she moves. Her skirt skims the flesh below her ass, kissing it as it moves in an echo with her. She passes the small kitchenette, and just as she approaches the sleeping area, he suddenly barks a command.

“Stop.”

She freezes, her body vibrating as she awaits his next command. The fog pulses at the edge of her vision, his desire and happiness creating an inferno in her chest. It’s like a feedback loop, his pleasure making her more compliant, and her obedience stroking his desires. She feels him move to stand behind her, and his body is bending over hers. He reaches to her thighs, dragging her skirt up slowly. His fingers skim her skin in a delicious tease as he eases her skirt up to hang around her waist.

“I want to see this,” he commands. “I want to see your ass while you crawl toward my bunk.”

“Which one is yours?” she asks between breaths, delirious dizziness slowing her thoughts. “How will I know?”

He gives a reprimanding growl. “Are you my omega, or aren’t you? _Smell_ your way, sweetheart.”

His words make her groan, and her thighs clench together in a simultaneous bid to seek friction and stem the flow of slick beginning to leak from the black fabric between her legs.

“We’d discussed limits earlier,” Ben coos. “Where do you fall on spanking, sweet Rey?”

“Spanking?” she asks, shooting a look over her shoulder. She intends to tell him no, her childhood abuse an aching wound that’s still festering below the scars. That is, until she sees him standing there. He’s like a dark angel, standing with legs spread wide and arms crossed over his chest, staring down at her with a look that could melt glass.

“I’m not sure,” she says instead.

“Hm,” he murmurs. “Shall we find out?”

Rey hesitates, then nods.

The sting comes so suddenly there is no time to prepare for it. He lands it on the fullest meat of her right cheek, half on the lace of her underwear and half on the skin. It stings and burns and it feels….

Cathartic. Rey’s been hit before, but not like this. She’s taking the abuse and twisting it, crafting a strange sort of command over allowing it to happen rather than enduring it. And the flash of pride from Ben, of _gratefulness_ , nearly brings a tear to her eye.

Good lord. Rey Niima likes to be spanked. At least, she likes to be spanked by Ben.

Moaning, Rey’s hips cant of their own volition, and Ben chuckles darkly.

“Again?”

“ _Yes_.”

He lands the next one on the other side, and Rey’s head throws back on another gasp. It stings, and her skin warms where he’d struck. But he reaches to soothe the skin, easing the bite.

“Those,” he says, “are for trying to hide your reactions. For attempting to hide the way your pussy is slicking for me. You don’t hide from me, Rey.”

“I’m sorry,” she sighs, giving her hips a wiggle. “I won’t do it again.”

Ben huffs as if he doesn’t believe her, but instead says, “Keep moving.”

Tearing her mind back to the task at hand, Rey lifts her head and gives a delicate sniff. She can’t smell much at first, no unique notes other than the brief tingle in the back of her nose that says “omega” or “beta” or “alpha.” She crawls a few more steps, then gives it another try.

_There._ To her left. A scent that echos the one pouring off the man behind her. She follows it, feeling a bit ridiculous as she plays the role of the bloodhound. But the way her inner thighs begin to dampen, she knows Ben isn’t the only one who’s enjoying this. It makes no sense that someone with her history would tolerate, or even entertain, this sort of treatment. But Ben hasn’t degraded her at all. She can’t feel one sadistic emotion roll off of him. Just lust and desire, awe and appreciation. And she feels more like a goddess on her knees than she ever has on her feet.

The smell leads her to a bunk that she can’t help but reach for, her hands gliding across the covers tucked neatly beneath the mattress. Her fingers fly over the fabric, the rustling teasing up another waft of his scent. Yes, this is definitely Ben’s.

The bunk isn’t terribly large, and Rey wonders at how on earth Ben manages to sleep in this thing. Even she would hit her head on the ceiling if she were to sit upright, and she imagines he has to bend his legs to fit lengthwise.

How on earth does he expect her to fit in as well? And to have _sex_?

“I can hear your mind screaming from here,” Ben says from a few paces back. “Tour buses are far from glamorous.”

“How-”

Ben’s behind her suddenly, grabbing her hands and lifting them to force her to stand. He bends her over the bed, her palms flat on the covers while her ass sticks out into the hallway. His hands press against her wrists for a moment, a silent command to keep them there. Then he skims his hands down her body, following her silhouette past the bunched shirt at her waist until they reach her hips. His fingers curl around the strap of her panties there, and he draws them downward. He coaxes her to step out of them, and they disappear along with any delusions about what he intends.

She expects him to unbutton his pants and slide into her forcefully, but she should have known better based on last time. Instead, he horrifies her, dropping to his knees behind her. She’s scrunching up her face at what she might smell like down there, her last shower several hours and a plane ride ago.

His right hand smooths over her inner thighs, the slick he finds there making him purr.

“You just have to get creative, baby,” he murmurs, following the trail up to the source. He eases forward, running a finger along her slit before reaching forward to press firmly against her clit. He circles it slowly before retreating, making Rey’s eyebrows draw together in confusion.

But then his hands are on her ass, spreading her before he dips his face in and gives her cunt a firm lick.

“Wait,” Rey shrieks, embarrassment chasing away the fog that’s been building. “Ben, I haven’t showered since before the plane, and I-”

A firm slap. Right on her left ass cheek.

“If I didn’t want to, I wouldn’t,” Ben says firmly. “So unless you really don’t want me to do this, hush.”

Startled, Rey’s mouth slams shut. When he senses no further disagreement will come from her, he returns to the task at hand. He presses her forward a bit, then encourages her to angle her hips to lift them for his attention. He pushes his tongue flat against her slit, then drops himself lower to let the tip tease at her clit. He brings one of his massive arms up wrap around her right thigh, his fingers reaching between her legs to rub against her as his tongue eases away to dip into her cunt in teasing strokes.

Rey has never done this before. She’s had sexual partners before, but most of her interaction with the opposite sex revolved around her heat. And in heat, the most important thing is getting an alpha’s knot. Rarely is there time for any cunnilingus, and even less often was it done well.

But her face is pressed into a mattress and blankets that positively _reek_ of Ben. She buries her nose further, the smell of him alone enough to make a fresh wave of slick burst past Ben’s tongue. She expects him to pull away, but if anything, he’s pressing further, seeking out each drop her body releases. She groans against the bed, and she can feel the satisfaction burning in him.

His finger circling her clit, and Rey feels her hips begin to move of their own accord as she chases the pleasure he thrusts upon her. She begins to feel the stirrings of an orgasm flutter as she feels everything and yet nothing. His hair brushing against her skin, the heat of his breath, and his indecent sounds feasting on her...and yet, she can scarcely taste the air in her own lungs. It’s all Ben, and nothing else.

He trades from fingers to tongue in a dance that has her balancing on the edge, and her legs begin to shake from the impending crash and the effort of arching herself just so. The orgasm is just there, just beyond her reach. She just needs him to do a bit more. She just needs….

There. _There._ Oh god... _there_.

Ben’s tongue presses firmly against her clit, no longer the teasing brushes of before. And Rey shatters, her knees giving out just a bit as she lets her weight fall more firmly against the bed. Ben’s mouth doesn’t leave her, pushing the sensations on and through to prolong her pleasure as long as he can. It’s not until she’s flinching and trying to pull herself away from him that he finally relents, kissing up her spine with a chuckle.

“See what happens when you listen to me?” he laughs between the presses of his lips along her skin.

Rey mumbles something unintelligible against the blankets, which only makes Ben chuckle again.

“I’m going to fuck you now,” he whispers against his skin. “And I’ll remind you how much better things are when you listen to me.”

Was it just this morning since her pain had forced them into temporary celibacy? It seems like ages ago they showered together following that awful fight. But here they are. And she finds herself nodding against the blankets, dizzy and sedated and utterly devoted to Ben Solo’s every desire.

She feels Ben move to stand, senses him removing his clothes. She’s vaguely aware that she’s still mostly dressed, only her skirt bunched around her waist and her missing panties any evidence of their trist.

She doesn’t need to hear the tear of the foil packet to know that Ben’s putting on a condom as she’d requested last night. She knows he’s respectful of her wishes, knows he wouldn’t push something she’d set as a limit. It was the same reason she’d agreed to let him take his hand to her skin: she trusts him.

Ben eases inside her slowly, testing for any residual discomfort from this morning. There’s a slight twinge, but nothing like the ache she’d felt before. Her body is soft and ready for him, gripping him firmly rather than squeezing him out as it had before. He hisses, and Rey drags herself to her elbows so she can look back at him. One hand is on her hip, holding her steady while he pushes himself into her. The other is above his head, his forearm pressed against the ample space between his lower bunk and the one above it. His face is pulled together in concentration, his teeth sunken into a bottom lip Rey suddenly wants to sink her own teeth into.

“Fuck,” he grunts. “Is this okay? Shit, you’re still so tight,”

“Yes,” Rey says on a breath. “Yes. Please….”

Ben lets out a strangled sound when his hips brush against her ass, and he’s fully seated inside of her. Rey feels him still, hesitating as he tries to give her time to adjust. But she doesn’t need it thanks to his efforts, and she wiggles her hips to get him to move.

And when he does, Rey marvels at the way her body cries out for him. Every piece of her seems to suddenly vibrate for his will, tuned in to his frequency. The first time they’d been together, her omega had overwhelmed her. The second time they’d been together, the alcohol and dancing had set her up for a sloppy sort of desperation. But now, when she’s given the control over to him as both Rey and omega, things settle into perfect sync.

He drags against her walls as he withdraws, and Rey’s body instinctively tries to chase him. But his hand is firm at her hip, holding her in place as he nearly draws himself entirely out of her. Rey lets out a horrifying whimper, followed by a keen of delight when he plunges himself firmly back in.

“Again?” his voice is like melting gravel, and her cunt clenches in response.

“Yes,” she hisses. “Ben, just-”

He needs no further encouragement. Ben sets a punishing tempo, his body taking what hers gives. She rises up further, putting her weight on her hands and attempting to bring a knee up to the mattress to give his body better access to hers. She misses the first time, and growls out a low curse. She can feel Ben’s humor at her attempt, and he reaches down to grab the back of her knee and help her in her second try. She’s successful this time, and her instincts were right. The change of position makes him bottom out on his next stroke in, making them both let out a moan.

Ben pulls away just long enough to encourage her to flip, and then seizes the bends of her knees to draw her body to his again. He presses her legs back, allowing him to plunge as deeply now as he had before. The breaths sawing through her body are his, and each tremor of her skin and heartbeat are for him. Everything is Ben, and there’s not a piece of her soul that feels lonely in this moment that they lose themselves in each other.

Ben urges her to place a calf against his chest, and then his hand is between them. He presses against her clit, rolling beneath his thumb as he whispers his pleasure, gratitude, and everlasting worship until Rey is gasping and sighing his name. Before Ben, each orgasm had felt like a desperate chase. With Ben, it’s a wave racing toward her, unavoidable and awe-inspiring with its intensity. And when it crashes over her, Rey sweeps away along its current with nothing but Ben’s body to anchor her in place.

Ben’s quick to follow her, his knot catching as he grunts out her name. The swell prolongs her orgasm, her body greedily clenching down as it fills her. The rush flows from her center and out, flooding each piece of her body in rhythmic pulses leaving her breathless and sated. Ben’s body comes down just before hers, and he scoops her into his arms to maneuver them back onto the bunk in a feat of Olympic proportions. The movement causes his knot to tug, and they both groan as her body clenches again.

“Well,” Ben sighs as he situates them to lay on their sides with one of her legs hooked over his hip. “You’re still awake this time, so I’m not sure what to make of that.”

Rey lets out a snort. “If you’re fishing for compliments, you’ll find none you haven’t already received. I think I was more than vocal about my appreciation for your performance.”

Ben hums, bending to press a kiss to her damp forehead with a look of pure contentment. “I suppose you’re right.”

Rey pillows her head against the arm he’s stretched out in front of him, bending forward to press her nose to his chest’s skin. His smell gets better and better the longer she lays with him. The scent of their coupling combined with his unfiltered alpha smell nearly has her drooling. She feels herself give an involuntary clench at the thought, and Ben’s chest rumbles with a groan. She tilts her head back, and she’s greeted with eyes nearly black with pupils blown wide with lust. For her.

Ben suddenly reaches forward, stretching past her to a pouch sewn into the wall. He fumbles inside then pulls out a small satchel. He extracts a small vial, popping it open and immediately downing the contents. Rey catches a whiff like putrefying fish, and she gags. Ben grimaces as well, and she sees him force the swallow. He quickly seals the vial and tucks the pouch away again.

“Sorry,” he gasps. “You being around has been...interesting. It’s been surprisingly easy to keep my cool for most of the night, but now...risking a rut outside your heat isn’t worth it.”

Rey blushes, bending forward to press herself back into his chest to avoid any further conversation about spending a heat with him. She feels her blood pressure rise with her temperature, and she prays to the omega goddesses that he doesn’t put her into her own premature hormone spike.

“Plus,” he adds with a hint of a laugh, “the others will be back soon, and I’d prefer to be unstuck by then. Which will be nearly impossible if you keep clamping down on me like that.”

Indeed, her body does keep pulsing against him at random, and she feels his knot flex as well each time in response.

“Well,” she says, pulling back to give him a smile. “Perhaps we’d better find some horrifying topic of discussion to keep us both distracted.”

Ben’s quiet for a moment, so long Rey begins to wonder if she said something wrong. But when Ben finally does speak, she understands the sudden pause in conversation.

“I could tell you about my family,” he says with a forced nonchalance that makes Rey’s blood grow cold. “That would certainly do the trick.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm curious for input on what everyone thinks for the pacing for this. I'd originally planned this to be a 15 chapter story and I haven't really added any material, but it's just taking longer to tell the story than I'd thought. Too fast?Too slow? Things will change up a bit when Rey goes home, but I'd love the feedback.
> 
> I'm on [Tumblr](https://simplyabbeycat.tumblr.com/) and [Twitter as well!](https://twitter.com/abbey_simply)


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys. Can I tell you that the last few weeks have been just...rough. I live in the midwest, and the derecho storm hit us hard. And my big girl job is in animal welfare, which means summers are always the worst emotionally for me. Combined with the usual stress, we've been dealing with some neglect cases lately that just sort of strangle your heart a bit. Between not having power in my house for almost a week, dealing with damage to our house, and just my own general anxiety with the world right now and compassion fatigue this time of year...I just didn't have the strength to interact with you guys. I had this chapter all set up to go when Sunday came around and I just...didn't log on to post it. It's so strange how you can miss something and yet have no energy for it at the same time.
> 
> But we're here, and we're moving forward. I'm lucky enough to have a great family, and the knowledge gifted to me by my colleagues to recognize when I need help. Thank you to everyone who was kind enough to reach out during the last few weeks, and those of you who left kind reviews. I appreciate your words more than you'll know. If anyone ever needs to talk, I'm here. Always.
> 
> Now. Enough blubbering on about me. I hope you enjoy this next chapter! This is our last one before they part ways for the time being, so I hope it's a good way to send them out. I tried to write Ben's jealous/possessive moments as true to character while respecting Rey. I hope that pulls through!

[ ](https://imgur.com/U3PRu2n)

**Song Inspiration: "Wake Up" by Black Veil Brides**

Rey flinches. "No, Ben. You made it pretty clear this morning that the topic of your family is off-limits."

Ben sighs, reaching down to run his fingers through her hair. She can already tell his scent is changing, diluting, and shifting. She mourns its loss already, and she fights off the urge to press her nose against his scent gland to chase it down before it fades to its muted version.

"That's all the more reason I should talk about them," he explains. "I want this to work, Rey."

"We have time, Ben," Rey asserts. "Don't force it. It's been four months, but... we've only spent three days together."

"I'm not forcing anything," he retorts. "It's always going to be this...rock between us. And I'm not letting anything come between us again. Not now."

Rey shakes her head. "It's not going to come between us. You can tell me when you're ready. There's no need-"

"My mom is a senator, and she disowned me when I wouldn't let her drug me into submission." Ben blurts. "And then my uncle had me arrested for attempted murder."

Rey blinks, the words barely registering at first with the way he verbally hurls them at her. And then they slowly do, leaching into fingers and toes until they spread to wrap around her heart in an icy grip. Rey expected some sort of distasteful family drama, but this?

"Holy shit," Rey breathes.

Ben lets out a wry laugh. "Yeah."

"Holy shit," Rey repeats, louder this time. "Ben, what the fuck?"

Ben groans, closing his eyes and bending to press his forehead to the top of her head. "It's a long story," he says into her hair.

"I think we have a bit of time," she replies, giving a small wriggle to remind him of their joining. "And you can't just say something like that without providing some sort of explanation."

Pain. Rey can feel it scraping and burning in her chest, wrapped in guilt and a sense of abandonment so deep it nearly undoes her. It's coming from Ben, and she feels tears already pricking at her eyes.

"My mom is an alpha," Ben explains in low tones. "My uncle too. They're twins, actually. My grandfather was an alpha, too, with an omega mate. It's the sort of thing that runs in our family, but no one likes to talk about it. My grandfather was adopted, so we don't know much about our family lineage. But being an alpha is just expected in my family."

"That must have put a lot of pressure on you," Rey says softly. "A lot to live up to, I imagine."

Ben's lips purse. "My grandfather was a legend in the air force. He was one of the best pilots in decades. But he got written up a lot for going off his blockers. He said it made him a better pilot, but they also said it made him too impulsive. He got all but one of his squad members killed on a mission, and he was medically discharged after barely making it out himself. He spent the rest of his life in a wheelchair."

"So not a glamorous legacy, then."

Ben shakes his head. "Not at all. My mom and uncle are weird about being alphas. They do a lot of meditation and martial arts to keep themselves under control. They're freakishly in control of themselves, to the point they both barely need blockers anymore beyond just helping mask their scents. It worked for them, and they thought it would work for me too. I think they were all hoping I'd be a beta like my dad, but nothing was looking that way as I got older. My mom was too busy running the political track when I got close to presenting age, so she sent me to live with Uncle Luke for a summer. She thought it would be good for me."

Rey can practically taste the bitterness in his words. "I'm guessing things went poorly?"

Ben sighs, saying nothing for a moment as he bends forward to press his nose briefly into her hair. He takes a few breaths, then continues.

"Things _were_ good, for a while anyway. I really loved Luke. He was a good role model. Kind and patient, but firm with his expectations. But it always seemed like he was waiting for a shoe to drop...and when I presented as an alpha, it did. His demeanor toward me changed after that. He was warier around me, and I felt myself starting to resent him. I started to feel out of control, my emotions swinging from elation to despair at the drop of a hat. And my anger was...harder to control than it had been before. And it got worse. Eventually, they decided to put me on my blockers, even though it was still a few years before the standard age. My mother was pretty insistent about it, and I remember crying to Luke about how dull and unhappy I felt on them. He brushed me off, and I don't think I've ever felt so isolated."

"They put you on blockers because you were _angry_?" Rey scoffs. "They know you were a teenage boy, right? Doesn't getting upset just sort of come with the testosterone?"

Ben shrugs. "You'd think so. My mom and dad were terrified of me turning out like my grandpa. That kind of anger...it was pretty intense. He was always in fights, always getting in trouble because he couldn't control himself. My dad is a beta, so he deferred to her a lot about how to handle me. They decided to just throw me on the strongest blockers they could get their hands on. I found out later it was Luke that pushed them into it."

"Why did Luke get a say?" Rey asks, bristling. "He's your uncle. Not a parent."

"Luke struggled at first too," Ben huffs. "But he mastered himself pretty quickly early on. Being an alpha is usually easier for females, so my mom didn't have a lot to compare my behavior to besides what she saw from Luke."

"You sound pretty forgiving about the blockers," Rey says, tilting her head in confusion. "So, where did things go wrong?"

Ben sighs, closing his eyes again. Rey can feel the tension radiating off him, pulsing and rolling beneath the surface of his skin. She reaches forward to place one hand on the side of his face to cup his cheek gently. He immediately turns toward her, pressing his nose into her skin. She feels him shudder, then he continues on.

"I found out that music helped. My mom threw me into guitar lessons as soon as I mentioned. I think she was relieved that I found a non-violent hobby. It gave me an outlet, and I think she was right to have encouraged it. I met Poe in college and found out he was a singer, and we found a few other people interested in music. We called ourselves' The Resistance,' and we played a few gigs in town when we could. One of the nights of our shows, I forgot to take my blockers and...Rey, when I tell you I've never felt so alive in years…. It was like I could breathe again. There was this thick, oppressive blanket covering me my entire adulthood that had been lifted away."

"I can't imagine how that must have felt," Rey says softly.

She's never given much thought to the plight of alphas. They don't have to bend to their heats, and they aren't viewed as delicate baby machines. Their most significant issues usually revolve around their intensity in everything they do, which most people see as a virtue. It had never occurred to her what the side effects of that could be.

Ben's brows pull together as he looks down at her. Rey can feel his knot starting to deflate, and she reaches forward to pull him closer. It feels like there's a veil encasing them that will vanish the instant they're no longer bound together. She can feel the moment starting to crackle and splinter, and she itches to knit it back together—burning questions since that morning in the hotel room echo in her ears, demanding to be spoken.

"Once I learned what it was like off of them, I was determined never to go back. My mom and I fought a lot after that night. I was in love with music, _my_ music, and how people looked at me when we performed. I started getting tattoos and growing my hair out, and she nearly had a heart attack the day I showed up to one of her luncheons with an eyebrow piercing. She was always so worried about what people would think of the Solo family when they saw me."

"Feel free to tell your mother the next time you see her that I quite like the tattoos and piercings."

Ben laughs, and Rey can't help but let her tips tug up at the corners as the sound washes over her. He's been radiating a gloomy mist since he started talking about his family, and it's a relief to feel that split second spark of joy burst through the clouds.

"I haven't spoken to her in almost four years," he says, "But I'll be sure to mention it to her the next time I see her."

Four years. Four years without speaking to his mother. There was a time Rey would have given anything to see her mother's face and even know what it looked like. To think Ben voluntarily chooses to go without a family when it's the only thing she'd wanted for so long... it's hard for her to wrap her head around.

"It wasn't just my mom who didn't like me going off my blockers," Ben says. "Poe and the others didn't agree with it either. I was manic off of them. I'd never felt more out of control or free in my life, and even the sudden bursts of anger weren't going to convince me to go back on them. They're all betas, and it was hard to get them to understand. Poe was the only one who even tried. Things started to get out of hand, and one night I got into it with them pretty good. Hennix and Voe didn't back down when they should have and…."

Ben stops. Rey can feel the panic building in him, can feel the moment things begin to shatter around them. She feels him slip out of her, feels him start to retreat back inside himself. Her body gives a twitch as she experiences the intense urge to grab at him and pull the moment back to where it had been. But it's like holding a moonbeam in hand: impossible.

"I'm sorry," Ben gasps, reaching forward to card a hand through her hair. "I can't...fuck. Is it okay if we stop there for tonight? I don't-"

"It's fine," Rey says in a rush, a shattering sensation inching through each bone in her body. As much as she wants to ask him to continue, she knows the pain she feels is from him. "We have plenty of time for you to tell me more another day."

"Six months," Ben sighs, leaning forward to kiss the tip of her nose.

Rey feels as though the words should be hopeful. But the way Ben says it, it seems like a finish line with a guillotine looming overhead.

\--

Ben shows Rey the small bathroom on the bus, and both their cheeks turn a bit pink when he explains that the toilet can't handle...ahem…. _solids_. The bus does have a shower, but Ben explains that the water isn't supposed to be run for a prolonged time. Rey wraps her hair into a messy high bun as Ben wets their washcloths in the sink to get ready for the shower. They let the water run over them just enough to get themselves wet, then turn it off and soap up with the small tube of Ben's shower gel that he'd grabbed from the cabinet. They laugh as they go, rubbing their washcloths over themselves while knocking elbows and knees together in the tiny cubical. Then the water goes back on for a few seconds to hastily rinse off, and they're done.

It's the fastest and funniest shower she's taken in her life.

Ben dunks out for a moment and returns to the bathroom dressed in a pair of gym shorts and a fitted Knights of Ren shirt. He hands Rey her bag and steps out to give her a moment. She quickly applies her deodorant and washes her face, then slips on a pair of plaid pajama pants and a grey tank top.

Which, based on his scowl, Ben does not approve of. He gives her chest a look that is simultaneously appreciative and disapproving, but he's smart enough to not say anything. Rey raises an eyebrow at him, and he gives her a challenging look in return.

"Go ahead and say it," Rey sighs as she throws her bag on his bunk. "I can feel you about to burst."

"The others will be back any second," he huffs. "And your nipples...dammit. I'm not that guy. It's up to them to control their eyes, not you. But...fuck."

"You want me to cover up?" Rey asks with a teasing smirk. She crosses her arms across the offending body parts, then says, "See? I can just cover up like this."

It's oddly charming to discover that there's a vein in Ben's forehead that makes an appearance when he's fighting back his alpha instincts. Rey nearly caves and cuts him a break, but it's just too intoxicating to poke at him a bit more. Who knew she'd enjoy antagonizing him so much?

"Brat," Ben huffs. "If you want me to spank you so badly, you could just ask."

How is it possible that she's already aching for him again?

He smirks when her response to his words reaches his nose. "Hm. You're an interesting creature, Rey Niima."

Voices suddenly carry from outside the bus, and Rey realizes the others are returning. She glances toward the bus door, then back to Ben. Panic grips her. She hadn't thought much about her attire until he'd mentioned it, but now….

"Fine," Rey huffs, heading toward her bag. "Now that you've made me self-conscious about it."

"Not my intent," Ben says with a triumphant smirk. "But let me help."

He pulls open a drawer below his bunk and pulls out one of his own shirts. It's another Knights of Ren merch shirt, with a skeleton queen holding a burning flame between boney fingers. He holds it out to her, and Rey only hesitates a moment before accepting it. She pulls it on over her tank top, and her reward for obedience is the cloud of Ben's scent that settles around her. It's not nearly as potent as the source, but it's enough to make her omega burst forward from her chest in the form of a small, low purr.

"Rey," Ben murmurs, pulling her into his arms to engulf her in a hug. She's surprised to feel his chest rumble against hers too, both of them letting off the barest hint of a purr to each other. "I love the way you respond to me. Everything about you is perfection."

His words should be reassuring, but they spark a bubbling pit of sludge in her stomach. Because Ben has no idea what he's saying. He's been living on his fantasies the past four months, his alpha now responding to the fact that their half-way claimed omega is present. And she can't shake the feeling that the next six months are going to shatter his delusions.

"Alright," comes Poe's voice as the bus door creaks open. "I drew the short straw, so this is me coming to check that the coast is clear. Everyone clothed?"

"Grow the fuck up, Poe," Ben snarls as he strides toward the living area. "Give me some credit."

"Don't pull that shit with me," Poe retorts after giving the others the all-clear. "The last time we walked into this bus with you two on it, I got myself quite the show."

Ben doesn't deign to respond, instead throwing a salacious grin at Rey as he plops down on one of the couch-like wall benches. He gestures to her to join him, but she hesitates for a moment. Cheeks flaming, Rey's suddenly absolutely mortified to be on this bus with his bandmates just after Ben's taken her bent over his bed. But Poe's nonchalance, combined with Hux and Phasma's complete indifference, gives her a measure of relief. She slowly lets herself fall to the bench beside Ben, and he casually drapes an arm around her shoulder.

And then Rey smells it.

"Food," she sighs without thinking, watching Poe set down the black plastic bags on the kitchenette's small counter. Rey's grown rather attached to Ben's smell over the last 24 hours, but right now, she'd probably forego it for another whiff of what she suspects to be french fries. "Oh god, is that for us?"

The resounding laughter of the other bus occupants catches her off guard. Even Hux is having problems fighting off a smile. Poe's shoulders shake with mirth as he pulls a cardboard to-go box from inside the bag and hands it directly to her.

"I had them leave the toppings on the side so you could customize it yourself," Poe says with a wide grin. "I hope beef is okay."

Rey pops open the lid, and she discovers she was wrong. It wasn't french fries she smelled, but rather three beautifully fried flour tortillas. Tacos. Her mouth immediately waters.

"Thank you," Rey says, looking back up to Poe with a smile. "What do I owe you?"

Poe throws his hand at her in a dismissive gesture. "I'll put it on Ben's tab."

Rey should feel guilty about this, but instead, she finds it comical. She glances up at Ben and gives him a full, precocious smile. He raises an eyebrow at her and she winks, making his stern expression fall apart entirely.

Poe deposits a box on Ben's lap as well, and the two eat while the others chat about the evening's show. The driver comes on to speak with them and lets them know they'll be taking off in a few minutes. By the time the bus starts moving, Poe and Phasma have booted up the Playstation and are engrossed in a shooter game that they both scream at each other over. Hux has retreated to a corner with a crossword puzzle and throws them disapproving stares every so often.

Ben collects the remnants of their midnight meal once they're done, and he surprises Rey by reappearing a few minutes later with each of their notebooks. He hands her the journal and pen without a word, and she can nearly feel her heart scream with gratitude and a sense of desire that feels less physical and more soul-deep. Ben merely gives her an easy half-smile and then settles beside her to work on his own decompression method.

By the time Rey finishes writing down the rest of the events since the plane, her eyes can barely hold themselves open. The others are winding down as well, and Ben announces their intent to head to bed. Phasma pops up to the driver's area for a moment, then everyone slowly begins to trudge toward the bunks. The other three take each of their turns in the bathroom as Rey and Ben settle in his bed, and slowly the lights begin to switch off one by one.

Rey's climbed in first at Ben's request, his alpha instincts insisting he lay on the outside to serve as a guard. It's a testament to her own instincts that she indulges rather than arguing, shuffling in to make as much room for him as possible. He reaches over her to press a small button on the wall, which eases across a sheer curtain across the bunk's edge to give them some privacy.

"How do you do this?" Rey asks as she watches Ben struggle to adjust his legs to fit appropriately. "Even without me here, this has to be difficult."

"It's not ideal," Ben says, encouraging her to roll over to press her back against his chest. "But it's part of the deal. We'll get to the next place at 8:30, and we have a few hotel rooms booked for the day. We can catch a few more hours of sleep on a real bed, then take a real shower."

"That sounds lovely," Rey says around a yawn. "Do you guys all share one?"

Ben shakes his head. "They usually book a couple for us. Some of the crew change off, a few flying in every week when some head home for a break. They usually have two rooms for us and two for the crew to share. The other band books a couple rooms too for their guys."

"I keep forgetting you have another band traveling with you."

Ben apologizes softly. "I know I sort of kept you to myself. I'll introduce you to them tomorrow."

"'S fine," Rey murmurs as her eyelids flutter. "Busy day."

"Get some sleep, omega," he commands softly, pulling her closer to him and burying his face in her neck.

And for being curled up in a box on a moving bus, she does sleep surprisingly well.

\--

"If I'd known there'd be sunbathing opportunities, I would have brought a bikini."

A low growl from beside her makes a corner of her mouth twitch.

"Your current attire is frustrating enough."

Rey's lips bloom into a full smile as her ears catch Ben's barely contained snarl. She'd dressed for a festival in late August with a black cropped top and dark washed denim shorts. It's what she would have worn on any other hot day, and Ben's dressed no less mouthwatering. It'd been incredible to watch him strut the stage in his ripped black tank top and shorts. Watching the sweat drip down his bare biceps...it had nearly been enough to soak through the scrap of denim between her legs.

"Is it really necessary to antagonize him?" Phasma snaps. "He's finally settling."

Rey cracks one eye up to peer at Ben, whose brows are pulled together in a mild expression of annoyance. They'd performed a few hours ago, and Ben had taken her back to the bus and eaten her to two orgasms before plunging into her. His eyes had been nearly devoured by his pupils by the time he'd choked down his blockers.

In the dimming light of the setting sun, she'd expected to see him a bit more relaxed. His blockers should be taking the edge off, and he's been preening all afternoon since she put her hair up. Having her mating mark on display makes her nervous, but Ben had purred up a storm when she'd had to give in to the late August heat and pop her hair in a ponytail holder. If she hadn't had a mental bridge to his emotions, she would have been more confused about the cloud looming over his head. But not only does she feel it radiating off of him, she feels it tugging at her too.

Frustration. Sadness. Nervousness.

Tonight is their last night together. They'll ride the bus to their next city tonight, and in the late morning, Ben's putting her on a plane back home.

Their two bands are relaxing on a few blankets stretched out on the grass behind the two stages set up for the festival, drinking beer and laughing as the sun approaches the horizon. Ben's been plucking away at his guitar, humming under his breath with a tune she can't quite make out. Poe and Phasma bicker and laugh with a few crew members while Hux has been sprawled out on his own blanket away from the others and reading his book. It's peaceful and chaotic, and Rey can already feel the tears pricking the corners of her eyes at the thought of leaving this all behind.

Ben turns to her, frowning at whatever face he sees there. He gives her a goofy smile, and she laughs as she brings up her camera to shoot a photo of his face. He bends closer, pressing his hands against his face to smoosh it for another shot. She laughs, and he takes the camera from her to make more ridiculous faces as he snaps photo after photo of himself. Rey giggles and reaches for the camera and he holds it away with a teasing smile.

"Ren. Get it together. M&G time."

Rey's nose wrinkles in distaste as she hears a clipped female voice she recognizes. Glancing up, she sees Bazine standing over them, arms crossed over her chest.

Ben huffs, then leans over from where he's been sitting beside her to place a kiss on her cheek. "We'll only be a bit. An hour, at most."

"Rey can come," Bazine says with a sniff, striding away.

Ben smiles, and she can feel a bit of relief ebb into her emotions. But Rey can't help her own feeling of dread settling in her stomach. Bazine seemed a bit too quick to insist Rey accompany them after the way she'd behaved last night.

Launching himself to his feet, Ben reaches out a hand toward her. Her leather cuff's still clipped there from when she'd given it to him before the show, and the sight of it there makes her heart clench in a maelstrom of bittersweet feelings. It makes her happy to see it there. For now. But what will he have when she's gone? And what will she have when the necklace between her breasts is hundreds of miles away with him?

Ben leads her and the others toward a small shaded tent where a group of security men stands. A simple black backdrop hangs from the tent's backside with the Knights of Ren logo emblazoned in the center, and a camera crew is set up opposite of it to take photos.

"Wait here?" Ben asks as he hands her one of the bottled waters the staff hand out.

"I'll be right here watching," Rey agrees. Ben gives her another kiss on the cheek, then moves to stand next to Poe between Hux and Phasma.

Rey sits in a plastic chair to one side as a group of mostly women are led to the tent. They're all in various stages of undress, and Rey's nose wrinkles as the array of smells radiating off them. She's horrified to find that several scents that reach her nose are unsuppressed omegas, with one or two unblocked alphas mixed in. Bazine and Ben are two of the first intentionally unmasked and unmated omegas and alphas she's ever encountered. It's just...not something people do. So it's shocking to see it happening again, and clearly as a move to get attention.

Something Ben said the night they met echos in her ears.

_"You're not the first omega to show up at my feet off suppressants and trying to catch my attention"_

And as the first girl reaches them, eyes wide and chest heaving as they get closer to the band, Rey feels a sick sensation twist in her gut. And when she sees a girl put her hand on Ben's bicep, she feels a low growl bubble from her chest.

"It's good for you to see this," Bazine says as she comes striding up to Rey with a victorious smirk smeared on her face. "To see what things are like when you're not glued to his side like a puppy. It will always be like this. There will always be other people who want him. Other temptations."

"Snake," Rey mutters. "Why do you care so much?"

"Because I've seen enough girls like you to last me a lifetime."

Rey's startled to see not a hint of a lie in Bazine's eyes. The pit in her stomach gurgles unpleasantly as the acrid feeling spreads.

"Girls who think Kylo wants them," Bazine continues. "Girls who see the fame and the alpha persona and think he'll want them if they just let him smell them. But Kylo's a selfish bastard, and it's about time I pulled the veil from over your eyes."

_Selfish?_

That word shattered the whole illusion Bazine has concocted. Because Ben's been anything but selfish with her. Rey turns her eyes to glance back toward Ben to see he's giving a fan a polite smile as he puts them back at arm's distance to let Poe and Phasma greet them as well. They pose for a picture, and she sees Ben give the bracelet as his wrist a brush of the fingers before he glances up and gives Rey a charming smile.

Yes. Bazine is a liar.

"You're toxic," Rey spits. "And I won't be listening to another word of what you have to say."

"Think what you want," Bazine chides, "But don't say I didn't warn you."

Rey throws Bazine a filthy look, which makes the hateful woman's eyes narrow. But Bazine doesn't say anything else, merely striding away to speak with another member of the staff.

Rey forces herself to ignore Bazine's presence the rest of the time during the meet and greet, and she lets out a breath she didn't realize she was holding when the last of the fans are ushered away. Ben doesn't waste another breath, striding over and pulling her into his arms again.

And the smell that comes with him nearly makes her ill. The scents of dozens of other people, including unfiltered omegas, assaults her senses. Rey rips herself away, nose wrinkled as she puts a hand over her mouth and nose. Her omega side rises, screaming and snarling at the evidence of omegas other than herself spreading their stench on what's hers.

_Hers._

A primitive part of her curses at the fact she hadn't bitten him yesterday like she should have.

"Sorry," Ben mutters. He reaches down, grabbing the hem of his tank top and ripping it over his head. He passes it to a small beta male who pales as the sight of Ben's bare chest. "Get this added to the wash bin, please."

The man takes the shirt and skitters away, making Rey chuckle. Ben shakes his head, reaching to pull her into his arms again. It's not as intense this time, but the smell is still there. She pulls her face from him, hating that she can't enjoy the scent she's become so addicted to these last few days.

"Sorry," Ben apologizes with a grimace. "Let's gather everyone up and get back to the bus. We can shower at the hotel before we go."

Rey nods, pulling away to take his hand instead.

"Other than that," Ben says, bending down to peer at her with a smile, "Have you had a good time?"

Rey considers his question. "It's been...interesting. But, good. Yes."

Ben sighs. "Fuck. I'm not ready for tomorrow to be here."

"Yeah," Rey says. She drops her head to watch her shoes kick at the sparse grass beneath their shoes as she adds, "It's going to hurt like a bitch."

And the time seems to only pass faster the closer they approach the impending dawn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let the long-distance pining begin!
> 
> I'm on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/abbey_simply) and [Tumblr](https://simplyabbeycat.tumblr.com/) and where I post about my stories, my fandoms, and my strange thoughts that I don't really need to share but I do anyway.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Darling friends. I'm sorry for the delay. I hope this chapter makes up for it. I know we've all been anticipating/dreading the angst of their separation. I hope this lives up to expectations. They are...not okay. But coping. I hope you can feel the feelings without this getting too painful.
> 
> I had a bit of fun trying out a text message skin for this. I've provided some hidden text to help those of you reading outside of the AO3 website, but you'll still be best served reading on the website directly. I'll post notices like this if the chapter contains special formatting.
> 
> Enjoy :)

[ ](https://imgur.com/MTjlfZS)

**Song Inspiration: "Miles Away" by Memphis May Fire feat. Kellin Quinn**

“You sure you’ll be okay?”

“Yes,” Rey sighs in answer to the sixth time Ben has now asked that question. “I’ll be okay. As long as the passenger next to me doesn’t mind me nearly squeezing their fingers off during takeoff.”

She says the last part to tease him, but his face draws into a deeper scowl as a growl rumbles through his chest.

“I should have booked a ticket to come with you,” he huffs. “Then I would know you made it there safely.”

“And that would have been a waste of money,” Rey sighs. “Especially considering you won’t let me pay for my tickets.”

“You’ll let me know when you make it through security?” Ben asks, brushing past her statement as he has every other time she’s brought up repayment. “And when you board?”

“And when I land,” Rey says in agreement.

Ben reaches for her, pulling her toward him in a fierce hug. “Fuck. This is impossible. I’m going to miss you, Rey.”

Something bursts like a bubble in Rey’s chest, and suddenly her eyes are stinging. A tear escapes and etches its path down her cheek, and she reaches up to fiercely wipe at it. She will not cry over this man. And especially not in public.

“Hey,” Ben says, pulling away to look down at her. He cups her cheek in his hand, tilting her head to look up at him. His own eyes look a bit misty as he asks a question that catches her off guard. “When’s your next heat?

“What?” she squeaks, the question so startling that the tears stop brimming at her eyes.

“Your heat,” he blurts. “You’d just had one before we met. And that was four months ago. So your next one…”

“Oh,” Rey says. Then, as the implications behind his question settle over her, she feels a solid thump in her chest. “ _Oh_.”

“I mean,” Ben says, reaching up to run his fingers through his hair nervously. “If that’s okay-”

“Let me check,” Rey says, thrusting a hand into her pocket. She pulls out her phone and clicks open her tracking app. The calendar lights up over a week two months from now.

“Oh,” Ben says, body deflating. “We already have a few interviews that week for a new album promo, I can’t get away. But the next week-”

“I’ll talk to my doctor,” Rey asserts, sticking her phone back in her pocket. “I can get a few emergency doses to hold it off until you can get there.”

Ben’s face bursts into a wide smile as he wraps his arms around her, lifting her into a hug. “I’ll be there. See if you can get it so we can have a day to just be together before it starts.”

“Okay,” Rey says with a sigh. “That would be good.”

Ben sets her back on her feet but doesn’t release her. Rey cranes her neck to look up at him and finds him staring at her with a soft expression.

“Two months,” Ben breathes. “We can handle that.”

The tears are back. And Rey realizes it’s not just her own emotions causing them, but his as well. He hates this as much as she does, and she feels the tears start to fall again.

“I’m going to miss you too, Ben,” Rey gasps. “Dammit. It’s not supposed to be like this. _You_ weren’t supposed to be like this.”

Ben laughs, reaching a hand down to trace one inked finger down her cheek to catch a falling tear. “I’m not sorry, Rey.”

“Stop being the perfect romantic male lead,” Rey teases, trying to bring humor back into their bubble in an attempt to stop her tears again. “It’s cheesy.”

Ben bends, pressing his lips against hers in a sweet kiss. “You like it,” he murmurs against her lips with a smirk.

Rey hums, a purr rumbling in her chest that Ben echos before releasing her. He takes her hand, pulling her toward the escalator. She begrudgingly follows, and when they reach the base of the escalator, it feels as though she’s slowly depositing piece after piece of her heart into Ben’s hands, ready to watch him walk away with them.

He hands her the duffle bag he’s carried in for her, and she focuses a bit too long on getting it settled on her shoulder to stretch out the moment. But time is passing too quickly, and if she dawdles much longer, she’ll risk missing her flight.

“Two months, Rey,” Ben says with a sigh. “We can do this.”

Rey doesn’t respond, instead going up on her tiptoes to press one last kiss to his lips. She tastes salt and realizes the tears are still flowing down her cheeks. She sighs and forces herself to take a step backward. And as her lips leave his, her feet reach the first step of the escalator. She forces herself to turn and place a hand on the railing, her gaze yanked away from his. And she almost manages to make it all the way up without looking back. Almost. But as she reaches the top, she turns back to see he’s still standing there at the bottom, off to the side to let other passengers pass. And he’s staring at her with a look saying he’s as broken up about this as she is. And the last feeling she catches from him is one of promise and despair before she’s forced to step off the escalator and into the painful future she’s forced to go through without him.

\--

“Okay, but I need to ask the thing we know we’re all wondering. Is a knot really as good as they all say it is?”

“ _Kaydel!_ ”

Kaydel and Rose are sprawled on the rug on her living room floor, and all three of them are sufficiently wine-drunk at this point. Finn had nearly stormed her door yesterday morning before work to see with his own eyes that she was okay, and he’d been rather put out when she’d told him she was having a girls night tonight.

“So much for being best friends,” he’d huffed.

But a night with Rose and Kaydel had been just what she’d needed. Because the last 48 hours have been hell.

“What?” Kaydel retorts. “I have questions, Miss Tico. And your delicate manners will just have to get over it.”

Rey snorts, taking another sip of her glass. The movement makes the shirt clinging to her skin shift, sending a fresh wave of Ben’s smell over her. It’s both soothing and agonizing. She can feel the mating gland on the back of her neck burn and swell, her body screaming for the alpha that owns it.

When she’d returned home Monday evening, tired and emotional and completely drained, unpacking her suitcase had given her a small comfort. Because inside was a tightly sealed ziplock bag with a note taped on top.

She’d cried for half an hour while holding one of his shirts.

Rey’s had obsessions before. It’s part of the mental illness she’s had to work through with Dr. Kanata. But this..this feels like a _real_ addiction, with a withdrawal period to boot. She’d felt ripped up and wrecked the whole rest of the night, and she’d scolded herself for acting like an emotionally unstable teenager missing their first boyfriend. But she’s grown enamored with the stupid man, and nothing has ever felt as good as being with him.

She’d booked an emergency session with Dr. Kanata the next day, and she’d nearly sobbed in relief at the sight of the woman’s kind face after the brutal day at work. And she’d felt better the next day, even willing to take Kaydel and Rose up on their offer of a girls night to rehash her weekend away.

“It’s..indescribable,” Rey murmurs to her anxiously waiting friends. “I’m not sure if it’s like that with every alpha or if it’s just Ben.”

“I’m usually grateful to be a beta,” Kaydel sighs. “But sometimes...sometimes I wonder….”

“You could try it,” Rose snorts. “Betas can take knots too.”

“But it’s not the same,” Kaydel sighs, flopping back on the rug to stare at the ceiling. “I’ve tried, believe you me. And it was fucking uncomfortable, downright painful. Completely ruined any chance of a repeat performance that night. Or, frankly, the rest of the weekend. Nowhere near the life-altering experience all you omegas whine on about.”

Life-altering indeed.

Rey and Dr. Kanata had argued this same thing during her session. Rey’s fears were based on the fact that everything about her feelings for Ben were wrapped up in sex. And, even worse, that her attachment to him was more about the bite on her neck than it was any actual feelings she had for him.

“Then have the bite removed,” Dr. Kanata had challenged. She’d given Rey a firm stare, daring her to disagree. “Then, see what happens.”

The thought had made Rey’s stomach roll.

“Rey,” Dr. Kanata had continued on, more gently this time. “You have spent most of your life keeping people at bay. This man has forced himself into it despite your best attempts to run away. He’s pushed past your walls, and you’ve let him.”

“It’s like a disease,” Rey had huffed. “Breathing feels harder now that I’m not with him. Everything _hurts_ in this strange way I’ve never felt before. And he has his own demons. Is it really right for one sick person to be with another? Isn’t the saying that two wrongs don’t make a right?”

“Except you’re not _wrong_ ,” Dr. Kanata had retorted. “You’re two people with some trauma in your pasts that can work through it together. You told me he started to talk about it with you. Maybe instead of breaking each other, you can heal each other.”

Rey hasn’t been able to get the words out of her head since.

“Fuck,” Rose sighs, glancing at the smartwatch on her wrist. “My mom’s calling me. And at this time of night, that usually means she’ll end up crying about Paige.”

“Ignore it,” Kaydel insists. “You can’t be her shoulder to cry on all the time. It’s not healthy for you.”

Rose shakes her head. “It’s not that simple. I’d better go.”

Kaydel grumbles but agrees that she’d better get going too, and offers to share an Uber home with Rose. They both deposit their empty glasses in her sink, and Rey follows them to her door to lock up behind them. They wish each other goodnight, then Rey returns to the sofa and the phone waiting there innocently for her. She pulls up her messages and sees the last one Ben had sent her.

Ben Solo   
  
**Today** 7:27 PM   
**Ben:** Let me know when they're gone.

She smiles and sends him a message.

Ben Solo  
  
 **Today** 7:27 PM  
Let me know when they're gone. **Today** 9:56 PM  
 **Rey:** They just left. Are you on stage?

She waits for his response. Three grey dots appear for a split second, then disappear. Rey frowns, but then her phone starts buzzing with a message that makes her smile.

Rey’s not sure if it’s his name or the ridiculous photo she’d set as his profile picture that makes her heart leap more. She takes a deep breath, then presses the accept button.

“ _Baby._ ”

His voice, even through the small speaker of her phone, makes her heart leap.

“Hi,” she breathes, a smile blooming. “Have you gone on yet?”

“No,” Ben huffs. His face is drawn in annoyance, and Rey can tell the blockers are almost completely out of his system. “But I’ve only got about ten minutes.”

“Hm,” Rey teases, “Not enough for a digital quickie, then?”

Ben growls, and Rey’s blood quickens. “Don’t tease me, Omega. It’s fucking torture not having you here.”

“I miss you,” she sighs, falling to the side to drape herself across the couch cushions. “It’s even harder than I thought.”

“Two months,” he says dejectedly. “We can do this.”

“So you say,” Rey grunts as she throws her arm over her face. “But I’m not so sure.”

“Move your arm,” Ben commands. “I’ve missed your face. I don’t want to waste the time I have to see it by having you try to hide.”

Rey scoffs but moves the arm to give him a withering stare. “How is it you’re able to boss me around from hundreds of miles away?”

Ben chuckles. “Probably the same way you’re able to be a brat from that far away.”

Ben’s voice settles over her like morphine, soothing the raw and broken edges to make her feel a bit more functional. She drags the blanket off the back of the couch, letting herself imagine he’s holding her as she settles the phone in her palm.

“I was thinking,” Rey says slowly, “and feel free to say no if you want. I won’t be offended. But...would you like to come with me to meet my therapist when you come to visit?”

It was something Dr. Kanata had suggested amid their argument about the nature of Rey and Ben’s relationship, and Rey’s been mulling the idea over since. But it’s settled with her better now, and she’s starting to see the merit in the suggestion.

That doesn’t mean it’s necessarily _easy_ to ask.

“I’d...be honored, Rey,” Ben says in a voice of complete sincerity, face shifting from annoyance to pleased. “That’s...very brave of you to ask.”

Rey blushes. “It was Dr. Kanata’s idea. She thought it would be good to have a sort of mediator there. I’d like to tell you more about my life...from when I was younger, I mean. And if she’s there to help, I think it will come out better.”

“You don’t have to do that,” Ben insists, eyebrows drawing together. “I didn’t tell you about my family with the intent of reciprocation.”

“I know,” Rey says, rolling to her back and holding the phone over her face. “But I think it’s a good idea.”

Ben’s eyes unfocus as he seems to be considering something. Rey hates the fact that she can’t taste his emotions anymore. It wasn’t exactly mind-reading, but it was something she could use to test her own reactions to him.

“I don’t like that I can’t feel you from this far away.” Her voice is a whine, but she can’t help the disdain that colors her words. “It’s like talking to you with my eyes closed.”

Ben raises an eyebrow. “Feel me?”

“Your feelings,” Rey explains. “I can’t feel them when we’re this far away. It’s disarming.”

“Wait.” Ben’s face pales. “You can... _feel_ my emotions when we’re together.”

“Of course.” It’s Rey’s turn to be confused now. “I’m assuming it’s part of the bite. Can’t you feel mine?”

Ben shakes his head. “No. But that would certainly make things easier.” He stops, staring at her through the screen for a moment before adding, “Then I guess there’s the silver lining that this puts us on an even playing field. Even though I didn’t know I was playing with one hand behind my back. Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I thought you knew,” Rey says, sitting up. “It’s not the crazy mind-reading they talk about with some mating bonds, but it’s something. And I thought you could feel mine too.”

“You’re wearing my shirt,” Ben says in a drastic change of conversation, voice pitching lower as his eyes take in the bit of her body he can see with the change of angle. “Good.”

Rey lifts the shirt up to give it a sniff, and Ben’s smell assaults her senses. Combined with his voice and video on the screen, it’s enough to take the edge off missing him just a hair.

“I’ve worn one every day since I got home,” she explains sheepishly. “My coworkers think I’ve gone off the deep end. Alternative band shirts aren’t my usual thing.”

A wide grin splits Ben’s face. “It suits you. Tell them where to shove their opinions.”

Rey smiles back and opens her mouth to respond, but a loud bang on the other end of the phone stops her. Ben’s head whips around, and she nearly crawls through the phone when she sees Bazine standing there in the open doorway.

“Showtime, Kylo,” Bazine says, voice sugary sweet. “All set, babe?”

Rey snarls, and Ben turns back to give her a confused expression. Then understanding comes to him, and he gives her a cocky smile.

“Jealous, baby?”

“Don’t let her fucking touch you,” Rey growls. “She’s vile.”

“Fuck,” Ben breathes. “I rather enjoyed that. Why couldn’t you have acted like that while you were with me?”

“I’m not kidding, Ben.” Rey’s vision burns at the edges, and she hasn’t realized how unsettled she was being separated from him until now. “She touches you, and I’ll kill you both. And stop staring at me as if you’d like that.”

Ben reaches up to slide one hand through his hair, and he gives her a look that Rey can’t figure out. She curses her dependency on her bond with him, the ability to read what he feels. Because Ben’s full of indescribable expressions, but she’s had a window into those up until she left him at the airport.

Bazine says something else in the background, and Rey’s going to grow fangs and claws at any moment. Ben lets out a purring sound that only dims her anger a singular notch, and Rey lets out a huff.

“I’ll call you after the show,” he promises. “Will you be up?”

“I’ll wait up,” Rey replies, her voice coming out with more of a snap than she’d intended.

Ben gives her one last strange look, then disconnects the line.

\--

And he did that night. He did most nights, and they’d developed a routine. She’d FaceTime with him before the show and then, if he had time, he would call her. If not, he’d give her a heads up so she didn’t wait up.

Except tonight, three weeks into their two months in purgatory, she’s been waiting up for a promised phone call without a word. And when her phone finally does buzz, she nearly throws it across the room in frustration to see it’s a text from the man who’d said he’d call.

Ben Solo   
  
**Today** 1:47 AM   
**Ben:** We had a meet and greet tonight that ran long. We’re already on the bus. Can I call you tomorrow?

Rey’s eyes burn. It’s nearly 2:00am, and she’s been sitting in her bed trying to keep her mind from running away from her. Rey’s never given two shits about what someone else does, regardless of how it affects her. It’s how she’d coped with the abuse and managed every relationship in her life since. If you don’t let them in, they can’t hurt you. Finn had been the singular exception to that rule.

Until now.

And yet, somehow, Ben has done exactly what Dr. Kanata had said. He’s forced his way in, and he’s now wrapped around her like barbed wire. And one wrong move will send her to the floor in ribbons.

Ben Solo  
  
 **Today** 1:47 AM  
 **Ben:** We had a meet and greet tonight that ran long. We’re already on the bus. Can I call you tomorrow? **Rey:** I have meetings. All day. We've got a big band coming this weekend. Full house.

Ben’s reply is almost immediate.

Ben Solo  
  
 **Today** 1:47 AM  
 **Ben:** We had a meet and greet tonight that ran long. We’re already on the bus. Can I call you tomorrow? **Rey:** I have meetings. All day. We've got a big band coming this weekend. Full house.  
  
 **Ben:** Already looking for my replacement?

Fury rises in Rey. Fuck him for even saying it.

Ben Solo   
  
**Ben:** Already looking for my replacement?   
  
**Ben:** I'm kidding.   
  
**Rey:** Keep missing our phone dates, and maybe I will be.

It’s a childish response, but Rey’s feeling a bit raw today. If she’s honest, she’s felt raw for almost five months now.

Ben Solo   
  
**Rey:** Keep missing our phone dates, and maybe I will be.   
**Ben:** I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you. Do you have plans tomorrow night?

She wants to reply back and tell him that yes, she indeed does. Even though she doesn’t. Because she doesn’t want Ben thinking she’s moping around waiting for him to call.

Which she is.

Ben Solo   
  
**Ben:** I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you. Do you have plans tomorrow night?   
**Rey:** No.   
  
**Ben:** I have a hotel room tomorrow night. Maybe we can FaceTime with a movie? We can call it a proper date.   
  
**Rey:** You don't have to go overboard, Ben. Just let me know what's going on so I don't sit up waiting.   
  
**Ben:** Fair enough.

Rey sighs, throwing her head back on her pillow. If she thought not being able to read his emotions was hard, not hearing his voice is worse. How is she going to make it five more weeks?

Ben Solo   
  
**Ben:** Fair enough.   
**Rey:** A movie would be great.   
  
**Ben:** I miss you.   
  
**Rey:** I miss you too.   
  
**Ben:** Talk to you tomorrow?   
  
**Rey:** Tomorrow.

\--

Rey has a plan.

A plan Kaydel had been more than happy to help her shop for.

Ben should be calling any minute, so she hustles to finish lighting the last of the candles she’s placed around her room. She’s changed her sheets, switching the drab grey for a dark red that Kaydel had insisted would compliment her skin tone. Rose had trudged along in mortified silence but had spoken up in the lingerie section.

“Black,” she’d said. “And lace. It’s sexy, but in a classy way.”

Rose had been right. Rey had felt amazing as she’d slid on the bralette and matching panties she’d purchased yesterday afternoon. They’re both pure lace, with only a single strip of black fabric between her legs. The bra had a lace panel sewn in under her breasts stopping at about three inches above her belly button. She’d splurged on a garter belt and sheer black stockings as well, and the effect was a version of herself she didn’t recognize.

And she’d put her hair up too. Just like he prefers.

Rey’s just finished assembling a makeshift stand for her phone at the end of the bed out of some spare pillows when her phone starts to vibrate.

Rey positions herself in front of the phone, her legs tucked under her, sitting back just enough that he can see the majority of her face and torso. She takes a bracing breath, then reaches forward to press the accept button.

Her heart stops as she waits for the call to connect, then races ahead when his face comes into view.

Will the day ever come that seeing his face pop up on her phone doesn’t give her goosebumps?

“Hi Ben,” she says softly.

“Shit, Rey.” Ben’s mouth drops open as he takes in her choice of attire. She’d done a few tests with the lighting last night to make sure he’d still see her with the dimmed lighting.

“I thought I’d change things up tonight,” Rey says softly. “Since you’re in a hotel again.”

“This isn’t really helping me with the separation thing, sweetheart,” Ben croaks. “How am I supposed to survive not touching you when you look like that?”

“Hm,” Rey says, gliding her hand across her collarbone. “Maybe...you could tell me where I should be touched.”

Oh, that seems to just about do it. There’s a rustling on the other end, and she can see Ben shift on the other side of the screen. The camera blurs and shakes, then settles. Ben has propped his phone up on one side of his bed, and she’s thrilled at the opportunity to get to see more of him. But it’s still not enough.

“Your shirt,” she demands. “Take it off.”

Ben gives her a look that makes it seem as if he’s going to challenge her demand, but he surprises her by obeying. He pulls the shirt off, rustling his hair and putting his skin on display for her.

“I’d be running my fingers over your neck,” Ben says, voice deep and insistent. “Touch your glands. How do they feel?”

Rey slides her hands up to ghost gently over the scent glands just below each ear, which puff up and itch at her touch.

“Hot,” she murmurs. “And swollen.”

Ben makes an appreciative sound under his breath. “I’d kiss them, but I think you’ll find that difficult. Slide them down, to that collarbone you were touching before. How does your skin feel?”

Rey glides her hands to the requested piece of her, letting her fingers trail delicately over the flesh.

“Soft. Warm.”

Ben purrs. “That’s right, baby. Your skin is so soft for me. So sweet and fragrant. I could live on the scent of you alone.”

Rey makes a strange sort of high-pitched sound that makes Ben chuckle.

“That pretty little lace is hiding one of my favorite things,” he croons. “Move those cups down and show me your sweet tits, Rey.”

Rey obeys, hands moving to pull down the straps so they fall under her arms, the lace around her ribs holding the bralette just below the flesh now bared to his sight. She doesn’t wait for his command, moving her fingers to kneed them delicately. She lets out a low moan, and she can hear Ben curse on the other side.

“You’re such a good girl, omega,” he praises. “Put your finger and thumb in your mouth. Get them wet.”

She blindly does as he says, releasing one hand to bring her index finger and thumb to her mouth. She slides them between her lips, letting her tongue glide over each one until they’re both saturated with saliva.

“Good. Now, bring them to that pink little nipple that’s standing up for me. And pretend it’s my mouth on you.”

Rey does as he demands, reaching for the nipple that’s indeed peaked and waiting. She slides her wet fingers over it, twisting and pulling. And as the wetness cools on her flesh, a heat burns brighter and brighter in her center.

“Again.” Ben’s voice is ragged as he makes the command. “The other side now.”

The process is repeated, and Rey can’t help but let out a whimper as the other side slowly cools. It’s a pale comparison to the feeling she remembers of his mouth on her, but listening to him is a far cry better than the quiet nights on her own. She sighs out his name, and he lets out a rumble of approval.

“You look so perfect like this,” Ben grunts. “You’re perfection, Rey.”

She cries his name again, desperation wiggling its way into her voice. She’s barely touched herself and slick is already collecting in the scrap of fabric between her legs. She reaches for the shirt laying on the bed beside her, one of the newest ones he’d sent to replace the ones she’d mailed back. She brings it to her nose, inhaling his scent. And she can hear Ben curse again on the other side.

“I was wearing one of your shirts too, Rey,” he mumbles as he reaches for the recently discarded shirt to bring it to his nose as well. “It’s not the same, but it’s made things more bearable.”

“Ben,” she sobs. “God, this is so stupid. I miss you.”

“I miss you too, baby,” he agrees softly. “Trail one of those hands down. Slowly. I want you to make yourself _need_ it by the time you get there.”

“I already need it,” she insists, letting one hand skate over her abdomen's soft skin. But she follows his directive, making her progress painfully slow. Her hands reach the garter belt at her waist first, and she brushes past it until she reaches the lace of the panties she wears.

“How wet are you, Rey?” Ben asks, voice sounding more and more wrecked the further down she goes. “Tell me.”

“Soaked,” she chokes out, running one finger over the lace and down until it reaches the damp fabric. She’s already wet through it, and her slick is beginning to leak to the point her thighs are growing damp. “Ben, I’m so ready for you.”

She sees him shift, and she knows he’s dragging his own clothing down to bare himself.

“Take them off,” he commands. “Now.”

Rey scrambles, shifting on the bed to give herself better access to the clips she needs to remove. She unclips the straps of her garter belt, then reaches for the lace at her hips. She moves slowly, letting the fabric slowly drag down her legs before she discards them.

When she looks back at the camera, back at Ben, she sees his face is growing more intent, eyes darkened to a nearly full black as he takes her in. She pulls herself back to her previous position, then looks at him expectantly.

“Don’t move too fast,” he says. “Tease yourself first, like I would.”

She follows his orders, putting one hand on a breast while bringing the other to her aching cunt. He tells her to go gently at first, sliding a single finger down to rub soft circles against her clit. His words of praise have more slick falling from her, and he groans when he tells her he can see it glistening against her thighs. He keeps her like that for a while, touching herself so gently that she has to fight the urge to thrust her own fingers into herself.

And when he does finally tell her to plunge a finger inside, she can’t help the whimper that escapes her lips.

“That’s so good, baby,” he says, watching her pump one finger in and out.

When he moves to take himself in hand, she can see the moment his flesh makes contact with himself. His face changes, lips parting to drag breath in as he pleasures himself to the sight of her.

“Ben,” she pleads. “I want to see you too, please.”

He doesn’t respond other than to nod, and then the camera is shaking again. When it settles and he sits back, she can see he’s moved the phone away a bit and up toward his shoulders a bit more to give her a wider view of his body while still letting her see his face.

She’d...dear lord, how has she nearly forgotten what he _looked_ like?

Ben’s body is her idea of perfection. His body was built from action, and not from the act of simply bulking at the gym. His biceps are strong and his chest wide, and a few divots in his abdomen hint to the strength beneath. And his cock, proud and weeping for her, is matched perfectly to the large hand that now strokes it.

Rey’s ready to reveal her last surprise for him. She’d nearly thrown it aside and buried herself under the covers at the idea of showing him. But now, watching the way he desires her so proudly, she finds herself fumbling for it on the other side of her bed.

“Rey,” Ben groans when he sees what she has. “Fuck.”

Rey blushes, but she doesn’t try to push it away. It’s one of the dildos she uses for her heats, one with a wide base for sitting on the bed. One meant for mounting. She positions it in front of her, then looks up to Ben with a sheepish smile.

“Meet Big Ben,” she says with a laugh. “Funnily enough, I named him that before I met you.”

“Should I be jealous?” Ben asks, eying the dark purple silicone with a look of respect and surprise.

“Only if you feel inferior,” Rey teases. She drops her humor to add, “This guy is what gets me through my heats. And he’s been helping me while you’ve been away.”

“Show me,” Ben demands, gaze growing heated. “I want to see.”

Rey nods, then adjusts the equipment in question before rising up on her knees. She looks at Ben’s face in the camera, watching how his eyes are riveted on her. And she slowly sinks down, letting out a groan as the cool silicone meets her heated flesh.

“Oh, Ben,” she gasps, riding it slowly until she’s worked her way nearly to the base. “Ben, I need-”

“I know, baby,” Ben groans from hundreds of miles away. “Show me how you take care of yourself.”

She doesn’t need any further instruction. Rey thrusts herself against the dildo, riding it with hard, slow strokes that have her body clenching against it with each press down. She leans forward, putting her weight on one arm while the other reaches down to rub against her clit, sending her higher with each pass.

The sounds Ben makes on the other side of the phone are enough of an aphrodisiac on their own even without the physical stimulation of her own hands on herself. She can hear the sounds of him pleasuring himself, his grunts and groans. She catches the sight of him reaching for something he pours on himself, a lubrication to guide his hand’s journey up and down the length of him. She watches his knot begin to bloom at the base of him, sees the way he moves his other hand from his sack to his knot, back and forth as he struggles to decide which part of himself needs the attention more.

“Ben,” Rey says, her crest approaching. “Ben, I need...I’m going to.”

“Come, Rey,” Ben commands. “Show me how you make yourself come undone.”

Just as Rey feels her body begin to flutter, she reaches and presses the button to inflate the knot at the base of her make-believe Ben. And as it swells to fill her, rocketing her body into a truly consuming orgasm, she hears Ben roar on the other side.

When they’re together, it’s hard to see Ben’s face. He’s so much taller than her, and she’s usually so lost in him. But now, watching him clench one hand around his rapidly expanding knot while the other jerkily strokes his pulsing cock, Rey can see another silver lining in this situation. Because now...now she can see Ben’s face as he comes undone. And the look of rapture on his face, the look _she_ put there, is maybe worth a bit of time separated.

\--

Rey slowly folds the five shirts of Ben’s she’s due to send back, freshly laundered and still smelling faintly of them each. As always, Rey carefully rubs the scent glands at her wrists along each one, ensuring her smell is ingrained in each of them. She’d learned after the first time she’d sent back Ben’s clean shirts and he’d moaned about how her smell was dimmed. When she’d accused him of sending her dirty shirts, he’d told her his practice of marking them. And so she dutifully repeats the practice herself each time she sends them back.

But this time, Rey’s sure it’s unnecessary. Because, nestled between two shirts, is the lace underwear from last night.

And those...those she didn’t wash.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you thought! I hope the photos/messages came through okay for everyone. Let me know if you had issues!
> 
> I'm on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/abbey_simply) and [Tumblr](https://simplyabbeycat.tumblr.com/) and where I post about my stories, my fandoms, and my strange thoughts that I don't really need to share but I do anyway.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm behind posting this because:  
> A: I finally broke down and dove into [Landscape with a Blur of Conquerers by disasterisms](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11442951/chapters/25645101) (like I even need to provide the link) and I was right to hold off for that long because holy shit a 362,000 word story is a COMMITMENT to consume. I'm not even done with it because **children** and I missed all of you and my own Rey and Ben. (And bless whoever got that monster on Goodreads because you bet your ass I'm getting credit for it on my yearly challenge)  
> B: I've hit the section of the story I've been dreading writing because I'm so worried about doing it a disservice and I'm stupidly committed to staying 3-4 chapters ahead of the current chapter so things are just moving a bit slowly right now. But I'm nearly past it and getting to a fun section again, so I hope to update faster soon.  
> C: I MAY have spent too much time making a Kylo Ren themed set up on the new iOS14 update. Yes. I have a problem. Oops.
> 
> Since so many of you enjoyed it on the last chapter, I've done some iOS text messages and photos again to enhance the experience. I think I've made enough additions in the background to accommodate those of you who use readers, but you may still miss a few things if you aren't reading directly on the website. I did my best, okay? If it really doesn't work for you, a raw text version is always available on FFN. The story is under the same penname and title over there. Although, I personally think you should just enjoy the AO3 work skin. It takes a lot of work to make those messages and photos happen!
> 
> Forgive me for the chapter you are about to receive. Angst incoming. If that's not what you're here for, abandon ship.

[ ](https://imgur.com/DxQ2cPG)

**Song Inspiration: "Breaking Me Down" by Escape the Fate**

Ben Solo  
  
**Today** 1:13 PM  
**Ben:** Only three more weeks, Baby **Rey:** Don't worry. I'm well aware. **Ben:** I was thinking. **Ben:** Finn mentioned you had some vacation time. **Rey:** Oh? You two chat regularly now? **Ben:** Not exactly. When I took you away for the weekend, he called and threatened to 'rip my balls off' if I hurt you while you were with me. **Ben:** And he said you never take vacations, so I should make sure you had a good time.  
  
  
**Today** 1:47 PM  
**Rey:** Finn is nosey. **Ben:** And you're avoiding the answer.  
**Today** 2:33 PM  
**Rey:** Yes, okay? I'm bad at taking vacation time. Amilyn's frequently on my ass about it. **Ben:** Then why don't you take some? Come back with me after your heat. We're on a break from tour, you can stay with me and we can spend some proper time together. **Today** 3:14 PM  
**Rey:** Uhm. That's not much notice, Ben. **Ben:** She'll give it to you. We both know she will. **Ben:** Plus, it will be Halloween that week. We'll have a party and everything. **Ben:** You could bring Finn too if you want. Let our friends meet.

Finny  
  
**Today** 3:17 PM  
**Rey:** Ben wants me to take a vacation to come back with him after my heat. **Finn:** He's that sure it will be good? Awfully confident. **Rey:** Seriously??? **Finn:** Go. **Rey:** He invited you too. **Finn:**...sorry, but I'm not that kind of bisexual. Threesomes aren't my deal. **Rey:** OMG **Finn:** JK. Count me in. **Finn:** For the vacation. Not the threesome. **Finn:** Unless I get drunk enough. Then maybe. **Rey:** OMG

\--

Rey’s skin is already starting to itch. The physician had told her to take last night’s emergency dose, but not this morning’s. He’d said she’d probably start to get a bit uncomfortable overnight, but it should hold off until the next day.

Clearly, her heat has decided to ignore the rules of hormone treatments. It knows Ben’s coming and is already priming itself for the taking. And while she’s sure there’s some biological reason behind it, she’s content to blame the smug alpha male she’s been digitally flirting with for months.

She glances toward the couch where the black guitar is propped for later. Ben had sent it to her shortly after their separation, and he’s been giving her virtual lessons multiple times a week. What he doesn’t know is that she’s been practicing extra almost every night, and she’s excited to get to show off how much she’s learned.

Three more hours until he's in her apartment. Three more hours until they're together again. Ben’s take-off time is soon, and he’s just sent her a text letting her know he’s in his seat and turning his phone off. And that he’ll let her know when he’s landed. She’d wanted to come to pick him up, but he’d refused. Her emergency suppressants would be wearing off, and he wants her safely in her apartment until he can get here.

Which, based on the fact she hasn’t been able to stop scratching at the glands on her wrists all day, was probably a good call.

Her phone buzzes and Rey pulls it out from the back pocket of her skinny blue jeans to read a strange message from Finn.

Finny  
  
**Today** 2:13 PM  
**Finn:** Rey. Are you okay? **Finn:** I'm on my way. Don't start spiraling until I get there. **Rey:** What are you talking about? **Finn:** You haven't heard? **Rey:** Heard what? Finn is typing...

Those teasing three dots pop up on and off so many times that Rey’s started to draft a scathing response when Finn’s next message appears.

It’s a preview of a link to a news article that takes her breath away.

Finny  
  
**Rey:** Heard what?  
[](https://i.imgur.com/kfsu9S4.png)  
  
  


It’s like an out-of-body experience. Rey’s finger moves automatically, clicking on the link firmly to open the window it leads to. The article pops up, posted just ten minutes ago.

[ ](https://imgur.com/oGapbUB)

Rey’s phone slips through her fingers, clattering to her kitchen floor with a slap that would typically make her cringe. But she barely hears it, the text from the screen burned into her retinas for the rest of her life.

_A Night with Kylo Ren...Bazine Netal...loyalty...performance…._

She hardly feels it at first when the first sob wrenches through her chest, bursting from her lips with a wounded cry that sounds more like a wild animal than human. A burning sensation stings her eyes as the first tears gather, her already erratic hormones sending her skyrocketing to a full-blown panic attack.

The clinical part of her knows she should have seen this coming. He’s a fucking rock star. And she’s an idiot. She was an omega he could convince to hang around for him to screw, and when she’s gone, he has plenty of other options lying in wait. She remembers the sound of Bazine’s voice through the speaker of her phone.

_“All set, babe?”_

Rey’s sure Bazine’s been lying in wait since her arrival. If anything, a rival omega’s presence probably forced her to put her plan on a fast track. To move in closer, to start pushing her presence in.

And like every other disappointing alpha male in the world, Ben had betrayed her at the first sign of something closer and easier.

She has enough self-preservation left to keep from dropping to the floor, and Rey shuffles her feet toward her couch before collapsing into her cushions. She pulls a pillow to her chest, and, like the broken little girl she used to be, Rey cries into the plush of the fabric in a desperate attempt to stifle the wails that rip through every bone in her body.

\--

“Rey?”

Rey’s numb now, the world around her a blur. Her eyes burn and her head aches, and yet nothing compares to the now hollow sensation that's settled in her chest. She wonders how many times someone’s called her name. She lifts her head, eyes puffy and hazy. She blinks a few times to focus her vision, and she realizes who’s standing over her.

“I told you not to spiral until I got here.”

Rey scoffs and presses her face into the pillow again.

“You missed the waterworks,” Rey mumbles into the fabric. “I’ve pretty much cried it all out at this point.”

“And now we’ve moved on to cold indifference, I see,” Finn says, plopping down on the couch beside her. “Come on, Rey. You know how these news stations work. They pay out the ass for a bit of gossip and never bother to figure out if it’s the truth.”

“She works with him,” Rey spits. “I’ve fucking _seen_ the way she talks to him. And he _lets_ her. She practically pissed all over him to mark her territory the entire time I was there. I thought she was the intruder, but it turns out it was me.”

“You’ve been talking to the guy for months,” Finn asserts. “If he really didn’t care, why bother?”

Rey scoffs, lifting her head to glare at Finn. “A guaranteed heat fuck, I’d wager. Most guys would do more. Think of what those guys pay in those black-market auctions. Chatting up a loney omega for a few months is nothing.”

Finn sighs, leaning back to trap her legs between him and the back of her couch. “Do you honestly think that’s the case? Shouldn’t you talk to him?”

Rey sits up suddenly. She glances at the clock, seeing the time is nearly an half an hour from when she’d examined it last. He’ll be landing in roughly two hours, and then he’ll be expecting Rey to be ready to receive him with open arms. Except, surely, several other people are leaving him messages about the damning article right now.

She might as well add to it.

“My phone,” Rey croaks. “Finn, can you get my phone?”

Finn gives her a disapproving look but wisely doesn’t say anything. He pulls himself to his feet and looks where she tells him to for the poor hunk of metal and glass. Unfortunately, the screen he presents to her is entirely and unusably cracked. It flickers and jumps beneath the surface, a mockery of the way her heart tries to sporadically lurch into use before her sense of self-preservation smothers it back down again.

“Ben... Kylo’s number,” she says. “Do you still have it from when he was trying to find me?”

“Yes…” Finn says slowly. “But I think you should-”

“Give me the phone, Finn,” Rey snarls, thrusting out her hand in a demand. Ignoring the way it shakes between them, she adds, “Now.”

It says something to the bond between them, the level of friendship, and trust that they’ve developed that he obeys without another word. He slowly places the phone in her hand, and as soon as the cold plastic case meets her hands, she rips it forward, punching in the same passcode he’s had for years. She scrolls through his contacts until she finds “Kylo Ren.” She clicks the screen, then brings the phone to her ear.

As expected, the phone goes straight to his voicemail. The sound of his voice brings fresh tears to her eyes, that ripping sensation in her chest scraping downward again.

“This is Kylo,” Ben’s easy tone grunts out. “You know what to do.”

“Don’t come here,” Rey says after the shrill beep, voice shaking nearly as bad as her hands. It cracks a few times, but she’s relieved she manages to get it all out. “Get back on another plane. Don't call me. Don't contact me in any way. I just want you out of my life, and to never come back.”

She ends the call and tosses the phone back into Finn’s lap.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Finn asks, tucking his phone back into his pocket.

“No,” Rey says, reaching up to pull at a handful of her hair until her scalp screams. “I don’t, Finn. This was stupid. _I_ was stupid. I should have listened to you and had this stupid fucking bond broken before I got so messed up.”

“Fuck what I said,” Finn huffs, reaching over to put a hand on her knee. “I'm the furthest thing from an expert on relationships. Look at my own pathetic love life. Rey, I’m not saying this doesn’t look bad. But I think after everything you need to at least let him-”

“I don’t have to let him do anything!” Rey screeches, launching to her feet as a fresh snarl of betrayal coils around her heart. “You of all people know what it takes for me to trust him. And like an _idiot_ , I actually believed-”

The words choke off in her throat. She thought she’d gotten it all out, cried all the tears she could be bothered to spare for the disappointment that was Ben Solo. But her traitorous heart flames, blistering anew as the anguish washes over her again.

“I’m going to lay down,” Rey says, voice low and emotionless. “Lock the door on your way out. Ignore all his calls. I’m turning off my phone, not that it's functional this way regardless.”

“I can pick you up a new one,” Finn says gently. “And bring it by tonight.”

“No,” she says, clenching her eyes shut and squeezing fists at her side. “It’s fine. I’ll... I’ll go out later and get one.”

“Rey…” he sighs. “You need a phone.”

“I’m going into heat tomorrow,” she viciously snaps, Finn's gentle kindness grating on her frayed nerves. “Alone. I won’t be needing it for a while.”

“I’m going to stay here. You shouldn’t be alone like this.”

“Do what you want.”

She doesn’t bother to stick around to hear his reply. She turns away, tears etched into her cheeks as she disappears down the hallway to throw herself on the bed like a distressed princess. But no prince is coming to save her, because it turns out her prince was a monster all along. And when she finally hears her front door shut and lock, she feels the tears come racing over the brim of her eyes again.

\--

Rey knows she shouldn’t be surprised when she hears him thunder and roar at her front door. Ben has never been one to listen to what anyone tells him to do. Not even, or maybe especially, her. He snarls out her name, banging on her front door hard enough that the ceramic bird on her bookshelf vibrates to dangle on the edge of its shelf.

She’s surprised to hear her front door unlatch, but then she hears Finn’s voice. He must have come back after she’d dozed off and stayed just as he’d promised.

“You can’t be here, Kylo,” Finn says in a low, forced voice. “She told you not to come.”

“I need to talk to her.” Rey nearly breaks all over again at the sound of his voice, knowing he’s just down the hallway and on the other side of her front door. Something inside her cries out for him, a devastated tint to it that makes her sick to her stomach as everything in her clenches down for him. “I need to explain. She needs to-”

“She doesn’t need to do anything,” Finn asserts. “Other than take some time to figure this all out. And you have to give her space to do that.”

“I need to see her.” Ben’s voice is a broken thing, and Rey can feel his anguish’s faint echoes thanks to their proximity. It's a bittersweet relief to feel him again after all these months of silence. “Finn. Please.”

Finn’s voice drops low, and she can hear the faint rumblings of a murmured conversation. Then the door shuts, and the apartment is quiet again.

So. He left after all.

And, even though it’s what she’d wanted, Rey’s spirit breaks a little bit more.

\--

The first true echoing of her heat pulses in her veins the next morning, just as the doctor had said they would. And yet, there's no alpha in her bed to soothe the beginning flashes of discomfort. Skin itching and chills racking her body, Rey slithers out of bed and toward her bathroom. She pops one of the painkillers the doctor had given her for her prior heats as she runs the bath. She barely touches the hot water knob, electing to keep the tub cool to lower her raging body temperature. She can already feel the dampness growing between her legs, and Rey sighs as she turns off the water and sinks below the surface.

She can hear Finn moving around her apartment, but he doesn’t knock on the bathroom door or call out. He leaves her to her bath, which she mopes in for what feels like hours before the ache in her body turns to a vicious clench. The doctor had warned her that the use of emergency suppressants to delay her heat would make it more intense when it came, but neither of them had worried much because she’d have an alpha to guide her through. Partnered heats are supposed to be more than bearable, and the contrast to her current situation is laughable.

Groaning, Rey pulls herself from the bath and lets it drain before tugging on a robe. The ordinarily soft fabric is too harsh on her inflamed skin, too confining and clinging to her shaking body. She doesn’t bother to dress, simply striding out into her kitchen with a towel wrapped around her hair and the belt cinched at her waist.

She finds Finn sitting on her couch working on his computer, and a spread of light snacks is laid out on her counter. Some are on a single plate for her, while the others are in small bento boxes stacked on a corner. A mini cooler sits with a layer of ice inside, and a handful of Gatorade bottles are nestled within.

“Hey,” Finn says as he snaps his laptop shut. He sets it on her coffee table and stands up to walk to her with a comforting smile. “I got your snacks ready for you. I just needed to get to a few emails before I finished.”

“You didn’t need to do this,” Rey says, lifting a slice of cheese to her mouth. “I know this wasn’t your plan for today. You already spent half the day here yesterday.”

Finn shrugs. “It’s been a few years, but I remembered what you like. I got the cooler ready too, so you won’t need to leave your room.”

Rey sighs, letting the cheese slice slip through her fingers and fall to the plate. She puts her face in her hands, letting out a whimper as another clench makes her body shake. The flu-like feelings are looming just out of reach, and she knows they’ll reach full-on body aches and nausea soon.

“Here,” Finn says kindly, handing her the plate. “Take this to your room, and I’ll finish packing everything and bring it to you.”

“Thanks,” she says softly, taking the plate and shuffling to her room.

She snags the trash can from the corner of her room to set it by her bed, then climbs back between her covers. She pulls the tablet from her end table, hoping a few stupid comedies will keep her mind busy for a while until she’s completely unable to avoid the issue at hand. She knows once she gives in to the first orgasm, she’ll be lost. Better to hold it off as long as she can. Finn follows just a few minutes later, setting the cooler a few feet from the trash can. He sits on the edge of her bed then tosses something onto her stomach.

“Since we share a plan, I was able to easily get you a new one,” Finn says with an easy grin as she picks up the new phone. “We signed up for the insurance for a whole three hours so I could get it for you. I loaded it up from your backup last night.”

“What do I owe you?”

Finn shrugs. “Worry about it later. And I didn’t tell Ren you have a new one,” he adds hastily. “As far as he knows, yours is still out of commission.”

“Thank you,” Rey says softly, voice nearly breaking on a sob.

Finn stands up after giving her blanketed foot a tender squeeze. “I’ll be out there if you need anything.”

“Yeah,” Rey says sarcastically, falling back into the covers. “This oughta be fun.”

\--

It was decidedly not fun.

It had only taken a few hours for Rey to go from uncomfortable to miserable. Her skin is rolling and twitching while her stomach heaves. Slick coats her legs and the sheets beneath her while her mouth lets out desperate little cries.

_You were a bad omega. You abandoned him, and he chose another. This is the price bad omegas pay._

She begins to babble, pleading and crying for something, _anything_ , to make the utter feeling of wrongness disintegrate. But it only progresses as her body demands the impossible. Because, no matter what she does, her body can’t seem to find orgasm by her own hand. It’s a new development, and one that has Rey sobbing as her body writhes on her bed.

“Rey?” comes Finn’s voice from outside the door. “Rey. You’re not okay.”

“Go away, Finn,” she gasps, rolling on the sheets to throw the plate of half-eaten crackers and cheese at the door. The disappointment that that cheap floral Corelle dutifully doesn't shatter against the door only enrages her further.

Finn cracks the door to look in at her, face growing pale. “It’s not usually like this so soon.”

“It hurts,” she cries, turning to sob into a pillow. “Finny, it hurts so bad. Make it stop, please….”

“I could try to help you,” he says, stepping into the room just a bit further. “Like...like before. I know it doesn’t make it go away completely, but maybe….”

Maybe. Maybe, maybe, maybe…maybe.

Rey opens her mouth to acquiesce. Even the frustration of bedding a beta can take the edge off. Finn’s helped her before, and he knows what she needs. He cries with her when she’s frustrated and feeds her during the quiet moments like an alpha. Her dearest, closest friend tries so hard to help her pain. 

Maybe….

_No. Not the one. Not Ben. Ben, Ben, Ben._

Rey doesn’t realize she’s said it out loud until Finn asks, “Rey. Who’s Ben?”

“Kylo,” says her last functional brain cell. “Kylo. We need Kylo. He’s gone, he left us.”

“I could call him,” Finn stutters. “Get him to come over.”

“He broke us,” she wails, her omega jumping forward to blend into a cacophony of screaming voices so a singular Rey becomes plural. “He hurt and left us.”

“Then hurt him back,” Finn spits, eyes flashing as he takes in her pitiful form. “Use him. Take what you need, then throw him out.”

“Use...use him?” Rey blandly asks, lifting her head to see Finn’s cheeks pink with anger and frustration. The fog that surrounds her head allows one thought to seep through with crystal-like clarity.

_If we use him, we can see him again. We can have him. Take him._

“Yes,” Finn says, chest rising and falling rapidly as he squeezes his hands into fists at his side. “I could call him for you, and you could let him do what you need him to do. Then hurt him back by kicking him out when you’re through.”

Finn’s idea... Retaliation. Retribution. Rejection. In and out, as it were. A purge.

“Call him,” Rey grinds out between cries and the heaving of her stomach. And despite what she tells herself, she knows this moment of weakness is less payback and more indulgence. She retches a small stream of bile into the can beside her bed before pleading, “Please, Finn.”

“Okay, Rey,” Finn says slowly, backing out of the room.” I’ll call him.”

Finn returns after a longer period than Rey had thought it would take him to make a simple phone call. He brings her a cold rag for her head, along with a glass of water, a toothbrush, and a small bowl. He offers them to her, and she gives him a dirty look.

“Don’t let him see you like this,” Finn insists. “You’re a queen, Rey. Brush your teeth, clean yourself up, and take him on your terms.”

Finn’s words are startling and firm enough to pull her from her omega space sufficiently to understand their wisdom. She nods and takes the pasted up toothbrush from him. She scrubs quickly at her teeth, removing the hours of bile and tears from her mouth. As she does, Finn quickly runs a brush through her hair and ties it into a line of three ponytails down the back of her head. He offers her the glass to rinse and spit into the bowl, then disappears back into the hallway.

When he returns, Rey’s managed to pull herself up on the bed and swing her legs to the edge as she cinches up her robe again. He gives her an encouraging smile, then bends to let her wrap one arm over his shoulder. He leads her to the couch and deposits her on the blankets he’s piled there, then steps back to give her a smile.

“He’ll be here soon,” Finn says softly. “Do you...need me to stay?”

Rey considers it, then shakes her head. “No. I’ll be okay.”

Finn stares at her for a moment as he assesses her from her toes to her face. He gives her a gentle smile then reaches out to give her shoulder a squeeze.

“Your phone is charging,” he informs her. “So call me if you need anything.”

Rey nods, and Finn gives her one last squeeze before gathering his stuff and leaving, locking the door behind him.

And now, Rey has to wait. Her hand mindlessly wanders to the space between her legs, rubbing and tugging and chasing something just outside her reach. And she sobs again as her omega screams in her head.

_Ben, Ben, Ben…._

\--

The knock at the door breaks her out of her crying and whimpering on the couch. She sits up as the knock comes again, and then she hears his voice from the other side of her apartment door.

“Rey? God, Rey. Please come to the door.”

She raises a hand to wipe at her nose, but she doesn’t move any further. Her body is frozen in place, her heart pounding faster in her chest as her lungs suddenly heave to take in air. Because despite the rip in her chest, Rey can’t deny her reaction to his voice. Even through the door, it’s clearer than she’s heard it in months. There’s no digital twist to it—just the brief muffling of a metal door.

God, she’s missed him. She can feel every part of her body vibrating for him. And when he knocks again and a broken voice comes through, she finds her body moving to stand of its own volition.

“I’m so sorry, Rey,” Ben grunts through the door as she crosses the space to her door. “This is such a fucking mess. This wasn’t how this was supposed to go, and I should have told you-”

Her hand is on the doorknob, but she can’t bring herself to turn it. Because after months of separation, he’s right there on the other side of the door. All it will take is the flick of a lock and a turn of a handle, and she’ll be in his arms again. Except everything is wrong now, and nothing is how she’d ever thought it would turn out.

“I can smell you,” Ben gasps as he begins to babble through the barrier between them. “Fuck. It’s...shit. This is so fucked. Baby, I know you’re there. Finn called and...sweetheart, I need you to open the door.”

She can smell him too. Her omega gasping and singing in her chest as slick rushes down her legs in response to the knowledge that her alpha is near. She can feel his emotions now, too. They filter through as a mix of fear, despair, and desperation. She slams up a mental shield, something she’s never tried to do before. She imagines a wall of cold, glittering diamond that shields her while making his emotions bounce off them harmlessly. She’s effectively cut off the part of him that could break her resolve, the things that could sway her from her goal.

Get him in. Use him. Get him out.

Simple. Efficient. Heartless.

Then, armed with the knowledge of her mental shields, Rey opens the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In my defense, I've been pretty kind to them up until now. They were due for a solid bump in the road. Have faith.
> 
> I'm on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/abbey_simply) and [Tumblr](https://simplyabbeycat.tumblr.com/) if you want to come yell at me. I deserve it at this point.
> 
> I'm behind on replying to reviews which just speaks to the shithole I've managed to dig for myself. Please know that your reviews give me the encouragement to move on with the story. It's a relief to know so many of you are enjoying this. If I can keep moving forward at a decent pace, perhaps I can get another chapter up after this week to relieve you from this annoying cliffhanger?
> 
> All my love <3


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You all were so incredible in your comments on the last chapter. Thank you so much for your encouragement. A few of you asked some great questions, most of which I think will be addressed in this chapter. I hope this makes up for the cliffhanger at the end! I'm heading on a mini-vacation COVID style to celebrate my twins' 3rd birthday *insert sobbing noises here* so I'm relieved I was able to get this posted before we leave tomorrow.
> 
> I've not done a chapter dedication before, but it feels especially warranted this week. This one's dedicated to [m1ssjess](https://archiveofourown.org/users/M1ssJess/pseuds/M1ssJess), who has been a major cheerleader for this story and who writes reviews that just make my heart so happy. She also recently posted a [list of awesome WIPs](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/readingreylo/629596975376007168) if anyone's a glutton for delayed gratification. Most of them are just...so delicious.
> 
> I've been looking forward to and dreading posting this chapter, it feels like there's so much packed into it. I'd really appreciate your thoughts. Angst+romance=hard.
> 
> TW for mentions of blood in this chapter. It’s sort of hard to tell you how to skip past those sections as they’re important to the story. Feel free to send me a message and I can summarize for you if needed!

[ ](https://imgur.com/kqkghbp)

**Song Inspiration: "I See Red" by Everyone Loves and Outlaw (Yes...yes, that is the song you think it is!)**

Rey should have taken into account how beautiful he’d be to her after all these months. That the sight of him, whole and real and unfiltered, would unbalance her. But she hadn’t. She’d been so sure that her anger and hurt would cushion the blow.

They don’t.

He shouldn’t seem so handsome, really. He’s an absolute mess, his hair limp and unwashed, his face sporting a matching set of bags under his eyes and more than a little five o’clock shadow. He’s dressed in only a t-shirt and jogger sweats, and the sole possession clutched in his hands is a phone.

And his eyes...they hold a look Rey can’t wrap her mind around. They look scared and broken and desperate. The strong, confident man she’s known since the first time she’d laid eyes on him is gone. And before her is a creature she doesn’t recognize.

“Rey,” he gasps, reaching to pull her into his arms. She’s shell shocked enough to let him, but her own arms dangle at her sides as he embraces her. “Fucking finally.”

“Ben,” she says, her voice devoid of emotion as her heart struggles to catch up with everything crashing over her. “Ben, let me go.”

He obeys immediately, pushing her away and yet stepping into her apartment before shutting the door behind them. He does it hastily as if he thinks she won’t change her mind once he’s in her apartment.

And he’s not wrong. Because the scent of him here, mixing with hers inside her home, makes a fresh wave of slick trickle down her thigh. The omega knows her alpha is here, and she doesn’t care about emotions or betrayal or past trauma. She has a single goal in mind, and she knows Ben is the cure for what ails her.

“I didn’t think you’d call,” he huffs, striding past her before turning once he reaches her small kitchen island. “I thought-”

“Don’t misconstrue this, Ben,” Rey snaps. His gaze, which had been doggedly avoiding hers, snaps to stare into her own. As if he’s hoping they’ll show him her emotions don’t match her words. Except, they do. “You’re here to do a job. This isn’t forgiveness.”

“Of course not,” he says, reaching for her. “Rey, we have to talk about this.”

“Are you that daft that you think I actually want to talk right now?” she asks. For emphasis, she reaches down to the skin just above her knee. She collects a bit of slick on her fingers, then holds it up to him. He stares at them as she says, “You’re here for one thing, Ben. And once it’s done, you’re gone.”

“Rey-”

“This is what you wanted, right?” Rey snarls. “Why you bothered with this long-distance thing for two months. To fuck an omega in heat. You must have thought it was a fair trade-off considering most men this desperate pay out the ass for the guarantee.”

“Knock it off, Rey,” Ben thunders back. “You know me. These last two months have meant something. Everything. You know me better than anyone else, and you know that’s not me.”

“I don’t know anything about you!” she screeches, reaching up to pull at her hair. “You don’t tell me anything about you. You get close and then you fucking shut down like a coward.”

“Don’t call me that!” Ben roars, a vein in his forehead bulging as his eyes grow dark and fierce. “God damn it, Rey. I don’t want to do it like this.”

“Are you an alpha or not?” Rey challenges, rising up on her toes to press a firm finger into his chest. She knows she’s pushing him, and she can see in his eyes that she finally has pressed on the nerve that will launch him into action. She can see his eyes narrowing into a glare as she takes a final verbal swing at him. “Are you going to fuck me like an alpha man is supposed to, or are you going to stand there and keep whining?”

Ben growls ferociously and pulls her into his arms before crushing his lips to hers. She wraps her legs around his waist, her body instantly grinding against him as her omega nearly sobs in relief. Because no matter how infuriated she is with him, her body positively glows in his presence. 

Before meeting Ben, Rey’s life had been one dull, dizzying blur. Her past made her inner light dim and defeated, but he made a piece of her shine again. She’d always suppressed her omega instincts, but around Ben she kicks and claws to be heard. Rey wonders if that wholeness from accepting that omega piece of herself feels anything like when he’s off his blockers.

Ben wastes no time, nearly running down her hallway to get to her bedroom. He deposits her on the bed before clawing at her robe. She paws at him in return, yanking so viciously on his shirt that it starts to rip at the neck. Her movements are clumsy and hindering his own attempts to undress her, but she doesn’t care. Rational thought has fled, replaced by the knowledge that she has to do everything in her power to have him. When her own hands get in his way yet again, he curses and bends to press his teeth firmly into the curve where her neck meets her collarbone. Then, he lets out a strange sort of growling purr of a sound that has her stilling suddenly beneath him. Her omega recognizes the command in that sound, the demand for submission. She growls back and tries to use her feet to kick at his sweatpants, and he digs his teeth in further in response.

Oh. Oh, her omega likes that. She enjoys riling him up, and a dark part of her finds pleasure in upsetting him. She wriggles beneath him, and his response is to dig his teeth in far enough to pierce the skin. She feels the heat of her blood brimming beneath his teeth, and she’s aware of the moment his body stiffens and tightens above her.

This is the most primal thing Rey has ever been a part of. And she’s never felt more alive.

Recognizing a man pushed to the edge, Rey forces her body to still reluctantly below him. Ben purrs in satisfaction at her perceived submission, and her omega glows in delight as he lifts himself away enough to pull his shirt from his body. She impulsively reaches up to slide her hand over the inked skin and muscles revealed, relishing the familiar feel of him.

She wonders for not the first time since yesterday which tattoo belongs to Bazine, which one marks him forever as hers. None of them are incredibly romantic, but she’s never taken the time to examine them in depth when the man beneath him has always been more interesting. The thought almost has her throwing him off to banish him again as her heart screams in agony, but the omega bursting forth inside her roars at the idea of trying this out solo again.

He pulls away to hastily shove his pants and boxer briefs down before letting his body fall to crush hers beneath him, oblivious to her inner turmoil. There’s no need for foreplay. Not during a heat. The ultimate goal of foreplay is already achieved by her body’s hormones. But Ben doesn’t seem to know that, because he reaches down to rub at her clit to find her already saturated with slick.

“Rey,” he gasps, lifting his eyes to look at hers. His face is one of awe, and she resists the urge to drop the diamond wall to taste his emotions.

“Stop messing around and do your job,” she hisses at him. She refuses to let her heart be softened by his gentle stares, needing him to be the brutal alpha he’d been just moments ago. Because anything else is a threat to her emotional lockdown. “Before I call someone else.”

That last statement does it, just as she’d thought it would. Once a possessive alpha, always a possessive alpha. Never mind the idea that it should go both ways. He’s made it clear that she has no ownership over him, and she uses the knowledge to fortify the walls of her heart.

He reaches down to take himself to her, but she wriggles away with a glare.

“Condom,” she commands.

He gives her a confused look. “We talked about this last week. You said-”

“I know what I said!” she cries, forcing her eyes to remain dry. “But that was before your ex-girlfriend omega made it pretty clear to a national publication that you’re a typical rockstar slut.”

The words fall like obsidian blades between them, dark and glittering and full of malice. Ben’s eyes harden, but he doesn’t bother to defend himself. He must read the resolution of glittering diamond facades that have taken place over her heart, and he simply leans away far enough for Rey to reach for the end table and pull a condom from within. She flippantly tosses it at Ben’s chest, and he stares at where it falls between them before picking it up and ripping it open. He glances up at Rey, whose body is wiggling and undulating on the bed beneath him. She doesn’t bother to give him any sort of encouragement other than an expectant expression.

“This isn’t going to work, Rey,” Ben says, staring dejectedly down at the condom wrapper and rubber in his hands.

“The fuck it isn’t,” Rey snarls. “Put the damn thing on.”

“Rey,” he growls. “This isn’t a rut condom. It’s not going to work.”

“Make it work,” she commands, lifting her hips to rub against him.

Ben huffs. “It doesn’t work like that, Rey. It’s just...not anatomically or...biologically possible.”

“Why does it matter, you’re not in rut.”

Ben gives her a dark look, and she realizes now his pupils are expanding with each passing second. “I’m not now, but I’m about to be.”

Rey shakes her head. “Your blockers stop it.”

“I’m not on my  _ fucking _ blockers!” Ben roars, eyes wide as his chest heaves with each ragged breath that he pulls in. His shoulders are hunched as if in pain, and his expression grows dark as he turns his head away to glare moodily at the corner of her room.

This catches Rey off guard, although she should have expected it. Ben had said before that an alpha in rut is supposed to be better for a heated omega. It had been a discussion of even playing fields, no judgment or regrets when resurfacing on the other side of her heat. Just them. There hadn’t been an implicit conversation about him not taking them while with her in heat, yet it had been an assumption between them. Ben had even sent photographic proof of his STD test with an accompanying winking face that had made her blush. No, it had never been said directly. But it had very much been implied.

But her tone is still indignant when she asks, “Why the hell not?”

Ben’s face grows pained as he turns back to her with eyes welling with wetness, and Rey’s breath catches in her throat as she beholds him. Because even without the taste of his emotions, Rey understands that the look on his face is pure pain. And because she never expected the words that come bursting from his lips.

“Because,” he spits, “I didn’t want anything between us—a condom, suppressants, blockers, anything—when I told you that I love you.”

Rey’s mind sputters to a halt as he says the three words that send the world spinning in a thousand different directions. The sun turns the other way as the rest of the stars explode, and Rey is just sitting on her bed wondering what the hell just happened. Especially now, when she’s fiercely angry with him and demanding a hate fuck.

“What the hell, Ben?”

Ben scoffs, throwing the condom and wrapper to the side of the bed before crawling over her. He puts his hands on either side of her face as he stares down at her, every piece of him burning as he locks his uncompromising gaze with hers.

“This isn’t a hustle,” Ben says softly, a grit to his voice making chills run down her spine. “This isn’t me trying to play a game with you. This isn’t about fucking an omega in heat. Because, if we’re brutally honest, I wouldn’t need to try that hard to get an omega. Women  _ throw _ themselves at me because I play a fucking guitar on stage. But you...Rey, being away from you fucking sucked. I’ve never really given much of a shit about anyone other than Poe and me. But it reaffirmed everything I thought was here between us those days on the road with you. No pheromones, no biological interference. Just us. Talking to you, knowing you, has been everything.”

Tears begin to fall at the beginning of Ben’s speech, and by the end, they flow freely in rivulets down her cheeks. Because everything he’s said has echoed her feelings as well. She’d always been worried that her draw to Ben is based on biology, the clear and simple attraction between an omega and an alpha counterpart. The separation had solidified her perceptions and removed the veil of uncertainty to show her what was really happening. That this was painfully real.

But that doesn’t stop the ripping sensation in her heart from tormenting the scars of her past. Because the betrayal she’d felt reading that article has seemed to pale every other she’d experienced before. Nothing had ever seemed to wound her quite so profoundly as the moment she’d seen his betrayal splashed about for the world to see.

“You can’t say stuff like that now,” she cries. “Not when I’m like this, and you lied to me, and...everything is a mess.”

“Hush,” Ben commands, reaching to run a hand through her hair and to grab at one of her ponytails and tug at it firmly until she bends to one side. Neck exposed to him, Ben bends to press a kiss to her heated flesh as he says, “Let me do my job. Let me take care of you, omega. We’ll talk about the rest when you’re better.”

A choked sob frogs in Rey’s throat as she nods, letting her body relax and open for Ben as he adjusts his legs between hers again. Because her heart and her body now demand the same thing, outvoting the piece of her mind that screams to keep this one thing for herself. To withhold the sense of vulnerability that conceding this gives her. But it’s drowned out as every broken piece of her screams out for him. He takes one hand between them to guide himself, and then, slower than necessary, he slips inside of her.

She can tell he wants to be gentle. To cherish the feeling of their reunion, and revel in the sense of being bare for the first time. But the first stroke inside her, the first taste of their bodies joining, sends them both into a frenzy. Because her body cries out for him, desperation the marrow in her bones as she throws back her head to lift her hips to his. He lifts her legs to throw them over his shoulder, and she’s vaguely surprised as her body easily bends for him as he presses forward.

Her body searches for an anchor, and she clenches her fists into the sheets to pull brutally at them. Ben’s arms are wrapped around her knees, pulling her body to him as he viciously snaps his hips to hers. His knot is already expanding at his base, but it doesn’t swell to full completion yet. It drags against her body, stroking the place she needs it with each pass into her. It’s everything she’s ever needed, everything a hunk of expanding plastic it could never be. Because it comes with scents and sounds she could never have imagined before.

Ben above her is every fantasy she’s ever concocted in her heats before, and then more. His face is drawn into a brutal snarl, and his eyes have grown almost entirely black as the pupils consume everything in their path. His stare is demanding and possessive, his hands roaming downward now to explore her skin with surprisingly gentle fingers. He looks at her as if she’s the center of his whole world, as if the only way he’ll ever be complete is to be in her arms.

And her omega thrives on it. As Ben drops one of her legs to allow himself to bend over her again, she has the intense urge to drag her nails over every inch of him she can. His shoulder nears her mouth as his nose meets the crook of her neck, and she can smell the mating gland at the back of his neck calling for her. It promises an eternity of never being lonely again, of days spent exploring the world with him and nights spent exploring  _ him _ . She nearly launches herself onto it, holding herself back at the last second. Instead, she bends forward to sink her teeth into the flesh of his neck she finds waiting there. Her nails sink into the skin of his back, clawing desperately as she rhythmically thrusts her hips toward him in a frantic chase toward her orgasm.

Ben’s knot begins to catch more with each pass, and Rey can feel that he’s not far from his own cliff. His breath is ragged in her ear, and he dips his head more to press his lips to her skin. He drags his teeth over her skin, his tongue tasting her scent glands as her body chases his every move. He mutters resounding, heartfelt praises in her ears, and her omega is panting with relief. She’d been berating herself for leaving her alpha and making him not want her. And she hadn’t realized how badly she needed the words of affirmation until she feels her orgasm rush toward her.

And then Ben’s knot finally locks in her. He pushes forward, once, twice, thrice before roaring in her ear as her body begins to flutter around him. Rey lets out a sound somewhere between a moan and a sob as her body finds the relief she’d been chasing all day, the tingling pulsations spreading outward as she feels herself stiffen, then relax.

And Ben...he’s orgasm personified above her. His eyes are slammed shut as his face is contorted into an expression of painful rapture. He stays perched above her for a moment, then slowly collapses. She knows the weight should feel crushing, but it’s almost as if he’s holding her safely to the earth so she doesn’t float away to the stars. She feels him try to keep all his weight from her, but she wraps her arms and legs around him to hold him close. The adjustment pulls at his knot, sending her body into pulsing aftershocks as a fresh wave of his seed coats her again.

Ben encourages her to roll until he’s on his back and her body is draped over his. He continues to pulse slowly in her, and she can hear his grunt below her as she wraps her arms around him. He bends to kiss the top of her head, and they lay in silence as they struggle to catch their breath.

Rey doesn’t realize she’s started to cry until she feels the tears begin to cool against Ben’s bare chest. She reaches up hastily to swipe them away, but Ben catches her wrist in his massive hand. He pulls her fingers to her lips to kiss each of them, tasting her tears before bringing her hand to cup his face. He closes his eyes for a moment to take a breath, and when he opens them again, there’s a look of fierce resolve.

“I need to explain this all to you,” he says firmly, speaking in quick desperation during this brief moment of lucidity their orgasm grants them. “But first, you need to know that everything in that article in regards to you is a lie.”

“And the part about Bazine,” Rey accuses as she tries to tug her hand away. “Was that a lie?”

Ben hesitates for a moment, but he holds tight to her hand to keep it at his cheek. “I dated Bazine for two years. And I use the word ‘dated’ loosely. But it wasn’t the way she made it seem in that interview.”

“So,” Rey demands, pushing up to straddle Ben as she sits astride him. “Explain.”

“Fuck,” Ben chokes as he pulses in her again with the stimulation of the change in her position. She feels a fresh wave of his spend, and she has to use every piece of her resolve to not clench instinctively down on him. “Could you...Rey, could you not sit like that?”

Rey crosses her arms over her chest, annoyed that her omega can taste her alpha’s arousal in the air and is preening over it. “Like what, Ben?”

Ben snarls, his hands gripping her hips in an uncompromising hold as he thrusts his hips against her. “Like you’re an avenging omega goddess come to reprimand me for my sins. Like you want to ride me into oblivion.”

Shit. His words make her cunt tighten traitorously around his knot, and they both groan. Ben moves his hips again, his knot shifting forward inside her enough to make her keen. He pushes forward only half a dozen times before he pushes them both over the edge again.

Rey’s quickly back to panting against his chest again, and his hands are combing absentmindedly through the loose sections of her hair as his knot holds them both locked in place even more firmly than it had before.

“Bazine was the worst sort of omega,” Ben explains. “Clingy, demanding, and painfully argumentative. I never saw her through a heat, because a part of me was sure she’d be off her birth control in an attempt to get knocked up. And she seemed to have a heat constantly, at least every two months. I think she forced them out of some sort of ploy to trick me into sleeping with her during one. Then, one night we went for dinner for my birthday, and she spent the entire time bitching at me. It was after the last fight with my parents, and I’d responded by getting even more tattoos. She hated them. She didn’t mind the image that came with them—a badass, dominant alpha—as long as there weren’t too many. But I’d tattooed my knuckles and put my first ink on my neck, and she  _ hated _ them. She bitched about the temperature of the wine, and then she picked a fight because I hadn’t complimented her dress. The same dress I’d seen a  _ million _ fucking times.”

“The article made it seem like you were the callous one,” Rey says, brows coming together. “It seemed like you’d... you’d had your fill and moved on. And Bazine was the mature omega who knew better than to expect more.”

Ben snorts. “She was a psychotic bitch the first month afterward. The only reason she chilled out was because Snoke threatened to fire her. That was just over four years ago, and I figured she’d moved on. There’s been more than a few alpha men who’ve fallen prey to her since then. I never thought...I didn’t think she’d ever do this.”

“You can’t be serious,” Rey accuses, sitting up a bit to glower at him. “Ben. She cornered me that first night I was with you while you were on stage getting ready to perform. Then, she made a show of me coming to your meet and greet and displaying all the omegas throwing themselves at you. You can’t seriously tell me you didn’t know.”

“I didn’t,” Ben retorts, “Because you didn’t tell me. Tallie had to call and tell me last night when I was rage calling everyone who works for that fucking company. I wanted Bazine buried and dead for what she did.”

“Good,” Rey snaps. “I hope she suffered.”

Ben sighs, leaning back to glower at her headboard before saying, “Snoke refused to fire her. Our record sales just shot up, which is exactly what we need before a new album. She’s suspended for two weeks without pay, but she isn’t fired. I think the bastard is secretly glad she did it.”

Fury rises in Rey’s chest, a ruthless growl ripping up her throat. “Fucking quit. That’s bullshit, Ben.”

“What would you have me do?” he snaps back harshly, quick to anger without his blockers to temper him. Logical Rey wrinkles her nose in distaste while her twisted omega pants in appreciation at the virile alpha beneath her. “No other company would let me off my blockers. I’m a liability when I’m off, Rey. Snoke has had to cover up more things than most would bother with. And I’m still here, doing what I love. I don’t get a lot of choices here.”

“You’re better with me,” Rey asserts, reaching up to cup his cheeks. Every instinct tells her to soothe and comfort, to nurture her alpha despite the hot flame of his temper. “You handle yourself better. I could help you. You don’t have to stay with that snake.”

“How will that work,” Ben hisses as he drops his chin to glare at her, “when you run away every time someone says anything about me? You didn’t tell me about Bazine coming after you, and you didn’t give me a chance to fucking  _ defend _ myself when that article came out. You didn’t give me the respect or trust I deserve from my omega partner. You ran away. How can I depend on you when I don’t know if you’ll even be around?”

Ben’s words are like ice on her spine. It shouldn’t be possible for them to argue like this. Not during her heat, and now when he’s in rut. They should be throwing themselves at each other and fucking into oblivion, not screaming at each other in a rage. And the worst part is... Ben’s right.

“And you didn’t tell me about Bazine when you had the chance,” Rey says softly. “Ben, as embarrassing as this is to say, I don’t really have much of a past to discuss. You’re the only alpha I’ve been with.”

“Oh,” Ben growls back, “are we only counting omegas and alphas, or do betas count too? Because if they do, I think you’re forgetting someone you definitely should have told me about when I fucking asked you the first time.”

Oh god.

“Yeah,” Ben says with a bite as he sees the recognition cross her face. “I think his exact words were ‘I can’t help her like before. It has to be you.’”

Fuck him. Fuck them both.

“You’ve never been through a heat,  _ alpha _ ,” Rey retorts. “You have no idea what it feels like. Finn was just trying to help when I had no one. There was  _ nothing _ more than friendship there.”

“And you’ve never had a rut,  _ omega _ .” Ben’s tone is firm and retaliatory, and Rey suddenly feels ashamed. “I’ve never had anyone see me through when I don’t get the blockers in fast enough. Alpha, omega,  _ or _ beta. I’ve never fucked anyone through a rut before. Just you.”

They stare at each other, both their chests heaving as they both struggle to find the next thing to say while their bodies begin to burn for each other again. The yelling match has Rey panting, her omega clawing for her to claim the alpha who ruts for her. Both of them are wrong, and yet neither able to admit it. Rey knows she should be the first to offer an olive branch, but she struggles to find the words to admit her mistakes without giving control over to him.

She finally settles on a question. “Will you still come with me? To see Dr. Kanata?”

Ben’s face tells her that was the last thing he expected to come out of her mouth.

“Do you...still want me to?” He asks tentatively.

“Yes,” she says firmly. “I think this emphasizes that it would be a good idea.”

“Of course,” Ben says, reaching up to wrap his arms around her and hold her against him. She feels him purr beneath her, so gently that it’s only the slightest rumble buried in his chest. But it’s there, and Rey’s body begins to undulate against him as her need for him starts to climb at a speed that’s impossible for her to ignore any longer.

And, just as his knot begins to slip from her, Rey needs him again.

\--

The next morning, Rey’s heat fully sinks its claws into her.

She awakens from a short catnap to find Ben gone. She panics for only a moment until she hears him down the hallways, probably finding them something more to eat than the snacks Finn had prepared for her. Without an alpha, Rey can only handle small meals as her body rolls and riots. With Ben, her body feels sated and yet ravenous. They’ve managed to work up quite the appetite, and Ben’s instincts have clearly driven him to attend his omega’s needs.

Rey, however, has a different biological impulse.

She’s never made a nest before. Without an alpha to build it for, her body didn’t know what to do. How do you nest without an alpha to shape it around? But now, she finds herself irritated with the pillows’ placement, and the blankets are too bunched up at the bottom. She begins to shift them just so, but nothing seems right. She wants to create a circle of pillows to encase them, but they keep falling off the bed. Rey huffs and leaps from the bed, grabbing one side of the frame and pushing. She pushes and pushes it across her small bed until it meets the opposite wall, pressing one long side to it. Satisfied with her plan, she begins rearranging her pillows and blankets again along the wall.

Drawn by the sound of her frantic redecorating and mumblings, Ben strides in with two plates of fruit, toasted bread with peanut butter spread, deli turkey slices, and freshly washed carrots and broccoli. She gives him a nervous look, displeased that he’s arrived before she’s finished. She’s struggling, nothing seeming to lay where she needs it to. It’s not right for him, and he’s now forced to stand there and wait for her. But he doesn’t say a word, disappearing into her closet before reappearing with precisely what she needed: more pillows and more blankets.

At first, he makes recommendations, reaching to adjust a pillow or blanket for her. She snarls at him, at his intrusion on her task, and he realizes the need for space. So he leans against the wall, watching patiently as she moves the same pillow four times before she frowns at it. It smells...wrong. Not right. In fact, none of the new items he’s brought her smell right.

Because they don’t smell like him.

Rey rushes to his side with an armful of blankets and pillows, dropping them at his feet. He stands obediently watching her, letting her take one of his wrists in her hand before she lifts a pillow and rubs it against his scent gland there.

“I’ve got it, baby,” he says, pushing her toward her misshapen nest with the properly marked pillows. “I’ll work on these, you do what you need to do.”

She gives him an approving smile before returning to her nest, placing the newly christened pillows in with the rest—a perfect fit.

Ben deposits the newly marked items on the bed for her before stepping away again. And everything falls better into place now that their smells match the rest. Now that it smells like them. The pillows are arranged in a semicircle around the bed with the largest mound pressed against the wall’s longest side. A few strategically placed pillows are around the rest of the mattress, and the blankets are piled where they’re needed the most. Slick, already ever-present at her heat, soaks her legs as she takes in the nest positively reeking of them both.

Satisfied, Rey turns to Ben with a shy smile.

“It’s perfect,” Ben breathes, taking her in his arms again. He bends, pressing his lips to hers with a grateful, adoring kiss. “The perfect nest for us, baby.”

Rey feels her heart sag in relief, and her body rolls against him instinctively. Their nest made, it’s now time to officially christen it. She tries to pull him toward the nest, but he stands firm where he is.

“You’ve done your job, now let me do mine,” he asserts. “Sit in that beautiful nest and let me feed you.”

Full seated in her mental omega space, she finds herself eager to obey him. A fresh wave of slick falling down her thighs at the command, Rey scrambles onto the mattress, and her body instantly relaxes into the safe space she’s created for them. She knows better than to argue with Ben right now. He indulged her biological urges, so etiquette says she must reciprocate.

Ben feeds her slowly, pressing one bite at a time between her lips for her to chew and swallow. 

Every so often, he bends to kiss her lips, reminding her of the time they’d shared and tasted strawberries on each other on the plane. The memory makes her heart lurch happily in her chest, her tongue chasing his fingers as he retreats to bring her more nourishment. He lets her feed him as well, and Rey feels that soul-deep desire she’d felt when he’d brought the journal to her back on the tour bus. One of understanding and of an intense desire to care for each other.

One of mates.

He wastes no time after the food is fully consumed, flipping her body over and yanking her hips up to his. He enters her from behind, his fingers bruising her hips’ soft skin in his heated grip. He bends to run his tongue over her marked mating gland, then lightly runs his teeth over the spot where he’d claimed her. And Rey wishes for not the first time to remember how it had felt to be marked by him. And to know what it would be like to return the favor.

The orgasm comes faster than ever before this time, their surroundings giving her a wave of peace and contentment that allows her body to feel safe to respond in whatever way she wants. And Ben clearly adores it, grabbing at her frantically as he pulls her hips to him in continuing thrusts despite the deeply seated knot. He coaxes each of their orgasms to roll on, pulling out each drop of pleasure each of them can get.

And Rey...Rey forgives him. And not because of the sex or her heat, but because of Ben.

Because...because she loves him, too.

She holds the thought close to her heart, not daring to speak the words aloud. Because speaking them would give him some sort of terrible power over her, a power she’d vowed to never give anyone again. And there is still so much between them that they have to resolve. So she holds the words close and cherishes them for herself, because it’s a triumph even in her own mind that the idea of loving someone,  _ really _ loving them, can exist for her at all.

And so, Rey drops the shield of cold diamond to welcome Ben’s emotions back into her heart. They’ve already suffered enough separation in the last two months. It’s time for that to come to an end, and it starts with her letting go.

Except...even with the barrier down, she can’t feel them. Ben’s emotions are gone, and she’s unsure if the interference is from her or from him. And it’s clear, no matter how much she wants things between them to be okay, that there is still something very, very wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget you can come chat with me on [Tumblr](https://simplyabbeycat.tumblr.com/) and [Twitter as well!](https://twitter.com/abbey_simply)
> 
> Reviews are my inspiration! Many of you are pointing things out or asking questions that have me so excited! We have a three-hour drive tomorrow, so I'm hoping to have a moment to respond to the massive backlog of everyone's reviews during the drive.
> 
> So much love to you all!


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Sees it's been almost a month since updating*  
> *Throws down chapter*  
> *Runs away crying*
> 
> I'M SORRY!
> 
> *Comes running back, pretty much out of breath at this point*
> 
> Okay, so I have another chapter dedication. This one's dedicated to [Lindaapje](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lindaapje/pseuds/Lindaapje). She's been commenting on this story from the early days, and hers were the first reviews I always looked for when I needed the motivation to keep this thing moving. I love each and every one of you dearly, but extra pixie dust to Linda especially <3

[ ](https://imgur.com/C0QCsTp)

Song Inspiration: "Where Did it Go?" by Asking Alexandria

Ben’s hand is soft in her hair, gentle stroking that eases her from the daze of slumber into the reality of his arms. She can feel his fingers combing through, teasing away the snarls that have accumulated over the last few days of quite literally tumbling in the sheets. She vaguely remembers him untying it at some point, murmurs through the murky haze of him wanting to see her hair brushing over her breasts. Her heat had begun to abate over the night, and this morning she only feels the soft, lazy pull to ride him slowly. She turns with eyes barely open to climb onto him, and he guides himself to her without hesitation as she lowers her body to consume his.

“You’re different today,” he murmurs as she rests her hands on his shoulders, moving her hips sleepily in slow, easy rolls. “Your smell is changing.”

“It’s ending,” Rey sighs, knowing somewhere in the deepest parts of her instinctive omega soul that this will probably be the last time her body will be able to take him for a while. “Things are...softer now.”

Ben hums, reaching up to gently cup her breasts and brush his thumbs over her swollen nipples. He rises to press a tender kiss to her collarbone, then lets himself fall back to watch her move. His eyes meet hers with an open stare and glint of possessiveness that makes her move just a bit faster against him. Eye contact is something Rey’s always forgone with past lovers. But amid her desperate heat and smatterings of conversation with each rest, eye contact has become a requirement for them.

And Rey fiercely wants to hold on to that connection. Because she can feel a brutal conversation lingering on the edges of the bed as if letting one limb pierce the boundary of their nest will send them plummeting into something neither of them wants to speak about or acknowledge. And yet it’s there, slowly creeping closer and closer in a way neither of them can deny.

“Ben,” Rey chokes, the emotions of the last few days rising to seize her in their grip. Tears teeter at the corners of her eyes, threatening to destroy everything she’s tried to rebuild.

“Hey,” he says, reaching up to run rough fingers over her cheek softly. His other hand moves to grab at her hip, pulling her roughly against him to grind her body on his. “Nothing is going to change, walking out of this room,” he snarls. “You and I are here. Together. And we’re going to figure this out.”

Rey shakes her head, but the words won’t come. Because something tells her this is the first of many fights, of so many moments of doubt and distrust. How can two people who are constantly separated stay together, especially with a fleet’s worth of emotional baggage dragging along behind them? The rational part of her says they should let this go before it gets any worse. Before either of them get any more wrapped up in the other than they already have.

“No,” Ben growls in response to whatever he sees on her face, the sound low and primal in a way that makes her instinctively lean closer to him, adjusting her body so more pieces of her touch more pieces of him. His hand drops to her shoulder, urging her body to move faster with firm pushes downward. His hips snap harshly up to hers as he grinds out, “You promised me six months, Rey. It’s not even been half of that. You owe me more. I’m not letting you go.”

His voice wraps around her, tugging and pulling at a place deep in her chest that wiggles in response. It sends shockwaves through her, rumbling out more tears that balloon and then fall down the tracks on her face. Ben doesn’t reach up to catch these but shifts his back against the pillowed wall with her seated in his lip. He bends to press his lips against her salty cheeks, and the face that had held only five o’clock shadow a few days before is now rough with hair as she turns to press her own kisses to his skin.

They don’t say any more for several moments, simply breathing each other in as Ben continues to guide her body in its dance against his. He knows her so well by now, had already known what she needed before her heat. Now, every movement he makes is perfectly tuned to what she needs. He adjusts his grip on both her hips to make her body rub against his just so until the friction hits in all the right spots as he murmurs in her ear, “Come for me, baby.”

She shatters, and she can tell he holds out as long as he can until she’s nearly spent. And when he finally does let go, his knot catches just in time to send her flying back up to fall back down with him again. And when she lets her body fall against his, she appreciates the realization that their breathing has synced for a brief moment.

“We’re not going to ruin this by talking,” Ben commands in her ear as they begin to catch their breath. “I’m going to sit here and hold you until we unlock, and then I’m going to bathe you. Then we’ll dress in our comfiest clothes and curl up on the couch, and I’m going to hold you in my arms when we finally do talk. I’m not going to let this go the way you think it’s going to.”

Rey doesn’t bother to respond because, at this point, her body finally,  _ finally _ feels sated. Her hormones are screaming at her for bonding, to solidify the bond between them. It’s frequently called to her during her heat, demanding she return the favor to the alpha who’s claimed her. Her body breaks into a sweat, and she can feel the overwhelming urge to rise on her knees and yank his head down. It would expose the gland on the back of his neck, the companion to her own, and she would be able to sink her teeth into it. She imagines a burst of his scent and flavor, warm and hot on her tongue as they become one forever.

She whimpers as her body shakes in protest to being held back, her mind screaming and holding on by the barest of threads as everything else in her demands the claiming. It’s a painful battle of wills, one she’s terrified she’s going to lose.

“I know, baby,” Ben reassures her with a gentle caress down her spine. “I know.”

So Rey does what she’s done every moment the urge has overwhelmed her. She finds the meat of his neck, where it touches his collarbone, and sinks her teeth into it. Already raw and bruised from every other instance, the battered skin there finally gives way. Her teeth break his skin, and the metallic taste of blood blooms on her tongue. The moment is like a bookend to the beginning of her heat, when he’d pierced her own flesh in demand for submission.

_ A mockery.  _ Her omega is fading, yet surges forward a final time in this moment of weakness.  _ Not the taste you should know. His gland will be sweet, and he will be yours. Bond him. Bite him. _

Ben stiffens slightly beneath her, but no words come rumbling up from his chest. And Rey feels a glint of...sadness? It tastes like sadness. But not her own. The feeling is heavier, coated in the wrap of guilt.

Ben. She feels Ben.

It’s only a flicker. But it’s there. And Rey didn’t realize how terrified she’s been by the loss until now. It was the one thing, besides his body, that she had missed during their separation. Feeling him there. Knowing him.

_ I don’t want to lose him. Any part of him. _

The moment Ben’s knot finally disengages enough to free them of each other is laced with apprehension. Ben gently sets her aside, and Rey expects him to stand and walk away. To leave her. But he leans over, one arm over her shoulder to cage her under his body as he stares down at her. She can see the small puncture on his skin, the blood already drying, and she feels the echos of his control bite twinge on her own neck.

He startles her by reaching down, and she flinches when his fingers dip between her legs to raw skin. As he trails them back upward, she feels the cool sensation of wetness being dragged against the heated skin of her abdomen.

An alpha. Marking his omega.

He’s done this a few times since the start of her heat. The first time he’d done it, they’d both stared in confusion as his come soaked fingers had skated over her. But Ben hasn’t stopped, and Rey’d known better than to try to stop him herself. It had been something she’d easily accepted, especially considering the state the sheets quickly reached. There was no embarrassment to bother with during a heat.

Ben’s fingers slowly run dry, yet he continues to trace lazy patterns on her skin for several more breaths. They’re both drawing this out, basking in the final moments of her heat.

And then, it comes time to burst the bubble.

“I’ll be right back,” Ben mutters before dropping a soft, lazy kiss to her lips. He climbs off the bed and leaves the room, and Rey instantly feels a terrible, painful clenching sensation in her chest as soon as he’s out of her sight. It’s not until she hears the sound of running water that she somewhat settles.

He’s back quickly as if he doesn’t want to be separated from her any longer than necessary either. He says nothing as he scoops her body up in her arms and carries her to the bathroom.

And he does just what he’d promised. He runs his soaped up hands over her reverently, as if every piece of skin she grants to him is a gift. After so many days of emotional and physical strain, the simplicity of the moment has tears running down her face. Whether they blend with the water or Ben has the grace to not comment on them, Rey’s not entirely sure.

Too exhausted to do much, Rey simply wraps her arms around Ben’s broad torso as he washes his own hair and body, and as leans over to turn off the water, Rey presses her nose to his chest, and a balloon of relief bursts in her chest.

Because, despite the soap, her smell still lingers on him.

Ben drapes her in a towel and lifts her to set her sitting on the bathroom counter. He reaches for the bottle of lotion that sits on the shelving over her toilet, and the scent of lavender coats the air as he deposits a generous amount into his waiting palm.

And when he drops to his knees, pressing a kiss to her ankle before massaging the lotion into her calf, Rey can feel the echo of his earlier words in his touch.

_ “I love you...I love you...I love you.” _

“Ben,” Rey gasps as his fingers work their way into the sore muscles at the backs of her legs. “You don’t have to-”

“Rey,” comes Ben’s stern, exhausted voice by her feet. “Stop.”

Rey bristles at the command, even if something in her softens at the weariness in his tone. “It’s really not-”

“Taking care of you is just as much for me as it is for you,” comes his firm retort, the painful edges of it soothed by the tender consideration with which he massages her skin. “So just...shut up and let me do this.”

Strangely mollified, Rey lets herself fall silent and malleable under Ben’s hands. It’s a simple moment that’s a balm to her soul—days of insistent grabbing and demanding and taking now splashed with the ending of complete and utter devotion.

It should feel like a sham. But it’s the realest feeling Rey has experienced in days.

Except for the moment when she’d realized she loves him too.

A braver woman would say it now. Would say the words like a spell that would magically fix everything. Because isn’t that what love was supposed to do? Repair the unfixable?

But Rey knows better. Love has failed her before. She’d loved her parents, and she knows they had to have loved her at some point before leaving her with nothing but a backpack, a spare outfit, and a two-sentence note to her name. But here she is, alone in the world with nothing to show for it but a mess of mental instability and a black pit where her sense of trust should dwell.

And by the time Ben is massaging the tips of her fingers, she’s still said nothing.

He disappears again for only a moment, then reappears with her softest grey leggings and one of the borrowed Knights of Ren shirts he must have found in her clean laundry bin. He’s dressed again himself, wearing the same joggers and T-shirt he’d been wearing when he’d arrived at her front door. But, based on his scent when he pulls her back into his arms, he’d clearly managed to get his own clothes through the wash at some point in the last three days.

They’re quiet for a while after Ben gets them settled on the couch, her Afghan stretched over their laps as she snuggles into his side. She appreciates the sound of his breathing and the backbeat of his heart pounding in her ear. She can feel the moment stretching between them, taut with tension growing by the minute. And when it finally does burst, it’s Rey holding the pin.

“Which songs are about her?” Rey asks. “I know most of them by now, and I can’t figure out which ones they are.”

Ben stiffens beside her, then signs. “That’s because none of our songs are about her.”

“But she said-”

“Oh,” Ben interrupts with a dry chuckle. “Don’t get me wrong. I wrote some. But they weren’t for our band.”

Rey wrinkles her nose and pulls away, giving Ben a disbelieving look. He meets her eyes as his brows draw together, then he throws the blanket off his lap and strides to the kitchen. Rey’s prepared to object when he comes back around the corner of her couch with his phone cradled in his massive hand.

“Here,” he says, pulling up his music streaming app and typing in a few words before clicking on one of the options.

(Insert link to Tell Me I’m a Wreck)

The song is different from the sound she’s associated with the Knights of Ren. It’s a punk-pop sound, punching yet upbeat. And the lyrics are the furthest thing from romantic. The singer rages about a woman that wants things he can’t give, who wants him to be something other than who he is.

“They’re good,” Rey says dumbly.

Ben snorts. “Their sound isn’t my kind of thing, but they’re good at what they do. They’re signed to First Order too, so I sold them that song.”

“Are there others?”

Ben shrugs his shoulders. “More of the same. None of them complimentary. I don’t write love songs, Rey. My life has been a pretty dark place. Writing sappy ballads didn’t appeal as much as singing big ‘fuck you’ songs.”

“And the tattoo?”

Ben scoffs, expression growing dark. “Bazine is the kind of girl who sees what she wants to see. I got a tattoo after we broke up, and she thought it was about her.”

He lefts one corner of his shirt to expose a piece of ink tucked around the front of his rib just below one pectoral muscle. She’s seen it before and, like most of his other works, she hasn’t thought much of it beyond the objective observation that they’re all quite well done, if a bit grim. It’s a beautiful but decaying hand cut off brutally just a few inches below the wrist. A diamond bracelet and ruby ring glitter somehow within the drawing as sharp nails pierce the bleeding anatomical heart clutched within. It’s gorgeous and gory and uncomfortable, and not the most romantic piece of art Rey’s ever seen.

“She thought it was supposed to be symbolic of her ripping my heart out,” Ben explains as he drops the shirt to cover the ink again. “And no matter what I said, she still thinks it’s all about her.”

She shakes her head. “This is all a bit convenient, Ben. Why would Bazine say all the things she did if there wasn’t any truth in them? You’d have a pretty good case for slander. She can’t be that big of an idiot.”

Ben sighs, reaching up to run a hand through his hair roughly. “I don’t know what to say about that, Rey. I could argue that there’s an excuse for everything because there  _ is _ a reason she said all those things. We did date. And we broke up more times than I can count. I played with random girls in between, and that always pissed her off. Because none of them meant anything to me.  _ She _ meant nothing to me, even after two years. I think I stayed with her because she was there and it was convenient. It was...not a healthy relationship, to say the very least.”

“So,” Rey retorts, “it was a matter of what was close and convenient. The opposite of me. So why be with me?”

Ben shakes his head. “You can’t keep twisting these things around, Rey. Yes, I was with Bazine because she was there. Always. But that was it. I didn’t even  _ like _ her after a while. Fuck if I know the real reason I kept going back to her. Glutton for punishment? I’ve never bothered with the therapy to figure it out.”

“You should,” she chides, raising an eyebrow.

Ben ignores her comment, skipping by it to continue on. “But you. You’re not convenient, baby. Some days you’ll be on the opposite side of the world from me. And you’ll still be the only person I ever think about. The only person I ever want. You just have to believe me. Trust me.”

“It’s not easy,” Rey says, falling back to rest her head on the back of her sofa as she stares at him, eyes heavy with exhaustion and yet both of them oddly relaxed and at ease despite the tension of the conversation. “For all the time we’ve spent talking, I still feel like there’s so much about you I still have to learn. It’s...hard for me to trust someone won’t hurt me.”

“I’ll tell you anything you want to know,” Ben says urgently, reaching for her hands to bring them to his lips. His own skin is pale compared to hers, but the ink scattered over the knuckles and the backs of his hands make them appear foreign in contrast. “You only need to ask.”

And one question burns in Rey’s mind. She’s seen his tattoos plenty of times, but there’s one that she’s had to bite her tongue so many times before to stop from asking. Because it feels personal somehow, and yet here they are, ripping each other’s hearts out.

Might as well get it over with.

“What about these?” Rey asks softly, running her fingers over his knuckles. “Is there a story here too?”

The first time she’d read them, she’d thought it was just some tough act he was trying to pull. But over their two-month separation, Rey’s learned Ben doesn’t do anything on a whim. Everything is rooted in something, bearing some form of meaning for him. And she looks at him with new eyes now that they’re together again, not letting anything pass her scrutiny again.

The ink on his knuckles bears one phrase. It crosses from one pinky to another, so when the sides of his pointer fingers are pressed together, it spells one word.

M-O-N-S-T-E-R, with the final pinky bearing a set of vampire-like teeth.

Ben flinches, and his eyes drop from hers to glance at the letters on his fingers before turning away. She can see him tense, and there’s no mistaking that he definitely does  _ not _ want to tell her that. That he hadn’t expected the question and isn’t prepared to formulate an answer for it.

And Rey can’t find it in herself to be sorry.

“It’s so I never forget,” he says softly, voice wrecked, “what my hands can do.”

And the way he says it as if he’s just confessed to his most heinous sin makes the breath stop in Rey’s chest. The trapped air burns like fire, and she feels as if the entire world has ground to a halt. She can nearly feel the way it jars underneath them, everything stopping to survey Ben at this moment as he closes his eyes to take a deep breath, then opens them with a look of fierce determination.

“I told you about my old band,” he says, tone forced into a firm disconnect. “How they disagreed with me going off my blockers before shows. Hennix and Vox were two of my closest friends, not that I had many others competing for the spot. In my mid-twenties, I thought I was this superior alpha, barely contained by my blockers and sickly thrilled by the power I felt in the violence of being off my blockers. I was difficult then, worse than I am now if you can believe it.”

“I don’t,” Rey says with an encouraging smile. “But go on.”

Her joke seems to soothe him slightly, and he gives a small chuckle under his huff before continuing on. “We all got along fine in the beginning, and we made some pretty perfect shit. They loved the heavy stuff Poe and I liked to play, and we gelled in a way that was sort of unreal. But the more shows we did, the worse it got. Things were getting pretty tense, and Voe was particularly vocal about it. You would like her,” he adds with a self-deprecating smile. “She was always in my face, telling me when I was an ass. She picked a fight with me one night once we got off stage, claiming I’d messed up a section and needed to get my alpha head out of my ass before I dragged us into the dirt. We played for our home town, and everyone was on edge because we just wanted it to be good, you know?

“Things got pretty bad. I was so fucking pissed and off my blockers, and everything was sharper, and yet things felt like they were spinning out of control under my skin. Voe and I always got into it whenever I was amped up, but that night felt different. I’m not sure if it was her or me or the stress of knowing my family was there that night. But something felt horribly wrong. And then Hennix jumped in to add on to it. At one point, Voe actually took a swing at me. It took me by surprise, then pissed me off. I think Hennix thought I was going to hit her back, so he jumped between us. That put him right in my face, and then he started yelling, and I just...I lost it. I punched him once, and it took him to the ground. I could have left him down there, but I remember jumping on him and getting in a few more swings. I don’t remember how many; Poe thinks it was just two, but all I remember is blood on my hands when he pulled me off. Hennix started to get up; I could see him out of the corner of my eye when Poe tried to get me into another room. And then Voe started yelling again, and I turned to her and then Hennix was coming for me again and I just...pushed him. Hard. He fell backward and hit his head on the edge of one of the speakers they were pulling off stage. There was so much blood, and he-”

Ben chokes off, and Rey can feel her hands shaking in his grip. He stares at them, a measure of fear sliding over his face that makes something catch in her chest and twists viciously. She senses a brush of guilt and frantic panic, and she knows it’s coming from him. Something’s morphing between them the longer he talks, something that she feels as if she could almost reach out and touch. But she forces herself to stay still, save for the shaking of her hands, and let him finish. Because the words are tumbling from his lips faster as if he’s purging poison from his blood the more he talks.

“We called for an ambulance, and someone brought his parents around. I remember my mom and dad and uncle coming backstage, and I think I remember telling them some sort of version of what happened. My uncle disappeared for a moment, and when he came back, it was with the paramedics and some police officers. And then they stuck me in handcuffs and told me they were taking me back to the station for questioning.”

“It was an accident,” Rey blurts, giving his hands a squeeze. “If that’s really what happened, why would your uncle tell them it was attempted murder?”

Ben shakes his head. “My uncle was convinced I’d intended to kill Hennix and was trying to cover it up by calling it an accident. They took me back to the station, and I told them what happened. I think they were ready to charge me, but an officer got the surveillance tapes of what happened. Plus, Hennix didn’t die.”

Rey’s eyes fly wide, a small breath of a gasp rushing into her lungs. “He’s alive?”

Ben gives her a mirthless smile. “Hence the threat of  _ attempted  _ murder charges, baby. He told the cops he’d provoked me and that Voe had as well. I think Voe said shit on my behalf too, but I suspect Hennix told her to. Hennix was always a better man than I was.”

“So...that was it?”

Ben shakes his head. “I should have been charged with  _ something _ . Assault maybe. But nothing ever happened. They let me go, and no one came calling after Hennix woke up and spoke to the cops. I think my mom had something to do with it. I tried to call her out on it, but we ended up having a massive fight that ended up with both of us trashing a room of her house. Things between us were never great, but that night changed everything. Things were tense for a few years after that. I’d started dating Bazine, and she hated her. It was always a fight. Nagged me constantly and was always on me about my blockers and my reputation and the tattoos I was collecting, and then on Thanksgiving, I just sort of snapped. Even my dad started yelling, and my uncle tried to physically throw me out of the house. So I left. I walked away from all of them, which meant leaving Skywalker Records, too.”

Rey wrinkles her nose. “I remember you saying you left your previous record company and that the two others were still there. But what does that have to do with your mom?”

“Because,” Ben scoffs. “My uncle owns the record label. It’s a tiny one, but he signed us to give us our start. No way was I going to continue living under his or her thumb if they were going to keep trying to control me or the person I decided to be when I was out from under them. Snoke had already been trying to recruit me. He paid the fees my uncle tried to collect, and we were done. Poe said he’d come with me, although I think it hurt him to leave my mom behind. They were always close. I’ll never be able to repay him for what it meant that he chose me over her.”

“So, you walked away from your family.”

Ben nods. “And I haven’t looked back.”

There’s a piece in Rey’s heart that is torn, and his words grab at and wrench the wound open with a vicious tear. Like a fundamental piece of who she is has been irreparably damaged at his words. Because how could that be the case?

“All I’ve ever wanted,” Rey says softly, tracing her fingers over the tattoos on his fingers, “is to have a family. How could you walk away from yours?”

Ben shakes his head, putting his fingers on her chin to pull her face to his. He presses a tender kiss to her nose, then says, “They’re not my only family, Rey. I have my own. One I chose. Poe, even Hux and Phasma. That’s the family I picked. Who I want. And you.”

Rey blinks, the words registering in broken, jilted pieces as her brain struggles to process what he’s said. A family...his family... _ her. _ Her...family?

“I could be your family, Rey,” Ben says softly, eyes earnest and true. She feels a shocking, pure blast of childlike hope race through the silent bond for the briefest of moments. “You and me. We could be each other’s family. We wouldn’t need anyone else. Just us.”

And Rey’s crying now. It’s not cute or romantic. They’re great, heaving sobs that make her body double over with the power they use to expel themselves from her, like some sort of desperate, decades-long purge. There’s more than a sniffle building in her nose, and Ben pulls her into his arms and laughs. Laughs! He’s just said the thing she’s wanted her entire life. What she’s been searching for with every breath. The missing, jagged piece of her life sliding into place.

“You can’t just say things like that,” Rey blubbers into his shirt. “Not to me.”

Ben snorts as he squeezes her harder against him, fingers digging into her body as he clings to her as intently as she does to him. “Give me some credit, baby. I know who you are. I know what family means to you, and I know what I’m saying.”

She sobs harder at that, which makes him give a soft chuckle again as he rubs her back. He lets her cry for a while, the emotions eventually slowing from a churning rapid to a bubbling brook as her body begins to settle. And once she’s not shaking anymore, he pulls her away just far enough to make eye contact again.

“But I need to know something, Rey,” he says, voice growing severe again. The amber in his eyes crackles and burns as he stares, his brows drawn together seriously. “The bite...do you think you’ll ever want to finish the bond? We don’t have to in order to be together. Lots of long-term couples don’t have a mating bond. I just...need to know if that’s a possibility.”

Rey considers it, the strange peace from her emotional purge giving her a clarity she hadn’t known she’d been lacking. Her instincts have been demanding she bite him, but she wonders if pieces of that longing are rooted in her own desires. Not the wishes of the omega who wants an alpha, but the love Rey herself has for the man. She thinks of all the moments it’s felt as if Ben’s broken pieces fill the gaps in her life. Of his particular brand of firm demands wrapped around a plush, soft center. Of how well he seems to understand the things she herself doesn’t have the words for.

But there are still so many damaged edges to each of them, set siege upon by the people and things in their life that have taken their fill and left nothing in return. Baggage the size of continents weigh them down. And there’s still so much he doesn’t know about her.

“I think,” she says slowly, “I could want that someday. I think we should wait until we meet with Dr. Kanata tomorrow, and then you can take a few days to digest everything. And then...and then maybe we can talk about it.”

“I’m not changing my mind, Rey,” he says softly, resting his chin on her head as her face falls back to his chest. “Nothing could make me not love you.”

It’s there. Another open door, his hand held out to her in offering. All she has to do is step through the door and take his hand. Say the words. And move forward with her life, firmly at his side. And maybe, maybe then she could bite him. Be his forever.

But, Rey Niima is nothing if not a coward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you can all forgive me for the delay in the chapter update. This one and the next two were particularly difficult to write because of the topics they cover, and because of that I really don't want to do them an injustice.
> 
> Reviews keep me moving! I'd welcome any constructive feedback on this chapter and the next two most especially.
> 
> Don't forget you can always come chat with me on [Tumblr](https://simplyabbeycat.tumblr.com/) and [Twitter as well!](https://twitter.com/abbey_simply)


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a good excuse. I swear.
> 
> In the beginning of November, I caught COVID. At nearly the same time, I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant.
> 
> You can guess how well that all went over. Cough/barf/sleep city in this house. I have never been so miserably ill for so long. I'm telling you, it's been months of feeling on the brink of death.
> 
> Luckily, I'm 19 weeks today and all seems to be well so far. My energy is coming back, but there's been the lingering issue that pregnancy makes me feel decidedly unsexy. Which makes writing difficult. But here we are, making things happen! 
> 
> I told you I had a good excuse!
> 
> Updates may come slowly, likely every 3 weeks but hopefully sooner!
> 
> I've missed you all. Enjoy!

[ ](https://imgur.com/hGwdKpO)

Song Inspiration: "Disease" by Beartooth

“I’m just going to go grab my things,” Ben says firmly, rubbing his thumb gently over the skin at the back of her hand. “I’ll pick up some dinner on my way, and we can get back to that couch.”

Rey hates this. Hates that she dreads him walking out that door for all of an hour max. Ben has no business making her feel this way. And yet here she is, nearly turning his fingers purple in her grip.

“Right,” she hears herself say dumbly. “I...probably need to call Finn.”

Ben flinches at that and turns away with a decidedly sour look on his face. “Yeah. That...is not a conversation I want to be present for.”

“Oddly, I think he’s on your side,” Rey reflects, a strange discomfort curling in her veins at the thought. “He was pretty defensive of you when I was so upset. He’s not thrilled, I’m sure, but he’s a more forgiving person than most.”

Ben considers her words, then shrugs. “As long as he doesn’t try to kill me or take you away from me, I’ll take whatever else he can dish up.”

Rey laughs, trying to imagine Finn throwing down with Ben. Finn is a strong man, but Ben is...more. Honestly, the word ‘more’ could accurately describe a  _ lot _ of things about Ben.

“I’ll be back as fast as I can,” Ben says, bending to press one last soft kiss to her lips. “You’ll barely miss me.”

“Liar,” Rey refutes, letting her hand drop from his.

Ben winks with a wicked smile, then he’s out the door.

Sighing, Rey shuffles to her room to find the phone she knows is waiting on her nightstand. She’d turned it off at some point during her heat, and she flinches now as she reboots the tiny device that controls her life more than she’d like to ever admit.

She squashes her anxiety at the number of alerts that pop up when she powers it on, instead scrolling past them all to the name of the one person she wants to talk to.

**Finny**

**Call me when you can**

Rey clicks the message, then starts up a call to her best friend, who will probably kill her for everything she put herself, Ben, and him through. Her best friend who is probably going to question her sanity when she asks him if he’s still going to come on her trip with her. And who’s probably going to call her a dramatic omega when she explains why she’s still going herself.

“Hey,” Finn says in answer, voice breezy and cool as if he didn’t just tell her to hate-fuck her supposedly cheating boyfriend a few days ago. “What time are you picking me up tomorrow?”

Rey blinks, mouth dropping open dumbly for a moment as she struggles to come up with a response. “Uhm...what?”

Finn chuckles. “I’m assuming you and lover-boy are good now.”

Rey rolls her eyes at her friend, letting out a frustrated huff. “Awfully presumptuous of you, Finn.”

“Please tell me you’re kidding.”

Fuck. Damn it, Finn. It’s annoying when he does this, when he proves he knows her better than she knows herself. Actually, it’s downright infuriating.

“I am, but there’s no way you would have known that if you don’t have cameras in my apartment.”

“Give me some credit,” Finn says. “I’m not saying people aren’t shitty, but I’d also like to think I’m a good judge of character. If he managed to win me over far enough to get to you after all those months, I knew there was no way he wouldn’t be able to explain himself.”

Rey sighs and contemplates throwing herself on the bed in exasperation. But, judging by the state of the sheets, she’d best wait for that particular act of drama until things have been washed. Instead, she settles for sinking to the floor and propping her back against the wall.

“Plus,” Finn continues, “the fact you’re calling is all the heads up I needed. If you were wallowing, you wouldn’t be calling me because you’d know I wouldn’t let you do it.”

Rey throws her head up against the wall. Finn’s done this their entire friendship. He knows her well enough to predict the way her irrational responses to things will play out, and then he has the gall to know how to handle her. She’d call it unfair if she couldn’t nearly predict his own moments of childhood trauma rearing its ugly head.

“Does two still work for you tomorrow?” she asks, not even bothering to deny a thing he’s said. “We’ve got our session with Dr. Kanata in the morning, and I need to stop into the doctor’s office for my new implant, but Ben thinks we can pick you up on our way to the airport.”

“Still works for me.” She wants to slap him for not even bothering to question the decision for them to both still go. “I’m looking forward to meeting some hot rockstars off the clock. You told Ben he could set me up, right?”

“Didn’t come up.”

“Bitch. See you tomorrow.”

“Bye.”

And it’s not until later that Rey realizes Finn never asked for Ben’s explanation.

\--

Rey’s just moving the first load of their bedsheets into the dryer when Ben arrives, a box of pizza tucked under his arm with a bag of heavenly breadsticks on top. Her mouth starts to water at the smell of garlic and parmesan, and she hastily throws a dryer sheet in the tumbler and soap in the water before joining him in the kitchen.

Ben’s frowning toward the bedroom, expression glum. He tries to hide his distaste, but Rey can catch a flicker of it like a bitter squeeze of acid over the bond. He’s clearly upset and a bit annoyed if she’s picking it up correctly.

“What’s wrong?”

Ben doesn’t respond at first. He tears his eyes from the bedroom, striding over to the cupboard and pulling down two of her dollar store wine glasses. He pulls a bottle of wine from his bag, and Rey has the briefest moment to wonder if he brought it for some sort of occasion when he finally explains.

“I don’t like that you cleaned the nest while I was gone.”

_ That _ is unexpected, although she acknowledges that it should be no surprise to her. She usually can’t wait to clean the sheets as soon as her heat is over, but this time she’d felt a wave of anxiety as she’d stuffed the first pillow into the washer. Moving the bed back to its original place had felt unholy, like stomping on sacred ground. Wrong.

“I’m sorry,” Rey admits with a flinch. “I didn’t like it either, but...it’s just sort of my routine. I thought you’d appreciate that I took care of it, so you didn’t have to.”

Ben’s nostrils flare, and he gives her a scowl before reaching to pull her into his arms. His body enfolds her, and his nose dips to run a tongue along one scent gland. She gasps, heat radiating outward from the gland on her neck to curl at her toes. She hadn’t processed the buzz of anxiety swarming inside her chest until he melded his smell with hers again.

“I wish you’d left it. It feels like you’re trying to get rid of me.”

Rey shakes her head, reaching up to slide her hands around his neck. The words tumble over her lips, bursting from a place rooted deep in her designation. “No. No, Ben. I’m so sorry. I was just trying to take care of it so you wouldn’t have to.”

Ben considers her for a moment, his eyes dark as he takes in her expression. Hurt dwells there, and a leeriness that stings. It’s obvious Ben carries his own wounds from their fight. He surprises her by pulling her closer and bending his head  _ away  _ from her face. She’s confused until she realizes he’s left one of his own scent glands bared to her.

A primal satisfaction rakes over her as she takes in the large alpha requesting that his omega mark him. She pulls herself up onto her tiptoes, letting her nose skate over the bare column of his neck before she finds the gland tucked just below and behind his ear. She slides her tongue over it, his flavor bursting in her mouth as she pulls away. She drags his head the other way to pay her respects to the other, and she’s impressed but not totally amazed when she feels a small leak of slick between her legs. She’d never be able to take him right now between the soreness and her impending bleeding, but her body never seems to stop wanting his.

By the time she’s done, they’re both purring, and Ben is significantly less perturbed.

“Come on,” she says with a teasing roll of her eyes. “Get us some food ready while I grab my computer. There’s something I want to show you.”

When they reconvene couchside, Ben’s plated a slice of pizza (Caprese style: had she told him that before?) and a glass of red wine on the table in front of her side of the couch. The logo on the pizza box is suspiciously familiar, and Rey wonders if Ben snooped in her takeout menu drawer at some point. He’d probably been able to tell by the creases in the corners and the sauce stain in the bottom corner that it’s been well-used.

“You’ve got me on pins and needles, baby,” Ben mumbles around a bite of pizza. “What’s on the computer?”

“Our dinner entertainment,” she says by way of bland explanation. She pulls up the file she’d set up on her desktop two weeks ago, anticipation curling its way up her spine as she selects the option she needs. She sets the laptop between their plates, then hastily shoves a bite of a breadstick into her mouth to give her something else to focus on other than what pops up on the screen.

It’s a slideshow. A slowly scrolling display of photos she’d taken during that blissful weekend with him two months ago. Photos of him. Well, mostly him. There were a few of the other KoR members, and even a few she’d snapped of the two of them together. They were primarily candids, but Phasma had been begrudgingly convinced to take one herself of the two of them sitting on one of the bus benches. But...but most of them were of him. Singing, playing guitar, smiling, growling his heart out. Looking the happiest she’s ever seen him, letting it all go on the stage where he can be himself without society or medications telling him what that is.

Ben Solo. Kylo Ren. They’re the same person on stage.

In everything she’s learned about him during their separation, things she’d heard him say, and things she’d picked up between the lines, making the slideshow had been the most eye-opening experience of them all. There was a shift as he walked on to the stage. A difference between the man she photographed on the bus, the man she photographed in the dressing room, and the man she photographed on stage. An adjustment to the carry of his shoulders. An intensity in his eyes. A set to his jaw softened by a mischievous, child-like grin.

A man she could love.

Her pizza is nearly gone thanks to the intensity of her stress eating; meanwhile, Ben’s first slice rests limply in his hands as he stares at the computer with an odd, strangled sort of expression on his face. When the final photo fades away, he lets the slice clatter to his plate, and he reaches to immediately pull her into his arms. Struggling not to let her wine slosh onto the couch, Rey lets out a nervous laugh as he presses a kiss to her forehead.

“You amaze me every day,” Ben murmurs against her hair. “Jesus. You even made Poe look good.”

Rey rolls her eyes and pushes at Ben’s chest as he chuckles and releases her. She retreats a few feet away and buries her nose in her wine glass in an attempt to mask her flaming cheeks. Ben’s praises always make her feel peculiar, a fusion of both utter embarrassment and foolish delight. Much like being under a microscope, she feels both exposed and understood.

“I promised I would show you,” Rey says after a bracing drink of the wine that’s sharp and full against her tongue. “So this is just me keeping my word.”

Ben scoffs, tearing off a piece of his pizza between his teeth in a move that’s more attractive than it should be. Leaping at the opportunity for distraction, Rey scrambles for the remote to throw up her Netflix account on the tv. She asks him his preference of shows, and he merely nods his acquiescence when she pulls up one of the plethoras of horror movies offered thanks to the impending holiday.

There’s no more discussion as the movie kicks on, and they eat in companionable silence as they finish their dinner to the picturesque sequences of scenes depicting how happy the unsuspecting family is. The first of the jumpscare scenes rears its head as Ben collects their plates and carries them to the kitchen despite Rey’s complaints. And things are just starting to get a bit uncomfortably frightening when he returns to pull her into his arms again.

And it feels so peacefully domestic that Rey has to fight off tears as Ben’s words echo in her ears.  _ “I could be your family, Rey.”  _ She can see a million nights like this laid out before them, lazy nights on the couch talking about their days, watching their newest binge series, laughing at horrible SNL skits...it was all she’d ever wanted for herself. Someone to share small moments within the quiet peace of her own home.

And when the final big jumpscare before the end credits makes her let out a small squeak, Ben wraps her closer in his arms without the slightest bit of admonishment. He doesn’t tease her for pulling up a ‘palate cleanser’ of a random episode of The Office, and he slides up beside her at the sink with a hand towel to dutifully help her dry the few pieces of dishware from their meal.

Domestic bliss. So close she can nearly taste it.

So why does the idea feel so painful?

It’s not until they’re brushing their teeth side by side at the sink that she begins to understand the source of the anxiety rolling under her skin. It feels too good. Too much like what her heart has been crying for since she’d been left with nothing but her backpack and that stupid note. And now that it’s here, and so close the tips of her fingertips can desperately brush against it, the loss of it would be unthinkable.

It had nearly destroyed her just a few days ago. And that was before sharing her heat with her first alpha...no. No, it’s not that it was an alpha. It was  _ Ben _ . Like the opening of a door she hadn’t known was shut, something fundamental shifts between them in a way that shakes the foundations of her life.

And when they finally climb into bed, she realizes this is the first time they’ve simply just gone to bed together without being in the middle of foreplay or surrounded by other people. It’s just them in her quiet little apartment, listening to each other breathe in the silence.

“What would you say,” Ben asks quietly as he pulls her back against his chest and wraps his body around hers, “if I told you I had an idea for you to come with me on tour? And not just for a visit but...forever?”

Rey can’t help the startled laugh that bursts from her mouth. “I’d say you’re crazy. I’m not a singer, and I think we’ve established I’ll never be a guitar god like you. And maybe in another life, I’d be mechanically inclined enough to work on your crew, but I don’t think that’s in the cards for me.”

Ben huffs in her ear. “Never mind what you’d do. I’m just asking...if you could, would you?”

Facing away from him, Rey feels brave. The silence in the bond is infuriating her still, making her frantic and reckless. The moment stretches between them, twisting and turning until her chest is nearly heaving with anxiety. Why do these next words feel so critical?

And so she says softly into the dark, “I’d do anything to be with you.”

His grip on her tightens, and she feels infinitesimally small within the brackets of his arms. Like a breathing mountain has consumed her, turning her to the magma beneath its stone. And she will happily burn away for him in this moment, feeling as though everything in her finds simultaneous peace for the first time in her life.

Six months. She’s known him for six months, and they were only on speaking terms for two months of those months with only a smattering of time spent in his presence. It seems strange when she considers how strong her connection to him is, how childish her need for him would appear to an outsider.

But then Ben presses a kiss to her marked gland before settling beside her, his weight a comforting presence beside her, and whispers honestly, “Me too.”

And Rey feels the moment she starts to not give one actual fuck anymore.

“Goodnight, baby,” she whispers softly, the endearment warm and heavy against her heart as it eases past her lips.

Ben stiffens beside her, then he softens and buries his nose in her hair before murmuring it back.

\--

“Stop,” Ben admonishes softly as he squeezes his hand over her bouncing knee. “If you’ve changed your mind, we don’t have to do this.”

The small waiting area is barely even that, more like a small living room with a desk propped in the corner. Ben is lounging quietly on his half of the loveseat, arms thrown carelessly over the arm and backrests with an air of complete indifference that makes her want to scream of jealousy. She clutches at the edge of the cushion, knees bouncing still despite his gentle touch.

“No,” Rey asserts, staring with a pounding heart at the looming office door. It’s innocent, as simple as any other door in a house. A bedroom. A kitchen. Stairs to the dungeon in the basement... “I’m doing this. Facing your fears and all that.”

“You have nothing to be afraid of,” he insists, bringing their joined hands to his lips to kiss her knuckles firmly. “Wild horses couldn’t tear me away.”

She contemplates the oddity of that particular phrase coming from Ben’s mouth. It’s a somewhat cliche statement from a man who’s usually so careful with his words. But everything about Ben has Rey on edge and disorientated since he came bursting through her front door just a few days ago. His emotions have barely made a brush against her consciousness since his arrival, yet she can catch the echoes of desperation. And his words are soft and sweet and everything she needs to hear. 

_ “I could be your family, Rey.” _

He seems to want to connect, so why are things so quiet from her side?

A green light pops on near the door to Dr. Kanata’s office, discrete and yet still visible around the plant that the secretary has propped on the corner of her desk. It signals that the other patient has left out the back door, ensuring the two patients don’t cross paths in the waiting room. Which is a relief because Rey has left more than one session with cathartic tears still staining her cheeks.

“Miss Niima?” calls the small woman sitting at the secretary’s desk. “Dr. Kanata is ready for you.”

Rey pauses to take a bracing breath, then stands. She gives Ben’s hand a tug to follow her, then strides toward the soft cream door that stands between her and complete vulnerability.

She and Dr. Kanata spoke a week ago about this unique session. They’d discussed any off-limits topics, and Rey had decided on not holding back. If Ben was going to know her, he was going to know the darkest parts of her. Only then would he be able to make an educated decision about their relationship.

She takes a breath to mourn the fact he’ll never call her perfect again, then turns the handle.

Dr. Kanata waits patiently on her grey wingback chair, a broad smile gracing her face as she sees them enter. The windows behind her are pulled in to reveal the soft afternoon sunshine that cheers the cozy space. Dr. Kanata’s office has become a safe place for Rey, but today it feels hollow in all the ways it tries to soothe in vain.

“Rey,” Dr. Kanata says kindly. “A pleasure as always. And this must be Ben.”

Rey flinches for a moment. She hadn’t thought about whether Ben would be upset if she gave Dr. Kanata his real name. But he doesn’t seem to be bothered a bit about it, reaching out his hand to shake the doctor’s with an easy smile.

“I appreciate you and Rey letting me join you today, Dr. Kanata.”

“Maz,” she corrects warmly, making Rey’s eyes roll. “Rey never listens when I tell her she can use my first name, but perhaps you’ll be a better listener. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

Dr. Kanata is in her late fifties, with beautiful curling silver hair that Rey prays she is lucky enough to bear in her later years. Her face is worn with laughter lines while a few faint frown lines pinched between her brows. She’s blind as a bat when it comes to reading, so her large owl-eyed glasses sit perched on her hair for easy access when sessions begin. The effect is often that of a kind, empathetic expression that has convinced Rey on more than a few occasions to spill her guts.

Dr. Kanata invites them both to sit on the soft royal blue microfiber couch just to the side of her chair. Ben sits first and drapes his arm expectantly on the backrest portion. Rey gives him a faux-annoyed expression before sitting in the spot he’s created for her right at his side. He gives her a smirk before using one finger to trail along her bare shoulder. Cursing her choice of an off the shoulder sweater dress, Rey forces herself to stare exclusively at Dr. Kanata.

“How has your visit been so far? Anything you two would like to discuss before we move forward?”

Rey flinches and dares a glance up at Ben. His brows are drawn together, but he doesn’t seem to be opposed to the topic of conversation. She gets the slightest breeze of apprehension off of him, but there’s nothing more. The connection is still wretchedly dim. Frustrated, Rey opens her mouth.

“It started out less than ideal,” Rey admits softly. “There were...some communication issues in the beginning.”

Dr. Kanta’s expression grows confused. “Last we’d spoken, it sounded like you two had done a beautiful job of communicating your expectations for your heat. What went wrong?”

Rey launches into the story of the day Ben had flown into town and the way she’d reacted. She uses the words Dr. Kanata has taught her to use when describing her emotions and fears, and it feels good to let it all spill out around the edges of her frayed nerves. It occurs to Rey that she hasn’t written in her journal since the night before Ben’s expected arrival and that she’ll need to get her pen to paper as soon as she can.

“Have you told Ben anything about your past yet, Rey?” Dr. Kanata asks kindly. “I know that was the intent of today’s meeting. But I think it would have helped him understand your intense reactions to what you’d thought was happening.”

“No,” Rey says with a blush. “We’ve been...busy. And I figured by the time we’d be able to talk, it would be time to come here.”

Dr. Kanata is blessedly graceful about the way she reprimands Rey. “Communication is your most valuable ally in this relationship, Rey. You’ve said you both have past betrayals. It’s important to keep the lines open, not shut them down. And by the time you allowed yourself to speak with him, you were past the point to do so.”

Rey feels Ben tense beside her, and the taste of protectiveness she gets through their broken bond makes her stupidly preen.

“If things are as you say,” Ben pushes, “then Rey would have little control over her reactions. I was the one who should have been more honest with her from the beginning.”

“You two hadn’t broached the conversation of past lovers yet,” Dr. Kanata reasons. “In most relationships, it takes time to build the trust to discuss the previous emotional attachments you’ve each had constructively. The sudden thrusting of the conversation upon you two by outside forces places the blame on neither of you. Still, Rey is smart enough from our time together to understand the importance of communication. And you shouldn’t coddle her,” Dr. Kanata adds firmly. “Rey is strong. She’s worked through many issues through hard work, and it’s a testament to her strength that she’s come so far on her own. Be her ally, not her wall.”

Ben leans back, soundly put in his place by the small woman who’s curled her left leg under her like a lounging cat. She gives Ben a kind but firm smile, and he glances down at Rey with a bewildered expression.

“I know,” Rey says with a smile. “She does that.”

“Perhaps now, Rey,” Dr. Kanata continues, “would be a good time to tell him about your childhood experiences. If you’re ready.”

She’s not ready. She doesn’t think she’ll ever be ready. She can count on one hand the number of people who know what she went through as a child. And adding Ben to that count seems...unbearable.

But his body is warm and comforting at her side, and she can smell the gentle encouragement that sits in his scent. She can’t feel his emotions as strongly as before, but she can feel the occasional pulse of a sense of openness from him. And with Dr. Kanata’s gentle smile as her grounding light, she starts to talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews keep me moving!
> 
> Don't forget you can always come chat with me on [Tumblr](https://simplyabbeycat.tumblr.com/) and [Twitter as well!](https://twitter.com/abbey_simply)


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